I had no idea I was the OW

[SpaceBunInstaHun]

And it still fucking haunts me.

I 100% should have known, I shouldn't have believed bullshit excuse after bullshit lie.
But I did.
Young, naive, lonely. Fucking idiot.
2 years I wasted until my friend took a job working with his wife, in a different city. I ended it immediately.

He was at my house 4 times a week, we discussed marriage, starting a family, putting him on my mortgage.

Anyway, he's still with his partner. And my BFF found him on bumble and tinder a few months ago.

I still feel sick thinking about his DP.
I suspect on some level she may be aware and just allowing him his freedom with other women, she's a doctor and by all accounts a very intelligent and good person. I hope one day she gets confidence to leave his cocklodger arse.
She provided for him, I was a plaything.
The bastard.

I should have known, he was a natural liar and I'm not an idiot, I think I just couldn't believe he'd be able to stay over/text 24/7 make calls to me etc, whilst living with a partner. He was always available.

I was told to contact her, but I never, nor would I, I was too ashamed and embarrassed. She may have felt I was being a spiteful bitch trying to ruin her life.
Instead, I just wish good things for her and will regret being a gullible idiot for the rest of my days.

I know that I'll get flamed for this, I will say I was a very young, inexperienced single mother in my very early 20s when this happened.

I was completely besotted, absolutely smitten, but I still ended it when I was told, even now though, I can't express how stupid I feel.

Just to say, sometimes the OW isn't some sinister creature, they're just sadly, deluded.

I would say it's virtually impossible not to know you are the ow for two years.

Possible for a wife to not know about an ow but no, not the other way arround.

The OW is always lied to. Always deluded.

In your case it was extreme, but you're not the only OW who didn't know your partner was married/engaged/has a GF/having sex with other people etc etc.

Easy to judge and say you must have known, but clearly you did not.

2 YEARS.

No, not possible.

It is possible to not know or to put it down to something else, these people get a kick out of it. If the wife was turning a blind eye it gets easier still. Not me but a close friend was with a guy for years who had a total double life. We all met him, he came away on holiday. With 20/20 hindsight there were things that didnt add up but he was charming and had excuses.

Im sorry you went through that OP. Youre right, things arent always black and white and you did the right thing the moment you knew, thats all anyone can ask.

If the wife is a doctor, maybe she knows but doesn't care because she needs him to stay home and babysit the kids.

The scariest thing is that you were considering putting him on the mortgage though. Could you imagine!

Those saying I didn't know, I truly didn't.
I should have, but I didn't.
I can understand why you don't believe me, it almost seemed like one of those things that happens to other people, if that makes sense? It still seems surreal.

I knew he lied, but he always had an explanation as to why he was lying.
Usually my fault tbh.

I was very young and inexperienced with relationships, he was the complete opposite.

They had no children together.

The thing is, I absolutely should have known. I wasn't stupid, just utterly naive.

He made me question everything I did, he made me feel like I was insane for any doubt he caused.
He gave me a fake surname so i couldn't ever find him on socials etc

I knew his DP existed, he mentioned her often, but told me they were friends.

There was other things too, so money.
I was a single parent with a lousy job, paid a pittance, yet I paid for everything.
He never once got me a card or gift, or treated me to a meal until we'd been "exclusive" for about 18 months.

I don't know why I posted this, but I'm hoping one day I wake up and feel less angry with myself.

Worse than anything, I let him into my child's life, that's what always crushes me, not that he can remember him, but it's not the point.

What is the logic of it being possible for a wife to know but not an OW?

Surely if the wife lives with and has a longer relationship with him then she'd be more likely to notice it than the OW.

I wouldn't beat yourself up, OP. I think you've done enough of that yourself. Men are convincing and charming when they need to be. You did the right thing.

Some harsh responses on here, but I can absolutely believe you didn’t know op. We see what we want to see, all of us, in all kinds of situations. We ignore red flags, we make what are in hindsight, bloody awful decisions. God knows I have!!! But, those 2 years haven’t been wasted. You will learn from it, have more boundaries, know what to look for. I wish you well xxx

"Believe women"

I'm so sorry OP. What a shocked state you must be in. Sadly this sort of man can be very believable at not only getting under your skin but conning countless unsuspecting women.

