Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

@Daftasabroom Sorry you're having a tough time. I recognise so many things in your post too. Very un-mumsnetty hugs!

DW is obsessed with finances as well, except it comes from the perspective of her hating "evil corporations" and thus we have to avoid giving them unnecessary money at all cost. It's frustrating.

@ThePineappleBuff I'll take my hugs as I find them! All hugs welcome 😁

Yep, DW has a Tesco phobia and on the odd occasion she goes shopping will go a half hour out of her way, each way, to find her preferred supermarket.

Another part of me worries about her if I were to leave. She's very isolated and has gone NC with family for (IMO) completely petty reasons. Though of course I will never say that out loud. The only friends she has are now online friends too.

I wonder if we worry too much about our partners being isolated. DH has very few friends but is happy that way. Much of his life is on-line but that's fine with him.

It seems that we have separated. I feel scared to death and relieved in equal measure.
He still in the house. I'm doing everything with the children. He's doing his own thing. I'm not sure what to do next!

Are you actually separated officially?

He is now being extremely reactive.. exactly why I've stayed quiet and walked on eggshells for years.
I can't go into all the details, but it's been coming for years really. I've changed a lot and he's stayed the same essentially. No emotional connection at all, but he can't see that as an issue and therefore has been unwilling/unable(??) to change.

@BlueTick
Thank you for your reply. Everything you describe has been very similar to our lives for many years.
Yes we formally separated on Monday and I need to go to the solicitor because he's threatening all sorts about our house etc. I believe I'm in a strong position with three children at home, two of which are ND and we have a joint mortgage.
I know I need to try and concentrate on the things in my control only, but it's so far out of my comfort zone it's unreal!

Oh @BlueTick I hear every word, I absolutely dread the weekend.
I never feel lonely when I'm in on my own during the week, just relaxed, but weekends are awful. Another human being in the house with whom you can have no connection is soul destroying.
I often liken it to living with a ghost, you can feel they are there but can't reach them.

I get this 100%. I find the weekends very difficult. He'll do his special interest/s pretty much the whole time. I can cope with the loneliness in the week when I'm busy with work and kids, but the weekends mostly I just feel emptiness.

He will say 'why don't you do something with insert random friend ' because he doesn't get that for most people weekends are family/couple time.

If he's not doing his special interest he'll be on his phone ignoring me, he gets really obsessed with social media but struggles to behave appropriately. Except he doesn't see that his behaviour is inappropriate. I've disconnected/blocked him on everything because I just can't handle the stress of it any more.

These days we mostly end up arguing at weekends because he gets frustrated that I'm 'sad'.

Anyone fancy a pint??🙃

'Loneliness is the absence of connection, when connection is sought'.

DP can't seem to understand this. I'm lonely not because I can't handle being on my own, I like my own company. And not because I can't handle him not being around. I'm lonely because when he's around, I want to be close to him and can't. Having to accept that we will never have the closeness or connection that I crave, that's tough and that's loneliness.

It's exactly that, the having no sense of anything shared. Everything is so transactional. We rarely even eat meals together.

We live completely separate lives. I've rowed back on all the stuff I used to do for him (washing, ironing, making sure he eats properly, keeping the house nice, tidying etc) because it just gets taken for granted and I end up exhausted and resentful. So now I focus on myself and the kids and the basics to make the house function. And we live like 2 single people who just happen to sleep in the same bed. He doesn't seem to mind it at all, the only thing that disturbs him is when I'm upset/sad/emotional. He does try and I appreciate his efforts, but it's always shortlived.

The desperately sad thing is that I really do love him and want to be close to him. But it's impossible.

You've summarized my relationship with DW perfectly. And it's the loneliness more, much more, than anything else which is difficult to bear.

@Daftasabroom it really is. I find I get harder and tougher as time goes on. I care a little bit less each week that passes but it's like the light inside me gets a little dimmer too. I care a little less each time he is hurtful, harsh or does something he knows I find upsetting (though tbf much of this behaviour is not related to asd it's just him being selfish). I wonder what will be left of me eventually.

I’ve just spent a week with very good friends.

Im always shocked at how different things are. There is a conversation going. One of my friends had someone over, a gay man, who complimented me on my dungarees (cheap stuff from Amazon!). Which reminded me that DH hasn’t given me any compliment like that like …. forever.
They were careful about my needs/disability so I enjoyed every minute of my stay.

Someone mentioned their DH was a bit like a ghost. Fir me, it feels like the other way around - like I’m a ghost to him and sees right through me.

Quote of the day for me (pinched from IG)

An old man once told me:
”You keep forgiving someone until you unlove them”

That where I am now. Having forgiven, found excuses, taken the whole load on my shoulders until I couldn’t physically do it anymore (too ill), couldn’t do it emotionally anymore, until the love was gone. And now I can’t forgive anymore. I don’t have the strength for that, or to make things better or anything really.

@Hairymaclaryfromdonaldsonsdairy
i have just found this group and am so pleased that I have as I thought that I was alone in this. I think you have summed up the loneliness and hurt perfectly of my relationship with my ASD DH. The loneliness and lack of meaningful connection gets harder and harder.

@lizzell Welcome xxx I'm glad you've found this group, but so sorry you are in the same boat as the rest of us. I've only been here a couple of weeks myself! But after years of feeling unseen and unheard at home, it is so good to find people with whom my own experiences and feelings seem to resonate xx @SpecialMangeTout I totally feel like the ghost too! But I've decided, no more xx

Welcome @lizzell you will find understanding here.