Pregnant & being called fat

[Bubblemachiene]

By partner in an argument, also infront of our dc. How would you handle this.

You should indeed move on. Onwards and upwards, to a better life in which people don't call you names because they can't think how else to respond during an everyday clash of opinions. That is really not much to ask for.

The specific argument you were having is irrelevant. What matters is that he thought it was OK to call you names and tell you to shut up instead of having a reasonably adult discussion. That - his behaviour towards you, not the argument - is why you are keeping him at arm's length now. Don't let him confuse you by discussing the specific argument.

You had your own place despite him being the father of your children; presumably there's a reason for that, even before this? This is not the first time he's treated you like shit? Are you still considering moving in with him fully in the future (and if so, why)?

I’m so glad you got your place back, well done! He definitely thought he had you trapped and revealed his true colours, there’s absolutely no way that would have been the end of it - can you imagine what sleep deprivation with a newborn would add to this? What the insults would get like as you got bigger and more tired? Your children deserve to see what a real role model is like, and a true parent - you’ve demonstrated this by showing them - if someone treats you this way, you leave. That’s amazing. You can do this, it may be super hard but you will be showing your kids every day how much respect you have for yourself and for them by not letting yourself get treated this way.

Thank you @mushforbrain & @80s I needed this today as was having second thoughts & feeling guilty on the children considering upheaving them again.

Yes @80s there has been these same issues in the past but I gave him another chance after him saying he's deeply sorry & realised what he's got to loose etc..

That must be really frustrating.

You say his parents are the same - so he's learned it from them, hasn't he? Does he understand that you don't want his children to have exactly the same experience, and learn it from him? He's still defending his behaviour, so it sounds like he doesn't get it really. But if he's saying he's sorry then maybe he would at least seek some help and work on himself so that he could parent the kids acceptably? Do you think he'd seek help if you point out to him that this behaviour could be his own childhood trauma, and he needs counselling?

(You don't have to live together to be decent coparents, obviously.)

So he wasn't actually sorry that time either. He just pretended to be so you'd stay.

See the pattern?

He treats you like shit,cons you into accepting it, pretends to be 'sorry' if you do call him on it, but then when he thinks he can get away with it again - he repeats the behaviour. Because he's not sorry. And he genuinely thinks he has the right to bully you.

He's nasty.

The bare minimum in a partner should be that they are a nice person. This guy wouldn't know nice if it bit him on the arse.

I can suggest it but he doesn't think he was wrong so I doubt he's admit it and seek help.

I have a booking in appointment tomorrow with midwife I am going to speak to her regarding my options 😔

It's not about who's right or wrong. It's about who's yelling obscenities at their partner in front of their children. But I guess what you are saying is that he won't understand that. Maybe it is too late for him. It's not your job to help him, obviously; just your children. But if he did get help, that would obviously also be good for the children.

(My motto is that even if someone doesn't like a point you make now, it might stick in the back of their mind and affect what they do next week or next year. If you bring up the idea that his anger comes from his childhood and he could pass on his trauma to his children - even if he says you're talking a load of shit - he's still heard it, you've planted the seed.)

Good luck Bubblemachiene, take the path that's best for you.

Hi- so I've spoken to midwife & family.
Midwife was great, she's postponed my booking in app & gave me the details for the bpas. Said give myself until Monday to think things through. She said it would need to be a procedure tho as I'm too far along for medication.
Mum thinks I'm overreacting as her partner called her fat once & she called him a fat bastard also. She laughed. Now I feel really daft.

Your mum is being ridiculous and / or has appallingly low standards for how anyone should expect to be treated in a relationship.

This wasn't a tit for tat bickering spat.

He told you to shut up and called you a day bitch, all in front of your child.

Don't let her minimise this or make you feel daft. Your gut instinct was right - what he said was abusive, cruel and designed to hurt you and dominate / upset you into doing what he wanted aka shutting you up.

He's a pig.

Your mother is a disgrace.

This is now children grow up and stay with abusers, because of women like your mother.

He is a pig.

I am so sorry your mother is such a loser.

OP, you have existing children to protect.

Put them first and get away from him.

Your children deserve a better future than ending up with an abusive pig.

You daughter deserves better than what he said to you, to become her norm.

I'm so sorry your mother is such a failure and so deluded.

YOU know better than her.
I know YOU want better for YOUR daughter.

OP, ‘fat’ was the least offensive thing he said in a sentence full of appalling misogyny.

You know the tone / manner / context in which this was said so you get to decide how you deal with it. Didn’t sound like he was having a laugh to me.

Don’t let your mother, who wasn’t there, gaslight you. Bloody hell you would think she’d want more for you.
x

It would be game over for me if my partner talked to me like that.

Tbh I'm supposed to me minding her dog for 2 weeks from next week & I think she was more concerned about that. @Catoo @billy1966 @monsteramunch

Your sick joke of a Partner

Is a Arsehole

Ditch him

Mum thinks I'm overreacting as her partner called her fat once & she called him a fat bastard also. She laughed.

If it was really just once, it's not like this situation though is it; be side it sounds like you've already broken up over his behaviour at least once. It's ongoing.

That's really good to hear. You and your children are valuable and don't need to live with that kind of aggressive behaviour and abuse. Showing the children that they don't have to accept living like that is a great gift to give.

And well done on doing better for your children than you got. It's not hard to see how you ended up with an arsehole, given your mother's attitude.

Not the same thing as your mums situation though.

Also, if you think she's the sort of person that cares more about her own convenience with the dogs, rather than your happiness, then her opinion isn't worth counting anyway.

I'm so conflicted
Mums telling me try to work things out. Then you lot & midwife telling me the opposite
Heads in a mess today.

What would you advise a friend/your daughter to do?

Your mother is wrong and has her ow interests at heart here, not your own.