My husband is in charge of my life..?

[Rainadey]

My husband thinks he is in charge of making decisions about mine and the children’s lives as apparently he always knows better.

Tonight has ended up with me absolutely losing my cool because I simply can’t put up with the control anymore. He is religious although even that’s up for debate, whereas I am not. He uses religion as a way to constantly belittle me regarding the children. One example is he has never let me or them celebrate Halloween which I understand it’s against his religion and while I appreciate that he doesn’t have to participate and all I would like is to get them some Halloween sweets one year but no he will go absolutely mental and will not talk to me or give me the silent treatment if I don’t adhere to what he wants.

Tonight though in particular I mentioned I wanted to take the kids to this beautiful gastro pub right next to where we are moving. He has outright said no I’m not to take them as it’s against his religion. I explained to him it’s a restaurant and I’m not there to drink as I don’t even drink and we will simply have a meal for lunch and he said nope absolutely not. This infuriated me as I said I don’t really need his permission to take the kids to a nice lunch especially for something so trivial like a restaurant as I grew up eating at gastro pubs with my family and really enjoyed that part of my childhood but apparently because he’s the man and his kids are being raised Christian he won’t allow it so therefore I have no input. I told him he’s being controlling and that I will be taking the kids without his permission in which he then got even angrier and said again ‘no you are not, you are not taking them’! That is when I broke down as I’ve spent so much of this marriage dimming all the things I like and want to do with the kids because he doesn’t approve! I’ve had enough and I feel so suffocated by his control. What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

This

I’m from a majority Christian region/country and few people agree with americas stance if you mean pro-choice. True for many other countries. I’m unsure America is the best example for this, their own states and citizens (thankfully) disagree. They have a very different lobbying system that I think a lot of us in Europe consider ourselves lucky not to have.
Other countries I meant mine of origin which are unsafe, so I’m very used to religions conflicts, I have family there and it’s always been drummed in me to practice safety, even on an online forum

@Marths although Im unsure this thread is about religion, OP’s husband needs to be out because of him point blank

Just because you disagree with their stance doesn't mean they're not Christian.

Get out now whilst you can.

he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong. If he wants to change and will agree to counselling then I might be willing to give him a second chance but that’s it.

whilst he might not be physically abusive, this is abusive. He is supposed to be your equal partner, not controller.

please listen to what everyone is telling you. This is so wrong on every level

The majority of Christians disagree. And there’s a difference between being Christian within a ‘strict’ denomination (one of my friends is a JW, we disagree on lots except values - values seem to be the DH’s biggest problems given how he treats his wife), and claiming to be X religion but inventing an interpretation (my countries of origin were another religion, and it’s easy to imagine people agree - well my relative spoke out and got shot in the head with 4 young kids, like many others).

What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

You say, "fuck off to the other side of fuck and when you get there fuck off some more"

@Marths Ime the big groups ie ‘Christian’ don’t mean as much these days anyway, there’s been way too many branches, interpretations and what not. I get on better with my JW friend on shared values and beliefs than people ‘closer’ to ‘mainstream’.
I don’t lump people into one category, and if someone wishes to lump me into one because of the official most used name for my beliefs, I don’t associate generally

Abuse often starts around pregnancy and birth. This type of coercion and control is abuse. He won’t change, and you need to get out as it will get worse. It’s no life for you or your DC, and not behaviour you want them to think is normal.

Call WA when you can. Talking to him is a waste of time, and might be dangerous if he thinks you have had enough. Good luck.

Why do you stay?

@Rainadey
I can’t wade thru all the posts but my first impression from your first post is that your husband is a zealot. Zealots can get very nasty when crossed. Take care of yourself if you break away from him. Call me dramatic and clearly you know best but he could get fanatical and dangerous. I truly hope not.

Unfortunately I wonder also.
OP doesn’t have to share a denomination, but it would be really helpful for her to know if this is classic behavior, and how divorces turn out. It’s sad.
I second (well 20?) the Women’s aid suggestion

He is Pentecostal Nigerian

He's a controlling arsehole and is using his religion as a stick to beat you with.

Divorce the bastard.

Please speak to women's aid, or a local women's charity. This is only going to get worse. They can help you. And please don't move house, without talking to someone.

*Newestname002 · Today 19:47
This is not religion, it is abuse. If you cannot compromise and accept other people have valid views, I want a divorce.

Actually I wouldn't mention divorce until you've done your financial research about what property you can afford without him, a job paying decent money/increase your hours, found a good family law solicitor etc etc as hell only step up the level of his coercive behaviour. Contact Women's Aid for advice. 🌹*

Yes, good point.

But if he says something so ridiculous like youre not allowed to go to the pub with the kids.
My answer to that would be a sarcastic “ok dear, whatever” and then I would go anyways.
What exactly would he do if you went against his wishes?

Bloodyhell can I cask how you got this far with him? Did you not realise at the time that religious men who are part of monotheistic religions generally think your place is to obey your husband?

Tell him divorce is not Christian but that’s what he will get unless he changes his ways .
Personally I see a lot if red g flags no what you describe and I would leave him and take the children very far away . Nobody that is a religious fanatic has much to offer as a role model . They are better without him ! Off course I know legally this might nit be possible but he is abusive and you should seek help

I genuinely believe men like this target women who rhey know they can control. I give an example. If my husband even considered he could tell me what I was or was not allowed to do, he’d have suffered some real pain. So I’d not be attractive to some controlling misogynistic freak like the op married, and I don’t say that lightly.

op I think it’s fantastic you’re finding your voice, but you’re in an abusive marriage, do you feel able to do anything about it?

I knew he would belong to an evangelical church. He is coercively controlling you and this is abusive. Ring women’s aid.

It sounds like your husband is committing a criminal offence of controlling and coercive behaviour. What is he like with financial control? Do you work? Are you allowed time out with friends.. if you do go out does he message you a lot to check up on you? Does he 'tell you off' if things aren't done to his standard around the home? I really feel for you. I highly doubt he will be able to change his pattern of behaviour because I suspect he will be entirely unable to see that he is wrong. As tough as it is I think you probably need to try firmly standing up to him and living your life by your own morals for a while. This will probably be kill or cure and if he doesn't like it you may need to make the thought decision to call time. If it does ever feel appropriate to do so then you would most certainly be warranted in reporting this behaviour to the Police. Not from the 'getting him in trouble ' angle as much as for safeguarding and support.

As a fellow Christian who believes in the sanctity of marriage, you get my first ever LTB. Go to the gastro pub with your kids to celebrate leaving his awful controlling nature

^This

My kids' staunchly Catholic school has a Halloween disco and a bar area in the school hall at fundraising events. I've never heard of a religion being against gastro pubs before.

It's not that he's religious, he's a controlling arse who sucks all the joy out of life. Leave leave leave. Do yourself and the kids a favour. Let's see what his religion has to say about divorce!

OP - sounds awful 😞 Hope you are taking on board some of this advice?

I find the facts he's nigérian interesting;I don't mean to offend anyone with what I'm about to say but in my personal experience I've found men who are born and raised in African countries tend to have a very patriarchal attitude and expect to be head of the household and have their wives and children (especially daughters) do as they are told.

What are the other men in his family like OP?