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Original poster

Dating while pregnant

318 replies

Bunny44 · 18/04/2023 16:07

I don't know if people will find this topic a bit weird but basically I'm 18 weeks pregnant after my ex left me at 9 weeks pregnant for someone else. I'm conscious I'll not be able to date, or probably have sex for a really long time and that makes me sad.

I still have needs and would like the opportunity to experience some intimacy before an anticipated very long dry-spell. I'm not sure how to go about it. I don't even know if I want to mention I'm pregnant. I'm not looking for anything serious especially since I'm going to relocate when 8 months pregnant. I used to use Hinge for dating but I think that tends to be more serious, whereas Tinder seems to be full of weird people.

I live in Central London and usually it's really easy to meet people with apps, but it's just the approach I'm unsure of. Also has anyone else dated while pregnant and how was it?

OP posts:
Laughloveloneliness · 21/04/2023 11:54

Babyboomtastic · 21/04/2023 10:48

When the OP says that she was in a long term relationship and the baby was planned, I don't think she's taking the whole story. It doesn't alter whether it's right or wrong to sleep around in pregnancy, but it does perhaps show some lack of judgement and naivety on her part, which I think men would exploit.

Dad is from Souru Africa, and they met on holiday. It's a long distance relationship, where she's been there twice, and he's visited her here. Baby doesn't appear to have been planned but he was initially pleased. The OP then discovered either that he was still with his ex, or had gone back to her. That's the account she's given on here previously anyway.

He had more red flags than a communist parade.

Now THIS changes things a little for me. It shows that OP has shit judgement. Sorry to be blunt. I am confident that if I happened to be single and pregnant I could quite easily find myself a suitable arrangement to fulfil my needs. But I have pretty good judgement, solid boundaries and had fab casual relationships before. I thought OP had come out of a very long term relationship. Teaches me to read a thread properly!

violetskypurple · 21/04/2023 12:04

Babyboomtastic · 21/04/2023 10:48

When the OP says that she was in a long term relationship and the baby was planned, I don't think she's taking the whole story. It doesn't alter whether it's right or wrong to sleep around in pregnancy, but it does perhaps show some lack of judgement and naivety on her part, which I think men would exploit.

Dad is from Souru Africa, and they met on holiday. It's a long distance relationship, where she's been there twice, and he's visited her here. Baby doesn't appear to have been planned but he was initially pleased. The OP then discovered either that he was still with his ex, or had gone back to her. That's the account she's given on here previously anyway.

He had more red flags than a communist parade.

How can she be so desperate now for intimacy and physical touch etc after 9 weeks if she was in a relationship with someone living in South Africa?!

MilkshakeEarthquake · 21/04/2023 12:16

Laughloveloneliness · 21/04/2023 11:54

Now THIS changes things a little for me. It shows that OP has shit judgement. Sorry to be blunt. I am confident that if I happened to be single and pregnant I could quite easily find myself a suitable arrangement to fulfil my needs. But I have pretty good judgement, solid boundaries and had fab casual relationships before. I thought OP had come out of a very long term relationship. Teaches me to read a thread properly!

Show quote history

It’s not on this thread tbf it’s on the others she posted she also posted a few weeks ago saying how she was scared and worried and feeling vulnerable so is she really planning this for the right reasons? She feels “shame” as a single mum and the father wants nothing to do with the child.Any man that wants to sleep with a scared and vulnerable pregnant women is not a decent man and will probably think shes looking for a father for the baby.

Laughloveloneliness · 21/04/2023 12:30

@MilkshakeEarthquake I 100% agree that she would be targeted by arseholes if she is in a vulnerable place at the moment.
OP, if this is true, you are in no place at all to be looking for anything casual. It won't work unless it is a trusted friend and even then, vulnerable women with shaky judgement are like catnip to certain individuals. I have read threads on here where women have started dating friends and it soon goes to shit. Just concentrate on getting happy and healthy before baby comes, I dont think you should go looking.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/04/2023 12:39

sladys · 19/04/2023 16:27

You've been single for 9 weeks.....the fact you feel so "lonely" is telling. You shouldn't be relying on a man to resolve loneliness.

Sounds you need to learn to be happy on your own

Where exactly are you expecting a hetrosexual women who wants a shag to get that from if not a man?

TallulahBetty · 21/04/2023 12:40

Are you Rachel Greene?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/04/2023 12:41

TallulahBetty · 21/04/2023 12:40

Are you Rachel Greene?

The only thing Rachel ever did wrong was let that psychopath Ross Gellar near her in the first place.

