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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is in charge of my life..?

183 replies

Rainadey · 17/04/2023 23:06

My husband thinks he is in charge of making decisions about mine and the children’s lives as apparently he always knows better.

Tonight has ended up with me absolutely losing my cool because I simply can’t put up with the control anymore. He is religious although even that’s up for debate, whereas I am not. He uses religion as a way to constantly belittle me regarding the children. One example is he has never let me or them celebrate Halloween which I understand it’s against his religion and while I appreciate that he doesn’t have to participate and all I would like is to get them some Halloween sweets one year but no he will go absolutely mental and will not talk to me or give me the silent treatment if I don’t adhere to what he wants.

Tonight though in particular I mentioned I wanted to take the kids to this beautiful gastro pub right next to where we are moving. He has outright said no I’m not to take them as it’s against his religion. I explained to him it’s a restaurant and I’m not there to drink as I don’t even drink and we will simply have a meal for lunch and he said nope absolutely not. This infuriated me as I said I don’t really need his permission to take the kids to a nice lunch especially for something so trivial like a restaurant as I grew up eating at gastro pubs with my family and really enjoyed that part of my childhood but apparently because he’s the man and his kids are being raised Christian he won’t allow it so therefore I have no input. I told him he’s being controlling and that I will be taking the kids without his permission in which he then got even angrier and said again ‘no you are not, you are not taking them’! That is when I broke down as I’ve spent so much of this marriage dimming all the things I like and want to do with the kids because he doesn’t approve! I’ve had enough and I feel so suffocated by his control. What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

OP posts:
HairyKitty · 18/04/2023 14:38

If he had these attitudes before marriage then yes I would blame op for choosing to marry into this situation knowing exactly what she was choosing and then expecting things to pan out differently, or expecting him to change his beliefs/values, this would be unreasonable of her (not unreasonable for her to be unhappy about the situation though).
If it’s ramped up then he is being unreasonable as he’s changing the goalposts, and she needs to reassess whether she really wants to stay as it doesn’t sound like there’s going to be any middle ground.

Lili132 · 18/04/2023 16:58

HairyKitty · 18/04/2023 14:38

If he had these attitudes before marriage then yes I would blame op for choosing to marry into this situation knowing exactly what she was choosing and then expecting things to pan out differently, or expecting him to change his beliefs/values, this would be unreasonable of her (not unreasonable for her to be unhappy about the situation though).
If it’s ramped up then he is being unreasonable as he’s changing the goalposts, and she needs to reassess whether she really wants to stay as it doesn’t sound like there’s going to be any middle ground.

But what is the point in blaming? How does it help? People in abusive relationships often already blame themselves for everything and feel very low.
She cannot go back in time and make different decisions so by being this judgmental you offer literally nothing to the discussion expect adding to your own illusion of superiority. Now you can point a finger at someone else and feel so great about your own faults. Well done!

HairyKitty · 18/04/2023 18:19

@Lili132 my post was in reply to a prev poster. The explicit question was, is the op unreasonable to expect him not to do this. The question wasn’t is he unreasonable to behave like this or is she unreasonable to mind him behaving like this.
You don’t actually know what my views are about the dh behaviour or the ops situation as I haven’t said.

HowRatherGolly · 18/04/2023 18:27

OP he sounds very controlling. You might want to go incognito so that your OH does not see what you are posting for your safety.

I can see you have only posted the once so hope you are alright. What you describe is no way to live.

Original poster
Rainadey · 18/04/2023 18:34

@HairyKitty My husband was a completely different man to what he is now when we first started dating and prior to marriage. He was considerate, caring and showed no signs of control whatsoever. I would have run the other way immediately and cut it off then and there if I knew this is how he would turn out. He completely changed from Jekyll to Hyde when we had our first child. His need to control was so intense that I suffered much worse with postpartum depression as he would time how long I could breastfed and would try to tell me when to feed or that I was over feeding, like monitoring me which eventually stopped when I stood up to him and told him to back off! It was not met well and he wouldn’t talk to me for days. I was also not allowed to take the baby out until his say so. People were not allowed to see the baby without his approval and the list goes on..

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 18/04/2023 18:42

Him trying to control your breastfeeding and then punishing you for doing so against his wishes was a clear example of coercive control OP. As was him forbidding you from introducing people to the baby without his permission, or even taking the baby out without his permission. Coercive control is a crime.

