Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

I just can not work out of this is normal/ toxic / abusive/ standard/ am I too sensitive/ too demanding

I think it’s all of it.
A big sprinkle of me being too demanding (because what I’d love to see/expect isn’t something he can give).
And a big sprinkle of him being out of line in his reactions (and us toxic/feels abusive)
Some stuff is normal (as in found in many NT/NT relationships, not that it makes it any easier).

Too sensitive I would refute. That’s usually the answer trotted out to silence women (sensitive, hysterical blablabla)

ThNk you x

Yes agreed.
I heard myself again today begging for change.
hearing the promise of it.
knowing I have a month before it all unravels again.
I really think this is the last time for me.
despite loving him I can’t live like this for the next 20 years

@BlueTick you summed up a lot of my experience, all four points.

Even now, 4 years on, I struggle to enjoy things; admittedly a difficult childhood played into this, but at least half the inability to relax and lower my guard comes because of 12 years of him managing to make a comment or action that squashed the enjoyment out of anything, to the point that it wasn't worth allowing myself to enjoy anything.

I hope that it comes back one day.

@Boxoftricksanstreats welcome .... One thing that helped me a lot was reframing the marriage. So ... it wasn't that I didn't give enough, or adjust enough, or compromise enough, or asked too much. It was simply that we had different needs and those needs were not compatible. So the marriage ending, and the very long years of struggle beforehand, had less about guilt.

I am still trying to tease out where he was autistic and where he was abusive, and where the autism created behaviour patterns that on paper were abusive but actually, there was no intention by him to be abusive. It's very hard because some things you can clearly identify as one, and some things as the other, but there's a huge area in the middle where it's impossible to tell.

Oh my gosh…… thank you so so much … this is literally IT !!!
what is it ?
… autism
… Arsehole / abusive
…. bit of both
….low intelligence ( please don’t judge I am literally broken )
I have had a mental breakdown in the past …self harmed …. said it’s over …called him all the names and reacted by throwing a dog toy across the room And all of these things are
just NOT me …. I’m heartbroken
I have read about reactive abuse and it sums up my experience ….
yet the behaviour behind it doesn’t match
I’m so so sad 😭

Perhaps I'm thinking ahead too much but the future with DH scares me. 😱 I have started to carve out a life for myself and that is working well while DC are still at home. When DC fly the nest, not sure how I'll cope, they keep me sane!

I’ve been reading a lot about adults that reflect that ‘ staying together for the kids’ was not beneficial for them as they reflected that their whole childhoods had ‘ been a lie’ so that has eased some guilt for me

@BlueTickyou summed up a lot of my experience, all four points.

I agree.

I seem to be in perpetual therapy. Mainly because of the childhood trauma I experienced but also because I need a sounding board - my relationship with dh always gets talked about. I have problems with connecting and thought I might be autistic but whilst I show some traits it's mainly to do with childhood trauma. It's a bit of two sided issue but I've received loads of therapy and willing to work at my issues whereas dh doesn't think any difficulties lie with him.

I have dc still at home and will have for many years, this keeps me going and gives me focus. I feel pretty sad about things and mostly lonely but fear being alone (thanks to childhood neglect and abuse), I also want stability for my own dc and dh provides this and supports me on a practical level especially when I get thrown into overwhelm. So it all sort of balances out but always there feels like there is something missing...and then I question whether I need too much. I don't feel capable of doing relationships (though I do connect well with my dc). I think I've checked out to some extent. It feels really strange when someone says, I remember you saying x and I feel an element of surprise like I've actually been noticed...but it couldn't have always been this way, I must have felt noticed initially surely.

My partner has ADHD and ASD. He tries so hard to do everything right and it’s so hard for him - like walking with a broken leg. I try really hard not to get upset at what seems like regular faux pas and lack of attention and consideration. It is a work in progress

It feels really strange when someone says, I remember you saying x and I feel an element of surprise like I've actually been noticed...but it couldn't have always been this way, I must have felt noticed initially surely.

⬆️⬆️
Me too.
Which why my trip to see two very good childhood friends is my lifeline in some ways. It reminds how things are with others. How I am outside of my marriage.
The worst is when I notice the same thing happening when I’m with my dcs (Wo dh). Attention to my needs, to what I want instead of me disappearing all the time.