UlrikakakaJ · 21/04/2023 12:59

@Bunny44 No judgement on your desires but it’s not misogyny to say that the risk of catching an STI (obviously possible even with a condom) is higher with a stranger who is in the market for casual sex than with a long term partner (you are correct that a long term partner could be cheating so that’s not zero risk, but much lower). The consequences of getting an STI are also potentially more serious in pregnancy and can affect the baby as well as you. Your most basic obligation as a mother is to keep your baby safe and casual sex in pregnancy doesn’t do this. Please don’t do this. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and birth.

Eg You can catch herpes even using a condom: https://www.better2know.co.uk/blog/3-stis-you-can-catch-even-if-you-use-a-condom/.
Herpes in pregnancy can cause neonatal herpes which can be fatal: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-herpes/#:~:text=Genital%20herpes%20and%20pregnancy&text=If%20you%20have%20genital%20herpes,have%20had%20genital%20herpes%20before.

nhs.uk

Genital herpes

Genital herpes is caused by the herpes simplex virus (HSV) type 1 or type 2. It causes painful blisters to appear on the genitals and the surrounding areas.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-herpes/#:~:text=Genital%20herpes%20and%20pregnancy&text=If%20you%20have%20genital%20herpes,have%20had%20genital%20herpes%20before.

Shimmyshimmyshoo · 21/04/2023 13:20

It’s grim OP - putting yourself and baby at risk. I think most answers concur but obvs it’s up to you what you do 🤷🏼‍♀️

DuesExMachina · 21/04/2023 13:35

Pretty sure this is the plot for a few porn movies that my ex used to watch

Whatdayisitalexa · 21/04/2023 14:13

I think dating is the wrong word too

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 21/04/2023 14:27

Most posters aren't judging you for wanting sex, it's completely understable.

People are pointing out that to be struggling without sex is such a short time is concerning, as is t mheessed up notion that casual sex is a way of addressing loneliness.

It's totally understandable iu want to address the loneliness but it's not the solution. Totally agree with the poster who suggested this is far more to do with you self worth, feelings of rejection and proving to yourself you've still got it.

I think that risking the possibility of herpes, warts, volience etc (even though risk is small) by meeting a random stranger for the sake of a shag, screems lack of logic and responsibility & is selfish behaviour.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 16:58

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 20/04/2023 18:04

I don't get the judgy 'it's grim' comments. Why is it grim for a woman to be having sex? Its how the baby got there! A single man wouldn't be judged for seeing other people if one of his ex's was pregnant, OP is single and she can date if she wants to. Be extra careful and safe, if you're after casual why not say you're after a more of friends with benefits arrangement?

And to all those saying sex with babys dad is fine ... do you not know how many men cheat on their pregnant partners? If she was still with her ex, he could be having sex with others behind her back and exposing her to STI because she wouldn't see the risk of having sex with him without a condom. At least here she would be using protection!

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs you make some great points and you know what? Actually he did give me an STI - that's how I found out I was pregnant as we were supposed to be in a monogomous relationship, but he cheated on me and gave me an STI - I had symptoms and went to get tested and found out I was pregnant at the same time. Luckily the STI was easily treated.

So all in all - prob safer with someone else taking precautions than with long-term partner/baby daddy as many of you claim!

I've never had an STI before and I'm usually very careful and we actually got tested before we slept together even though we were in a relationship. So it's true it's pretty judgemental to assume you're more likely to get an STI with a less well know person using protection than with your long-term partner.

Also those banging on about herpes - you can get herpes from your long-term partner too because a lot of people are in remission or don't even know they have it. I think most of you just don't like the idea of all this and are looking for excuses to be judgemental. As previously stated, I'm not asking for your permission or judgement. This was a 'how' and not 'should I' question.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 17:05

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 21/04/2023 14:27

Most posters aren't judging you for wanting sex, it's completely understable.

People are pointing out that to be struggling without sex is such a short time is concerning, as is t mheessed up notion that casual sex is a way of addressing loneliness.

It's totally understandable iu want to address the loneliness but it's not the solution. Totally agree with the poster who suggested this is far more to do with you self worth, feelings of rejection and proving to yourself you've still got it.

I think that risking the possibility of herpes, warts, volience etc (even though risk is small) by meeting a random stranger for the sake of a shag, screems lack of logic and responsibility & is selfish behaviour.

It's not that I think that 9 weeks is too long to go without sex, it's that I think that a year+ is a long time to go without sex.

It's that I won't be able to for a very long time if I don't now - soon I'll be heavily pregnant, then I will be recovering from birth/prioritising my newborn and on top of that I'm moving in with my parents in a village where the average age is about 70 - and I'll be there for at least 6 months to a year. After that I'll be a very time-poor single mother who will struggle to date. These are my last months of essentially having that availability. I might be growing a baby but, as my midwife said, no reason why I can't have sex with someone new, as long as I use protection. I wouldn't do it if I thought there was actually a risk.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 17:09

Hedgehog93 · 20/04/2023 20:05

All these lovely judgemental posts here..have any of you actually experienced being single and pregnant???? Being fucked over and pregnant????? No probably not!!!. I have OP whilst my ex swanned off and lived his best life whilst leaving me to pick up the pieces of a planned pregnancy. As long as you are safe which of course you will be as you have a brain then you do what you want to do. Why can’t OP crave some companionship/fun? She has needs. As long as she is careful. Her ex was shagging someone else and could have easily have given her an STI …. Many pregnant partners cheat on them and they wouldn’t use condoms. This shaming is awful and sad.
I doubt anyone can imagine being single and pregnant until it actually happens to them and people should be careful judging so harshly when it could easily happen to them!