You poor thing. This man is a nasty, controlling bully using religion as a poor excuse for his abuse and control of you.

Godlovesall26 · 18/04/2023 18:49

Gigglemous · 18/04/2023 06:59

What do your children say/feel when they miss out on Halloween each year?

Look at it this way, when the kids become adults they will say how much they were deprived of simple fun pleasures of Halloween and eating out. And they won't just blame him for not allowing those things, they will blame you for allowing your husband to dictate and not backing your kids in these situations.

I know that its Christianity here and not JW, but I vaguely remember a thread on here about a woman who had a husband who grew up with JW parents and his trauma was incredibly deep where he ended up estranged from the family and tossed his religion aside because he was so traumatised from spending his childhood watching children around him celebrate birthdays and Christmas whilst he had the terror of god put in him about how they would all go to hell for doing so. Him leaving the JW community had no positive impact on him though. He was broken.

You want to break the association of religion in this situation because its nothing to do with being Christian and everything to do with your husband being a controlling, abusive man. Please leave before the kids resent you too

Haven’t read the whole thread yet but the JW I know definitely don’t have a man is God complex. They do have their rules like no drinking or certain celebrations, but then again they have their own celebrations, and especially they marry amongst each other. Family is a really core value for them (at least the ones I’m friends with, there’s going to be extremists everywhere ; but actually even the ‘stricter’ families I know of are, well mostly just stricter, and associate so their children do have friends etc, I’ve never heard of the man domination thing). And they’re supposed to be some of the more rules people.
I doubt this guy’s denomination exists tbh, or it’s more ‘sect-like’

Godlovesall26 · 18/04/2023 18:52

Craftycorvid · 18/04/2023 08:00

Unfortunately, many kinds of Christianity hold that the man is the ‘head of the household’ and must be obeyed. If this is a deal breaker for you, then the relationship is not likely to be sustainable. Laying down the law without at least explaining why he doesn’t want the children to go to pubs or celebrate Halloween suggest he feels he has every right to lay down the law with no explanation - and only you can say of this is a personality thing or a religious thing.

Really disagree with this.
The patriarch model was true all around religions or not ages ago, it’s hardly a religious thing (although yes, used by some as an excuse) as seen in many countries that I won’t state.

Marths · 18/04/2023 19:02

Godlovesall26 · 18/04/2023 18:52

Really disagree with this.
The patriarch model was true all around religions or not ages ago, it’s hardly a religious thing (although yes, used by some as an excuse) as seen in many countries that I won’t state.

Show quote history

What like America? You think the Chtistianity has no impact on what's going on there? Or Uganda?

Godlovesall26 · 18/04/2023 19:02

@Rainadey Does he have a denomination / go to church etc ?

Godlovesall26 · 18/04/2023 19:08

Marths · 18/04/2023 19:02

What like America? You think the Chtistianity has no impact on what's going on there? Or Uganda?

Show quote history

Not sure what precisely you mean about both to be honest.
Uganda situation is like many places, and seemingly OP’s husband, people using distorted creations of religions (that most perpetrators hardly follow, if you read some specific biographies) to create war, gain power and money.

LL1991 · 18/04/2023 19:08

He's not religious, he's abusive.

Stressfordays · 18/04/2023 19:10

Please leave him, for your children's sakes. This is not normal, it is nothing to do with his religion, it is completely down to him being abusive. It will get worse and will eventually filter down to the children as they get older.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 18/04/2023 19:23

What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

This is not religion, it is abuse. If you cannot compromise and accept other people have valid views, I want a divorce.

Jux · 18/04/2023 19:26

If you stay with him longer one Xmas someone will ask you what you'd like and you WON'T KNOW. You won't be able to remember what it's even like to want something just for yourself and not for the kids or the family (something which won't piss him off).

Leave him. Ring Women's Aid.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 18/04/2023 19:32

PS, I worked with a lot of religious families in the USA and often enlisted their religious leaders to help with situations like this - in most cases, it was very clear that it was not based in the religion at all, but that was an excuse for controlling behaviour and the vicar/pastor/etc would be really helpful in explaining this. They were often quite pissed off at the way their religion was being interpreted although they were obviously being professional about what they said.

