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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant & being called fat

180 replies

Bubblemachiene · 13/04/2023 09:04

By partner in an argument, also infront of our dc. How would you handle this.

OP posts:
AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 11:36

On a general note, I find men who also go for the default "I'll hurt/get at/score points on a woman about her looks & weight" are a certain type.

That type is not a nice type.

(And I say that as a skinny minny).

It's of course an utter joke that he went for that too, given you're fkg pregnant!

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 11:38

His willingness to drop to nasty personal looks based - totally irrelevant even if true, which they're not - insults when challenged or annoyed is a bad sign re his (healthy) relationship suitability.

His willingness to do that in front of your child is way worse.

Original poster
Bubblemachiene · 16/04/2023 12:18

He says I was the abusive one saying that infront of kids.

OP posts:
5128gap · 16/04/2023 12:24

Bubblemachiene · 16/04/2023 12:18

He says I was the abusive one saying that infront of kids.

Well, you weren't. You were being critical of actions he took that you believed were not the best. Unless you did this by calling him names, suggesting he was useless and generally belittling him, then it would have been a fairly commonplace type of interaction between a married couple. In a normal relationship the person criticised would either have justified their decision or acknowledged you were right, not started flinging verbal abuse at you. Please don't let him convince you that you 'made him do it' its a lie as old as time.

Pinkbonbon · 16/04/2023 12:24

Sounds like he's not really saying 'i'll apologise because I recognise what I said was horrible and I can't belive I treated you that way. I'll never do that again'. He's saying 'but I only did it because you did xyz so YOU need to apologise because you are bad too and you made me do it'.

It's not an appology.

It's just standard narcissist speak.

'I didn't do it. You didn't see/hear that. And if you did, you misunderstood. And if you didn't misunderstand, you just overreacted. And if I did do it, i had good reasons that you aren't allowed to question because that's disloyal/untrusting of you. Infact, you made me do it. And I'm not sorry - because you did xyz 5 years ago. You hurt me. I'm the victim'.

Darvo - Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
They shirk responsibility and gaslight you as much as possible and if you're not buying that, they change tactics and make out you are the bad guy or 'equally responsible'. Even though its ridiculous. You weren't the one being abusive.

Don't accept fault 'for a quiet life'. Because you'll never find peace with this bully.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/04/2023 13:14

Bubblemachiene · 16/04/2023 12:18

He says I was the abusive one saying that infront of kids.

He's full of shit, & DARVO'ing you -
https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Poor little man can't hear that he could have done a better job without feeling that his "masculinity" is being insulted. He is so in the wrong here OP. It must be very frustrating & wearing to live with. Flowers

DARVO: Understanding a gaslighting strategy of reversing blame

Deny Attack Reverse Victim Offender   Most of us don’t enter relationships thinking about gaslighting or about emotional abuse strategies. Instead, we often enter relationships with hope for what a new relationship can bring. Partners of sex addicts ar...

https://www.banyantherapy.com/darvo

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 14:14

He sold my old household item to someone but was bargained down. I told him he Shouldn't have but he said it was my fault for not stating no offers on the ad.
I wouldn't have even minded too much but the way he came in having a go saying that's my fault I shouldn't have sent him, set the argument off. I only asked him to go as I had a flat tyre.

So let me get this right.

He didn't even come back, say I sold it for whatever/they bargained me down; and you then criticised that?

Not that him calling you a fat bitch repeatedly in a resulting argument would be ok if you did ... Bug it sounds like you didn't even do that. He came in and said he's been bargained down, and said you should have said no offers and also shouldn't have sent him...even though you're pregnant and have a flat tyre on your car.

So he got bargained down/accepted a lower offer but then came back annoyed about it and started blaming you.

So, he can't accept any responsibility for his own actions and decisions, he can "stand up for himself" very well around his partner (actually he's verbally abusive) but can't stand his ground or be tough with strangers (!) He made a decision he was frustrated with/disappointed with (maybe not to come back again with the item) but it was his decision and not your fault. Anyway ppl will still offer even when you say no offers.

No matter what happened he had absolutely no right to vet ally abuse you with nasty personal insults (ridiculous ones at that given you're pregnant), in front of your child too.

That's the part that makes him abusive.

You haven't acted abusively that I can see.

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 14:18

If you had gone to sell the item, came back saying you were bargained down, he'd said "you shouldn't have accepted that for it" ... Would you be responding, "you fat bastard, fat bastard!!" (and in front of your kids) .... I don't think so.

