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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband is in charge of my life..?

183 replies

Rainadey · 17/04/2023 23:06

My husband thinks he is in charge of making decisions about mine and the children’s lives as apparently he always knows better.

Tonight has ended up with me absolutely losing my cool because I simply can’t put up with the control anymore. He is religious although even that’s up for debate, whereas I am not. He uses religion as a way to constantly belittle me regarding the children. One example is he has never let me or them celebrate Halloween which I understand it’s against his religion and while I appreciate that he doesn’t have to participate and all I would like is to get them some Halloween sweets one year but no he will go absolutely mental and will not talk to me or give me the silent treatment if I don’t adhere to what he wants.

Tonight though in particular I mentioned I wanted to take the kids to this beautiful gastro pub right next to where we are moving. He has outright said no I’m not to take them as it’s against his religion. I explained to him it’s a restaurant and I’m not there to drink as I don’t even drink and we will simply have a meal for lunch and he said nope absolutely not. This infuriated me as I said I don’t really need his permission to take the kids to a nice lunch especially for something so trivial like a restaurant as I grew up eating at gastro pubs with my family and really enjoyed that part of my childhood but apparently because he’s the man and his kids are being raised Christian he won’t allow it so therefore I have no input. I told him he’s being controlling and that I will be taking the kids without his permission in which he then got even angrier and said again ‘no you are not, you are not taking them’! That is when I broke down as I’ve spent so much of this marriage dimming all the things I like and want to do with the kids because he doesn’t approve! I’ve had enough and I feel so suffocated by his control. What should I tell him to get him to understand that there needs to be compromise as right now it’s all about his way and his rules?

OP posts:
Fuerza · 18/04/2023 08:42

@yahtzeecandle so true, I relate. The book I'm Ok you're Ok by Thomas Harris (i think?) really showed me that my relationship with my mother had trained me to accept the one down position. ie, lesser. @Rainadey don't let your children be like me, growing up to find being controlled the norm.

My religion now is Do No Harm and Take No Shit.......... it's closer to Christianity than the control he is executing..

Skybluepinky · 18/04/2023 08:44

Run for the hills.

strawberry2017 · 18/04/2023 08:46

Well I'm pretty sure god wouldn't be happy with the way he is treating his family!
Tell him to do one and live a happy life making decisions for your self!

TheMarsian · 18/04/2023 08:47

You are not going to make him change his mind.
Wether it’s truly part of his religion or not, he believes that whatever he says goes and you’re not allowed to have a voice.

He isn’t going to change 😢😢

The real question is, are you happy to put up with that?

Channellingsophistication · 18/04/2023 08:47

he will never understand, so you cannot reason with him. You have two choices. you stay and live this controlled life. or you choose to be free…can you cancel the house move….?

yahtzeecandle · 18/04/2023 08:48

Fuerza · 18/04/2023 08:42

@yahtzeecandle so true, I relate. The book I'm Ok you're Ok by Thomas Harris (i think?) really showed me that my relationship with my mother had trained me to accept the one down position. ie, lesser. @Rainadey don't let your children be like me, growing up to find being controlled the norm.

My religion now is Do No Harm and Take No Shit.......... it's closer to Christianity than the control he is executing..

yes exactly. and I don't understand all the 'this is not about religion' comments. he is literally using his religion as justification for how he is treating OP. it's like saying 'this is not about alcohol' if he were getting hammered and beating her. just because your interpretation of religion wouldn't lead you to ban halloween, doesn't mean that his behaviour has nothing to do with religion, like how just because you can have a few drinks and be fine, doesn't mean a violent alcoholic's problems wouldn't be about alcohol. there may be other problems, sure - but religion is playing a key role here.

user1492757084 · 18/04/2023 08:49

Well, you could seek advice from his Vicar for yourself (in private) about how to help your husband embrace true Christian beliefs about marriage.

Then invite the Vicar over to your home for a private session each week for your husband to help explain to him about not being angry and joyless and controlling.

