Was Any one on here the OW?

[Mindovermatter247]

I always see a woman go nuts at the other women when obviously it takes 2 to tango and the men are defo not blameless, in fact sometime the Ow is a victim too, especially if they had no idea about man’s real or other life.
live always wanted to h3ar the experiences of the other woman…
did you know he was married/in a relationship? If so why did you continue affair?
how many didn’t know bloke had another life?
we always hear the males point of view, Hardly the point of view of the other person..

Yeah, mine didn’t tell me he was already in a relationship. Though I found out he was, I broke it off but he pursued me and I was weak. No children, we were all very young and inexperienced. Not proud of myself nonetheless.

I was for 2 years it was more a long distance emotional affair we only met up twice.
I was single he was in a relationship with kids.
He said from the start he would never leave the kids but they didn't sleep together & had no spark
During that time I absolutely hated myself and I mean hated what I was doing I would call it off for weeks at a time but then my loneliness and how much I hated myself I would go back.
The guilt I felt far out weighed anything I was getting out of it yet I continued.
He didn't give a shit & had no guilt.
I finally got out of it & a few months later met someone who gave me a real relationship.
Then after 2 years he cheated on me & Left me for her. The pain has been nothing like I have ever felt & i honestly now know you don't know the pain you cause until you feel it yourself
Other man has since married the women he didn't have a spark with and was only staying for the kids ..
The thing I regret most is I have 3 kids & I had wasted those years talking to him when I should have been talking to them
Cheating & lying will forever be my biggest regret & I am single again karma got me bad but at least I l learned a lesson

All of this. This was very much my experience too.
I really hope all the OW on this thread read this. THIS is what you’re doing to other people. It’s disgusting.

Wow

Yes. He was from another town. Told me he was recently separated . I fell hook line and sinker for him . Introduced him to my friends etc. A few months in he dropped a bombshell. His ‘ex’ was pregnant. It was HIS! I done a bit of digging found her Facebook. He told her about me and she contacted me . I told her everything . She was devastated. Said the baby had been planned. He told me she was ‘playin me’ that yes she was pregnant but they wernt together. I cut contact . Few months later he contacted me asked to meet to talk. I was a silly little girl and went . Had the best day, I was deeply in love with him. He told me he wanted to be with me. So we were then an item. A fucked up one at that I was always suspicious of him. Obsessed with looking for things on fb to catch him out . Then his ex gave birth. I sat on my bathroom floor crying all day. We didn’t speak for a while then he came back as if nothing had happened and we continued on. He had his time with his baby but was with me at nights. It turned into a toxic nightmare and so I cut contact again. And you guessed it few weeks later he was ‘back’ with the ex . He contacted me a few times after this and reeled me back in . I was an idiot. It was a merry go round . It became nearly like a competition between me and his ‘ex’ . He had the best of both worlds. I got fed up . The penny dropped eventually . My parents and friends didn’t want anything to do with him . I was able to cut the cord for good. His ex put up with years more of his bullshit. Was physically sexually and emotionally abused . Im happy to say she finally got the strength to leave him and we are now actually really good friends ! I love her!

I have lots of trauma from my childhood and a sufferer of low self-esteem. I was unable to recognise red flags and ended up in a really awful marriage in my 20's until 5 years ago. My exH was abusive and cheated relentlessly.

I have not had any other relationships at all since and don't feel ready to so am not looking. Have just wanted to focus on my 2 DC.

At work, my boss is an attractive MM. Everyone fancies him. He's very clever and has a flirty yet shy energy. Makes eyes at me regularly and can be charming and in-jokey. It can feel quite overwhelming and intense at times, especially because of the power imbalance and I have ended up having a lot of limerence around it. Caring what he thinks about me, stressing over how I come across to him.......that kind of thing. It has felt derailing of my healing journey.

I've been in therapy for a long time and I've talked a lot about it. I see it for what it is - my vulnerability and a bored MM looking for an ego boost and nothing more. It's not just me he's doing this with and it is not me being 'seen' and 'loved' and I've actually grown to be quite irritated with it now rather than flattered. How dare he. Really irks me when colleagues describe him as swoonsome.

I'm looking for another job, not just because of that, for other sensible reasons as well, but I can't wait to leave this environment as it's not good for me. I have dignity and self-respect.

And to all the women my exH shagged? Well, I know they would have been charmed and used like I was - any one of them would have been welcome to him. Karma!

