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Original poster

My husband is in charge of my life..?

183 replies

Rainadey · 17/04/2023 23:06

My husband thinks he is in charge of making decisions about mine and the children’s lives as apparently he always knows better.

Tonight has ended up with me absolutely losing my cool because I simply can’t put up with the control anymore. He is religious although even that’s up for debate, whereas I am not. He uses religion as a way to constantly belittle me regarding the children. One example is he has never let me or them celebrate Halloween which I understand it’s against his religion and while I appreciate that he doesn’t have to participate and all I would like is to get them some Halloween sweets one year but no he will go absolutely mental and will not talk to me or give me the silent treatment if I don’t adhere to what he wants.

Tonight though in particular I mentioned I wanted to take the kids to this beautiful gastro pub right next to where we are moving. He has outright said no I’m not to take them as it’s against his religion. I explained to him it’s a restaurant and I’m not there to drink as I don’t even drink and we will simply have a meal for lunch and he said nope absolutely not. This infuriated me as I said I don’t really need his permission to take the kids to a nice lunch especially for something so trivial like a restaurant as I grew up eating at gastro pubs with my family and really enjoyed that part of my childhood but apparently because he’s the man and his kids are being raised Christian he won’t allow it so therefore I have no input. I told him he’s being controlling and that I will be taking the kids without his permission in which he then got even angrier and said again ‘no you are not, you are not taking them’! That is when I broke down as I’ve spent so much of this marriage dimming all the things I like and want to do with the kids because he doesn’t approve! I’ve had enough and I feel so suffocated by his control. What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

OP posts:
CuteCillian · 18/04/2023 01:50

This has nothing to do with Christianity and everything thing to do with control.

BritInAus · 18/04/2023 01:52

oh dear. I don't think there is any reasoning with a man like this.

My only advice is leave him, and enjoy doing whatever you want, whenever you want.

Who knew it was against Christianity to eat lunch in a pub?!

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/04/2023 02:36

You say he is religious but even that is debatable, which makes me think the goal posts are moved for him when he wants to have or do something and he imposes very high restrictions on you and your children. The only thing you can tell him is that he’s not in charge of you. And ideally plan to leave.

Do you see your parents much? I would be extremely worried about you and your dcs were you my dd.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/04/2023 05:02

This is your one and only life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/04/2023 05:15

RememberNancyDrew · 18/04/2023 00:21

You can't reason with extremist control freaks.

Basically this.

You can't reason with him. He won't bend. So you divorce him and the DC spend half the time living a fun life with gastro pubs and Halloween sweets. You spend all your time not answering to him.

MayThe4th · 18/04/2023 05:41

OP is this how you want your children to grow up?

Do you want your daughter to grow up believing that she should be subservient to her man?

Do you want your sons to grow up believing that they should be man of the house and that their women should submit to them?

This isn’t just about you. personally I would leave. But in the event you can’t or don’t want to, I would tell your husband that it wasn’t a request to take your children to the pub, it was a statement.

Alternatively I just wouldn’t discuss what you’re going to do and just do it anyway.

Does he have any redeeming features?

Floofydawg · 18/04/2023 06:15

How on earth is a gastropub against his religion?

Please have my very first LTB. No way would I let man control my life like this.

Strugglingtodomybest · 18/04/2023 06:29

he will go absolutely mental and will not talk to me or give me the silent treatment if I don’t adhere to what he wants.

This is coercive control and is illegal these days. I'd start keeping a record of everytime he does it.

What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

I'd tell him that if things don't change, I'll be leaving you. Then I'd start making plans to leave as I don't think he will change.

It would probably be a good idea to contact your local domestic abuse charity for some advice too.

Ragwort · 18/04/2023 06:37

His must be a very extreme form of Christianity (Brethren?). He is clearly interpreting his faith to suit his own narrative. Has he always been like this? Do you attend the same Church, could you speak to a Minister? This is a shocking way to treat you and your DC and not something I have ever come across in over 50 years of Christian faith and attending (various) Christian churches ... and frequently celebrating occasions with a glass or two of wine with Christian friends and visiting pubs. I personally don't 'celebrate' Halloween but woukd certainly happily give out sweets to children who knock on the door.

shutthewindownow · 18/04/2023 06:53

Just take the kids where you want to take them. What's he going to do about it ? You really must stand up for yourselves and them. He is limiting their experiences by stopping them doing things for what ? Religion Sorry that's just crazy it's purely control. If this carries on you will have to leave it's no way to live.

pickledandpuzzled · 18/04/2023 06:56

I'm religious and don't do halloween. I don't tell other people what to do, not my kids nor my husband.

