Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

We communicate a lot by email, text or notes left on the bench. Whiteboard on the fridge with important stuff written on it.

If the exchange is verbal and it is important, then I will try and make sure he heard and understood. If it is a list of things that must be done, he writes it down or I do. We know he doesn't retain lists (unless it is to do with his current obsession).

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople I didn't know that. I often feel that DWs internal translator works differently to other peoples.

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople

There is no hate here, we are all trying so so hard to understand and make it work. Many of us are ND ourselves. It's the awareness of the impact on others and the communication of this that is the problem- on both sides too as there is so little advice when couples truly seek help- all the advice is rooted in NT relationships and/ or abusive relationships- we don't fit in to the boxes. So you say "I have this problem and it feels like this, and it makes me feel like this" there is your starting point to open a dialogue with your partner and to work on some methods and strategies together, that is an example of trying to make it work, but none of us seem to be able to get to that stage.

I'm autistic and I remember all the details of my DH's schedule, how he is feeling, what's going on with him, listen to what he's saying, check in with him, ask about his life, I am interested! It hurts when he doesn't even have a look at the calendar to check what I'm doing. Or ask if I had a nice time when I come home, even ask where I have been, because he is very deeply in to his special interest, ask how I am and respond accordingly. I GET IT, but there is room for growth. Also for a lot of us, the "feeling seen" happened a lot at the beginning of the relationship, so we feel sad that we know it is in there, and feels like a massive rejection that it is no longer there.

Please don't think this is hate, we are trying to make things work for the sake of everyone in the situation. Sharing our experiences is helping us. In the same way people say "everyone is a bit autistic" GRRRRRR many people say to people like the people on this thread "oh yeah marriage/men is just like that", totally dismissing and invalidating our experience.

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople thanks for that input.
I think many of us on this thread are aware that writing is often a better way to communicate. Its really interesting to learn why and what the direct effect of communicating verbally can be.

I have a very practical question for you though.
In a case like the one described, it’s 9.30pm, both partners are tired, getting ready to go to bed.
How do you communicate something so mundane as organising dropping your child to school? Do you use WhatsApp as the default system?
im really curious of what it means on a day to day basis for you (or what would work best iyswim)

@bunhead1979 thank you for sharing your experience too.

Thank you as this is what I struggle with. Yes I use notes and will write things down and remind etc but the practical scenario advice is useful thank you for asking and posing this question

@SpecialMangeTout @Forgoodnesssakemeagain

I’m currently at work but I’ll try to come back later regarding your question.

Thank you that’s great! Hope work goes well :)

Thank you.

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain All of this, totally identify with it all. I am learning not to expect reciprocity and to feel less upset when DP doesn't appear (to me) to be interested. But it's very hard and I often need a quiet cry to release my frustration and hurt.

DP will ask the same stock questions you describe but doesn't listen to the answers. Very often I'll be halfway through a sentence and I look up and he is engrossed in his phone (he is pretty obsessed with his phone) and that's the end of any conversation. I've tried pointing it out both in the moment, and at another time but he is hyper sensitive to anything that he perceives as criticism and it causes arguments. So recently I have just taken to stopping talking when I realise I've lost him, and I walk away instead.

He never acknowledges that this has happened and I wonder if he's even noticed that I've left the room. But tonight he came in from work and made a point of asking me about my day and listening to my reply, asking questions about things, and he didnt hijack the conversation either. When I had finished talking, I thanked him for asking and listening, and he said 'I didn't even have my phone ' - so it must be sinking in! I can't tell you how happy that one little acknowledgement made me. And I realised that listening to me made him a bit late for something else,and I know it must have taken huge restraint for him not to just walk away.

It gives me hope that some of what I say/do does reach him, and he does actually care.

Thank you for your posts. The bit “ I walk away instead” really struck a chord with me. I have done this and my heart just sinks.
he Has shut the door in my face numerous times as to him the conversation is over and that hurts. I have spoken to him about it but he said he didn’t even know he has ever done that. He does seem baffled at my hurt and that hurts me too as it must feel confusing for him that I feel hurt

In a case like the one described, it’s 9.30pm, both partners are tired, getting ready to go to bed.
How do you communicate something so mundane as organising dropping your child to school?

ok. Have reflected and am going to give you how I would have reacted.

• at 9:30 my mind is shut down. Starting an important conversation at this point - unless sudden serious issue had emerged - would be v hard for me. And I mean really hard rather than just something I’d rather not do.
• but - the idea that school runs had not been organised at least a week in advance would have been causing me huge stress. My husband and I have agreed days where it is each person’s responsibility however if we need to change we can always ask (but in advance)
• we have a printed out A4 timetable by the door which sets out what subjects on what days (so PE kit check/Afterschool club etc). Visual prompts are enormously helpful.
• both of us hate conflict and sudden changes and I need as little uncertainty as possible. Where there is uncertainty my mind absolutely catastrophises - then meltdown
• if you need to discuss something important then set a time to discuss rather than just say “right can we talk about ……”.
• be very very direct. Literally explicit instructions (assuming it is something that has been discussed). Matter of fact, no emotion. Someone up thread quoted how direct they had been and I thought “I actually have no idea what she actually meant” so something that may seem direct to you may not be to us. Bullet point communication also recommended.
• and to repeat, lots of spoken words, especially if unexpected as it may result in brain overload. My meltdowns are usually shutdowns or I just breakdown into a hopeless crying blob. For me being aggressive or abusive in any way is absolutely not on.

