Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

I'm actually shaking right now.

Thank you. It helps. I had a long chat with a friend today and I'm feeling more in control of my feelings.

I thought I had all this sussed. I got complacent. 😔

I didn't even know this thread existed. My DS is on the pathway to being diagnosed, DH is more then likely ADHD/Autistic combined, but doesn't identify with the ASD consistently yet. Life is a huge challenge, we are in couples therapy with a specialist ND therapist. It's not going well at all. Has anyone had a positive outcome from couples therapy?

My 3 autistics all prefer to not use person first language. It's a huge area of debate and nobody gets to tell other people what is the one right way.

There is some very good advice on this website and links to further reading materials. Thank you for posting this.

Apologies for a long message, but it's cathartic to be amongst others like you.

Hi all, I'm new to this thread and this whole situation. I'm 38, F, highly empathic and feel strongly, most likely NT or maybe ADHD (after reading so much about ND to make sense of my relationship I no longer know). I've been with my DH 6 years, married 2 - he is formally undiagnosed ASD.

TL;DR - DH is in my opinion autistic, we have communication and emotional needs differences resulting in arguments and depression/loneliness in me;

Things have been great at the beginning of the relationship, he's incredibly smart, quite sociable and liked with friends albeit quirky, doesn't follow a strict routine and is not controlling, quite accommodating - likes physical affection (not so much sexual though). We have a comfortable life together - beautiful house, travels/holidays etc.

We were planning to start a family, it hasn't happened (infrequent sex doesn't help), until our interactions became more fraught with occasional huge blow outs (3 years into the relationship, pandemic etc) with verbal aggression on his part, including name calling. These arguments never resulted in repair, and whenever I tried to address what has been going on, we would end up fighting more and I would be accused of all the wrongdoing in the relationship - 'you're the one causing this, you're the problem, sort yourself out'.

We have sought couple's therapy and after another blow out and my saying I'm going to leave our couple's therapist has recommended an individual therapy for him which he is to start.

I'm pretty sure DH has ASD, even though he said he doesn't think so - it's clear that our communication and emotional needs/time spent together differs much. His dad described himself recently as on the spectrum, and it seems it runs in his immediate family - ASD FIL, BIL and SIL.

I've been taking care of my terminally I'll mum who passed away in late 2018, after that have been grieving and then pandemic hit, cancelling our wedding and halting our home renovations - so life has been stressful. For that reason I have paused my successful but demanding career for a couple of years, thinking I'll recover from all the stress I was carrying, but actually, I've felt worse in the last two years than ever - confused, anxious, lonely, fatigued, depressed, like something is missing - could it be Cassandra? So now onto my dilemma.

I always wanted to have kids, happy engaging family - at my age now things are getting more progressively tricky.

TL;DR dilemma/help/advice please - we have no kids, I'm 38, do I stay or do I go - can this be a good/happy relationship or does it get worse with time/kids? - speak from your heart and your own experience, what would you do if you were in my shoes...

What does formally undiagnosed mean?

Sorry you're having such a hard time amd sorry to hear about your mum. It sounds like you've both been through a lot the last few years and that has taken its toll.

What did the couple's therapist say? Was any progress being made on working through the issues? Why did you say you are going to leave the sessions?

Maybe being off work is not helping your state of mind if you are used to being busy and doing a demanding job. Do you plan to return?

If your DH is autistic that doesn't mean you can't have a very happy relationship, it really depends on the interaction of both of your personalities and whether you both are committed to work through the issues and accept each other as you are, as in any relationship. Nobody is perfect and whether he has ASD doesn't seem to have much to do with the issues you've described. If you're 38 and you want to have children, would you be prepared to do this on your own if you decide to break up your marriage?

@LazyHammock apologies, I was quite emotional typing all of this and have carelessly edited it a few times causing some confusion.

Thank you for your care. These have been indeed tough years for both of us and I am very grateful to DH for supporting us financially whilst I was taking time off.

To clarify my previous message and answer some of your questions:

Neither DH nor anyone in his family have formal diagnosis of autism. He is not formally diagnosed - that’s what I was meant to say, bad edit.

Couple’s therapist suggested individual therapy for DH after his most recent aggressive outburst. He agreed to it, however I think it might have been due to the fact that I was openly considering leaving the relationship at that point due to name calling. When that happened we’ve only had 5 sessions with the counsellor, now we’re closer to 10 sessions. We are continuing the therapy and learning more and more about each other’s way of relating/ communicating/ emtional needs and our differences - it’s early stages so I cannot tell whether it’s having positive impact on us yet, whether things are changing for the better.

I am indeed planning to go back to work now, especially keen to regain my financial independence, however I feel like the 2 year sabbatical that was meant to help me recover is sending me back to my job exhausted, lonely, emotionally drained and scared for the future - we have this beautiful home together and all I feel in it is emptiness and loneliness, and I’m making myself crazy trying to figure out what the cause of that feeling is.

I don’t think that I’d like to have a child by myself - I always dreamt of having a healthy, loving family. My age (38) is complicating the matters here significantly, and I feel it deeply. That’s why I’d love to hear from people on the other side of this chasm - what’s your advice knowing what you know now, what would you advise yourself now, if you were in my shoes.

Thank you.

That all sounds so difficult. It must be hard not to feel resentful that this rare chance for a break from the stress of work has been constant stress and left you even more exhausted than when you started it especially given that's such a rare opportunity.

Also very difficult to tell what is causing each issue given so many stressful things in a short soace of time, particularly your mum. Worry about relatives and grief and make it hard to see things clearly.

The arguing sounds awful. If that can't be resolved then I don't think you can continue the relationship. This is not how people support each other. Insulting you or shouting at you is unacceptable. Did the therapist recommend he has sessions alone because he is behaving abusively? That doesn't sound normal, it sounds like a huge anger issue so not to do with potential ASD but a huge problem for being able to have a successful relationship.

Babies and children are stressful even for a very solid relationship so I absolutely wouldn't have one unless you are sure that these issues are sorted out first. It's difficult to tell from your description whether it's that both of you are struggling at the moment but these are not your normal personalities and ways of interacting or whether these are the first major stresses you've had in your relationship and it's brought out characteristics that were hidden before and you're just fundamentally incompatible.

Autism itself isn't a barrier to people having good relationships but personality clashes and anger issues are. I think usually in these circumstances with the arguments happening all the time my advice to anybody would be to leave because it's no way to live and would certainly get worse if you brought children into the mix, but I appreciate that with you wanting a family meeting somebody new in time would be difficult. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I don't think you can have children with him if he is explosive like this, it would be awful for them.

Nope. Couples therapy has been totally unhelpful. Especially the ND one.

counterproductive, expensive waste of time.

sata hendrickx says the NT partner just needs to adapt and accommodate.

she’s right.

it’s devastating

@LazyHammock thank you for your time and care responding to me.

I wholeheartedly agree that we will not be having children together anytime soon and that the arguing needs to stop first. I’m interested in a happy/healthy family only.

DH admitted that he needs to make a change in caring for his mental health better and expressing his frustrations/anger in a healthy way. We’re in couple’s therapy as well as individual therapy now so if that doesn’t change, I will end this marriage.

What I was hoping to gain via this forum though is an understanding what is due to the nature of NT/ASD relationship (like perhaps the loneliness) and what is not. Pardon my lack of significant knowledge or experience with ASD, perhaps I naively thought that the meltdown, brought about by the stress of miscommunication/argument in the relationship, might cause an expression of aggression?

Our relationship definitely got more stressful after having children.

Also,

What I was hoping to gain via this forum though is an understanding what is due to the nature of NT/ASD relationship (like perhaps the loneliness) and what is not.

The million dollar question which I'm still trying to figure out after 20 years together.

Here’s a question for those of us who stayed - would you, if you had your time again, stay?

I think I’d have taken longer to get married - I was love bombed and under the ovarian tick tock.

He had an idea that a man should be married by x age, a father by x age, family completed by x age and a wife with x,y, z qualities. I did not know about that when we married and I distinctly remember thinking “who the fuck are you?” on our honeymoon because the love bombing ceased as soon as the registry was signed. Didn’t even last til our wedding night.

he had told me that he loved me, he’s married me, so there was no need to revisit that for the next 20 years. I have felt duped, he performed “loving boyfriend” to get me, then I was a brood mare and he thought I’d be a 1950s wife who also brought in a salary and gave out blow jobs.

remaining married is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t leave because of kids/money/not bad enough to leave but I’m not at all convinced it was good enough to stay.

I found some notes id been taking for wvidence for a divorce when the kids were small and I can see my thinking was that having to co parent with him would have been worse. That was wise, it would have been a nightmare.

