OLD. My goodness grief.

[Joewessex]

Evening evening and I hope you all had a nice Easter weekend.

if possible, I’d like to get a perspective of OLD from women.

if I’m honest, I find it hideous. Hideous in that it’s soul destroying. Whilst that sounds dramatic, I’m at my wits end wondering what I’m doing wrong.

Match after match and lots of silence. I don’t get why people are on it.

I thought I was a handsome guy, I’m definitely fit as I gym enough to have a body to show for it but I’m thinking something is wrong with my approach. I’m 47, no kids (I can’t have them) and I’ve been single 18 months. I’ve had a dozen dates but it just feels flat. One was quite amazing but she announced she was still married and with her ex at the date.

Im educated, dress well and have the usual stuff like my own home and a decent career. But finding a partner seems to be impossible nowadays. It used to be fun.

I do get out and about as I kayak, row, gym, climb and paddleboard etc but nothing comes of things nowadays. I’m a little bit shy so my confidence isn’t all there all the time but I soon warm up.

Any advice?

thank you ☺️

It's the age thing that puts me off. Men who are only looking at matches who are younger. It makes me think you're shallow and that I'd have an expiry date. Unless you want kids obviously, then I get it I guess.

See, you're funny. Play to that. I like that you're held together by freckles. Good humour comes through and you'd get a swipe in whatever the right direction is for your humour. If I dated.

The vulnerable bit was the only thing that I felt a bit meh about

Saying that I've been single for 5 years and spent all of 10 mins on bumble a few years ago before giving up on the whole thing!

I tried OLD a few years back and was completely clueless. I hated all my photos so put a couple of really nice ones on that were ten years old! (Apparently a no no😁). I met up with about half a dozen guys (coffee in a cafe type stuff) and luckily no one guessed the photos were old. I realised that I didn’t actually want to date anyone though and just focused on bringing up my children instead. I know several people who met their long term partners on OLD so I know it certainly can work. I much prefer the traditional way of meeting someone in real life because if you meet in real life and click you don’t really care about height range to within an inch or age range to within a year, favourite tv shows or their bad dress sense etc.

Good luck though OP, (got no advice).

The age range whilst set is open. It isn’t mandatory so I just set it as a guide I guess.

I'm really really surprised no PPs have picked up on the I'm genuine part of your profile.

I was online on and off for about 6 years, and the "I'm genuine" part of a profile was an instant swipe left. Ooooh you've said your genuine, so you must be!!

I had probably nearly 200 dates over the years. All appeared to be normal people. But turns out I'm exceeding fussy! Who knew?

Anyway I was online, as I now have a boyfriend! Whoop whoop! And I didn't even swipe right on him, it was my friend accidentally.

I would never have swiped right on him as he didn't have anything in his profile, he only had one picture and he lived too far away.

So what's in saying OP is it's just a numbers game. Some get lucky within the first few dates, some (like me) are on it for years!

You say you've matched and had a dozen dates...that's pretty good going. There's a few bits in your profile that might put me off but nothing major.
I think the problem could be your expectations. So you match with someone and conversation doesn't happen or goes no where....that's the same as meeting eyes with someone in a bar or someone telling you Sara from accounts lives redheads. It doesn't necessarily mean they're up for a date now, this minute. Many women have childcare to consider too. They might want to chat for quite a while before they meet up. They might also have had 6 months of meh dating and are intending to give it a break for a bit, or on 4th date and about to delete. They're all different.
You don't give your age, or the age range you're looking for. Youth and beauty attract a premium so if you're looking for women 10 years younger you might struggle. Your lifestyle might be seen as incompatible with family life so that rules out young women who would like a family and mature women who have a family. Remember when you are 'selecting' women you assume you are the buyer. Many women aren't trying to sell themselves, they're considering buying.

