Pregnant & being called fat

[Bubblemachiene]

By partner in an argument, also infront of our dc. How would you handle this.

What would you advise your daughter if she was grown up and her partner was speaking to her the way your partner speaks to you?

Would you tell her to put up with it?

Your children shouldn't be witnessing stuff like this and you don't deserve to be treated this way

Your mum is telling you to fix a problem you didn't cause.

You can't give this man a personality transplant.

Ignore your mum. She's wrong.

A lot of parents opt for the "secure', traditional, conventional, "respectable" looking setup for their kids when push comes to shove.

That's because they a. Might get inconvenience from their dd being a single Mum and b. worry about their DDS financial etc security. C. They probably want to say to their family & friends that their DD is in a partnership & a conventional family, rather than a single parent. Because theres still a stigma/lower status etc with single Mums.

They put all these above respect and true happiness within the partnership however. That's partly because peoples standards have always been so low. They dont think a woman should end a relationship with any man, but most especially the father of their kids, unless there's cheating (sometimes even not that) or beating (and sometimes not even that).

I hear older women say they have/have had a good marriage... And I'm like wtaf - from what I know of your marriage, it's shit. Your standards are just so low.

I think your Mumd standards are low; myuns would be similar.

Sometimes they also lack the intellect (!) and knowledge to understand and process repeated, value based emotional/verbal abuse etc like this.

They would fail to see the value issue behind it - it would all just be dismissed as natural/common couples rubbing each other up the wrong way or even blamed on the woman (or clichés,

... enabling cliches about male psyche & behaviour being used to dismiss it/excuse it.

Most ppl, esp the older generations are still very ignorant about different forms of abuse and why they happen.

They will inevitably trot out every excuse and minimise it. You could only really rely on people working on/educated in the field to respond appropriately.... And even sometimes they do not see through it.

This.

I wouldn't think about what your (lacking) mother would want for you.

I'd think about what you'd want for your dd in this situation.

This and this

I try to avoid talking about my parents here on MN, first because they are both dead and second because I love them regardless of the past and would not be able to survive people bashing them but here is a glimpse. The things is, that generation of women had it really hard. They were bred to be wives and mothers and to treat a marriage as the highest achievement in their life and to protect it at all cost. While I know my mom loved me and wanted what was best for me, I know she expected me to do the same. As for her, she suffered her whole life. As a wife she was bullied, undermined, verbally, emotionally, physically and sexually abused. Still after all this, she would say she had a good marriage and my father was a good husband. Once my father got sick and was in a hospital for a long time, mom visited him daily. One of the people who shared the room with my dad told him how wonderful it was to see two people love each other so much, how he envies them on their amazing marriage. My parents told me this story, all proud. I looked back and forth from my mom to my dad not knowing if they were joking or they honestly believed this to be truth. They did.

So, OP, your mom probably loves you very much but she thinks that your best chance in life is to get married no matter what. Do not listen to her. I know it may be hard, but a women can survive without a man in her life. A man does not define you and your worth. I would not stay with a person who calls me names and is abusive and I do not think anyone should.

Little update- I've done nothing but think & have felt quite depressed all weekend.
He is saying he wants me to be happy and all be a happy family. He will go to therapy ( I doubt he will) he wants me to look into it for him as he's no idea how to go about it.
He thinks we should go together. He will learn to bite his tongue and not lash out when he is triggered by me, especially after a hard day in his stressful job. He wants to be able to come home and de stress as his job is intense at the min.
I need to stop pressuring him into doing things such as DIY when he wants to be able to chill on the weekend.

He wants to go to therapy but he can’t even be bothered to type it into google. Not really good enough is it? Are you considering staying with someone who has so little respect for you?

I agree, I'm sure he could find something he was interested in buying/doing online himself ... But somehow he can't find a therapist or ask via the gp?

I think you're right that someone with this attitude won't go if he can get away with it.

A man I was in a relationship with - also very verbally abusive incidentally - went to smoking cessation only because I searched for it and registered him for it; he was still smoking by the time I ended the relationship.

He thinks we should go together.

Why?

Are you calling him a fat bastard repeatedly during standard, relationship disagreements?

Did he end things with you before already due to you verbally abusing him?

He's trying to make out it's a joint two way problem. But it really doesn't sound like that.

You're "triggering" him - again it's pushing responsibility onto you for his inability to control his temper, and decision to start being verbally abusive.

He's blaming his stressful job too now .... excuses excuses.

Poor him - does he call his boss and work colleagues fat bitches/bastards when they annoy him or disagree with him?

Or is he saying he saves it all for his nearest and dearest because he represses his desire to call his boss/colleagues/customers nasty, abusive names and personal insults?

Lundy Bancroft refers to the "boiler pressure cooker" myth/excuse about male behaviour to cover their abuse. It's BS.

It would be useful to read his book if you haven't. It's primarily about physical abuse but applies to everything else as well.

It always comes down to values ..... He's shown you those values of you tune into what yes really saying;

"You undermined my masculinity questioning/criticising me in front of the kids!"

Then he feels he is free to use the nastiest personal, physical insults (in spite of them being utterly utterly ridiculous because you are pregnant with his child) when you're challenging him/disagreeing with him. And he's gone for the ones he thinks will hurt/degrade a woman the most (because a certain type of man thinks we're all desperately trying to stay slim to be valid & attractive to them and the worst thing they could throw at us is we're fat - and I say that as a skinny person).

It's his underlying values

But he's certainly throwing every red herring, excuse, and distraction at it now he realises you might be serious about leaving his l nasty ass in the dust.

In all seriousness op, I don't think he's going to change.

You left him before (?) because of this; he hasn't changed.

He felt free to go back to that behaviour be wise you're pregnant by him and finally moved in together. He thought you were going nowhere.

I think you'll be back in this situation in a while again ... And again.

I'm going to order that book I've heared it mentioned a few times. @AprilFool23

He says he has changed and realised etc... and all couples argue. And we've not argues since Christmas it's just a little thing that I'm blowing out of proportion and over reacting to. I know he should be sorting the therapy thing out himself but u can't really see him going.

It's difficult OP. I can imagine how very much you want to believe him. All I can say is that in 20 years my DH has never spoken to me like that. Yes we get pissed off with each other and snap sometimes but to repeatedly call you a fat bitch is just so nasty.
My ex used to say very cruel and personal things about my appearance, to hurt me. I remember he'd always watch my face closely after such insults to see my reaction. I'd always try and look completely unbothered but inside I was so upset. Looking back I have no idea why I stayed with him so long. I just forgave him, always made excuses for him because I'm a nice person. He was not!

It is a baby in your tummy, not fat. How awful and idiotic of him op; is he 12? Honestly he needs to grow up before his baby arrives!

Did be talk to you this way before you were pregnant op?

He has done in the past and we separated but he apparently had changed, begged for forgiveness and was so sorry. Its been fine for months. We came back just before Christmas and been fine until this. @OhFFSthisAgain

Clearly he wasn't sorry.

Leave the fu**ing bastard NOW!!! This will only get worse.

It is not a little thing in the slightest. He has shown you exactly who he is and what he is capable of. On so many levels. In front of your daughter on top of it? He is not worth another minute of your life. Yes couples argue. But this was abuse.

He's not abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive.

Agree with the 'you made me lose my temper' being standard bs abuser narrative.

He's trying to make this a 'we' issue that 'we' (aka, you) have to fix. Fuck that.

Tbh reading your last reply op, even if I didn't know how these things go, I thought 'wtf would you be arsed doing that?'.

Partners are supposed to make us feel happy and loved and stronger with them and comforted. That's their purpose. If they don't do that then what purpose do they serve?

This guy does the complete opposite!

Be single. Teach your daughter its right to be single unless there's someone who really, really makes them happy.

Why waste your life on some shithead who isn't even interested in making himself a better person? Expects you to do it for him!

It's like...to sound like a hippy for a minute, such a low vibrational energy. Like he might as well be pond scum. He has no care for compassion or how his behaviour affects others. That's not someone you want in your proximity. Anywhere near. It's poison. And it will poison your life.

You cannot lift these people into the light. But they can drag you into the darkness.

Cut him loose.

If he hasnt changed since you separated before, now with a pregnancy and moving in together; how is he going to change now and stay changed.

Its oy been one time ... Til the next time.

He hasn't shown up any real remorse ... He's minimising it, sort of blaming you, blaming work, and making out it's normal. And even you don't believe he's going to follow through on counselling. He's trying to get you to go to the counselling too FFS. That's another indication that he doesn't see it as a problem with him! Or that he'll ever take responsibility.

All couples argue ... They definitely do, but do all couples say "shut up, you fat bitch/bastard" repeated in front of kids?

*repeatedly

And this behaviour has already caused you to separate at least once.

The stairs couldn't be higher. You're living together, you already have a child together whom you'd presumably both prefer to grow up in a nuclear family, you've a other child on the way .... They couldn't be higher; yet he still won't stop this behaviour when he's been challenged. He either thinks you'll take it (very likely) or he doesn't care about the loss of your relationship and the fact your kids will be in a separated coparenting situation. Neither of those are good.