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Original poster

My husband is in charge of my life..?

183 replies

Rainadey · 17/04/2023 23:06

My husband thinks he is in charge of making decisions about mine and the children’s lives as apparently he always knows better.

Tonight has ended up with me absolutely losing my cool because I simply can’t put up with the control anymore. He is religious although even that’s up for debate, whereas I am not. He uses religion as a way to constantly belittle me regarding the children. One example is he has never let me or them celebrate Halloween which I understand it’s against his religion and while I appreciate that he doesn’t have to participate and all I would like is to get them some Halloween sweets one year but no he will go absolutely mental and will not talk to me or give me the silent treatment if I don’t adhere to what he wants.

Tonight though in particular I mentioned I wanted to take the kids to this beautiful gastro pub right next to where we are moving. He has outright said no I’m not to take them as it’s against his religion. I explained to him it’s a restaurant and I’m not there to drink as I don’t even drink and we will simply have a meal for lunch and he said nope absolutely not. This infuriated me as I said I don’t really need his permission to take the kids to a nice lunch especially for something so trivial like a restaurant as I grew up eating at gastro pubs with my family and really enjoyed that part of my childhood but apparently because he’s the man and his kids are being raised Christian he won’t allow it so therefore I have no input. I told him he’s being controlling and that I will be taking the kids without his permission in which he then got even angrier and said again ‘no you are not, you are not taking them’! That is when I broke down as I’ve spent so much of this marriage dimming all the things I like and want to do with the kids because he doesn’t approve! I’ve had enough and I feel so suffocated by his control. What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

OP posts:
AprilFool23 · 18/04/2023 10:29

Religion is just a handy tool for him to get what he wants - 3 (?) people under his command. He is the dictator and tyrant of his own little dictatorship.

You won't change a man wired like that.

AprilFool23 · 18/04/2023 10:34

Also there are ways to interpret and apply all religious beliefs.... He goes for the most extreme possible ways, he's an extremist. You won't change that either.

Twinsmummy1812 · 18/04/2023 10:45

How does he feel about divorce?

Mirabai · 18/04/2023 10:55

Abusive relationship, coercive control, you don’t have to live like this OP.
The control is suffocating you and your children’s lives. He’s not interested in the compromise you’re after. You either stay and obey his rules or leave.

HoppingPavlova · 18/04/2023 10:57

Was he always this religion? Whatever that is that doesn’t allow you to visit gastro pubs for the food and not drink? Can he not go to restaurants? Or, has he converted after you had kids?

Just take them out to eat. What is he going to do, storm in and manhandle them out? If so, obviously the police will be called.

SafferUpNorth · 18/04/2023 11:12

This is not about his socalled religion - he's using that as an excuse. It's about control. With that in mind, it's going to be impossible to reason with him or expect him to change. And it's bound to get worse.

For your and your kids sake, consider leaving. He'll make it messy for sure, and will keep flinging his 'faith' at you, but ask yourself whether you can face living the rest of your life like this. Good luck OP Flowers

Marths · 18/04/2023 11:21

LTB. You don't have to follow or raise your children in his backwards religion.

SquirrelSoShiny · 18/04/2023 11:26

This is no way to live OP and you know it.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 18/04/2023 11:55

This sounds way more than him following his religion, it sound like he just enjoys being controlling.

Take your kids where you want... and start by taking them away from him permanently with you leaving.

AprilFool23 · 18/04/2023 12:27

How he's behaving is actually illegal now.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 18/04/2023 12:39

He's not a Christian. He's abusive and the way he's being abusive is illegal.

File for divorce and take custody of the children.

TeamRR · 18/04/2023 13:05

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 18/04/2023 12:39

He's not a Christian. He's abusive and the way he's being abusive is illegal.

File for divorce and take custody of the children.

Someone can be abusive and a Christian.

Mazza7412 · 18/04/2023 13:10

My grandparents at were very religious, prayer meetings, church warden etc
we had loads of meals out in restaurants, they did have a drink or 2 if out. They didn’t celebrate Halloween and neither did my parents. Religion doesn’t say your can’t drink, hence at communion they have wine to represent his blood!! Jesus had a last supper!
he shouldn’t be using religion to limit existence. Could he not compromise that you do your think and he does his with the children so that they have both aspects of life and religion for them to make the choice.
it sounds like your husband is using religion as an excuse to be controlling.

twilightermummy · 18/04/2023 13:15

You need to leave safely. I'd suggest not telling him that you are leaving.
Give your passport and children's passports to somebody that you trust.

HairyKitty · 18/04/2023 13:27

I imagine you knew all this when you married him??!! If his religion or zeal is newfound then that would have been the time to reassess whether you want to remain married.
Generalising a bit I would usually feel that the parent who thinks a setting is “unsuitable” gets the veto

TeamRR · 18/04/2023 13:34

HairyKitty · 18/04/2023 13:27

I imagine you knew all this when you married him??!! If his religion or zeal is newfound then that would have been the time to reassess whether you want to remain married.
Generalising a bit I would usually feel that the parent who thinks a setting is “unsuitable” gets the veto

She tried to take them to a gatro pub, not a strip club.