This sounds unbearable.

You can't stay.

But be careful.

Gh12345 · 18/04/2023 06:59

Can you really live like this? He will only get worse and then it won’t be you resenting him anymore, it will be your children. Plenty of religious people partake in Halloween… I’ve never heard anything more ridiculous

Gigglemous · 18/04/2023 06:59

What do your children say/feel when they miss out on Halloween each year?

Look at it this way, when the kids become adults they will say how much they were deprived of simple fun pleasures of Halloween and eating out. And they won't just blame him for not allowing those things, they will blame you for allowing your husband to dictate and not backing your kids in these situations.

I know that its Christianity here and not JW, but I vaguely remember a thread on here about a woman who had a husband who grew up with JW parents and his trauma was incredibly deep where he ended up estranged from the family and tossed his religion aside because he was so traumatised from spending his childhood watching children around him celebrate birthdays and Christmas whilst he had the terror of god put in him about how they would all go to hell for doing so. Him leaving the JW community had no positive impact on him though. He was broken.

You want to break the association of religion in this situation because its nothing to do with being Christian and everything to do with your husband being a controlling, abusive man. Please leave before the kids resent you too

piedbeauty · 18/04/2023 07:02

What sort of 'religion' does he say he adheres to?

What a load of nonsense. He's using religion as a tool to beat you with and to excuse his controlling tendencies.

He's beyond reasoning with. I think you need to leave him.

Whichwitchhasanitch · 18/04/2023 07:04

There is no reasoning with people like him so your only way out is to leave him.
See a solicitor and get your ducks in a row then announce you’re leaving him.
I wouldn’t even bother trying to talk to him. It’ll get you nowhere.

Your kids deserve to have fun in there lives and he’s not allowing that. Do you want them to be like him when they’re grown up?

He’s bad role model for the dc’s and he’s dragging you all down.
Get rid and live a carefree life!

MissAmelia · 18/04/2023 07:08

Ah religion, that old chestnut. The picking and choosing of the bits they prefer. If Jesus was the Christ, and I think he was, well he seemed like an ok guy. Shame he didn't clear up some of the shite already written in the books of the Old Testament. He really could have done more. Some of it is just the ramblings of old men, a bit like your DH.
Don't let a man control you OP.

AlexiaR · 18/04/2023 07:08

What a horrible life. I don’t think he will ever change. Were you aware that he was like when you had kids or has he become like this with time?

perfectcolourfound · 18/04/2023 07:24

He doesn't sound at all Christian to me.

Controlling, anger, silent treatment (ie abuse) - none of those are Christian traits.

Even if he WAS a Christian, he wouldn't have a right to tell you how to live your life.

And I know many Christians who drink and enjoy the same social life as non-Christians. So his arguement doesn't even stack up from that perspective.

He is basically a controlling abusive man and is hiding behind religeon.

Can you leave him? It won't get better. You and your children deserve better.

Nowthenhere · 18/04/2023 07:34

Surrounding your children with adults under the influence of alcohol so that they can eat a meal is not everyone choice of opportunities for family meals out.

Celebrating goblins and darkness is also unnecessary but you could always have a party for life which happens in November.

Are there any other examples?

Christian life has strict boundaries at times but it's important that children see you both as the decision makers.

Peapodburgundybouquet · 18/04/2023 07:35

You need to leave this abusive, controlling maniac. He’s using religion as a bullshit way of stopping you do absolutely everything. For no reason.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 18/04/2023 07:37

See a Solicitor.
This is no way for you or your children to live.

Nounoufgs · 18/04/2023 07:39

I know lots of religious people who aren’t like this
God isn’t telling him this- he’s controlling.

Jesus was very partial to wine and on one occasion got a round in.

ltb

Riapia · 18/04/2023 07:39

Tell him you’ll take the kids for a meal at the pub and he can talk to his imaginary friend while you’re gone.

Bananalanacake · 18/04/2023 07:40

Was he controlling before children or did it get worse, abusive men often want their victims to have DC so it's harder for them to leave.

Sanch1 · 18/04/2023 07:41

He's not a Christian he's an arsehole! I'm a Christian and I love a good Gastro pub.