When my ex cheated on me years ago, we met up a few weeks later to exchange personal stuff we each had of each others, I asked him why? That’s the one question out of the 100 I asked him he couldn’t answer fully, he just said there was no definitive reason…I asked him was she better in bed than me, was she prettier, was she funnier, he said actually no she wasn’t, and that I was most defo better in bed, he’d only slept with her that one time at the hotel, the only time and he got caught, I confirmed all of this with her at a later date. (We sort of became pals, more of a taking the piss out of him relationship) I had no closure and that was actually worse than him doing the deed, no knowing why is horrible. So he admitted that he probably would have slept with us both had he not caught, that’s another thing that scares me, sleeping with others, was he protected? Was he sleeping with othersbefore that? Have I got a std?wouldn’t tell me why, just because.
best bit was, we had booked a holiday to centreparcs together, he’d logged on, changed my name to a completely new girl, wouldn’t pay me the money I’d paid for my half, his grandma called me a few days after, ( we were very close) to pay me my money because she said it wasn’t fair that her grandson was a dick to me. ( her words not mine) she then told me that his holiday got cut short because the girl he took, broke her ankle on a water slide. I know it’s not her fault and the poor cow had no idea but I did have a little giggle thinking that it was karma..

I was the OW, though it was an emotional affair rather than physical. He left her, we've been together 14 years, married for 8 and very happy

I asked him was she better in bed than me, was she prettier, was she funnier,

I think often there's simply no reason. It's certainly not because the married person is looking for someone better/funnier/prettier. Often the only reason is either because they can, or simply greed. They have an opportunity and take it.

I don't compare myself to his wife - she's beautiful inside and out, and I know he loves her, however hard it might be for some on this thread to understand that. I don't offer him anything particularly unique... we met, we clicked, we had the same sexual energy and recognised we were both wanting the same thing. A connection, sexual gratification and no long term complications.

I don't take it lightly, I of course know that if his wife, and my husband, found out, it would be devastating for them. My AP & I don't gloss over that in any way.

its a horrible thing to do. I know of 2 people who have been the cheated partner and committed suicide. One was the wife of a dentist- that story made the daily mail and the other was and old chap who’s sons wife ran off with another woman. He killed himself. If you engage in an affair knowingly you must be a really horrible person as this is what can and does happen. Until you’ve had to deal with this you just don’t understand the pain. Even if you think it doesn’t hurt them as they don’t know. They are questioning and doubting themselves no doubt. And for what!!! All you have to do is be honest and have an open relationship or leave. In my opinion Knowing AP are scum

@TableFor5 he doesn't love her. He no doubt loves what she does for him, what she brings to his life and how she makes him feel. But he doesn't love her. If he did he wouldn't be risking blowing her life to shit because he had 'matched sexual energy' with you.

Your right most affairs are born out of greed and selfishness. Because people can. Im not sure why people who engage in them then are surprised people have such adverse reactions to them and don't really buy the life isn't simple and it's full of grey as an excuse.

I don't take it lightly, I of course know that if his wife, and my husband, found out, it would be devastating for them. My AP & I don't gloss over that in any way.

I think that everyone makes active choices on this front.

I personally couldn't have sex with someone knowing that if it was found out, someone else (in your case someone you say is lovely) would be devastated.

It's your prerogative to make a different choice but I think when people say they couldn't do it, they are often shouted down with 'it's not black and white' etc when the crux of it comes down to a decision based on whether you choose to risk someone else getting very hurt and whether you feel any moral responsibility to not be part of it.

I have to say I find it especially hard to understand when people are willing to risk devastating another person when it's for a purely sexual physical connection and not even due to deep feelings for one another.

I think there's a tendency for people having affairs to kneejerk react to people who say they couldn't do it and tell them life isn't simple etc, but some people really genuinely couldn't do it.

I couldn't agree more with this. Precisely the same happened to me.

People are complex.

Yes, he really does love his wife. They have a long, shared history together. What he doesn't have with her is a matched sex drive. He chooses to chase that elsewhere instead of leaving the marriage. There's a huge risk, yes, and that's not taken lightly. But there is no questioning the love he has for his wife. (And to add... I don't hold him up to be this great, noble hero. I can see him for what he is, flaws & all)

My situation with my husband is different. I'm unable to leave, yet, for very valid reasons I won't go into here. But my husband's world would not shatter if he were to find out.

@TableFor5 honestly when I hear the sentence "people are complex" my instant reaction in my head is "fuck off"

It is such an absolute cop out. He is choosing, he he he. See the problem in that statement? He wants to get his rocks of with you, he is free to so.

His selfishness in keeping his wife in the dark is him choosing to keep her and all the good she brings to his life while taking away HER choice of deciding if she wants to share her life, her home, her future with someone who lies to her face day in day out for his own selfishness. That isn't love.

I would feel grubby and depleted if I was in an unhappy marriage and couldn't stop shagging a weak MM on the side. It's junkie-like.

I would take a good long look at myself and wonder what the hell am I doing, I'd get some therapy and sort my life out. Before I let my pain destroy others.

I hope you pawned that ring and treated yourself to something nice!!

I don’t believe in affairs if it’s known but in your case you got completed blindsided! Absolute arsehole my heart goes out to you and his wife

@TableFor5

But there is no questioning the love he has for his wife.

With all due respect, whatever your personal beliefs there absolutely is some 'questioning the love he has for his wife' if he's shagging someone without her knowledge.

Some pretty valid questioning at that.

