Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

@bunhead1979 THANK YOU for sharing your experience!

And YY to Gabor Mate too.
Its insidious and you always realise how much you are carrying until your body forces you to stop.

From your experience, do you think the fact some autistic men aren’t managing their issues better is a ‘man thing’?
Ive been wondering about the fact autism can present in very different ways in men and women. And the fact they will be influenced by upbringing and our paternalist society (aka some of it is basically sexist shit)

In that case, I’m sure it was a way to avoid facing reality I think the same.

@bunhead1979 your post was very moving. The strain and the price you are paying is clearly so high. Are your children young still? It does get easier as they get older and more independent in most cases. There is a high price for hanging on in there, but it -does- get better.

From your experience, do you think the fact some autistic men aren’t managing their issues better is a ‘man thing’?

I do yes.

@SpecialMangeTout yes I do think its a man thing. I find it really hard to discuss this with my NT friends about their NT partners cause they all say "all men are like that"- and to an extent I agree, but this is a deeper level I feel, the complete lack of empathy and compassion and all the stubbornness.

I am sure there are things that are annoying and difficult about me, but I'm always willing to hear about them and consider how I can change things or make a plan to work better or communicate more clearly or work better with the other person. My partner hates communicating about his actions, he always hears it as an attack and shuts down.

I feel like if I shut down or drop everything there is no one else to pick it up but if he drops everything I will pick it up. If we didn't have kids it wouldn't matter, but I want them to have a nice life and a stable, clean, healthy home, so I won't drop stuff (the cost being I burn out). There is no incentive for him to change.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar thank you- yes agree. My kids are teens now (both ND as well so more dependent that average kids but getting on great all the same, as they have been brought up learning how to manage their conditions, not being punished for being different, communicating their needs clearly etc). In the younger years it was harder to break away, but now I can safely leave them all together. In past years I didn't trust DH to look after the kids properly or manage his emotions and their emotions. Yes sounds like I am gatekeeping, but that was something that was really important to me that they had a home where they ALWAYS felt safe and well cared for.

That sounds really hard, I don't think you are being harsh though, both of your feelings and likes/dislikes are valid. My suggestion is to approach things together, collaborative problem solving. So look at the issues as a joint problem but with no blame. You both say what you need and you make a plan to make that for you both. So your priority of needing down time, has to balance with her need of spending time together, if you set an expectation together she is less likely to feel abandoned. Don't approach it as "I need time away from you" so much as "I need time alone to pursue my own interests". My Dh takes everything personally so I know how hard this is. But its better to get in early and make a plan before you break cause you are managing everyones emotions.

@bunhead1979 so all the (generally) men partners on this thread just make me angry that they are not managing their condition better

I often wonder how much social expectations and preconceptions affect these kind of stereotypical roles. Is it just something people fall into because it appears acceptable? (I'm not saying it is acceptable).

I agree @bunhead1979 .

@Eas1lyd1stracted I think talking about needs is the way to go - how can you ensure that BOTH your needs are met. And then being very open and clear about what you need.
I think the sticking point is around knowing what your needs are and being aware of them.

Does your partner have enough self awareness to know what she needs and to realise how she currently deals with overwhelm (eg talking about her special interests etc…)? My dh has little awareness so it makes it harder to have any conversation…

@SpecialMangeTout your phrase "he totally matches my energy" has been spinning round in my head all day. That is exactly it. It's like he mirrors it. Sometimes I crack and try and push through the numbness of my limbs (even though this is dangerous) and all of a sudden he jumps up and starts doing jobs too !

On a separate note, if you felt like sharing what electric wheelchair you got /any tips I would love to hear. I think I might have to take the plunge as I feel so helpless when the dog doesn't even get a walk

@Eas1lyd1stracted you must not apologise or feel bad for needing time on your own. DH and I spent a lot of time discussing this at therapy and he is getting better. It didn't used to be so noticeable before I was ill, as I would go for a walk or a swim to get headspace, but when I want peace to read he used to come in about 50 times in an hour asking different questions, now it's down to a handful of times so I can see he is trying!

If that’s ok I can send you a DM about the EWC so I don’t clutter this thread?

Yes please that would be great thank you @SpecialMangeTout

@CaloriesShmalories

I wish there was a 'like' button

I'm autistic. I do not HAVE autism.

Hi, I need some advice and support. My AS husband has taken to living in his bedroom for the last few weeks following a coversation I had with him where I told him I was lonely in our relationship. He seems to have taken that as me saying I am annoyed by him therefore he's keeping out of the way. I have pretty much given up and have made no effort to talk to him anymore about it.
However today I have had some worrying news and I am being fast tracked by the doctors for breast cancer diagnosis. I can't bring myself to speak to him about it as he will shut down and not be able to give any support.
Should I try to speak to him or not? Just keep thinking I will feel worse afterwards instead of better.

Done

I think the problem is the awareness dips when she's in pain. Also this particular special interest phase involves rewatching tv I don't like, starting conversations about things she would like me to do and then zoning out of the reply and shushing me when there is an interesting bit 🤣 we usually have a bank of jokey phrases we use circumstances which are difficult. Need a new one for this I think. Usual special interest is quietly doing cross stitch or lego in the office. Unfortunately that doesnt work when you cant really move. Plus the giant squillion pound Harry Potter lego castle is just complete

I'm really sorry to hear this, please feel you can talk here if you can't elsewhere. I went through the same about a year ago, I didn't tell my partner either cause I couldn't think of what good would come from it. I needed him to be strong and capable and if he knew I was struggling, he would struggle as well which would be really unhelpful, I didn't have the emotional space to deal with him as well as me.

People who I confided in afterwards were shocked I'd not told him and told me I should have, but honestly I could see no benefit. I thought well if I do have cancer there will be a plan put in place and we can deal with it together from that point, before that he would have been hopeless.

Of course it's up to you but you know him best. I would suggest trying to deal with the whole "in his bedroom" thing (ffs!) but honestly you just need to take care of yourself just now. He is not your responsibility, your comment was totally valid, its not your fault he has reacted in this way.

@classicslove you must be so worried. Do you have anyone in RL that you can talk to about it? Friend, family member?

I think you’re right about him nit being able to emotionally support you. I can also see why you are worried you’ll just get hurt again if/when you tell him.
On the other side, he is your DH…..

How do you think he would react to an email explaining what’s going on? And you could also state what would be helpful for him/set expectations?

Its a difficult one, because of course sometimes you want company and a chat with your partner too. So it's like asking for two opposite things. And you don't always want chat about boats, bridges and Henry the 8th.

but honestly you just need to take care of yourself just now. He is not your responsibility

As my therapist said ‘it’s his anger, his feeling. There is nothing you can do to change those or to help him deal with them’.
I keep that in mind so avoid trying to rescue him all the time and run myself down emotionally.

That sounds really tough. I hope you get the best news you can in the circumstance.

Reminds me of when my wife wouldn't give me space when we disagreed and it really annoyed me. She then started disappearing immediately and not talking when we even very mildly disagreed or even had a different opinion. She thought she was doing what I asked which to be fair she kind of was.

To be honest I don't think I would be able to resolve an ongoing problem like that whilst trying to share what's going on at the same time. I'd have to have the disappearing situation resolved first because it would just be too mentally and physically exhaustion to manage both. You know your husband though and how good he is at empathy and its difficult to generalise how best to deal with it. Do you have other good support? Is anyone able to help you tell him if you do decide to share?

If I expected and unsupportive and cold response I'd probably only share the news when necessary.

@BlueTick Yesterday 21:54
@Fidelius So true. It’s safer not to share. That was the conclusion I came to. I have exactly the same response from DH if I share exciting news - a complete non-reaction. Blank face.
I lurk and don't post often, but a lot of the posts in the last 24 hours are close replicas of what's going on here. Exciting news, or sad news, or any news really, is met with just a quiet mmm-hmmm. I'm trying to do more things for myself out of the house but then I get a barrage of questions about what/where/who etc and personally I'd rather keep that "me" stuff for me as it's the only way I can try to re-find "me". It doesn't feel malicious from him, but the end effect on me is the same. I need to remember what @SpecialMangeTout said (thank you!) that his response is his problem and I need to take care of my side of the street.

@classicslove My AS husband has taken to living in his bedroom for the last few weeks following a conversation I had with him where I told him I was lonely in our relationship. He seems to have taken that as me saying I am annoyed by him therefore he's keeping out of the way. I have pretty much given up and have made no effort to talk to him anymore about it.
Mine is very defensive when I talk about loneliness too, and he is trying to avoid me now. I get that it's a difficult thing for him to hear, but it's my reality and I can't keep going as I was for any longer. Something has to change.
I'm so sorry about your health scare. How quickly might the next step be? If fast-track means very quick, then maybe wait until you hear more before you say anything to your husband, but please trust a friend or two to share it with now. Holding that news on your own is a massive burden.

Not my partner but my brother in law who often lives with us. How would we best approach with him to be assessed? Would it benefit him to find out at 36? He cannot read or write and social interactions are extremely challenging and we often upset him with no intent. He’s extremely sensitive and will have firey outbursts so we try to keep the peace. Even on this thread I’ve seen people offended by the how we should or shouldn’t structure our language and it’s all so confusing when no one means any badness

@Prisonbreak I wouldn’t worry too much about the vocabulary. Not because it’s not important but because so far there is no consensus about it within the autistic community.

re your BIL, having a diagnosis would help him even at 36yo.
The thing is I’m not sure what sort of support you/he will be able to access as an adult. Maybe post in the SN thread. You might find posters with more knowledge around that subject.