You seem to be blaming OP for being in a controlling relationship.

Strugglingtodomybest · 18/04/2023 13:48

Surrounding your children with adults under the influence of alcohol so that they can eat a meal is not everyone choice of opportunities for family meals out.

Have you even been to a gastro pub?!

Nanny0gg · 18/04/2023 13:50

You can't win so don't even try

And what religion is this?

TeamRR · 18/04/2023 14:24

Nowthenhere · 18/04/2023 07:34

Surrounding your children with adults under the influence of alcohol so that they can eat a meal is not everyone choice of opportunities for family meals out.

Celebrating goblins and darkness is also unnecessary but you could always have a party for life which happens in November.

Are there any other examples?

Christian life has strict boundaries at times but it's important that children see you both as the decision makers.

If course its not necessary, but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 18/04/2023 14:24

He is using his religion as a reason to control you( and DC)
This environment is very damaging to DC
Religions practice kindness He is cruel and angry
You cant compromise or reason with a man like this and I wouldn't even try
I would focus on freedom and joy in you and DC's and make a plan to leave and make your lives richer
Do not tell him you're leaving.
He's angry not but could turn physical when he realises he's losing control so please Take great care

Iguanainanigloo · 18/04/2023 14:27

Sorry, but why does going to a gastro pub have anything to do with religion?! It sounds like he's using his "beliefs" to find ways to manipulate and control you all. I'd go without him, and tell him to STFU

toodlesofoodles · 18/04/2023 14:30

HairyKitty · 18/04/2023 13:27

I imagine you knew all this when you married him??!! If his religion or zeal is newfound then that would have been the time to reassess whether you want to remain married.
Generalising a bit I would usually feel that the parent who thinks a setting is “unsuitable” gets the veto

Are you the op's DH?

Most abusers ramp up the abuse once there are kids/marriage involved as they then know the person is "trapped".

Also, just a quick one but most pubs serve food during the day like a restaurant would, it's not a piss up.

Iguanainanigloo · 18/04/2023 14:33

Plus, once your kids are 18, what's he going to do when they inevitably want to go to the pub with mates, and god forbid, have a few drinks/get totally wasted?! Will he shun them? His beliefs don't dictate what the entire family do. He can crack on with being a martyr and not allowing himself any enjoyment, but don't let him take that away from you and your children. The less freedom and fun they have now, the more likely they'll give a big "up yours" as soon as they're old enough to make these sorts of decisions for themselves, and most likely despise being involved with his religion if they deem it as such a controlling way to live. Kids/teens want fun, and creating an idea that religion is all seriousness and no enjoyment, won't encourage them to become religious as adults (I'm assuming that's what your husband wants?) If he made the religious aspects of their lives, positive and fulfilling, they are more likely to see the positives it brings to their lives, not this controlling, fun sponge existence.

Newestname002 · 18/04/2023 14:33

@Rainadey

What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

Don't tell him anything as he won't listen to you anyway.

Do, however, discreetly, get your ducks in a row for a future without him living with you and dictating how you should behave. Check your finances, see what benefits (eg universal credit www.entitledto.co.uk, talk to CAB/Citizens Advice Bureau) you might get, see about getting a job/increasing your work hours, so you get a picture of how a possible/separation would work. If you co-own a house check eg Rightmove to see what your house might fetch.
You might not decide not to take any actions to separate in the near future but you'd at least have some information for if/when you do. Knowledge is power OP. 🌹

yahtzeecandle · 18/04/2023 14:37

'you can't win so don't even try' is very apt. op, it doesn't matter how supportive, sympathetic, or otherwise totally non-antagonistic you are to his beliefs - if you don't share them, he will view you as 'lesser' than other random people who do share his religion, regardless of the fact that you're his wife.

it's an extremely bitter pill to swallow but i realised that no matter how much i offered to compromise or how compliant i was willing to be, it wouldn't be enough, and i would always be being compared with (and found wanting against) religious people. no matter how 'bad' they were and how 'good' i was, the religion was the only thing that mattered. it only gets worse and worse as he sits around other people who pat each other on the back about how wonderful and godly they are and how stupid and what bad influences the non-religious are.

being in a relationship like that destroyed my self-worth and i only realised the extent of that after it finished. lots of religious people will insist 'the religion isn't the problem'; it was in my case - it was a sacred cow (ha) that i felt i had to tiptoe around in a way that i would never have felt pressured to do so if the issue had been, idk, a gambling problem. and i wasn't some sort of church-burning maniac who wanted to take our kids to worship the devil!