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 14:20

As someone said you'd give your reasons (they always try to bargain you down, we needed rid of it), I didn't want to bring it back, we didn't put "no offers" (though they'd still have bargained, "well, I won't be selling your stuff again, flat tyre or not" etc.

You don't start calling someone (a pregnant someone at that) a bitch/bastard and fat.

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 14:29

Bubblemachiene · 16/04/2023 12:18

He says I was the abusive one saying that infront of kids.

So you're not allowed to criticise anything he does in front of the kids or you're being abusive?

Not exactly reasonable or workable.

Sounds like he wants a surrendered wife.

Sounds like walking on egg shells.

And what do the kids learn from noone ever disagreeing and resolving it?

He has some ego, that's for sure.

He's also nasty.

Calling a pregnant woman he's impregnated fat ...... Fk

Lapland123 · 16/04/2023 14:31

I experienced this. I handled it by getting divorced ( it was a just an example of lots of verbal abuse being dished out)

CleaningOutMyCloset · 16/04/2023 14:45

Pregnant it not, if my dp or dh said that to me I'd be terminating the relationship.

Original poster
Bubblemachiene · 16/04/2023 20:18

Thanks all
Will read those links tomorrow when get chance in private. That made me lol @AprilFool23
Apparently I'm overreacting I should move on now. Q

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubblemachiene · 16/04/2023 20:19

Good for you @Lapland123 did it work out better for you ?

OP posts:
AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 20:38

You're not overreacting.

Calling a woman you've impregnated a fat bitch in front of her kid/s because she dared to criticise you for selling something too cheap is not ok. As I said, in reverse circumstances would he be ok with you calling him a fat bastard repeatedly (and he wouldn't even be pregnant). Likewise I bet if anybody the "sharp mouth" things he says were reversed, he would not be taking them.

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 20:39

*any of the

Fairislefandango · 16/04/2023 22:17

Yes, classic DARVO.
He says that you disagreeing with him or questioning something he's done is abusive? Well it's not. He just doesn't think you're worthy of questioning him. He doesn't like it, because he's arrogant. What is abusive is calling someone a fat bitch. And doing that in front of your child is the behaviour of a total scumbag.

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 22:37

People's threads/situations always rattle around in my head and it's occurred to be firing that; presuming he took a mobile phone with him, why didn't he just give you a ring to see what you thought before agreeing to sell; it would take a few seconds.

He could equally have used it as an excuse not to accept their offer immediately or at all "I'm selling this for my partner; let me just check if she's on with that price first".

Or would that also be undermining his masculinity 🙄

It's notable that he sees questioning/mildly criticising him at all (?) but esp in front of your children as undermining his masculinity.

So masculinity to him is never being questioned or criticised, always being right, always being "respected" (?)

You have a values issue here. His attitude to gender roles/masculinity, alongside him seeking entitled to throw personal, derogatory, looks based I suits if he's pissed off/if you're arguing.

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 22:37

*occurred to me from doing that

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 22:39

And just to reiterate, it takes a particular level of moron to call a pregnant woman fat, at all - let alone when you impregnated her.

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 22:44

Does this all go both ways?

He's not allowed to criticise you about a trying in front of the kids?

Would he be overreacting if he found it unacceptable that you called him a fat bastard , on front of his kids, repeatedly during a disagreement?

(Presumably "disrespecting"/criticizing your partner in front of the kids is only disallowed for him/men; otherwise what did he do by repeatedly calling you a fat bitch in front of them? And it sounds like his "sharp tongue" might have been overheard by them before.

The pregnancy aspect obviously has no equivalent.

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 22:52

I should move on now

Of course you should.

That means shut up, get back in your box, let me say with it, don't inconvenience me.

I was in a relationship with a verbal abuser for a while, he always wanted to "move on now" and "forget about it now" - conveniently for him - after his outbursts. They try (and often succeed) to make out you're over reacting, can't let things go, are unforgiving, unreasonable etc etc. But try them with some of what they like to give out - see if they could let it go.

AprilFool23 · 16/04/2023 22:54

*let me away with it

IDontWantToBeAPie · 17/04/2023 12:35

You're not overreacting he's just an arse who won't accept he crossed the line.

Original poster
Bubblemachiene · 17/04/2023 21:07

Thanks all, @AprilFool23 thanks for comments I'm glad you got out of it. It's so draining.

OP posts: