Was Any one on here the OW?

[Mindovermatter247]

I always see a woman go nuts at the other women when obviously it takes 2 to tango and the men are defo not blameless, in fact sometime the Ow is a victim too, especially if they had no idea about man’s real or other life.
live always wanted to h3ar the experiences of the other woman…
did you know he was married/in a relationship? If so why did you continue affair?
how many didn’t know bloke had another life?
we always hear the males point of view, Hardly the point of view of the other person..

I have. Both knowingly and unknowingly.

The unknowing time, I met him when he was out with his mates, told me he was single, and had kids with his ex which he saw at weekends. Saw each other a couple of times a week for months, texted and called all the time, as far as I was aware we were in a relationship. Until a friend looked him up on Facebook (I don't have it) and it turned out he was engaged and his fiancee was pregnant. Blocked him and never spoke to him again from that moment.

The knowing time, I was single, he was not. There was no relationship, no calls, no texts, just sex when we bumped into each other once or twice a month.

Not proud of either scenario to be honest.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4746920-i-had-no-idea-i-was-the-ow

I was, no idea even though the signs were there. I'll answer any questions you have.
I'm embarrassed but not ashamed, if that makes sense?

I was labeled the OW after I met my now DH. He had already left the family home 5 months before and had moved in with his Mum, they mutually agreed to separate. Their children were mid 20's. I had also left my exh and had a flat. We met and became friends through walking and our dogs. When DHs exw found out he was seeing someone all hell broke out. I was labeled a whore, so many people were told we had had an affair, awful things were posted on social media, we were labeled as swingers it was one of the worst times in my life.
These stories stick as people say no smoke without fire, I just wanted to highlight that sometimes a situation isn't what it seems if you hear gossip.
We are happily married and together 5 years. Dh's exw is still a spiteful woman and hasn't moved on at all. Thankfully a lot of mutual friends realised the truth eventually. Only one of DH children speak to him now because of the exw.

did you know he was married/in a relationship? Yes

If so why did you continue affair? I was fresh out of a long term relationship & having something casual suited me. We’ve been friends since childhood & always had a connection. Things got a bit too serious & we thought we had fallen in love. Looking back ir was limerence. We’re no longer together or even friends. His wife found out & we didn’t even discuss being together and agreed to keep our distance. It’s been 2 years since we spoke.

I was the OW when I was 18, a very long time ago. We met at work. I had just ended a relationship and my ex had turned nasty, stalking, threatening me with violence and I was petrified. My parents were not the supportive type and my work colleague was the only one who seemed concerned for me. One day, my ex turned up at my work brandishing a knife and threatening to stab me. My colleague protected me and got rid of my ex. I was very grateful... the work colleague made a pass and I responded. I knew he was married. I didn't love him but I had an affair with him to protect me from my violent ex. I am not trying to justify myself, I am saying what happened. I was wrong to have an affair. I felt very guilty. Before I knew it, he had left his wife! I was in a terrible state, I didn't want him but I wanted to be protected.

He threatened to kill himself if I didn't stay with him. I went to the police but they laughed at me (this was a very long time ago). I felt so guilty too, about splitting a marriage up. I didn't know what to do. I ended up marrying him and it lasted nearly 20 years. He was absolutely bloody awful, really abusive, so I certainly got my punishment. I never ever tell anyone what I have just revealed here. It looks awful written down. I suppose I still feel guilty in some ways. I do think that in an awful way I did his wife a favour, I am certain he was just as foul to her.

There was also that feeling of, they know he had a girlfriend and they 'had something' over me.

With my situation (speaking for my people 😂), this absolutely is not the case. My AP's wife is beautiful, and is an incredible person to put up with the life that he has (disregarding him & I, obviously that's not known). I regularly remind him how lucky he his to have such a supportive wife that allows him to flourish in his career, and that without her, he'd be ruined.

If it ever comes out that we're having an affair, I've made it clear that he cannot in any way attach any blame to her. He alone is responsible for his behaviour. If she's tired, if she's preoccupied with children... it's all because she's holding the fort down while he works, while he lives his life.

Hypocritical, yes.
Misplaced honour, yes.
Do I expect a medal, no.

But you can be a selfish, horrible person and still have empathy.

I was the ow for a year: both married and with children, both desperately unhappy. I deeply regret all the pain and hurt we caused and not one day goes past where I don’t feel consumed with guilt. We both left our partners and are together now. I have many, many regrets, but being with him now is not one of them. We are still very much in love.

@TableFor5 that is honestly sickening. Holding down the fort so he can live his life, have a fabulous career and screw you. All while she is at home with his children. But not to worry his AP tells him not to blame her for his choices and pitying her. How kind of you.

And if she knew that actually her husband values that and her so little he is screwing you she would have the ability to make different life choices for her self.

Your post isn't an example of empathy.

I remember you from those threads about leaving affairs. What a nightmare. Every time we’d post people would just come on and call us scum.

I was suicidal too and stopped posting and left MN.

anyway yes I had an affair. It was the worst thing I could have done. It was 3 months. He left his wife after declaring his love for me. I was just swept up in the romance of the whole thing.

covid came at the right time. I agonised over confessing to my husband and yes o did confess. He was amazing. It was like some weird reset. He didn’t really want to know the details. I offered counselling together etc but he just wanted to move on me chalk it up to a midlife crisis.

I feel so bloody lucky. Our marriage has definitely improved. I never thought in a million years I’d be the type to cheat and then actually stay and for the relationship to get better.

after I broke off the affair the other man just hopped from one woman to the next and has moved in with 2 women since we split. Not that special after all.

