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Original poster

My husband is in charge of my life..?

183 replies

Rainadey · 17/04/2023 23:06

My husband thinks he is in charge of making decisions about mine and the children’s lives as apparently he always knows better.

Tonight has ended up with me absolutely losing my cool because I simply can’t put up with the control anymore. He is religious although even that’s up for debate, whereas I am not. He uses religion as a way to constantly belittle me regarding the children. One example is he has never let me or them celebrate Halloween which I understand it’s against his religion and while I appreciate that he doesn’t have to participate and all I would like is to get them some Halloween sweets one year but no he will go absolutely mental and will not talk to me or give me the silent treatment if I don’t adhere to what he wants.

Tonight though in particular I mentioned I wanted to take the kids to this beautiful gastro pub right next to where we are moving. He has outright said no I’m not to take them as it’s against his religion. I explained to him it’s a restaurant and I’m not there to drink as I don’t even drink and we will simply have a meal for lunch and he said nope absolutely not. This infuriated me as I said I don’t really need his permission to take the kids to a nice lunch especially for something so trivial like a restaurant as I grew up eating at gastro pubs with my family and really enjoyed that part of my childhood but apparently because he’s the man and his kids are being raised Christian he won’t allow it so therefore I have no input. I told him he’s being controlling and that I will be taking the kids without his permission in which he then got even angrier and said again ‘no you are not, you are not taking them’! That is when I broke down as I’ve spent so much of this marriage dimming all the things I like and want to do with the kids because he doesn’t approve! I’ve had enough and I feel so suffocated by his control. What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

OP posts:
VeryWorriedDaughter · 17/04/2023 23:14

He’s beyond reasoning with by the sounds of it. You need to leave him otherwise you’ll be dimming and dimming yourself, your needs and fun things for the kids until there will be no sparkle of life to tone down left.

Get out now while you can and enjoy doing what you want with your kids without another adult controlling your one precious lives!

greyhairnomore · 17/04/2023 23:16

I couldn't live like this. Take the kids to
the pub , then leave him.

Scutterbug · 17/04/2023 23:16

What should you tell him? Goodbye would be my answer…

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 17/04/2023 23:16

How long have you been putting up with this? Sounds like he doesn’t just think he makes all the decisions, he literally does make all the decisions. Have you never ‘defied’ him before?

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 17/04/2023 23:21

This man will forever suffocate you, you’ll have trackers planted on you secretly soon. Run run run! Seriously!
Are you financially independent? Do you have practice support and somewhere you can go?

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 17/04/2023 23:21

*practical support not practice.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 17/04/2023 23:30

That sounds really tough op. Can I ask - was he always religious or has he found religion recently? Was he like this before you had DCs?

I have a friend who became very religious at the same time as her DH. Their lives are completely guided by it all.

It's not a relationship I would ever want to be in (and yes she sees him as the ruler and submits to his rules) but the only way this works is because they both believe in the same things (or maybe she just gives into everything that he dictates- simply because he is the man and represents God)

If it was just him and not her being religious too then I don't think the marriage would last. Just too controlling and miserable. It's obviously depriving the DCs of the normal fun things that most families do too.

Do you want to be with him still or you in a position to end things?

Of course I would assume Divorce would be up there on the list of Nos in his mind too but there are two of you in this marriage.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 17/04/2023 23:33

I don't think you will ever get the compromise that you should have and need to sustain this marriage. These beliefs are generally so entrenched that nothing can sway them from this.

These kind of religious beliefs override everything else in life in my view.

heartbreak2 · 17/04/2023 23:35

I’m sorry - this sounds disgraceful. It is absolutely not ok for him to control you like this. Whether you drink in that pub or not! You are a grown adult and have exactly the same right to the freedoms and choices in life that he has.

bellsbuss · 17/04/2023 23:35

I'm never one to say ltb but please get out now, life is too short to be controlled like this. The longer you stay the harder it will be , also it's not fair on your children. All the best in taking back control of your lives

pinkyredrose · 17/04/2023 23:36

Was he like this before you married him?

Wenfy · 17/04/2023 23:38

Would he listen to a priest of your particular form of Christianity? Eve if be won’t jt Might be worth involving one if you feel he might become dangerous if you leave.

Dibbydoos · 17/04/2023 23:42

You get one shot at this life and one shot at giving your kids good role models.

Whilst leaving someone is notveasy that is thecstark choice you have.

Who does your husband think he is? God? Well he isn't.

