Was Any one on here the OW?

[Mindovermatter247]

I always see a woman go nuts at the other women when obviously it takes 2 to tango and the men are defo not blameless, in fact sometime the Ow is a victim too, especially if they had no idea about man’s real or other life.
live always wanted to h3ar the experiences of the other woman…
did you know he was married/in a relationship? If so why did you continue affair?
how many didn’t know bloke had another life?
we always hear the males point of view, Hardly the point of view of the other person..

The thing I don't understand about affairs is how anyone has the time for one.
Between work, kids, maintaining a home-life (even a facade of this takes time), friends, general day to day tasks etc, I couldn't fit one in even if I wanted to.
I understand that in situations where one person is married and the other single, it poses less of a problem as , inevitably, the single person works around the others schedule. But how on earth do two married people, with kids, find the time for this? Is it just a case of completely checking out from all responsibilities and focusing everything on the affair?

@DuesExMachina nope not inexperienced at all. Nor do I think people should be condemned for having an affair for life but I just don't pity them or the consequences that arrive from them.

@MadeForFun I hope you get to a stage you don't need external validation from him and at least protect yourself and future relationships you might have by using condoms so you reduce the risk of something irreversible happening to you.

We met at work. I was 45, he was a bit older. I had separated from long term DP two years before.

He'd been working abroad and came back to the UK and joined our company. His family was in Scotland. He'd bought a house locally and started to build up a social life and I had no reason to disbelieve him when he said that he and his DW had separated and were getting a divorce. Although I was familiar with the divorce process in England at that time, I had no idea how it worked in Scotland and took him at his word.

Within weeks we were virtually living together. We had regular meals out, weekends away in the UK and Europe and on a weekend in a five star plus hotel in Germany, he asked me to marry him and I accepted.

Everything was very rosy for the first 18 months or so. Then I started to push to meet his family. After all, this was a serious relationship, wasn't it? He dumped me out of the blue just before the Easter holidays and then changed his mind when the holidays were over. I went back to him, but with one eye firmly open, and eventually the whole story came out.

He was not separated and he was not getting a divorce. His DW was in the family home in Scotland with the youngest of their three children and the weekends he told me he was visiting his DM, he was actually with her. He had lied to me on an almost daily basis from the day we met until the day I said "No more".

I would not have touched him with somebody else's bargepole had I known he was married

What gets me about some of these posts is how unique/special/unusual/different-to-the-rest, some of the OW see themselves and their situations. Get real!

The ones who were borderline/actually abused by older men are heartbreaking though.

What consequences? I'm happily married with a family.

As is everyone else in my story (but not the rapist twat- currently alone and drinking himself to death 😎)

I was 18 he was 10 years older. He was well known locally and we went out with his friends and didn't hide our relationship in public so I believed him when he said they were separated and just still living together. We went to his house frequently but only when his wife was out as they agreed not to rub each others faces in new relationships.

His friends wife said to me once you do know he's married? What a fucking idiot I was. This went on for a year. No one told her.

He eventually left her, told her about me and she got my number and called me. When I found out they'd been having sex throughout I finished it. She didn't take him back.

@TheOtherHotstepper did you not think it was odd that he was visiting his mother, not his kids? And that you hadn’t met his kids? Were you actually intent on marrying a father without meeting his children?

In our case we both frequently have to stay away from home, for work (although we don't work together). So we don't specifically say, let's check out of home life and get together. We're already away from home, and just use that as an opportunity to see each other. My time at home is completely focused on home/family life, and AP doesn't come into it.

One day I hope to be able to escape my marriage. Although I I can't speak for AP, I doubt he will ever leave his marriage (willingly anyway - his wife may one day decide it for him!). But he and I will never be in a conventional relationship whatever happens. When we see each other, we're temporarily free of the humdrum of life. We're not nagging each other to put the bins out, to pick dirty socks up off the floor... the reality of being together.

Some of the responses on here have been really respectful, and it's been refreshing to read a real conversation where people are listening to viewpoints, albeit clearly not approving or understanding (which of course is totally fine).

So you're not the other woman then?

I haven't been the OW, but I have been accused of it. I have a colleague with whom I am very close; he got involved with someone on the other side of the planet, she made it a condition of their relationship that he distance himself from me (because she already thought he was involved with me; again, he wasn't).