Thank you - yes it's a really hard situation to be in and easy for those to judge on the outside, thinking smuggly that it could never happen to them. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I hope you're doing better now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 17:13

Derbee · 20/04/2023 22:58

A lot of people are careful about who they have children with, so don’t end up in these kind of situations. But also, the OP has described herself as “lonely” multiple times. She’s also having counselling. So shagging ransoms is unlikely to be of any help to her. It’s trying to fill a void in an inappropriate way. It’s probably not what she needs in her current emotional state, never mind her physical one

Show quote history

Thank you for your patronising and smug comment. Better remind myself to not chose someone who dumps me while pregnant next time 💡

Can I clarify that when I said lonely I meant actually horny. Specifically I miss sex. I am lonely for physical male company because I like sex and no I'm not confused about my own emotions on this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 17:15

MilkshakeEarthquake · 20/04/2023 23:22

I’ve been single and pregnant and said that at the beginning of the thread. Sex with strangers whilst pregnant was the last thing on my mind! I don’t think it’s common to sleep around when pregnant (and single) hence why op hasn’t got the ‘stories’ she was looking for.

Show quote history

I quite clearly clarified that I didn't plan to sleep around. Just because I said I didn't want sometime serious, doesn't equate lots of different people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 17:16

Viviennemary · 21/04/2023 00:32

The whole idea is pretty distasteful. If you live in a small village be prepared for gossip.

And that's why I chose not to live in a small village = small minded people

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 21/04/2023 17:16

Well, just crack on with it then! Why are you here when you already know what to do????

Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 17:20

Malarandras · 21/04/2023 08:10

The OP said she was 35 in a previous post, so she’s not a daft wee girl. If dating is what she wants to do, she’s an adult she can make that decision for herself. What anyone thinks is irrelevant. She asked how she should go about doing it, not if she should do it. I would think online dating is likely the way to go - it didn’t work great for me so I can’t offer any advice on that. I’d say that Match is full of weirdos though! Another option might be a speed dating event near you OP? I’ve never done that but might be worth a shot? Best of luck with everything.

Thank you :-)

OP posts:
ThatFraggle · 21/04/2023 17:22

For £50 you can buy some toys and have better orgasms than some random bloke can probably give.

Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 17:24

violetskypurple · 21/04/2023 12:04

How can she be so desperate now for intimacy and physical touch etc after 9 weeks if she was in a relationship with someone living in South Africa?!

Show quote history

My ex is not from South Africa so I don't know what this is referring to??

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 17:26

Laughloveloneliness · 21/04/2023 11:54

Now THIS changes things a little for me. It shows that OP has shit judgement. Sorry to be blunt. I am confident that if I happened to be single and pregnant I could quite easily find myself a suitable arrangement to fulfil my needs. But I have pretty good judgement, solid boundaries and had fab casual relationships before. I thought OP had come out of a very long term relationship. Teaches me to read a thread properly!

Show quote history

I never said this in my thread and my ex partner is not from South Africa

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 17:27

UlrikakakaJ · 21/04/2023 12:59

@Bunny44 No judgement on your desires but it’s not misogyny to say that the risk of catching an STI (obviously possible even with a condom) is higher with a stranger who is in the market for casual sex than with a long term partner (you are correct that a long term partner could be cheating so that’s not zero risk, but much lower). The consequences of getting an STI are also potentially more serious in pregnancy and can affect the baby as well as you. Your most basic obligation as a mother is to keep your baby safe and casual sex in pregnancy doesn’t do this. Please don’t do this. Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy and birth.

Eg You can catch herpes even using a condom: https://www.better2know.co.uk/blog/3-stis-you-can-catch-even-if-you-use-a-condom/.
Herpes in pregnancy can cause neonatal herpes which can be fatal: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/genital-herpes/#:~:text=Genital%20herpes%20and%20pregnancy&text=If%20you%20have%20genital%20herpes,have%20had%20genital%20herpes%20before.

I am very well informed about STIs - but thank you :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
Bunny44 · 21/04/2023 17:29

ThatFraggle · 21/04/2023 17:22

For £50 you can buy some toys and have better orgasms than some random bloke can probably give.

I disagree personally. I already have a lot of that and it's not the same for me.

OP posts: