Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 8

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of mixed NT/ND partnerships. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. (ASD partners welcome to lurk or pop in, but please don't argue with other posters and tell them they are wrong)

Link to previous thread

Huge congratulations to her and you @classicslove ! All the best

Congranulations @classicslove !!

Congratulations @classicslove ! 💐👣

Congratulations to you and your daughter @classicslove

Thank you everbody for your messages, he's so lovely!!!!
It's so great having something so special to celebrate. No room for worries tonight x

That's lovely to read :-) Congratulations to you all!

@ViewFromAfar it's tough, we get that. I totally get the patience thing, we've just had the first strop of the day, actually first two strops. It's going to be a long day. It's also lonely and exhausting.

Does anybody else's partner have obsessive and compulsive behaviors or traits?

I usually lurk on here (sadly I've been lurking on these threads for many years and I have posted on and off over the years but not recently).

I wanted to post to congratulate @classicslove on the lovely news of a beautiful grandson 😊💕💐 How lovely to get to have cuddles with your very own grandson! I hope everyone is alright and I hope you enjoy every minute. x

As I mentioned in the previous message, I've been on these boards on and off over the years (been married to a man diagnosed with AS around 12 years ago, married over 20 years 😕).

I could have written pretty much every post on here. In many ways I'd like to split up but the upheaval for the children right now just wouldn't be fair I think.

Please could anyone recommend any resources that might be helpful for my children (they're both teens), like books or websites, support groups etc.? My dd sees a therapist but it's been a bit disappointing and hasn't really been much help (I don't think the therapist has much understanding of autism or certainly not what it's like to grow up with an autistic father).

Both children often tell me they feel like he's not really their father - obviously they know he is but it feels like he's just some man who they pass in the corridor.

Thanks 🙂

This is another post where I think hmm am I harsh or maybe I'm just lucky with my partner. But I I just wouldn't consider not working from my home because she wanted alone time. There are some things which are just absolute nos for me and that would be one. The response from me would be if you want alone time you will need to go somewhere else in the house or out. I think me having things which are absolute no and I feel zero guilt over helps us have an equal in different ways relationship.

We don't go out in the week after work 99% of the time. It's just not worth the stress for both of us. There's nothing left after work and it has a knock on effect. Although we do go round to our best friends over the road or to her parents but not 'out out'. To the point that if there's a special event we want to go to in the evening we try and take the day off. We plan to watch a set show together on a Friday night and call it date night and eat our favourite (completely different) foods.

Today my wife and I have got up, weve done part of the mortgage application and some chores and watched a bit of TV. She slept horrendously due to pain so now we've had a cuddle and she's back to bed. I know I'll see her for Britain's Got Talent tonight. We just reduce expectations. I've done all the mortgage and house stuff so far as she doesn't know how it all works. But even though she was knackered she make sure to get me some favourite foods last night. I think its reasonable for both to play to their different strengths and expect some back and forth. Thats what makes a relationship.

I also worked out a while ago that when my wife is exhausted she loses her verbal skills and can't talk about stuff. There's no point encouraging her she's better going off to wind down and come back when she's recovered.

I make it sound like it's all roses in the garden, it was actually learned the hard way, some pre diagnosis. We moved in very early in our relationship as lock down was hitting and it was basically move in or don't see each other. I spent so much energy trying to reason and discuss things but our verbal and emotional reasoning skills aren't the same, particularly during a disagreement. So we worked out a difficult way of doing things. To the point if she's that done in I say 'squeak if' and give her a multiple choice and I get a squeak about which thing is the problem. Which anyone seeing her on form at work would think was just plain bizarre and a real shock but it really isn't anyone else's business.

Are there things your partner does in return that balance things out as she's better at them? My partner is a domestic goddess when she's had enough sleep for example, does a mean roast and is very good at organisation and not being late. So she contributes that. And spends and embarrassing amount of time finding stuff I've lost.

Yep. Largely these are managed at the moment. My wife does 'her checks' of security of the building involving trying door handles a lot, making sure the cooker is off so we don't burn to death and checking for spiders and flies. This includes checking any door I've locked at the end of the day including the car, double locking the door in a way I'd prefer she didn't as it has to be unlocked from the front to leave and checking I've turned off the cooker. The cooker check involves spinning the dials in a way that is more likely to leave the knob although she never has. Took ages to work out what she was doing as she was trying to hide it and I used to get annoyed at her checking up on me. Now I just let her get ok with it and she's stopped doing it so much. It's anxiety and phobia related.

@Eas1lyd1stracted yep. Anxiety is such a common thread.

@Daftasabroom I think its almost impossible to be autistic in modern society without anxiety. Particularly undiagnosed autism. My wife had the anxiety, depression and phobia diagnoses first. I think that's probably a gendered response to autism in the medical world (and also that she's the Queen of masking). My friend just came over with some boxes for us and I tried to open the door while holding said dog and realised it was still locked. Luckily I didn't drop him. We had an if you insist on locking the door you have to unlock it deal but that seems to have gone out the window

Does anybody else's partner have obsessive and compulsive behaviors or traits?

My ex didn't; probably I was more obsessive about drinking tea!

@SnapCackleFlop I haven't looked up advice actually. What I have done is consistently say that their father loves them and shows it by doing stuff with them (the old thing "love for a child is spelled T I M E".

Where things have gone very wrong, I've tried to explain that Papa loves them dearly but the way his brain works is that he does not always realise the best way to do things. So on the occasions where he's not listened to them at ALL, I try to listen to them when they are at mine and talking about it, and reassure them that indeed it is difficult, just as some of my habits are difficult, and that the best thing to do is remember that he loves them and for them to think for themselves if XXX behaviour is a good way to handle the situation, or if (when they are older) there can be a better way.

It seems to work so far, mainly because he -does- love them and they know it, even if there is frankly damage from the inability to listen and respond to them sensitively.

From what you imply your husband does not spend much time with them? If it feels like he is just a stranger they pass in the corridor?

Might he do more with them when they are older?

The key here, either way, is to listen to them and love them and give them time. The very very experienced assessor we saw said that if one parent gives a child even just enough tangible security, love, healthy boundaries and time, that can be enough for the child to grow up happy.

@ReleaseTheDucksOfWar Thank you so much for your thoughtful message 🙂 You've given me plenty to think about.

I worry so much about everything and somehow feel responsible for the way DH is too (like it's my fault for marrying him and my job to make up for it with the children or something).

A friend in a successful marriage with an autistic partner used to feel the same. They went to (specialized) counselling and it helped her step back from feeling responsible for him and when he kinda put his foot in it.

Because it wasn't her responsibility, how he acted, and it isn't yours .

@Eas1lyd1stracted

I think its almost impossible to be autistic in modern society without anxiety

❤️ thank you so much for recognising this.

Just checking in to say what a comfort these threads are. Thank you.
OMG The. Lack. Of. Self. Awareness. The inability to apologize, ever.
I know in many ways DH is not a bad person, not at all, but other times I swear he's a massive, arrogant, childish prick.
There. I feel a bit better now. Sorry.

I feel responsible to both my children for the damage that my DHs over critical, controlling and empathy free parenting has caused them both. I feel guilty for not leaving.
This.

My older kid has actually asked me in the past why i was with dh. I was as honest as I could be without saying “i stay because of you”. I explained that dh is like that cause of x, y, z, is a good man but who faces challenges etc

my partners obsessive behaviour is researching hobbies and then buying all the equipment for them, its all consuming for him. Then on to the next hobby.