I think your husband, as he is now, will only listen to the Vicar and I think that is your only hope - that he learns to want to respect and listen to you. He has an epiphany!

Naunet · 18/04/2023 08:54

user1492757084 · 18/04/2023 08:49

Well, you could seek advice from his Vicar for yourself (in private) about how to help your husband embrace true Christian beliefs about marriage.

Then invite the Vicar over to your home for a private session each week for your husband to help explain to him about not being angry and joyless and controlling.

I think your husband, as he is now, will only listen to the Vicar and I think that is your only hope - that he learns to want to respect and listen to you. He has an epiphany!

If the only way he can understand that he needs to consider his wife is if another man tells him, the relationship is doomed anyway. If he sees her as so lowly that he doesn’t even have to listen and talk and communicate with her directly, as an equal, with respect and love, then there’s nothing to save.

dottiedodah · 18/04/2023 08:55

Methodist church is Teetotal .This isnt really the point here though is it?He is being controlling and unreasonable here .DC wont become Alcoholics through a few lunches at a Restaurant FFS! I think you either have to accept he wont change ,or make plans to leave .There was a similar thread yesterday about a lady in a similar position ,DH was controlling everything from where they live to how she arranged the kitchen! I am not being rude here ,but I wonder how you ended up with someone who is very religious when you are not .Its easy to say LTB of course ,but in reality you will be worried about cost ,and DC living apart from you and your DH 50% of the time.Looking forward 5 or 10 years do you still want to be trapped so much you cant even go where you want? I thought Christians frowned on Divorce ,maybe this may even make him think!

unsync · 18/04/2023 09:02

Leave. He's making it up to control you. Nothing in Christianity prevents you taking your kids to the pub. You could remind him of the wedding in Cana, but I suspect it would fall on deaf ears. He's just using his religion as a method of control. Leave, before it gets worse.

PaterPower · 18/04/2023 09:06

This sounds horrifically suffocating.

If he’s decided that his version of Christianity includes you being a ‘surrendered’ wife, with the kids only doing what he tells them to, then his controlling behaviour will only get worse.

What redeeming features does he possess that in any way balance out the way he disregards your opinions? Do you really want your kids seeing your marriage as the example they should follow?

ShimmeringShirts · 18/04/2023 09:09

Coercive control and emotionally abusive, lovely.

Leave OP, you and your kids deserve more than this. And ditch the Christianity, it’s a load of bullshit as you’ve seen for yourself.

loislovesstewie · 18/04/2023 09:25

I don't normally say LTB but on this occasion I think that is the answer. He is seeking to control you by using religious beliefs. Whether he actually thinks those are right is neither here nor there. He is being controlling and you are going to end up ill, defeated and very unhappy. Please make plans to leave and seek legal advice. Speak to Women's Aid too as they will have experience of what you are going through.

QuizzlyBear · 18/04/2023 09:27

I've never said LTB in my life but honestly? I would.

If he was being controlling because of reasonable money or security worries, that's something that can be worked with, addressed, discussed and resolved. Religion though? You can't argue with his beliefs because they aren't based in logic. You'll never 'win' and he'll control all aspects of your life and your children's before you know it.

Schnooze · 18/04/2023 09:30

You do realise, Christian or not, that this is a totally dysfunctional and not normal relationship right?

Hadjab · 18/04/2023 09:31

I was the Christian in our relationship - not the zealous kind, I believe in pubs as much as I believe in God. My husband was more agnostic. I made it clear from the outset that I wanted our kids to be brought up in the Christian faith, which he was absolutely fine with - he knew what I was when he met me, so it didn't come as a surprise.

We came to a compromise - the kids and I went to church on Sundays, came home, and we'd do family stuff. He'd occasionally go to church and we'd then spend the afternoons at my mum's, or we'd miss church altogether and spend the day at his parents. We never celebrated Halloween, not from a religious point of view, but were both of the mindset that sending your kids out to take sweets from strangers is just a little weird, especially having grown up during the Stranger Danger era, although he would carve the odd pumpkin now and again.

You need to sit your husband down and get him to understand that having faith is great, but restricting what his children (and indeed wife) can and can't do for religious reasons is only making a rod for his own back when it comes to their later years. If he makes alcohol and pubs a no-go zone, guess what, the kids will make beeline for them when they are older. I'm assuming he's of the mindset that the man is the head of the household, hence the "I'm the man, I make all the decisions" stance? I suggest he reads Proverbs 1:5:

A wise man will hear and increase in learning,
And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel

Maybe he needs to speak to his Pastor/Vicar/whatever, as to what that actually means from a biblical sense, because it sure as hell does not mean his wife should shut up and put up! Biblicaly, husbands should respect their wives, that means taking on board your thoughts, opinions, wishes, etc.

If all of that fails, then I'd be making plans to leave, as you'll be setting yourself and your kids up for a lifetime of control and disappointment otherwise.

HeadacheEarthquake · 18/04/2023 09:35

Christians are free to drink alcohol and celebrate Halloween. (All saints... remind him)

He sounds like a cunt, sorry. Leave him.

MrsMiagi · 18/04/2023 09:39

I'm religious, my husband isn't. We don't do Halloween and my child hasn't suffered for it. Sweets from strangers is really odd I can't see why it's OK on one day of the year.

Not sure why the pub is an issue unless it's the exposure to drunk people, swearing etc in which case maybe a restaurant is a better option? Though I know not all pubs are rowdy and loud.

You can't reason with him and if he has always been like this you knew who you were marrying and its not going to suddenly change.

Maybe you have to consider leaving him.

Lullabies2Paralyze · 18/04/2023 09:43

I don’t think his religion has anything to do with the way he is acting tbh.

my mam is Christian, while she doesn’t like Halloween she never stopped me going trick or treating if a friend invited me, or to the Halloween school disco etc

we also had lots of pub lunches and she goes to a quiz at a pub every week ….also Christian’s have wine during the bread and wine blessing part of church (sorry it’s been years since I went to a church Sunday service so I have forgotten what this is called).

your husband is being controlling, and unless he also controls your money (very worrying if he does) then you should have just gone out to the pub without telling him.

Cosycover · 18/04/2023 09:45

I wouldn't inflict this life on my children. I'd be getting as far away as possible.

Cherryana · 18/04/2023 10:03

Okay…he will be very entrenched in his views and convinced for his ‘rightness and point of view’ - which is synonymous with speaking on behalf of God. He may even have a support network who encourages this.

It is a form of cult-like brainwashing. It is controlling and narcissistic wrapped up in the extreme end of Christianity. It is emotional abuse.

You need to do the following:

  1. Listen to this podcast BTR.org
It was created by a woman who was in a religious environment and she will make you feel less alone.
  1. Find a non-religious female counsellor to help you find yourself and consider boundaries. You will have compromised to the point of mistrusting your own inner voice. You must uncover ‘you’ again - you are there and you are capable.
3.Be sensible and start to get your finances in order…

You get to choose how to live your life, absolutely in average marriages compromise is part of life, your relationship is not typical.

Good luck

femfemlicious · 18/04/2023 10:09

There's nothing you can tell him to change his mind. This is a problem with marrying from a different culture. Love is not enough. He is going to become horrific when he can no longer control you. Be ready.

horseymum · 18/04/2023 10:15

So sorry you are in this situation, he sounds awful. On a separate note, this is why as a Christian I would not have married a non Christian, the values would be too different ( however your husband doesn't sound like he is acting in a very Christ-like manner at all). I said this was separate because I don't think he is being like this because he is a ( or says he is )Christian but because he is being horrible. Plenty of Christians don't believe in Halloween or getting drunk, some may even not go in to pubs but this would be something that was discussed with a spouse, before marriage.

AprilFool23 · 18/04/2023 10:27

I think "Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that.." would be a useful read here.

It's primarily about physical abuse but applies to all other relationship abuse too.

It is his values & character.

Nothing will change that.