Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Partners with ASD please. Or partners who have ASD.

Person first, condition second.

Thank you :)

It's dehumanising and othering to put the condition first.

Hi. First ever MN post - I'm a long time lurker (very long time). Just came across this thread.

My DH has ASD, undiagnosed but my DS1(14) is diagnosed and the details of his diagnosis describe DH perfectly! He is pretty convinced now, as am I.

Been married 19 years, together 25 odd.

I'm interested to hear your experiences and how you all make your relationships work. I struggle a lot with the social inappropriateness and PDA among other things.

I don't know if DP has ASD but a lot of the stories here resonate with me. Since we started couples therapy he has shown the way he thinks is completely alien to me. Most of the time I feel like I'm with an angry child and he just can't understand me. Or he says he understands then goes back to his original model of thinking. He says very insensitive things and refuses to ever apologise.
How do you know when it's time to end the relationship? I'm so sad but I don't know if I can see a future with him any more, no matter how hard I try.

This thread is not necessarily representative of all relationships between non-autistic and autistic people.

From the NAS website.

We want to stress that autistic people are just as capable of having loving and successful relationships as non-autistic people

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners

I'm interested to hear your experiences and how you all make your relationships work.

@Sunburninoctober

Lots of books, podcasts, posts and articles to understand the stresses my DH is under.

Marriage counselling to understand each other's points of view and improve communication.

Doing more than what pre-marriage/pre-kids I would have thought was my share of life admin and childcare. Thankfully he notices and appreciates this.

Giving him time and space whenever he's stressed. He often apologises or explains later on.

Texts so that's he got time to process messages.

Learning what makes me happy and organising it myself on my own or with friends or family. From birthday gifts and meals out to days out and holidays.

Meanwhile he's trying to cope every single day trying to live in a world which is often designed more around NT people than ND people.

I try to focus on the things he's amazing at and do the things he can't.

It's not the marriage I anticipated but neither of us knew he was autistic when we met. I love and appreciate him and I understand the way he thinks more these days.

@Sunburninoctober
I struggle a lot with the social inappropriateness and PDA among other things.
Ah, we rarely go out. I socialise with friends or family, without him. He prefers to stay at home and he's currently working from home.

When we first got together I couldn't understand why he acted inappropriately (from my perspective). We used to argue about it.

Then we tried talking separately to people if we were at a big social function. But he'd get drunk to cope and that didn't work well. So now he only goes out if he can be sure it'll be a very small group of people he already knows. Whereas I'm happy going to a big party even if I only know a few other guests. We're different and that's fine ☺️.

Just in case you’re interested in input from autistics, it’s actually been found that autistic people tend to prefer to be referred to as autistic, rather than having autism, as that implies it’s not a part of us, or it feels like you’re trying to sanitise something we are.
I’ve also noticed that people don’t respond well to being told what to say and what not to say.

@CaloriesShmalories just in case you're interested in autistic and I find it grossly offensive to put the condition first.

*I'm

@OhTheSilence

I relate to it feeling alien 😕

How do you know when it's time to end the relationship?

Everyone's different but for me it would be if I was happier on my own and if any kids would be better off. I don't think either's true in my case but can totally appreciate it could be true for lots of couples if you finally run out of patience and energy.

I’m autistic and I hate “has autism”.
I don’t think policing others’ words is ok though, particularly when consensus amongst autistics is that the preference is autistic.

@grandmaintraining
I think it varies between individuals.

E.g. My fully, professionally diagnosed DH prefers 'autistic' as he feels it's an inherent part of his brain and that 'having' autism would sound like a disease.

Hi folks, I have lurked and feel that I have found my people. I'm mother to a young man who is in the process of being assessed and partner to a man who almost certainly is on the spectrum but would never admit it. Feeling very sad that my son is only just getting a diagnosis now when he has struggled for years. Some of the things I have read on here about being lonely or feeling emotionally abused really resonated with me. Thank you

My autistic son (Oxbridge Linguist) has just assured me it is adjective first then noun. Other languages have other structures but to be honest he started to lose me a bit.

Checking in for a new thread. I keep going round and round in circles - should I stay or should I go? It’s exhausting. I reach a place of acceptance, make my peace and then something happens - e.g a tantrum or a movie makes me see passion that is so lacking or whatever and I just feel so lonely. We are both ND (he ASD/me ADHD) so I get it but at the same time, can I live a life without hugs or a deep emotional connection? I don’t know but I don’t think I want to…

@Wednesdaysotherchild my ADHD emotional hyper sensitivity and needs aren't always a great match with DWs insensitivity I have to say.

Hello 👋👋👋
Was on the previous thread as WakingUp.

Thanks @Daftasabroom

I can see we have a great start of the thread 😁😁

Also a big welcome to people who have joined us, were lurking or are stil lurking.

@Dappy55 Despite years of point blank denial DW floored me earlier today by suggesting that we all (us as a family but including herself) might be ND. There might be hope yet.

Is there a way you'd suggest to approach your partner, in a sensitive way, to get assessed?
I worry that if suggested it to DP he'd throw a tantrum. He's very intelligent but I suspect he's used his high IQ to cover up the other parts that I can only describe as "off".

@OhTheSilence do you have children on the spectrum? I’ve used dc as a starting point for the conversation. Mentioned that I thought maybe he was in the spectrum too. What did he think?

Tbh it took a few goes. And DH found it hurtful - in a ‘you’re telling me I’m defective’ way. I did a lot of reassuring in that conversation too.

I'm really struggling right now. I have some family issues, and DW has said some things that have really hurt.

I've prided myself on having an 'off' switch regarding my emotions. Right now it's jammed in the 'on' position and nothing I can do will shift it. So I'm taking to be really careful what I say, and do. I find myself second-guessing every reaction I have. I'm feeling like I've been winded.

What DW thinks she sees is me simply being unreasonable.

@TomPinch you've been the voice of reason and calm for so long on these threads.

Remember to take some time for yourself once in awhile.