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Original poster

Was Any one on here the OW?

211 replies

Mindovermatter247 · 13/04/2023 22:37

I always see a woman go nuts at the other women when obviously it takes 2 to tango and the men are defo not blameless, in fact sometime the Ow is a victim too, especially if they had no idea about man’s real or other life.
live always wanted to h3ar the experiences of the other woman…
did you know he was married/in a relationship? If so why did you continue affair?
how many didn’t know bloke had another life?
we always hear the males point of view, Hardly the point of view of the other person..

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 14/04/2023 20:41

@MadeForFun

At least you're honest with yourself about it I guess.

I just can't imagine wanting to shag someone who is betraying their partner (and, crucially, removing their partner's right to informed consent about their own sex life) because I would be so turned off by what an utter arsehole that makes him.

And irresponsible when it comes to sexual health and also his partner's mental health.

All just such a massive turn off, I don't get how someone could still find someone attractive enough to shag them despite all that.

His poor wife, her choices being entirely removed including about her own sexual health and mental wellbeing.

bellalou1234 · 14/04/2023 20:49

I was at 23 he was older,I had a small daughter and my life changed forever when his wife found out. I had to to sell my flat change my daughters school my family still mention it now. The shame and the guilt on his wife who wanted to kill me, which I understand and deserved it, however she took her husband back he was vile to me.. I had years off messages, threats and Shame. I moved out of the area. This was about 20 years ago and wish I had my time again. No excuses but I was in a vulnerable place and he took advantage, however I wish I'd been stronger and Had boundaries and self respect. My life would have been different now and not carried the shame for years x

MadeForFun · 14/04/2023 20:53

monsteramunch · 14/04/2023 20:41

@MadeForFun

At least you're honest with yourself about it I guess.

I just can't imagine wanting to shag someone who is betraying their partner (and, crucially, removing their partner's right to informed consent about their own sex life) because I would be so turned off by what an utter arsehole that makes him.

And irresponsible when it comes to sexual health and also his partner's mental health.

All just such a massive turn off, I don't get how someone could still find someone attractive enough to shag them despite all that.

His poor wife, her choices being entirely removed including about her own sexual health and mental wellbeing.

I totally get the point about him taking away his wife's informed consent. Her mental health, I'm hoping, won't be an issue because she doesn't know what is going on and, insofar as I can help it, she never will. I don't want to take her husband from her.

I'm still attracted to him because I don't think about his home life while we're together. We meet up, spend time together, have fun, then we go back to our respective lives. We chat occasionally over text in between meetings but other than that, I don't really dwell on what he's doing.

monsteramunch · 14/04/2023 21:11

@MadeForFun

I totally get the point about him taking away his wife's informed consent.

You're comfortable enough with that to continue though. I hope nobody ever does it to you, it must feel so utterly violating to have that choice taken away from you by someone you deeply trust and love.

Her mental health, I'm hoping, won't be an issue because she doesn't know what is going on and, insofar as I can help it, she never will. I don't want to take her husband from her.

It's not about whether you want to take him or not. One slip up, one rogue message, one lie she uncovers... any number of small mistakes he makes could lead to her finding out the truth and her mental health being absolutely shot to pieces.

That isn't your responsibility, obviously. I'm just baffled that you want to shag someone so vile.

At least you are honest that you know it's incredibly selfish of you both and that it removes her informed consent re her sex life and puts her mental wellbeing at risk if she was ever to find out.

Original poster
Mindovermatter247 · 14/04/2023 23:12

I’m not passing judgement on anyone, every one has thier reasons, justified or not it’s not my business to judge, I was genuinely just curious..
I was cheated on back when I was 18, found then bf in a hotel with another woman, I could tell by her reaction, she had absolutely no idea I existed, we became friends actually… have been since. I never ask her about that because at the time it was heartbreaking at the time. Been with currant DP almost 20 years now. about 10 years ago, I started to have feelings for one of my collegues, I knew he felt the same, but we were both in long term relationships, i had kids, so we didn’t react… we are actually good friends still, I realised it wasn’t love, it was lust despite not ever having any sexual relations. Me and DP are stronger than ever, my collegue in a long term relationship and it’s all in the past.

I always see stories where the other woman instantly gets blamed despite the man being totally involved. Some woman act like thier husband/bf are completely innocent… I just wanted to hear some real life situations, to get some insight in why people do what they do… I’ve always said to DP if he falls in love with someone else, I understand but I made him promise never to cheat on me and just tell me straight.

OP posts:
QueefQueen80s · 15/04/2023 00:28

monsteramunch · 14/04/2023 20:41

@MadeForFun

At least you're honest with yourself about it I guess.

I just can't imagine wanting to shag someone who is betraying their partner (and, crucially, removing their partner's right to informed consent about their own sex life) because I would be so turned off by what an utter arsehole that makes him.

And irresponsible when it comes to sexual health and also his partner's mental health.

All just such a massive turn off, I don't get how someone could still find someone attractive enough to shag them despite all that.