You know what you need to do, plan quickly and we'll, then execute the plan ASAP.

Good luck x

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 17/04/2023 23:43

How does going to the pub conflict with Christian beliefs? Jesus himself turned water into wine and Ecclesiastes 9:7 instructs, “Drink your wine with a merry heart.”

Ecclesiastes 9:7 ESV - Go, eat your bread with… | Biblia

Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.

https://biblia.com/bible/esv/Eccles%209.7

Inthebathagain · 17/04/2023 23:46

Tell him the Bible instructs him to love his wife as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her.

Ask him to line that fundamental teaching on marriage up with his behaviour. He should be sacrificially loving you, supporting you and caring for you.

As a fellow Christian who believes in the sanctity of marriage, you get my first ever LTB. Go to the gastro pub with your kids to celebrate leaving his awful controlling nature.

Azandme · 17/04/2023 23:47

Control is a form of abuse. Leave him.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/04/2023 23:58

Ironic he doesn't agree with Halloween but has no problem giving you the silent treatment which is a form of abuse. He doesn't agree with pubs but has no problem with getting angry. He needs to read his Bible where it says the Lord looks at the heart. A true Christian would be more concerned with loving you that with keeping rules. He is totally missing the point.

Duckingella · 18/04/2023 00:01

I've never heard of Christian's being tee total;he sounds nuts tbh;is it feasible to end your marriage?;there's more to life than this bollocks.

LovingLivingLife · 18/04/2023 00:03

Unfortunately I don't think there's any reasoning with someone who uses religious 'beliefs' to control their family. He is always going to think he is right, has the moral high ground and that he should be obeyed. My dad was (still is) like this and I had a mostly miserable childhood.

As a few people have mentioned, the things you have listed aren't really against the Christian faith (perhaps with the exception of actually celebrating Halloween). He is just taking things out of context to suit himself, or perhaps more worryingly he is listening to a pastor who is advocating these things.

Basically your choices are to submit willingly and do as he says; or contradict him and defy him and accept constant fighting in your marriage; or to lie constantly (and have your children do the same) to do what you want to do without him knowing; or to leave. None of which are fantastic choices sadly, all come with compromises and impact on the kids.

BellaBlossoms · 18/04/2023 00:05

What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

You tell him you’ll take your children where you choose, then you tell him never to dictate to you again. If he gets angry you choose your moment and leave with the children. He’s a control freak and frankly I wouldn’t have any partner telling me where I could take my children. Obviously there’s a difference if you want to take them to live in a different country etc but day to day activities he has no say imo. There’s no way in hell my DH would have dictated to me where and where I could go with my children. Life’s too short for that shit, I left my ex because of his control.

LovingLivingLife · 18/04/2023 00:07

Duckingella · 18/04/2023 00:01

I've never heard of Christian's being tee total;he sounds nuts tbh;is it feasible to end your marriage?;there's more to life than this bollocks.

There are a few denominations that advocate no alcohol.

But none of those would be ok with a believer marrying someone who isn't a Christian. Or with abusing your family through control. Or with speaking in anger. Etc. etc. Obviously he is fine with picking and choosing the bits that suit him.

PermanentTemporary · 18/04/2023 00:08

There are plenty of teetotal Christians (typically Methodists, Quakers, Baptists) and that's fine, but the Jesus who hung out with publicans and sinners and who changed water into wine presumably didn't see the need to make a new covenant involving 'though shalt not drink alcohol'.

Tell your husband to work on loving his God with all his heart and all his soul and all his mind, and to let you get on with your life, and go to the pub.

RememberNancyDrew · 18/04/2023 00:21

You can't reason with extremist control freaks.

Teapot13 · 18/04/2023 01:06

You should order a wine but tell him you ordered water and Jesus turned it into wine!

Mari9999 · 18/04/2023 01:45

In my experience, people who think that they are speaking on behalf of the Almighty generally are not inclined to compromise.

Yours Is a life where any compromising is likely going to have to be made by you and your children if you wish to continue living with your husband.

At some point you will have to make a cost benefit analysis. Is what you are gaining worth what you and they are losing?

How much control of your life are you willing to give up? Sometimes, you can argue and discuss with a selfish man or even with any angry man, but a man who thinks that he is on some kind of religious crusade to save you is not going to be swayed by any rational arguments you make.

He can only take as much control in this situation as you are willing to give up. The greater concern should be whether he will become threatening if or when you assert your own control.

@