What's happening on these dates so they're not going further. If you've had lots of 1st dates but not 2nds there's a common denominator. You. Do you try too hard to impress. Do you try desperately to come across as Mr Nice Guy? Vulnerable isn't an attractive word in a bio (to me). Hearing about how an ex broke your heart sobyoud never cheat means nothing. Read some articles about Nice Guys. We have! They are often incredibly entitled and get angry at rejection especially when in their opinion she should be 'lucky' to have you.
So if you're not Mr Nice Guy could you be Mr Cocky?

In short most people are frustrated with dating in general, everywhere!

@Joewessex

Hi, not looking myself, but found your thread interesting. I read your OP and thought, wow, he sounds like a nice genuine guy, and what every woman on Mumsnet complaining about the dickheads on OLD are searching for! I wonder why he's struggling?

I'm a nice, normal 40yr old. And I would (theoretically) date you from your OP.

Then I read your subsequent post about what you'd actually written in your profile and see exactly why you're struggling. Oh, fucketh no. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but I would gloss straight past that with the ick.

I'm not too hot with words and how to phrase things, so apologies for not giving recommendations on what to write instead, but I can categorically say, I would absolutely date the man who wrote the OP, and cringe and hide from the guy who wrote the profile text. Make the latter like the former.

The vulnerable bit sounds like you’ve watched too much MAFS.

Love this.

Genuine vs what I think I should sound like.

I’d agree that your profile blurb does not advertise the product within well AT ALL. There’s a big disparity between your posts and that piece of writing.

Do you know what you are after on OLD because you have written a lot but you haven't really told us anything. You like sports, is that important to you? Are you also after a girl into those sports, or are you happy to have your own hobbies and shared interests elsewhere? If so, how else do you spend your free-time? What things are you really into? You have never been married and have no kids, do you mind meeting someone with kids? Because as a divorced single-mum, if there is a good-looking guy who is into high-energy, very time-consuming activities or does a lot of travelling to child-unfriendly locations, then I will automatically swipe left because I will assume they will not be content with typical family lifestyles. And I just wonder if from your disappointing dates, it's because you haven't really thought about what you want are hoping to get out of this.

Just my opinion but...
Describing yourself as a 'gent' conjures up images of 1980s night club doormen. It sounds old fashioned and like you might be a bit sexist.
I don't like the 'vulnerable'. It makes me think you're either a wet lettuce or trying to sound sensitive because you think it's what women like. The sea/wind thing sounds a bit try hard. The freckles/moonlight is the best bit.
I'd suggest a larger dose of self deprecating humour and lose some of the so generic it says nothing parts about 'romance', 'sunsets' etc.

I think this all sounds okay, a lot better than I saw and read before I gave up on OLD.
It could depend on the app and the area you are in? I think some apps have more traction than others. I felt safer on Hinge but it just wasn't that well used for my age bracket in my location when I was on it. I'd put in different areas to be nosey and got loads more back in the search. Just a thought!

Oh, and I'd also suggest that you picture the sort of woman you're trying to sell yourself to, as different writing/content works for different audiences. Your profile seems to be trying to appeal to everyone and has ended up not really grabbing anyone.

6”1’, and tons of fun?! 😃

I think how you write here is charming, self-deprecating, nice. I like nice; that’s not a bad thing.

I think it’s a numbers game, and a lot of luck.

Your profile sounds good to me, and I’d recommend just carrying on being yourself. None of us are for everyone, and someone compatible will be along as long as you’re still trying, on OLD and RL.

If I were being really brutal, I’d probably lose the references to alcohol, the hikes, the vulnerable thing. Reference to your mother is fine by me. Love the freckles and moonlight tan. I like the gent aspect too.

Quite how handsome are you? And how fit? Maybe you’re too handsome, and too fit?
I agree with a Pp re the age range – is that on your profile? I do tend to think men who only want a younger woman are a bit off.

You sound pretty much like a great catch.

Tell us more about what you’re looking for in a woman.

Very best of luck.