Yer see I think mine doesn’t try and tells me I want too much and I need to lower my expectations, and manage everything more independently as I have recently asked for a little ‘ help’ around the house ( we both work full time )

@Boxoftricksanstreats dh is the same here too.
I can’t ask him for any support or he gets grumpy. Quite hard when you’re disabled and do need support for some stuff.

Not having the best night can someone advise?
I feel bad as I can’t take it anymore but can properly describe what the it is..
dh came in from work I told him about taking dd to school and the roadworks however he would t be affected as it’s not on the way there..
he said ok then a few mins later he asked if he would get a lot of traffic in the morning taking dd to school.

im afraid I got frustrated and asked him if he heard the conversation or answered on auto pilot? He said isn’t he allowed to ask questions and I said yes but I don’t understand why he acknowledged what I was saying and then asked afterwards. This happens a lot!

he said he only just processed it and so wanted to ask.

we had a huge argument and he has gone out. He said I was telling him a lot of information and that it was ok for me as I had experience the traffic so knew what was happening.
it was a very simple conversation to which he replied.
I am so confused and we are both hurt as he feels in being horrible to him :(

No dx of anything but we have huge communication problems (major one is we talk and he has completely forgotten what we have said)

Oh, exactly the same here, it has driven me mad for so long I no longer bother telling him anything. If I say one night what I'm doing in the morning it's like screaming into the wind, as the next morning he will still ask what I'm doing for the day.
I often think he just has stock phrases that he comes out with at certain times of the day that appear like conversation i.e. 'Did you sleep well', 'what are you doing today', 'how was work' , or at the weekend 'do you have any plans'.
They never warrant a detailed reply though, or provide an opening for a conversation. Once I have provided an answer he is already leaving the room, both physically and emotionally. No answer I'm afraid, just sympathy.

Dh has walked away so often during conversation and even shuts the door in my face whilst I’m speaking as he has finished.
im struggling as I blame myself.
he says why can’t he ask questions? It’s so hard to explain but what he says back makes me feel I’m being horrible to him.
I said my main problem with tonight was not him checking with me but the fact he had agreed and we spoke about the traffic and then 3 mins later he asked about it.
I try to ask what’s going on for him- does he tune out? Not listen or forget etc but he gets so cross I’m asking. Has no sympathy for now this makes me feel. Then the kids see me and get cross at me.
im feeling very low

It’s exhausting not knowing if he is listening to me or understands me.
it was a simple conversation which confuses me. He then tried to say it was the same as when I can’t process when he talks about numbers and maths but it is not the same at All. I openly say I am no good with numbers and find that hard to follow but I find he tries to always throw it back onto me

It's frustrating isn't it. My DH needs time to process what I'm saying and switches off unless I'm succinct. I speak quite differently with friends and colleagues.

Yes but I am questioning myself- is it me? He says it’s how I ask things but I think it’s how he hears the things I say. I feel he can be quite literal and pedantic.
hes A good person but we can’t get on

Processing lots of information, particularly verbal, is very hard for many autistic people.

for me, it raises my stress levels severely and can produce a meltdown (which is deeply deeply embarrassing but I have no control over this reaction).

I don’t know how to explain it but maybe it’s like someone speaking to you in a foreign language you are just learning and then getting angry you don’t follow them and respond instantly as you are still translating in your head.

We are not doing this to be difficult, some of us simply cannot cope with lots of verbal information as much as we really want to. It is a genuine disability.

Please don’t think that I am asking if people are doing this on purpose. That’s not what I am saying at all.
I am saying that I am struggling with it especially as dh doesn’t always know why he doesn’t know what I have said.
I am trying to support but need support also

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain 'I am trying to support but need support also'

This. This is so true and why this thread is not about blame in any sense.
Of course there is a recognition that Autistic people find certain things hard. But the needs that my husband has in order to manage these difficulties/process information/how his brain is wired, does not outweigh my need to have a relationship that is reciprocal, or someone to listen to me about my day and empathise.

This is why relationships with such varying/mismatched needs are hard.

But it is also why I can't leave him. Because I genuinely don't think he means to upset me so much. I think self reflection is hard for him - he doesn't think what he does has an impact on me and therefore doesn't understand why i'm upset that he walks around the house telling me what i've done wrong all the time (for example).