Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

[Abbi634]

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

100% this!

Maybe he should make the effort to get to know them then

He's already said he's happy to make the effort, and do day trips with her friends and family.

At the end of the day, lots of people don't like overnight guests - it doesn't mean they're controlling or weird or rude - it's a personal preference, just as wanting to regular overnight guests is a personal preference too.

He's not stopping her seeing her friends and family, and it doesn't say anywhere that he's stopping her from going to stay with them either - it's just overnight guests that he doesn't like, and even then he's compromising by having his in-laws to stay the night.

The issue here isn't that he doesn't like overnight guests, it's that OP and her DH have different views on the issue. It's hard to truly compromise when one person is a hard "no" and the other person is a firm "yes" - one person will always end up unhappy.

If the op's husband was not NT and because of that couldn't cope with ever having people spending the night in their shared house, it seems unlikely that she wouldn't have known this before she married him......

Until I discovered MN I had no idea that so many people were so incredibly uptight about normal things and so very insistent about and defensive of their routines and homes, to the point of refusing to accommodate or welcome friends and family. Barring in cases where the person is ND, I find it quite extraordinary. I'm wondering what else the OP's husband is inflexible about.

Or maybe he's just not comfortable with overnight guests, especially those he doesn't know very well?

Maybe sometimes it's good to try to get over things you're a bit uncomfortable about, rather than allow your issues to restrict everybody else's lives.

You sound lovely , kind and welcoming. I feel sad for you that you are not able to have the pleasure of welcoming friends and loved ones into your home. I am wondering why your husband isn't feeling this . I really hope he can compromise on this so that a) he sometimes gets his space and b) you can look forward to happy times with guests . Good luck 💐.

Exactly. I was a mega introvert when I met my husband. My in-laws are a very large and very warm family. They were accepting of me from the start, and when we went to stay with them, were fine (though initially puzzled) when I retreated to the bedroom to read and regroup while everyone else was socialising and chatting.

But I took the trouble to gradually make myself stick around longer, chat more, and gradually let go of some of my introversion. Because I knew it would mean a lot to then and my DH. And to be fair I wanted to be more confident.
I can honestly say that my in-laws, without realising it, made me a better and happier version of myself.

Compare this thread to the one where the OP wants a fence because she wants privacy in her backyard vs her husband who doesn't want a fence. Everyone is telling her to just do it anyways and who cares what he wants. If she wants privacy then she should have it and just put up whatever fence she wants.

His behaviour is awful and the way some PPs are trying to justify it is depressing. The effects of his ban will be to isolate the OP from her friends, her sister and her nieces, both because she won’t be able to see them as much and because of how awkward it will be, having to explain that they can’t stay despite the fact that the OP has spare rooms in her house. I get that hosting people can be tiring but the OP isn’t asking to host every weekend, and her DH could always find ways to take space for himself on the occasions when his DW was hosting.

Recently a friend of my DP stayed over, and because it was my DP’s friend, not mine, my DP did all the work of setting up his bed and cooking dinner etc. all I had to do with eat dinner with this friend! The next morning I wasn’t super feeling it so I let them go out for coffee and breakfast without me. No issue - I had space and was also hospitable to my DP’s friend and let my DP have social time with his friend. The OP’s husband could easily find compromises like this rather than banning the use of their spare rooms for friends and family.

Why would we compare this thread with that one? The two situations are as different as it's possible to imagine. Is the OP being prevented from seeing her family by this fence?

His behaviour is awful and the way some PPs are trying to justify it is depressing. The effects of his ban will be to isolate the OP from her friends, her sister and her nieces, both because she won’t be able to see them as much and because of how awkward it will be, having to explain that they can’t stay despite the fact that the OP has spare rooms in her house.

I can definitely both sides but it is not isolating anybody to say no to overnights. Just ridiculous.

• Guests can stay in a hotel with day visits only and go back to sleep there (if the issue is sharing the house/mess)
•The DH can stay in a hotel (if the issue is not liking family members)
•OP and her DH can drive to visit the friends and family instead of them coming up
•there can be sleepovers but agreed at only X times per year

If the embarrassment of telling family this means one is isolated, then that's just ridiculous. 'DH prefers not to have overnight guests, so can we do X'. Simple.