While he did initially distance himself, it didn't last; we work together and play together, and have for 20 years. She was abusive in a variety of ways, including social media stalking me. They lasted about a year, and our friendship nearly didn't survive the fact that he was prepared to throw it all away for a girlfriend. I believe she still thinks I was the OW

I was but was also married myself. We have now been together over 20 years. MN allows for no grey areas here but the reality is that sometimes relationships end and sometimes infidelity is the catalyst for that. Interestingly in real life people had nuanced responses whereas on MN you tend to get a barrage of knee jerk abuse.

I was the OW. We met at work and he said that his marriage was on the rocks. Colleagues told me he had moved out of the family home as he had been having an affair with someone else.

I believed everything I was told and so by the time I found out that he had moved back in with his family I was deeply in love and then found out I was pregnant. At that stage he left his wife and moved in with me. We now have two DCs together and my DSCs (his DCs from his marriage) get on really well with our joint DCs.

I was unwittingly the OW at the beginning, but I can honestly say that I have no regrets as I now have a wonderful family. Unfortunately my DP feels deeply guilty for breaking up his first family and that has impacted on his own happiness.

If you read the thread there have actually been some respectful dialogues, it hasn't just been a pile on at all.

I’m currently an OW. Both married but I’m in an open relationship so I’m not cheating. He is cheating however, like PP’s it is purely an arrangement that works for both of us. The reason I do it is because the sex is exciting and he makes me feel safe, neither of us want to be together and would never leave our spouses. I don’t feel bad about his wife because I know for a fact that if it wasn’t me it would be someone else - the responsibility of her is on him. He has form for cheating and she always takes him back.

I feel the same.

I didn’t feel any responsibility for my affair partner’s wife although I felt dreadful when she found out. The guilt swallowed me up for a while.

Let she who is without sin cast the first stone!

Wise words. As you get older you see shades of grey in all relationships

I was when I was in my 20s. My boyfriend from when I was a teenager (so we’d basically grown up together and knew each other a long time) cheated on me with a mutual friend and an ex. We broke up, and he married the ex very quickly because she was supposedly ‘pregnant’.

I was pretty pissed off about being cheated on and left and hurt that he married her within months after us being together for years. So when the opportunity presented itself, we started meeting up behind her back. Not my finest moral decision, but I was angry and wanted to get one over on both of them. After about a year, I did tell her. She didn’t care. I guess she knew how he was. I grew up and moved away (and am happily married and obviously wouldn’t do anything like that now!) and from what I hear from friends 20 years one, they are still married and he’s likely still cheating on her.

Wait, how was you sleeping with him getting one over on him?

@monsteramunch - in this particular case I agree. My comment was based more on the history of these kind of threads which tend to descend to ‘Burn the witch’ rhetoric! Also the assumption that if someone is unfaithful once then they are untrustworthy forever.

I was once the OW about 20 years ago, I knew he was married with kids as I knew his wife but at that time I thought it was more convenient as I didn’t want the hassle of a clingy boyfriend & I knew I didn’t have to commit to him so I didn’t care. It lasted about 9 month, hot bored of him eventually. It sounds awful but I didn’t like his wife either so I felt no remorse. I would never do it again now but I don’t feel in the least bit bad about it.

Once, in my early 20s. It was a miserable experience because he was a manipulative narcissist who liked playing with people. I still feel bad about it and wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, it was all my own fault.

I was - twice. I was 17. I had left the family home because of neglect and ended up with my Bf. That ended in DV and I found myself in a bit of a slum council flat. The slightest bit of attention was flattering and there was a few occasions with my 32 yo boss. I honestly got a kick out of it, I was mean. He also somehow believed the age of consent was 18 and swore me to secrecy. I knew better and just let him believe it. I had nothing against his wife but I had learnt no morals.

I am about his age now. It makes me disgusted to think how he could take advantage of a girl in such grim situations.

his wife left him, eventually. I’m glad she did, for her sake. He had massive form

I’ve been cheated on it’s just horrible and I can’t understand people actively engaging in that kind of behaviour. I don’t think people truly understand the devastation it causes. If your big and grown up enough to engage in a relationship you’re big enough to do it in an honest and truthful way. All this shades of grey stuff I don’t buy. You can have a relationship with whoever you want you don’t need to sneak around etc and if you do well that’s on you and you can live knowing you’ve destroyed someone for your own kicks.

I asked a man I know who'd had a few affairs why he didn't just split up because he said his wife was boring. The girlfriend was fed up hanging around for 4 yrs but she wasn't the first. Such a gent! He said he needed to be sure that the affair woman was right for him before he ruined his children's lives.

For those on here who always parrot ' you have self esteem issues' -I don't.
Re consent -he hasn't had sex with his wife for 17 years and isn't with anyone else.