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople thank you. That’s very detailed and actually quite close to what we have set up in this house.
And yes I get the routine etc… It makes things much easier. Also interesting point about being too tired for a conversation at that time anyway.

If something unexpected happens, what would be the best way to deal with it?
So you need to change the routine for the next day re school run. What would make it easier for you to be able to have that conversation?

I found that we often end up having those conversations late in the day because DH doesn’t tell me about his plans. That throw a spanner in the works so we need to giggle things around. Which can include a change in routine on his side (my ability to accept a change in routine is assumed, regardless of tte inconvenience for me….). And no, it doesn’t work.

SpecialMangeTout our situations sound very similar! I agree this answer and information given is really useful and gives a brilliant insight as to what is going on.
it’s sort of what dh is trying to describe to me. He often says he needs time when he has finished work to talk about other things or small talk. He will often sit in a quiet room.

But as above how do we plan when it is unexpected- with me and the school run it was unplanned and needed to be discussed.
I think I am answering my own question now but I think I - 1. Chose the wrong time (straight after he had walked in the house) and 2. Gave too much information.

it’s hard in my circumstance as it’s only just now dh is starting to tell me things like “I’m trying to process things” and so now I do really wonder about asd as it seems to be adding up.
before I have been in a confused fog of not knowing what is happening and what to do to help us both.

My autistic partner - we are not married - has very proudly provided me with a rota of when we will see each other and when he will have his alone time. Apparently Wednesdays are his alone time, Thursday we will see friends, Friday is date night and weekends we are together with our respective children. I have tried to explain my plans are more fluid. Sometimes I work late, sometimes friends want to have dinner on a Friday, sometimes I can’t get to my exercise class on Wednesday and go on Thursday instead. He is baffled and hurt that I have rejected his efforts. Help.

If something unexpected happens and nothing could have been planned e.g. child is sick meaning they are off school then I will always deal with that (and always together with my husband - we are a team)

if it was something he forgot to tell me eg “oh I have to go to London tomorrow so I can’t do school run” then I’d get very annoyed and stressed as he is effectively asking me to solve situation. This happened once or twice but now does not as I told him I couldn’t cope with last minute changes

that is why I recommend different days allocated and each parent takes ownership of these days. M my days are Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays (I don’t work Fridays). As soon as he hears of any event in his diary which means he cannot do either of his days he tells me and we swap. We really don’t do last minute changes as it is far too stressful for us both.

if your partners are (1) making last minute changes and the (2) expecting you to resolve then I think that is completely unacceptable. Fairness is really important to me - and I think very important for most autistic people - and it really isn’t hard to understand fairness around school runs when both parents are working or have other vital commitments such as caring for others. So if your husbands are refusing to accept their share of responsibility I’d say that’s them being selfish dicks, autistic or otherwise. Call out this behaviour every time.

Itt try a great to have these questions as it’s so useful. Just don’t want to add and over load though so will try to be mindful of this on here.
I worry that it’s all down to me to change and and adapt and I’m not sure I can do it.
our therapist advised me on some changes for our relationship - for example giving him time to transition from work to home which I am happy to do. However what if my needs are not met? I would like to be able to chat, plan things and feel loved and thought about however if this won’t happen (and not dh fault) I’m not sure if it’s right for me to stay.
Hope that makes sense.

DH is only just starting to realise the adjustments and accommodations we make for him yet still bangs on about how much he has to ‘change’.
He doesn’t. No one’s asked him to. But he doesn’t like the consequences his actions and words have. That when he either loses his cool, or sits there telling us he’s not going to comment because it gets him in trouble (note: not the negative impact it has on others - that comes later but will still be about how he’s feeling), it creates an atmosphere no one wants to be in. But we carry on. He’s the one storming off or sitting with a face like thunder.

@Forgoodnesssakemeagain it makes total sense.

And actually I now think that there is a limit of how much you can accommodate and strip your needs to the bare minimum.
I think each of us has a different limit and I know I went way over it. In big part because I thought it would be a failing from myself if I wasn’t able to accommodate those needs.
If anything, I’ve now learnt that some needs are simply not compatible. And yes, sometimes, you need to say goodbye to someone, not because you can’t cope with a specific disability, not because the person is bad but simply because it can’t work Wo hurting one or both partners.

@StopHateAgainstAutisticPeople thank you :)

I completely relate to this. My OH can’t handle anything that changes the ideas in his head, but he also doesn’t really have boundaries. So for example, today he came home from work and there was an issue that required him to continue working at home but he had to wait for a call. He was so angry because it ran into ‘his time’, which is understandable but he took it out on me. Everything that he seems able to manage when things are calm, just completely get dropped when something like this happens. Chores, sleep pattern, ability to be nice to me, ability to listen. He is then very flustered and flappy and the animals we have pick up on this and get stressed and sometimes fight.

From my perspective, it’s just life and life happens all the time. You can’t just stop everything running because something didn’t go to plan. So I find it very hard to handle.

He’s also very similar to your OH with travel. A huge stress head. I have to plan everything and woe betide me if I haven’t managed to foresee something - I’m able to adapt on the fly but he isn’t. Frankly, it’s not worth going away with him.