I was in the awkward position of knowing an OW and the wife of a man having an affair, unbeknownst to either of them. I saw/ heard it from both sides. The husband and OW met when he did some DIY for her. OW mature, pension age, single. MM/wife younger together 25yrs, always a happy, affectionate couple, lovely family, heavily invested in building new business together.

Husband came onto OW according to her and an affair ensued. Listening to her talk, she had absolutely no morals about breaking up a family but a sense of entitlement that beggared belief, even down to planning their new future together.

The wife discovered the affair, he promised to end it and they reconciled ( tried to caution against) as in reality he continued seeing OW (according to her). Portrayed herself as some heroine in a Shakespearean love tragedy as the pesky wife wouldn't give him up! Wife was being gaslighted by husband that affair was over, OW was merely bitter he'd ended it. OW then harassed wife, sending shameful messages detailing their sex sessions, criticising wife, her looks and personality. The poor wife had dramatic weight and hair loss due to the emotional abuse as didn't know what to believe. On the onehand she had a husband showering her with affection, begging forgiveness and pleading for her to continue their long marriage yet was being mentally attacked by OW claiming allsorts. This eventually led to a breakdown and weeks off work.

Any advice to OW was met with scorn, any advice to wife was dismissed. Husband played victim to both women. It was pathetic. This went on for about a year then the affair just died a death. The couple had counselling, she took him back and they now appear happier than ever. She now claims he is now a transformed, totally committed husband who's his mid life crisis is over. 🙄 They plan to renew their wedding vows shortly. OW has gone back to single life.

My thoughts are affairs cause untold hurt and drama and always come to an end. Usually the MM remains in the marriage. Much of what is said between a husband and OW is limerence for sake of sex. There will always be a loser, particularly if children are involved. It is morally wrong and decent people with any self esteem don't get involved with married others. No, life isn't complicated, individuals make it complicated due to the need for attention, power and perceived happiness. Affairs suck the life out of people for what? A bit of sex that comes disguised as love? Truly pathetic and anyone claiming otherwise is lying to themselves.

I was involved with a married guy for a couple of years, he’s very smart, a CEO, very handsome and so much fun to be around. He’s also a narcissist. He stated his marriage was good but I have some serious doubts about that. I always knew I wanted nothing serious with this man, he was fun to shag but defo not “relationship material”. I knew I was one of his many OW and that was fine by me, I had other men too. After two years I lost attraction for him and I broke up. He still tries to hoover me every now and then when he lacks narcissist supply. I wish him good but I’ll never shag a married man again because nothing good comes out of it. I always felt a bit sorry for the wife for putting up with him.

I was unknowingly the other woman, it’s the most heartbreaking, painful betrayal I’ve ever been through and I am still suffering with the after trauma and having to keep some kind of communication open with him as we have a young child.

I was 25, he was 40 he was extremely charming, manipulative, educated with a high flying career. I’d just come out of a very painful divorce and he love bombed the hell out of me, the relationship moved very quickly quickly and I moved in. We were together about 2 years, he had a son living across the country so would go and see him most weekends ( a lie) and I’d respect their space together and stay home. Due to his job, he has to move around every few years for training and as I was packing up I noticed a pile of parcels hidden addressed from a woman, the same name I’d seen flash on his phone screen occasionally at the start of our relationship that he’d never answer and reassured me was a colleague. He again, gaslit and denied everything and threw the parcels away. I decided to give him a chance but my gut was screaming at me. I fell pregnant not long after, he told me he was going to visit his home country and told me he didn’t want the baby. I moved back home with my family devastated.

To cut a long story short, I found he’d been tagged in some photos congratulating him on his engagement, it turned out to be the woman who had sent the parcels and he has been seeing all along. I contacted her to warn her whilst telling her he has a newborn baby he’d ran away from, she ignored me and went through with the wedding a few months later. After a year, he began messaging me asking for contact but then the messages started turning sexual and suggestive which made me feel sick. They are still married and I wonder if she knows what he’s like but they seem happy. It’s really devastating as he seems to have had no consequences for what he’s done.

I an ex wife of a narcissist who was continually shagging throughout our marriage.

Nice of you to say at the end you felt a bit sorry for his wife.

I can assure you that narcissists abuse and destroy their significant others in many many more ways than simply falling on the nearest slapper with open legs. He would have been thinking about his wife the whole time he was shagging you - knowing he was inflicting more pain on her would have been what made him cum. Not you.

My ex was sleeping with prostitutes. I felt sorry for them.

I believe you’re projecting yourself in this post, sorry you end up marrying such a psycho , I hope you’ve healed from the experience. I believe narcissists don’t fit one mold, your ex sounds like a malign narc type, mine was not, he was just not the monogamous type, he does love his wife though, but he also likes to sleep around.

@Sandra1984

he was just not the monogamous type, he does love his wife though, but he also likes to sleep around.

Then he absolutely doesn't respect her. And I find it hard to understand how someone can claim to love a person if they don't respect them. Each to their own I suppose. It's not a version of love I recognise.