His poor wife, her choices being entirely removed including about her own sexual health and mental wellbeing.

I think a lot of women actually find it a turn on that they "have" someone elses man and get off on it being a dirty little secret. Many women feel in competition with each other for mens affections 🤢

JoanThursday1972 · 15/04/2023 01:14

Why don't you all just get a grip, get a guy of your own or stay single? It all sounds like a bad rendition of Whitney Houston Saving All My Love For You.

Lara45 · 15/04/2023 01:17

I was dating a guy years back and I didn't know he was already married. I was actually told by his best friend who after meeting me said I'm a genuine person and I deserved to know.

I was gutted when I found out. The guy who I was dating said he wasn't happy with his wife and would leave her. I ended things as soon as I found out he was married. I didn't want to get involved in their drama.

Whodunitme · 15/04/2023 05:02

Didgerydoo · 14/04/2023 08:53

Yes I am one now.
He is living with his wife and children 21 and 18. They have been living as housemates for years -separate rooms. They cannot afford to split as housing in our area of SW London is exorbitant. He travels a lot for work and so their arrangement is practical. They live entirely separate lives and her friends and family are in a different London borough so our paths never cross. We met through hobby and have mutual friends who we socialise with as a couple who assume he is divorced. I have met his old friends and school friends who knows their situation.
I know he won't move out of the family home and I am not asking him to as I like living alone.

So he says! Oldest excuse in the book!😂

Hellenabe · 15/04/2023 06:59

These stories all make me cringe. I have a best friend whose life was absolutely shattered when her then partner had an affair. She was physically sick for weeks, their children were impacted dreadfully by the fall out. She's wonderful but has never been the same again, fearful of trusting a man again. I could never do that to someone.

Whatsrheday · 15/04/2023 07:26

It’s a real eye opener
My STBX left me for Ow and it’s given me some understanding of what was going through their heads

Sunflowergirl1 · 15/04/2023 07:28

I haven't been the OW but I'm not surprised it happens when you see the number of threads in here if couples that don't have an active sex life and think the other person is ok with it...eventually a distraction tends to come along and they come alive again.

I appreciate this doesn't explain the rogues that just like to have sex with anyone!

MaryMagda · 15/04/2023 08:02

Do the OW find that their APs expect them to stay "faithful " whilst they are still with their wives?
Is it a problem if you do date outside the affair and do either of you take any steps in ensuring the wife is protected from disease/STIs from the multiple sexual partners in the chain?
Also, to those who ended up with the AP if they left their wives, do you believe they are faithful to you?
Last question, do your friends and family know you are an OW and has that impacted your friendships or other relationships?

letthatmango · 15/04/2023 08:41

I’d be interested in understanding why they have no problem with assisting the cheat in violating another person’s right to informed sexual consent? Can any of the current APs, who clearly aren’t awash with shame and regret, explain this?

MadeForFun · 15/04/2023 08:44

MaryMagda · 15/04/2023 08:02

Do the OW find that their APs expect them to stay "faithful " whilst they are still with their wives?
Is it a problem if you do date outside the affair and do either of you take any steps in ensuring the wife is protected from disease/STIs from the multiple sexual partners in the chain?
Also, to those who ended up with the AP if they left their wives, do you believe they are faithful to you?
Last question, do your friends and family know you are an OW and has that impacted your friendships or other relationships?

Do the OW find that their APs expect them to stay "faithful " whilst they are still with their wives?

It's not something we have discussed tbh. But then I'm only 6 months out of my long-term relationship and we were still cohabiting for 3 of those until the house was sold. He's never asked me if I'm back "on the market", but I did detect a hint of jealousy when he thought someone was flirting with me recently so it may well come up in future. I've never asked if he is still sleeping with his wife, I just assume he is.

do either of you take any steps in ensuring the wife is protected

I don't know if he uses protection with his wife. We don't use condoms.

do your friends and family know you are an OW and has that impacted your friendships or other relationships

No, none of my friends or family know about my arrangement with him. I've never felt the need to tell anyone, mainly because we used to work together.

strategichearts · 15/04/2023 08:46

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OneTimeOnlyNC · 15/04/2023 08:47

letthatmango · 15/04/2023 08:41

I’d be interested in understanding why they have no problem with assisting the cheat in violating another person’s right to informed sexual consent? Can any of the current APs, who clearly aren’t awash with shame and regret, explain this?

Honestly? I didn’t think about it in those terms. It was 30 years ago and “informed consent” was much less of a widely understood concept. I was in my early 20s and I fell in love with an unhappily-married man, who also fell in love with me, left his wife and we married a few years later. Would I do the same again? No. Am I proud of the hurt I caused his wife? No. Am I going to self-flagellate myself for over half my life because my long and happy marriage began out of an affair? Also no.

monsteramunch · 15/04/2023 08:49

@MadeForFun

I don't know if he uses protection with his wife. We don't use condoms.

A massive proportion of married couples (probably most) don't use condoms in a monogamous relationship, which his wife believes she is in.