You sound like a decent person who will learn from this and move on to a healthier, happy relationship one day.

Definitely possible. I had 18 months - I was the unwitting OW (x2 - he was in two 'committed' relationships already) when it started, then he started multiple new 'relationships' while we were together. I had suspicions a few times but thought I was just being paranoid.

OP, I'm not stupid and I was much older than you with a fair bit of relationship experience when this happened. He was a very skilled liar, and I didn't even realise he was gaslighting me for a very long time. Don't beat yourself up over this; some people are very convincing, great at covering their tracks and comfortable with telling outrageous lies (which in my experience confused the issue - thinking "surely nobody would tell a lie like that or go to that much effort to deceive me, I must be imagining things"). None of this is in any way a reflection on you.

I was readin about a guy in the States who had two families with children and two different identities for 15 years. Until the eldest daughter found out. The wives were devastated. I believe there was only 6 months difference between the two marriages. You did the correct thing when you found out. You are wiser now.

I was unknowingly the OW for over a year too!! He told me he'd left his wife but hadn't. Well he had but kept going back because she stopped him seeing his children.
It really is possible - I'm not stupid at all - successful and independent but I never saw it coming at all

He stayed over regularly. Was contactable 24/7.
It is very likely op wouldn't know

10 months for me and I didn't have a clue
He messaged every day, stayed over etc

Of course it's possible.

I know someone who was his whole other family.

Neither the wife nor the girlfriend knew for many many years. He was able to hide it due to the line is work he is in.

Some people are so rude. Of course it's possible. I'd have told her OP, she may have been looking for just the reason to get rid of him.

I would say it's virtually impossible not to know you are the ow for two years.

Not really. Many many years ago I dated a guy and stayed in his family home and babysat his young child on numerous occasions, all while his wife lived with them. He told me they were bird nesting, so during their custody time they stayed in the family home then moved out (her to a works apartment and him to his mothers) when the other parent had their time. We had children the same age and he had told the child and wife I was the babysitter for when he had to go out. I regularly took his child to parties and days out with my child. The wife worked away and he stayed home with the children and WFH part time. They had separate bedrooms, which proved the not together point to me. I also met his sister (although already knew her from when we were younger). He had apparently told his family he was separated from his ex and played the heroic dad, taking care of DF while his wife worked away. Later found out he had told the wife he "needed space" to think things through after the death of his father and so they had separate rooms. She assumed they were together but working through things. She stayed with him after she found out (about another OW he was seeing, not me).

So gullible, yes. Virtually impossible, no.

Your basing that conclusion on what, exactly? A need to fully vilify the OW?

I can totally believe he lied to you and his wife. Friend was taken in in a similar situation and it went on for several years. You name it, he could lie about it.

His job was possibly how he lied to her also, he was a contractor that worked all over the country. He'd often invite me to stay with him if he was in a hotel for a few weeks, working somewhere quite nice, although I had my own work & childcare was an issue, so it wasn't likely I'd be saying yes often if at all.
I think had he worked in the local shops or something more 9-5, it would have been more difficult for him to get away with it.

I'm so sorry for your stories about how some of you were also deceived.
Some people just have no conscience, it's on them.

I think I didn't reach out to his wife partly because he scared me, not to drip feed but he was quite threatening, once he threatened to acid attack me so I'd never have male attention again. Even said in "jest", those things are scary to hear.

He was physically violent towards me a few times, then made me believe I couldn't take a joke or playfight etc.
I didn't realise how abusive he was until I was out of it, I just thought it was jokey and bantery and I was being sensitive.
I wasn't.

I have gone on to get married to a wonderful man and have more children, he was so kind and patient waiting for me to heal and trust again.
I worry sometimes that because I was (unwittingly) the OW, I don't deserve happiness. I know logically that's bullshit and I was in a horrid backwards relationship riddled with abuse that left me traumatised, however, the guilt that I was sleeping with a married man still knocks me sick.

Did you know where he lived ?

how often did you stay at his home, for 2 years were your possesions at his home as would be the case when people are in exclusive relationships.
Single people who have their own homes share and dip in and out of each others lives and homes.