Some traits of character need to be defined by people who know you, not by yourself.

Whether you're "genuine", "a gentleman" or a "good guy" is not for you to say, so many women instinctively distrust the ones who define themselves in that way. A really humble person would never describe themselves as humble, would they?

What do you want from life? What specific things have you done recently that go with the hobbies you describe (I actually do love hiking, and before I signed off every OLD account in horror I used to be fed up with guys who said in their profile that they loved hiking, but when you asked them you found out that the last time they had actually hiked was in 1998). When was the last time you watched a sunset? Describe some of the actual things you've done, so you sound more real, and not like every other profile.

Why do you only look at younger women? I would find that a turnoff. Women like men their age. I personally like men my age and a bit younger. Look around you at most couples, they are the same age. Guys who assume they are going to appeal to women 8 years or more younger put me off instantly, I tend to think they watch too many Hollywood movies. When people meet in real life, without that age knowledge, they often choose people closer to their age.

Having said that though, OLD is a meat market, especially in the last 5-8 years. I realised when I came off it that it had make me look at men in a more negative way (because many men who do OLD are horrible, and they tend to be the ones who stay on it for years and years). Now that I am meeting men in real life the balance has been restored, and what a relief!

Good questions.

i guess I’m looking to share my life with someone and everything that it brings with it such a being in love and being there for one another. Kids or no kids. We all have our own lives that we bring to the party.

I’ve filled my life with activities as I’m not a fan of sitting home alone all the time - I start doing DIY. So my outdoor activities are just my way of keeping busy. But the gym and healthy living are my church, keep me sane and healthy.

The woman I’d like to meet needs to be full of spirit and have a bit of her own thing going on that can complement mine if that’s possible . But sometimes, worlds collide and that’s fun too. You can’t beat intimacy and I’m tactile so cuddles are very much welcomed.

I’m quite independent and love my own space to think and get work stuff out of my mind and sometimes I need to just be left for an hour to process things. I have a very demanding job that like to leave at work. So the gym helps with this, it’s Joe time.

The gentleman bit is me saying I’m polite and have decent moral standards. Body wise I do have a muscular body but I work hard at that but I’m not looking for someone to gym like me, it’s just my thing.

I'm spontaneous and romantic and I do like to the dating stuff like lovely meals at restaurants and falling for each other. I guess I want a lot don’t I.

Permission to rewrite it please?

6'1, fit, cultured, active and a gent.

I like the finer things, getting muddy on hikes & I enjoy the sea on whatever the wind and tide will allow.

Not a total fitness freak, so I enjoy a good whiskey, vodka or glass of fizz to balance it out.

I am considerate, genuine and looking for a real relationship. Sunsets, long days out together and really getting to know each other.

I'm held together by freckles and burn in the moonlight so factor 50 all the way.

If you were a bit closer, I’d swipe right, however… my friend and I, both mid 40s, outdoorsy, professional and dare I say it, attractive, were talking today about the dearth that is OLD and said we are going to join a walking group, or take some camping trips in the hope of meeting actual people with an actual connection.
OLD seems to breed cynicism and laziness. What are your options for ‘getting out there’?
I’ve seen some OLD successes but I think they are few and far between.

This is much better. Thank you. i love how you have blended parts to make it come across better.

Your penultimate message (about what you want) is the best thing you have written.

Can you shorten it and use it on your profile?

You’re using too many cliches: ‘gent’, ‘vulnerable’, sunsets, finer things. It doesn’t sound at all personal and just sounds naff. You need to show your true self.

Just pare down your reply to @TheNefariousOrange and you've nailed it in tone and content.

Wtf does "I'm all there" actually mean?

Show, don't tell. So don't say, "I'm hilarious," say something that's actually funny.

Claims like "I'm a gent" or "I'm genuine" are pretty meaningless as no-one is going to say they're fake.

Not sure why anyone would care what factor sunscreen you use.

Otherwise it's great...