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Original poster

Husband doesn't allow overnight guests

329 replies

Abbi634 · 23/04/2023 00:39

My husband and I recently got married. We live in London and we have 2 spare bedrooms that aren't often used. I thought this would mean we could have friends and family to stay occasionally. But my husband objects.

He won't let me have friends to stay for the night if they're in town. I've told him this wouldn't happen more than once every two months, and that I would take care of everything. But he said no, they should get a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space'. So if a good friend who lives abroad is in London and asks to stay the night, I can't say yes - even though I really want to.

He also objects to close family coming. I suggested that my sister and family could come and stay for a long weekend. She lives the other end of the UK and has two daughters, aged 6 and 4. I love my nieces and I think it would be fun to have them to stay. My husband said no - and said they should stay in a hotel. He said he 'needs his own space' and it would be too much to have them here. (He would however meet up with them during the day for a meal/activities).

He says he is ok with my parents sometimes staying for a weekend, but he said has made it clear he doesn't want it to be often.

I feel sad that I can't be hospitable with our spare rooms. I enjoy having friends and family to stay (doing a nice dinner in the evening, having brunch etc).

I feel he's being unfair. It would not be often - just once every two months or so. Is it reasonable for me to think that? And to be sad about it?

OP posts:
AP5Diva · 23/04/2023 10:44

thedancingbear · 23/04/2023 10:36

Being uncomfortable with house guests can be an autistic trait.

Taking steps that isolate your DP from her family is controlling. Simple fact.

The OP says her parents are allowed to stay occasionally, but he has specifically banned her sister and her nieces.

Show quote history

Your fact is based on a subjective assessment that it is isolation.

I disagree that this is isolating. Isolation takes alot more than your sister and her family with young children cannot spend the night at ours.

PriOn1 · 23/04/2023 10:46

OP isn’t being isolated from friends and family by them needing to spend the night elsewhere. He has said he is fine with house guests during the day.

He said he’d be willing to meet up during the day. It’s unclear whether OP will be allowed to have visitors at all. It does sound very much as if everything has to be on his terms or not at all.

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 10:46

Just suggesting an alternative compromise - your family can stay in a nearby accommodation but DH helps pay for it, or just pays for it? We do that with my family because we just don't have room.

Itwasnaeme · 23/04/2023 10:47

What would happen I wonder if the OP said "yes" and told her dh that her sister was coming to stay? Would she be frightened to do this?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 10:48

'Sorry sis, you can't come to stay, Dave doesn't want you here. You'll have to get a hotel. It'll only set you back a couple of hundred quid, and I can meet you in town for a few hours'.

Or maybe she could just say - "Sorry Jane, but Dave isn't really up to having overnight guests - but you're more than welcome go to find a hotel and we can do day trips, or I can come to you instead?"

Of course it's isolating.

It's only isolating if you can't socialise without having people stay the night, surely? Our house is too small for overnight guests so nobody stays the night - I can't say I've ever found it remotely isolating!

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 10:49

Put simply, either the OP's DH is autistic, or he's a controlling prick.

AP5Diva · 23/04/2023 10:49

OP can always go to stay with sister and family at the “other end of the U.K.”
Cheaper for one to travel than for four…

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 10:50

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 10:49

Put simply, either the OP's DH is autistic, or he's a controlling prick.

Or maybe he's just not comfortable with overnight guests, especially those he doesn't know very well? 🙄

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 10:52

Itwasnaeme · 23/04/2023 10:42

It is isolating because the chance of sister coming to visit at all is greatly reduced if she has to pay for accommodation as well as travel.
I don't understand how he seems to have the veto on this. Doesn't the house belong to them both? So he can express a preference but I don't see how he gets to overrule his wife like this.

Or OP could travel to her sister instead?

Much easier and cheaper for one person to travel than for four people to do so.

bellac11 · 23/04/2023 10:52

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 10:49

Put simply, either the OP's DH is autistic, or he's a controlling prick.

He might be neither or he could be both.

MintIceo · 23/04/2023 10:53

Honestly, I think I'd leave him other this. If I want my family or friends to stay on the odd occasion, I wouldn't be with someone who thought they could ban me from that. He can have his own single life with nobody in his home.

LookItsMeAgain · 23/04/2023 10:53

Wereongunoil · 23/04/2023 00:41

Maybe he could stay at a hotel to ensure his space when you have guests🤷

This was exactly what jumped into my mind when I read your opening post @Abbi634 . If your DH needs his space and you want guests to stay over, why can't he go to a hotel?

He is showing his controlling side.

Time to push back (a bit) to see if he really gets irate about it by having a friend or sister or even your mum/dad stay for an overnight. If he kicks off, then you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is controlling and he is likely to restrict your friendship group while he is controlling. I mean you also live there so you're allowed to push back on this because if they are spare rooms, they're not in use and they could be used to host a guest.

Did you move into his place or did you both sell up/move out of your previous places where you lived and moved into this new place together?

saraclara · 23/04/2023 10:55

thedancingbear · 23/04/2023 10:30

The OP's sister lives 'at the other end of the UK'.

'Sorry sis, you can't come to stay, Dave doesn't want you here. You'll have to get a hotel. It'll only set you back a couple of hundred quid, and I can meet you in town for a few hours'.

Of course it's isolating.

Show quote history

Yes. If he can't recognise or accept that it's not socially acceptable to refuse to allow ones sibling to stay, when they've traveled from the other end of the country, then it's up to him to find a hotel room.

I can't begin to fathom the level of selfishness in banning the sister from staying, for no other reason that he wants his space.

If he IS neurodiverse (and OP hasn't implied that) then he needs to recognise that it doesn't give him the right to control his wife's actions, and that at some punts he will have to find the solution to his issues himself. And if that means taking himself somewhere else while she stays, so be it.