Him not wanting to have people overnight, for whatever reason, does not isolate his wife. FFS stop throwing around coercive and controlling like it's confetti we have no idea if that's what their relationship is like, and you can't tell from this single post

The OP in this thread is NOT being prevented from seeing her family

People on this site must live in such a middle class bubble where they all have houses with extra room to have hordes of relatives visit with space to entertain and cook

Most of us dont have that, our famillies and friends either visit in the day or stay over locally at hotels, there is still a maintained relationship with those people.

Well, I can only speak for myself, but if having overnight guests was so important to me, I wouldn't have married someone who hated them so much in the first place - especially if I had family who lived far away and who would need somewhere to stay overnight when visiting.

Grown adults are under no obligation to "get over things they find uncomfortable" just to make other people happy - and I do wonder if people would say the same if OP was the one uncomfortable about overnight guests and her DH was saying "I'll do it anyway - it's my house".

To me, this is more an issue of compatibility than anything else. He's not going to wake up one morning happy to have guests, and likewise, OP isn't suddenly going be thrilled about never having her sister to stay - so I have to wonder why none of this was ironed out beforehand.

Op isn't being prevented form seeing her family. are you actually saying that it only counts as seeing family if they sleep in your house? So I have been prevented from seeing my parents for 2 decades as they have never slept in my house....even though I see them and talk to them and visit them often?

That is the oddest definition I have ever heard. Are you truly cut off from everyone who hasn't slept in your home? You have no contact with any friends or family or colleagues who haven't been overnight guests?

The parallel in that thread was that one person wanted privacy and one person didn't. The responses were screw him, if you want privacy on your own property, you get it.

Exactly.

And even if you do have spare rooms, that doesn't mean you're under any obligation to host friends or family if you don't want to. Overnight guests can be pretty disruptive and can cause a lot of arguments - as seen on all the threads on here where in-laws come to stay and it causes no end of problems!

It's a shame you are married already he could of told you before hand. I'm really close with my family and it would be a deal breaker for me. It's also very controlling it's your home to why can't you make some decisions. Sounds like you're better off without him anyway

People on this site must live in such a middle class bubble where they all have houses with extra room to have hordes of relatives visit with space to entertain and cook.

That's irrelevant in this case though. The OP does have space, otherwise none of us would be saying she should be able to have family to stay.

Well, I can only speak for myself, but if having overnight guests was so important to me, I wouldn't have married someone who hated them so much in the first place.

It may well be that the OP's husband didn't impose this edict until they were married.

But I took the trouble to gradually make myself stick around longer, chat more, and gradually let go of some of my introversion. Because I knew it would mean a lot to then and my DH. And to be fair I wanted to be more confident. I can honestly say that my in-laws, without realising it, made me a better and happier version of myself.

That's lovely, @saraclara !

It is relevant because many posters are saying that if you don't have overnight guests then you are being banned and cut off from all contact with your family and isolated. That by not having overnight guests, her DH is ending her relationships with all her family and friends which makes him abusive.

Of course its relevant because the argument is that unless someone stays the night you cant have a sustained and enduring relationship with them.

Whether they have the room or not doesnt change that. All the people without room clearly no longer have any relationships with people outside of their family household eh?

No-one's saying that. It does make it a lot harder, though, if every time you have to visit your family member (i) you have to spend hundreds of pounds on a hotel room (her sister's is a family of four) and (ii) it's abundantly clear that your husband doesn't want them there.

That by not having overnight guests, her DH is ending her relationships with all her family and friends which makes him abusive.

I'm not claiming he's abusive, just selfish and maybe a bit controlling.
But saying 'We can't have overnight guests because we don't have room' is reasonable. Stopping the OP from having her family to stay 'because he doesn't like it' is not reasonable. He is not making it literally impossible for the OP to sustain a relationship with her family, but he is making it unnecessarily more difficult.

Family of four? Sorry, how on earth is he unreasonable? I think it would great to have a family over. Others wouldn't want it, especially if he has his stuff set up in the spare rooms.

Bloody hell, how is that controlling/abusive/isolating?

As long as op can drive down and they can still visit it's fine.

Perfectly feasible to put some money aside for a premier inn or find an alternative solution that he'd be comfortable with like one night only.