Jux · 18/04/2023 19:32

Via a via the patriarch model. I was taught that the Patiarch's duty was to put everyone else's health walth and happiness before his own and if he failed to do that then the obedience thing went out the window. As you ar unhappy, he is failing in his dut to you, and you therefor do not owe him your obedience as he does not deserve it.

Marths · 18/04/2023 19:38

Godlovesall26 · 18/04/2023 19:08

Not sure what precisely you mean about both to be honest.
Uganda situation is like many places, and seemingly OP’s husband, people using distorted creations of religions (that most perpetrators hardly follow, if you read some specific biographies) to create war, gain power and money.

Show quote history

Both places are passing regressive laws backed by the Church and various Christian factions. And even if they do things you don't like doesn't mean they're not Christian, just like the people in the countries you won't state for some reason are still whatever religion they are.

samqueens · 18/04/2023 19:46

You can’t get him to understand because what he is talking about is nothing to do with religion (or any other legitimate concern) and is simply all about control.

I highly recommend (discreetly) reading the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft (you can download on kindle app). It’s incredibly insightful and compassionate and I think you’ll find it helps you identify what’s happening to you…

Newestname002 · 18/04/2023 19:47

This is not religion, it is abuse. If you cannot compromise and accept other people have valid views, I want a divorce.

Actually I wouldn't mention divorce until you've done your financial research about what property you can afford without him, a job paying decent money/increase your hours, found a good family law solicitor etc etc as hell only step up the level of his coercive behaviour. Contact Women's Aid for advice. 🌹

AprilFool23 · 18/04/2023 19:53

Rainadey · 18/04/2023 18:34

@HairyKitty My husband was a completely different man to what he is now when we first started dating and prior to marriage. He was considerate, caring and showed no signs of control whatsoever. I would have run the other way immediately and cut it off then and there if I knew this is how he would turn out. He completely changed from Jekyll to Hyde when we had our first child. His need to control was so intense that I suffered much worse with postpartum depression as he would time how long I could breastfed and would try to tell me when to feed or that I was over feeding, like monitoring me which eventually stopped when I stood up to him and told him to back off! It was not met well and he wouldn’t talk to me for days. I was also not allowed to take the baby out until his say so. People were not allowed to see the baby without his approval and the list goes on..

He sounds mentally ill.

I don't say that to mean you should stick with him and get him help, I say to mean I think you should get away from him.

Maybe if he gets help and changes long-term you could get back together, but it's more likely he'll stay the same or relapse every whuppabout.

The breast feeding thing is abusive.

No wonder you had pnd.

AprilFool23 · 18/04/2023 19:53

samqueens · 18/04/2023 19:46

You can’t get him to understand because what he is talking about is nothing to do with religion (or any other legitimate concern) and is simply all about control.

I highly recommend (discreetly) reading the book Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft (you can download on kindle app). It’s incredibly insightful and compassionate and I think you’ll find it helps you identify what’s happening to you…

Ive put the free online version earlier in the thread.

Mochinated · 18/04/2023 19:55

Agree totally, he sounds seriously mentally ill and dangerous. Paranoid schizophrenia or something. The man you thought you married is gone and isn't going to come back.

Do you have anyone you can trust to help you and DC escape from him?

BishopRock · 18/04/2023 20:05

OP, this is abuse and it isn't going to go away.

With me, getting married was enough. Two hours after our wedding my ( now ex) husband changed and it was downhill from then on. My husband believed that when we married he had me where he could control me and I couldn't get away easily.

With you, it was having a baby that gave your husband the go ahead, safe in the belief you wouldn't try to get away, or if you did it would be extremely difficult as you'd had a baby.

This control is nothing to do with religion, it's about you bending to his will, you obeying him, him having the ultimate say in what you do.

There's only one option and that is to get out.

BishopRock · 18/04/2023 20:10

Alao OP, it's absolutely not about making him understand. This is something that kept me in my abusive marriage for years, my belief that I could somehow explain and he'd understand.

Let me tell you that your husband does understand. He is fully aware. He is in absolute full knowledge that he wants you to be under his thumb. He is training you to obey him. If you do as he wants, then he wouldn't go silent on you, would he? One day you'll find yourself behaving differently to avoid his silence, or to keep the peace, or to make things easier.

You'll completely lose yourself to the abuse and it will be so much more difficult to extricate yourself.

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