Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Yes. This x1000. Can I join you all, please? I'm currently in couples counselling with my partner of a year and a half who I am convinced has ASD. I think I have ADHD which I suppose I naively thought meant we'd sort of rub along okay together but it's just lots of me crying because he seems cold or I feel lonely and him telling me/implying I'm being silly and should get over my feelings and be logical.
It's soul destroying.

The loneliness of bringing up an autistic child, within a marriage where I get almost none of my own needs met is the hardest part for me.

I think me, DH and DS are all autistic. I didn’t think I was, but I’ve met a lot of adult female autistics and everything they describe, I have and more. And yet I seem to be the one accommodating everyone else, all of the time.

I’m exhausted, tired, lonely and feel quite unloved. Except from DS, who is ‘significantly’ autistic and yet so warm, giving and loving. DH switched off his love for me as soon as I had moved in and we were married. He actually said that he didn’t have to go out and do nice things, or even bother much as I was ‘there all the time now’.

I’m leaving the relationship soon. I would have gone before but I worried about DS and safeguarding. DH and his family did not take adequate care of DS who is very vulnerable. I think it helped to stay for a while, DH is now far more clued into the DS and has been really great with him.

We went to counseling, which did help for a while. The counsellor did say that DH had several issues which he needed individual therapy for, such as demeaning our relationship and treating me like the wallpaper. It temporarily jolted DH as he always saw himself as a great husband, but he quickly just went back to not valuing our marriage at all.

I don’t know who is at fault anymore. But I do know that I am taking on the lion share of accommodating and supporting DS with complex needs. DH gets his needs met (he makes sure of it and started several affairs). But I am not getting my own needs met!

My priority is DS at the moment but someday soon I hope to have my own better life - how do I make sure that my next marriage is fulfilling, loving and equal? I was completely duped with DH, I thought I’d found the best man ever, and truly I still find it hard to believe I made a wrong choice as he seemed to suit me so well, and seemed to be so caring and into me.

you are thinking about a next marriage @SpringCherryTrees ? Why?

if I leave I’ll not remarry. My judgement of good husband materiL
is unreliable and I want to live alone. I’ll maybe go and shag someone/s but they can have their place and I’ll have my lovely wee oasis if mine.

@Daftasabroom are you ok?

I wish I was astonished at how many of us have autoimmune disease in these marriages but sadly I can't be. The more I read about the role of chronic stress in AI illnesses, it seems almost inevitable. And yes, high marital conflict is part of that chronic stress.

I'm feeling better now than a few days ago, but - jeepers - the reactions I was having. Scary.

I also have autoimmune disease - came up just months after we moved in together!

and ADHD, seemingly also common.

What I am feeling sad about is the fact for my own safety/health, I had to find ways to be calmer. And that meant distancing myself from DH so I wasn’t as affected by some of his reactions.

That kills love too.

To all those asking about the debobbling. It was just the most random displacement activity.

So far context. We have a bedroom so full of DWs junk we can't fully open or close the door, we have ottomans that haven't been opened for years. We have piles of unread magazines going back over a decade. We regularly fall out over DWs hoarding.

It just felt a bit surreal.

@Daftasabroom yep displacement activity. Like when DH decides to go and cut the lawn just before guests arrive and I’m running around like a headless chicken sorting everything out.
But I’m not allowed to be grumpy about it because it’s something that needs doing…
Tbf i think a lot of NT men do that too!

@SpecialMangeTout definitely something I think we all prone to but in almost 25 years together I'm not sure I've seen her debobble anything, it was like something out of a comedy sketch.

(To be fair I did start vacuuming the house when she went into labour and the hospital told us to wait)

Can I dip into this thread and ask for some advice? DH has been diagnosed with autism. He's lovely in many ways and this is the first time i have really struggled.

I've got a neuromuscular disorder (automimmune) and have been ill for the last few months , often mainly bedbound. And it's like DH has to be ill too. So if I lie on the sofa he will just lie down too all day. Sometimes he even mimics the speech impediment the disorder gives me (it affects my speech muscles). I don't think he does it to be hurtful, just to join in almost? But the result is a house that looks like it's lived in by two very disabled people not one, and a miserable dog who gets tiny walks (I am trying to book the dog walker more but DH always says he's going to do it and then puts it off more and more)

I desperately want to be well, and doing stuff, I've climbed the career professionally while running a busy home. It's so against my nature to be lying around. And it just feels compounded by DH doing it too. But I feel mean trying to highlight this behaviour when I think in his head it's fair that if I am lying about all day then he should be too

(Nb I do still work full time , thankfully it's a fully desk based job and can be done from home - but even sitting up to work means I have to lie down the rest of the time as my neck is so weak)

(nb he was diagnosed some years ago, it's not a recent diagnosis, it's just generally we have ticked along ok. The only other time it was really tough was when my son (then 9) was going through something really hard and having anxiety attacks and DH would have to have an anxiety attack at the same time . But thankfully we saw a couple's therapist and she managed to get through to him how unacceptable this was)

😋

Apologies for the stupid emoji thing! No idea where that came from!

We do have a cleaner who comes twice a week thankfully, that's our saving grace. But it also I guess it also enables DH to literally park his butt on the sofa and do nothing (the garden is a state, the house is clean but a state, the dog gets a miserably short turn round the block.).

I'd love to get an electric wheelchair so I could take the dog out at least but they are £££ and I am hoping my meds will work soon. (My arms are weaker even than my legs so manual or mobility scooter no good)

We are seeing the therapist soon, we have sessions around once a month. But I guess I wanted to try and make sense of whether this might be an ASD thing and get my head round it a bit before even bringing it up

@SweetSakura i am also ill, spending most of my days lying down (usually in my recliner).

I found it took a LONG time for DH to realise that when I’m saying I am ill, I can’t do things and I need your help I REALLY meant that.

Someone on the previous thread said it was because we mean everything to our DH and it’s extremely scary to them to acknowledge we are deeply unwell. I’m nit sure if this is true or not.

But the fact he reacted exactly the same way with your dc makes me wonder if this isn’t some sort of coping mechanism for him.

From the way my dh behaved, I’m also wondering if he actually understand what being chronically ill means. I know my DH had this idea that being ill means in bed with a fever. He couldn’t grasp that you can be seriously ill and still be trying to work and participate in everyday life.
(I think the penny only really dropped when I had to stamp work completely).

Tbh I would look at increasing the counselling session to weekly again to sort that out.

Btw I know electric wheelchairs are expensive. I’ve just ought one after spending months years hoping I would be better and actually wouldn’t need it.
In reality, this has been the best thing I’ve ever done. It has given me some freedom back and was the best thing I did for myself.

He couldn’t grasp that you can be seriously ill and still be trying to work and participate in everyday life.

Similar experience. He'd also push the children to go to school when they were really ill and needed to be in bed. He couldn't cope with me being ill, to the point that he refused for some time to take me to hospital when I had septacaemia in pregnancy. He just can't cope with sickness at all.

@SweetSakura I am a bit of a lurker on these threads and always feel a bit guilty as I am autistic as well as my partner and I worry it will depress me to see what I am like to live with but your post has brought me out of lurking.

My partner is exactly like this and it drives me mad. I also have a severe chronic autoimmune condition (which fluctuates) and also just the usual aches/pains/ colds etc that everyone has. I try to never mention when I am suffering as DH just copies me- like you say I don't think he realises. I just for once want to say I AM SICK and for him to say OK I WILL LOOK AFTER YOU and just crack on with maintaining the house and look after kids etc. Instead he totally matches my energy and nothing gets done which is even more stressful. My partner has had "the same" as me when I have sore stomach (period pain) and other things he can't possibly have. I used to get so angry but now I am just frustrated and sad- he can't seem to help it.

But about the other stuff. I have done the same as many of you and completely separated myself from my partner, I really expect nothing from him. He is a nice man, but I have given up hoping he may change. I don't want to separate and We have a nice life and are happy enough in as much as we are friends. It took a breakdown to find myself and to realise this.

I have to say though that it seems so hopeless but it doesn't have to be. Since my own DX four years ago I have done so much work to make my life work for me, to understand the part I play in relationships/friendships and how to communicate better. I carry the whole weight of the house and kids, it is possible for autistic people to function and do all this shit, we just have to build in breaks/space/be clear about what we need (i.e. say I need to be alone for an hour but not just walk out of the room and drop all responsibility) so all the (generally) men partners on this thread just make me angry that they are not managing their condition better and letting it affect everyone so much. It is no wonder we all have health issues. I read the Gabor Mate book When the Body Says No and wept. Managing everyones emotions and keeping all the plates spinning is actually killing me.

Yes exactly this here as well, it is so difficult to understand.

I had to step in when he was moaning that FIL wasn’t moving and how he would feel so much better if he was trying to walk a bit.
FIL was dying of cancer….

I reminded him that his dad was NEVER the type if person who would just sit and do nothing. So if he was, then it was because he couldn’t possibly do anything else.

In that case, I’m sure it was a way to avoid facing reality.