I would not advise anyone to marry someone like my husband - relationships ar about compromise and accommodating each other and giving a shit.

have a fling, have fun, enjoy the positives, but don’t have kids because he lacks capacity to deal with the noise/worry/stress/spontaneity. And that crushes you both.

having said all that, he is a good man. He sees the world in a different way to me. He does love us, he shows it in ways that I didn’t recognise for about 10 years because I was busy wirh the kids who all had their own extra challenges. He never missed a days work in 10 years of cancer treatment when our son was little. Which I was angry about bevcaise it was all left to me, he didn’t even visit the child when he was in the ward, but that was love. It’s not what I needed or wanted, but it was love. He did what he could which was keep the bills paid and so I didn’t have that worry as well, whcih was a gift.

which is why I stayed. He does love us

Pardon my lack of significant knowledge or experience with ASD, perhaps I naively thought that the meltdown, brought about by the stress of miscommunication/argument in the relationship, might cause an expression of aggression?

Well that is certainly my experience.
There is a different quality to a meltdown vs being aggressive. Sometimes it is an obvious meltdown. But there has been many times where I found it impossible to say whether it’s a meltdown or just anger.
And no DH has always been incapable (or doesn’t want?) of telling me afterwards if it was one or the other.

I find that very hard because how do you start addressing the issue if you dint know what’s going on?
I could put boundaries in place assuming it’s full in anger. And that would mean leaving if it carries on. But what if it is a meltdown instead?
I can assume it’s a meltdown and treat it as such. Leave some space for DH to recover. Remind myself he is not choosing to have a meltdown etc… but what if it’s anger instead?

And in reality, it’s likely that sometimes it’s anger, sometimes it’s a meltdown…. And I personally can’t always tell….

It's dehumanising and othering to put the condition first.

Says who?

sata hendrickx says the NT partner just needs to adapt and accommodate.

Yes.
And i think there is a need for the NT to adapt and accommodate. There are many reasons that makes me think it should be a normal thing to happen.

Im nit sure it’s enough.

I’m not sure I can accommodate enough Wo ignoring my own needs and hurting myself in the process.

im not even sure it’s possible for me as an NT to really get what his needs are as an someone with autism. And in my particular case, it’s certainly made 100x harder by the fact DH doesn’t talk about how he feels, what he needs etc…. I’m not even sure he has the awareness of what would help him.

im not even sure it’s possible for me as an NT to really get what his needs are as an someone with autism. And in my particular case, it’s certainly made 100x harder by the fact DH doesn’t talk about how he feels, what he needs etc…. I’m not even sure he has the awareness of what would help him.

This is huge in our relationship. Dh has no self awareness. He doesn't know how he feels, what he needs, nevermind have the ability to express it. It's called Alexithymia and about 50% of people with autism have it. I think it's pretty impossible to meet the needs of someone who doesn't know what it is they want or need.

It's really difficult to have a meaningful emotional connection with someone that doesn't know their own emotions, nevermind yours.

I go through phases with dh where I think I think I have it sussed, think yes I can do this, then there are times like now where I lay awake for half of the night plotting my escape. If I had my time again I wouldn't have married him. I was very young and we were probably on the same wavelength back then but I've matured and he has stayed the same. Maybe when the kids leave home and we have less responsibilities things will be easier again who knows.

@leithreas Dh has no self awareness. He doesn't know how he feels, what he needs, nevermind have the ability to express it. It's called Alexithymia and about 50% of people with autism have it.

OMG I mean really OMG I have posted many times how self absorbed DW is yet with zero self awareness, yet DS has an almost heightened self awareness.

Yes, if I ask him what he needs he says he needs for me to be happy. And yet, he is unable to prioritise what I need in order to be happy.

if I ask him “but what about YOU? That’s about me, what do you need to make this marriage happier?” then he doesn’t know. He believes he has no needs at all - which is not my experience (curtains at this position, door at this angle, quiet, clean house, no visitors, no intrusions to his routine, etc)

I am a lurker suspecting DS is heading for evaluation and having realised he is a pre teen version of DH in so many ways.

I quoted your post stealth because of the curtains this way doors that way bit

We have curtains this way blinds that way, doors like this…. But all have two settings and the criteria are soooo very specific that I give the perfect impression of a total
imbecile not being able to meet the perfectly logical requirements based on sun and heat and drafts and whether the lights are on or off if someone happens a to be thinking about changing their clothes, and the price of … fish who knows.

I was told off in the car the other day after we gave my mum a lift. I was (unusually) driving and had asked which gear speed and autopilot options to choose on the motorway (as diesel use is a serious interest to DH). Apparently I made him sound controlling and yet had I not asked I would have been ‘educated’ at very great length later which is what I was trying to avoid.

Solidarity with the other posters above many having similar other lives I think.

DH does love us and shows this in his own ways and his battle to fit into the world has been a long and uncomfortable journey for him much of the time. I applaud him his successes and create as much space as I can to allow him to just …be. Am am also ‘scaffolding’ and I had not seen the need for thatch coming when we set
out together in a romantic whirlwind.

Checking in. Love to all x