I kept a diary throughout it all and even reading it now - 3 years on - is painful. The breathtaking selfishness I achieved is unbelievable.

in between reading what a scummy shitbag I was on here, I did get really good advice. Especially from one poster whose husband had had an affair and she’d forgiven him. She also got abused for being a doormat but I was so greatful.

other posters would point out that it’s not actually illegal but we’d have an easier ride if we were crack addicts robbing the off licence.

people forget that we’re mothers. We’re human and fucked up.

anyway a pandemic and a parental death later and DH are stronger than ever. I’m not saying this as a happy ever after tale, but to anyone having (or thinking) an affair just don’t. End it.

@biehrvduevr I'm glad you didn't lose your marriage for someone clearly not worth it and your husband forgave you.

Thanks. I’m VERY lucky. He’s a brilliant husband. We genuinely get on really well and he’s never held it against me. We actually don’t argue so it’s not something that lurks in the background causing a rot in the marriage.

I meant to say I went on medication and had 3 (!) lots of counselling. I read loads of books, listened to podcasts and watched you tube videos. I’m a very different person now.

I never stopped loving my husband. I experienced limerence and was out of my mind.

Sort of but not quite to the extent of people on here.
I met a guy online about 4 years ago, we'd been dating for around a month but he went travelling for what was meant to be a couple of months. He told me we'd be carrying on as normal as soon as he got back and there was talk of me going to visit him out there (I know I was so naive).

We were in touch most days and he was texting me saying he missed me, he wanted to see me as soon as he was back, calling me beautiful etc.

Then one day his Facebook profile was set to restricted viewing. I was very suspicious, I looked at his 'recently added' friends list, found a woman and clicked on her page and it said that they'd been in a relationship for the last couple of weeks.

I was fuming, sent him the screenshot and he tried to claim his account had been hacked. For some ridiculous reason I believed it.

Then he admitted eventually that he'd lied and told me 'we agreed this was going to be an open thing' LOL no we didn't.

He didn't chest as we weren't in an official relationship and I was very naive, but he was making out like me and him were a thing and would be still when he got back.

I contacted the girlfriend and told her, but she wasn't interested. Seems that they're still together, I see how I had a very lucky escape and wouldn't give him the time of day now.

Some of the age gaps on this thread are 🤢 Imagine how you'd feel as the older wife.

I don't expect anyone to understand, and I'm not expecting any support. Simply offering up some candid thoughts, as the OP asked for.

BTW, I didn't post on here not expecting any kind of judgement or opinions. All of them are right, just emotionally - it isn't easy. He does not sleep with his wife, there's a significant age gap between them both with her being significantly older than him.. She's lost interest in all that side of the marriage and has consistently rejected him over the years.. I choose to believe that.. I know it comes across as "the script" but rather than thinking I'm trying to justifying being the other woman, I'm just listing reasons.

I'm an OW too. Similar story to @TableFor5 actually.

Yes, I knew he was married with kids when it started, and it has been going on for almost 4 years. It's purely sexual. He's not going to leave his wife, and I wouldn't want him to. The arrangement works for both of us.

Are you married yourself?

Arrangement' is a good word for it. It works, for now. None of us are under the illusion that we're destined to be together forever.

Wow - what a load of utter bitches there are on this thread. Yes, ow I am talking about you. I have never heard so much bullshit being spouted as when you're trying to justify your actions.

Yes, it is black and white. Decent people don't shag people who are already in a relationship.

But if you read them, you'll see the posters aren't justifying anything, they can see & accept the flaws clear as day.

I find this so much harder to understand than when people say they have fallen in love.

It's 'purely sexual' yet worth him betraying his wife so deeply on every level.

If it's 'purely sexual' couldn't you just find someone you really fancy to have a purely sexual relationship with?

If it's not even a deep emotional connection then you're both doing something so incredibly selfish just for shags.

I was the ow. He was an old friend from school, I knew he had a child from a relationship in his late teens which I know broke up. He then met someone else and became very serious with her. When we met again it was just by chance, looked him up online and there was no mention of this girl. I then asked him about her and he said things hadn’t been going well and she ended it with him a while ago.
We were together just a short time but I discovered by accident that he was very much with her and not long got engaged. When I asked him about it he was very apologetic at first and then turned nasty.

I kept my distance from him and ended it straight away. I’m not there to be the ow, I’m not there to be the ow. I only wanted something fun and not serious but helping someone to cheat is not what I planned for. Once he realised that I was a risk to him, he blocked me everywhere. Every now and then he’d get back in touch in the hope that I’d be interested in a one night stand. Finally the last time I managed to block him first.

Yes. I was his exit affair. Started as colleagues, became more. He was deeply unhappy to the point of depression but trapped financially (sole breadwinner, wife didn’t/wouldn’t work). He’d tried to change things but there was resistance. I should add this wasn’t just his one-sided story, I subsequently heard a lot that confirmed what he’d told me from my now-stepchild, with whom I get on very well. Not proud that we began as an affair but we’re still together decades later (married now) and to my knowledge he’s never cheated again. His wife has remarried since and hopefully they’re both happier apart.

I've just recently separated from my long-term fiancé. We hadn't been happy for a long long time which was probably the reason I was so receptive to OM's advances.

It does sound cold and business-like but yes, same as yours, it is very much an arrangement. We have an understanding and we're both happy with what we provide one another.

I was 21, he was 13 years my senior. He had just spilt up with someone. I used to stay at his all the time, after sometime realised he was avoiding his place and twigged he was back with his ex (more a hunch which he confirmed rather than anything concrete). I called it off but did see him again a few times - we’d been seeing each other two years at this point and I enjoyed his company, he felt safe and familiar.

Yes, I don't deny it. It is extremely selfish on both sides.

My AP made himself available to me, and we both fulfil each others needs/wants without the expectation of more.