I am staggered you're choosing not only to remove her informed consent about being in a monogamous relationship but also doing so unprotected. How physically violating to her.

And he could be sleeping with other people too. You know he's capable of shagging people the others don't know about. And you're choosing to risk your own sexual health despite this by actively choosing not to use condoms.

I can't see any possible sensible reason for this.

adriftabroad · 15/04/2023 08:49

The poor PP who thinks Disneyland Paris trip (I worked there, it is a shithole) is the be all and end all with the man paying for it "who had seperated from his DW and was on Tinder and they matched" and then he "got back with her for his DD".

No PP, he needs an AP like you, a vulnerable single mother 😓

I would never blame this type of OW as she is being used and decieved (exploited) and lied to, just like the wife.

MadeForFun · 15/04/2023 08:50

letthatmango · 15/04/2023 08:41

I’d be interested in understanding why they have no problem with assisting the cheat in violating another person’s right to informed sexual consent? Can any of the current APs, who clearly aren’t awash with shame and regret, explain this?

I got absolutely flamed for this on another thread but...

Basically it's because I see the wife as his responsibility.

She's his wife, he built a life with her, he made the vows to her. He knows the risk he's posing to her by sleeping with me. So, in my mind, he is the one violating her right to informed consent.

DuesExMachina · 15/04/2023 08:51

I've been the other woman, the cheater and the cheated on.

If your partner cheats, just walk away. I don't believe you can fix it. Just end up living a miserable, resentful lie.

All the drama about this is pointless. Just end it.

DuesExMachina · 15/04/2023 08:54

letthatmango · 15/04/2023 08:41

I’d be interested in understanding why they have no problem with assisting the cheat in violating another person’s right to informed sexual consent? Can any of the current APs, who clearly aren’t awash with shame and regret, explain this?

Not my problem. (Have been the OW)

I threw my ex out for cheating. Did I blame the people he slept with? Hell no! That's silly and taking the blame off my ex.

MadeForFun · 15/04/2023 08:54

monsteramunch · 15/04/2023 08:49

@MadeForFun

I don't know if he uses protection with his wife. We don't use condoms.

A massive proportion of married couples (probably most) don't use condoms in a monogamous relationship, which his wife believes she is in.

I am staggered you're choosing not only to remove her informed consent about being in a monogamous relationship but also doing so unprotected. How physically violating to her.

And he could be sleeping with other people too. You know he's capable of shagging people the others don't know about. And you're choosing to risk your own sexual health despite this by actively choosing not to use condoms.

I can't see any possible sensible reason for this.

I suppose the difference is, I'm aware that he is sleeping with at least one other person (his wife) and possibly more. So I can choose to get regular STD tests (and do). His wife doesn't have that knowledge and I can only hope he has the decency to get regular tests if he is sleeping around with other people.

monsteramunch · 15/04/2023 08:56

@MadeForFun

So, in my mind, he is the one violating her right to informed consent.

I agree his vows are his responsibility.

But you are actively facilitating him violating her right to informed consent.

If I was a bystander to someone violating violating their partner's rights, I would at minimum disengage from them and walk away. Not facilitate it let alone want to have sex with them.

If you knew he was stealing money from her hard earned savings (for example) to pay for some travel / hotels to meet you and have sex, would you still meet him and have sex? Knowing he was violating her trust in that way?

UndercoverCop · 15/04/2023 08:56

I read the OW unknowingly, met someone through work, he lived a couple of hours away but was down for work regularly, he stayed with me some weekends I even stayed with him. We spoke every day , text a lot. He told me he was single. When I found out he wasn't I was devastated, he tried to convince me the relationship was over but they were still living together until the tenancy ended, she had MH issues, her mum was ill and he was worried about her etc. I told him where to go. Anyone who could do easily lie to me and clearly to a live in partner could fuck off as far as I was concerned.
I didn't tell her initially I didn't know her, I also didn't want to cause upset if the mh stuff was in any way true. She reached out to me fishing, saying she knew we were friendly through work, he'd been behaving strangely did I know anything.
We spoke on the phone I apologised profusely, explained I didn't know etc sent her screen shots of me losing my shit and ending things when I found out about her. He'd tried to spin her a line about me being obsessed with him he'd tried to let me down gently etc, morning had actually happened blah blah.
She was reassured to speak to me know I hadn't deliberately had an affair with him and trusted that what I was saying was true.
She did get back with him a few months later. More fool her tbh , is they've done that once and for away with it they'll do it again.
I don't know why any woman would do this to any other woman with intent. You don't know her but where's your moral compass as a human being? Why would you deliberately get involved with someone who is married etc. The man in the relationship is 100% at fault, but if you know you are sleeping with someone who isn't single that's on you too.
When I was young I worked with someone who got some kind of validation out of attached men sleeping with her like she'd won something, I never understood that and even at 18 tried to explain to her they weren't choosing her, they were just using her and that wasn't anything to feel good about.

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