DomPom47 · 23/04/2023 10:57

Your husband does not live in that house alone. Sorry you have no say in your house.

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 11:00

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

Or maybe he's just not comfortable with overnight guests, especially those he doesn't know very well? 🙄

If you ban overnight guests coming occasionally simply because you're not particularly comfortable with it, well, you're a controlling prick.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 23/04/2023 11:02

DRFT but I could see the lie of the land here

OP: My DH won't allow my friends to stay over even though we have spares rooms (plural) in our London flat . He says "ok" to family but under sufferance

MN: "Bollocks to that , its your house too , he's not your keeper and not your Dad . Why does he have the final say "

OP: My DH and I have a flat in London with spare rooms and he keeps asking if his mates from University can stay over a couple of nights . When his Parents come over its for a weekend , I'm fine with that as it's family but I don't want them making a habit of it just because we're near shops and resturants or the theatre

MN: Bollocks to that , you're his wife not his flatmate . This is your safe space -you don;t want his loud messy Uni mates slouching over your sofa demanding breakfast after a night out . And as for his Parents , if he invites them then he should do ALL the gruntwork . Shopping, cooking, doing the beds and cleaning up after . Otherwise they can stay in a hotel . And HE picks them up or pays for a taxi . Why don't you take yourself off to a weekend Spa Break and leave him to it , but don't lift a finger to clean up

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 23/04/2023 11:03

gerbilcrocus · 23/04/2023 11:00

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts

Or maybe he's just not comfortable with overnight guests, especially those he doesn't know very well? 🙄

If you ban overnight guests coming occasionally simply because you're not particularly comfortable with it, well, you're a controlling prick.

On the flip side, you could argue that it's controlling to demand overnight guests come and stay, even when you know your partner hates it 🤷‍♀️

Millions of families don't have the space for family to come and stay for the weekend or even for a night - they seem to manage fine without feeling isolated.

Having spare rooms doesn't mean you have to tolerate guests in your home either.

I do think this is something that should have been discussed years ago, though. If having overnight guests is so important to OP, I imagine this would have come up before now.

Itwasnaeme · 23/04/2023 11:04

Maybe you should read the full thread next time?

thedancingbear · 23/04/2023 11:05

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 23/04/2023 11:02

DRFT but I could see the lie of the land here

OP: My DH won't allow my friends to stay over even though we have spares rooms (plural) in our London flat . He says "ok" to family but under sufferance

MN: "Bollocks to that , its your house too , he's not your keeper and not your Dad . Why does he have the final say "

OP: My DH and I have a flat in London with spare rooms and he keeps asking if his mates from University can stay over a couple of nights . When his Parents come over its for a weekend , I'm fine with that as it's family but I don't want them making a habit of it just because we're near shops and resturants or the theatre

MN: Bollocks to that , you're his wife not his flatmate . This is your safe space -you don;t want his loud messy Uni mates slouching over your sofa demanding breakfast after a night out . And as for his Parents , if he invites them then he should do ALL the gruntwork . Shopping, cooking, doing the beds and cleaning up after . Otherwise they can stay in a hotel . And HE picks them up or pays for a taxi . Why don't you take yourself off to a weekend Spa Break and leave him to it , but don't lift a finger to clean up

And the reasonable position is somewhere between the two, isn’t it? Give and take, and all that.

but the OP’s partner has banned her sister from staying over. Ever.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 23/04/2023 11:05

And the OP is a One-Post-And-Run-Poster ...Hmm

bellac11 · 23/04/2023 11:06

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 23/04/2023 11:02

DRFT but I could see the lie of the land here

OP: My DH won't allow my friends to stay over even though we have spares rooms (plural) in our London flat . He says "ok" to family but under sufferance

MN: "Bollocks to that , its your house too , he's not your keeper and not your Dad . Why does he have the final say "

OP: My DH and I have a flat in London with spare rooms and he keeps asking if his mates from University can stay over a couple of nights . When his Parents come over its for a weekend , I'm fine with that as it's family but I don't want them making a habit of it just because we're near shops and resturants or the theatre

MN: Bollocks to that , you're his wife not his flatmate . This is your safe space -you don;t want his loud messy Uni mates slouching over your sofa demanding breakfast after a night out . And as for his Parents , if he invites them then he should do ALL the gruntwork . Shopping, cooking, doing the beds and cleaning up after . Otherwise they can stay in a hotel . And HE picks them up or pays for a taxi . Why don't you take yourself off to a weekend Spa Break and leave him to it , but don't lift a finger to clean up

Yep,, thats it in a nutshell

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 23/04/2023 11:07

Itwasnaeme · 23/04/2023 11:04

Maybe you should read the full thread next time?

Or as is always adviced read the OPs posts ...of which there is one .

ciao for now

Poppydot3 · 23/04/2023 11:19

I can understand that your husband doesn’t feel comfortable having overnight guests. However, this surely doesn’t apply to ether of your parents or siblings?
I wouldn’t be very happy if this was the case.

Freefall212 · 23/04/2023 11:22

I am close to many friends and family that have never stayed overnight at my house. Thee idea that a person not staying overnight = being cut off from family and friends is odd to me. Most of my friends have never stayed overnight in my house. I don't feel as though I have been controlled and cut off from them in any way. Do you really only feel connected to people who sleep in your home?

ShowUs · 23/04/2023 11:30

DomPom47 · 23/04/2023 10:57

Your husband does not live in that house alone. Sorry you have no say in your house.

She does but it’s called a compromise and not just one sided.

He has said her parents can stay but not all of the time, which is fair enough.

She can go and stay at her friends and family’s homes if she wants overnights.

I’m betting that OP lives in an area that tourists want to visit.