My husband is in charge of my life..?

[Rainadey]

My husband thinks he is in charge of making decisions about mine and the children’s lives as apparently he always knows better.

Tonight has ended up with me absolutely losing my cool because I simply can’t put up with the control anymore. He is religious although even that’s up for debate, whereas I am not. He uses religion as a way to constantly belittle me regarding the children. One example is he has never let me or them celebrate Halloween which I understand it’s against his religion and while I appreciate that he doesn’t have to participate and all I would like is to get them some Halloween sweets one year but no he will go absolutely mental and will not talk to me or give me the silent treatment if I don’t adhere to what he wants.

Tonight though in particular I mentioned I wanted to take the kids to this beautiful gastro pub right next to where we are moving. He has outright said no I’m not to take them as it’s against his religion. I explained to him it’s a restaurant and I’m not there to drink as I don’t even drink and we will simply have a meal for lunch and he said nope absolutely not. This infuriated me as I said I don’t really need his permission to take the kids to a nice lunch especially for something so trivial like a restaurant as I grew up eating at gastro pubs with my family and really enjoyed that part of my childhood but apparently because he’s the man and his kids are being raised Christian he won’t allow it so therefore I have no input. I told him he’s being controlling and that I will be taking the kids without his permission in which he then got even angrier and said again ‘no you are not, you are not taking them’! That is when I broke down as I’ve spent so much of this marriage dimming all the things I like and want to do with the kids because he doesn’t approve! I’ve had enough and I feel so suffocated by his control. What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

It’s probably more to do with him being Pentecostal than Nigerian. Pentecostal Christians believe we’re all made in the image of God and that our bodies are out temples. I know many (of all cultures) that go as far as insisting on homemade food all the time, gym regularly, being overweight can lead to interventions by community leaders.

This is why I suggested OP reaches out to a religious leader if she thinks he’ll listen. His behaviour possibly could be due to an extreme religious ideology.

Pack a bag and go to the nearest police station and ask for help for domestic abuse and Coercive control.

OP, what exactly does it mean for an adult to be not allowed to do something? Does it mean that you chose not to do something rather than deal with his his response? Did he stand at the door and block it to prevent you from taking the child out?

If you gather your children and take them out for lunch, how can he prevent that from happening?

Is it possible that you are accepting his particular views and beliefs as though they are laws or dictates?

Are you happy? Do you having a loving relationship as equals? If not, leave.

I find the facts he's nigérian interesting;I don't mean to offend anyone with what I'm about to say but in my personal experience I've found men who are born and raised in African countries tend to have a very patriarchal attitude and expect to be head of the household and have their wives and children (especially daughters) do as they are told.

I have similar experiences.

The traditional culture is one of significant female inferiority and subservience.

(It is also one of polygyny incidentally).

It's not compatible with principles of equal human rights for females.

My female Nigerian work colleague told me a significant portion of her mother's generation are in polygynous "marriages" and a greater proportion of her grandmothers.

She also told me that the bride traditionally kneels in front of the groom and presents him with wedding cake as one of the symbols of the male- female roles/hierarchy of the marriage.

He's a pentecostal Nigerian oh that is a cultural divide. Save yourself @Rainadey your life is more than a convenience to his easy life, obeyed and pandered to for the sake of religion.

Please go and get your kids away from this man.

I have 2 friends (siblings) that were raised in a Pentecostal household and they're quite damaged from it as adults. As soon as they were old enough, they left home and went no contact with their parents.