OLD. My goodness grief.

[Joewessex]

Evening evening and I hope you all had a nice Easter weekend.

if possible, I’d like to get a perspective of OLD from women.

if I’m honest, I find it hideous. Hideous in that it’s soul destroying. Whilst that sounds dramatic, I’m at my wits end wondering what I’m doing wrong.

Match after match and lots of silence. I don’t get why people are on it.

I thought I was a handsome guy, I’m definitely fit as I gym enough to have a body to show for it but I’m thinking something is wrong with my approach. I’m 47, no kids (I can’t have them) and I’ve been single 18 months. I’ve had a dozen dates but it just feels flat. One was quite amazing but she announced she was still married and with her ex at the date.

Im educated, dress well and have the usual stuff like my own home and a decent career. But finding a partner seems to be impossible nowadays. It used to be fun.

I do get out and about as I kayak, row, gym, climb and paddleboard etc but nothing comes of things nowadays. I’m a little bit shy so my confidence isn’t all there all the time but I soon warm up.

Any advice?

thank you ☺️

I know it's horrible but my icks on OLD are references to mothers, and the words vulnerable, emotional, guns, pecks, abs, cock and bro.

It's difficult to find men who even have emotions or admit to vulnerabilities so when posts it on their profile. I immediately think, had a break down, off on stress leave, messy break up etc. I know this is horribly judgmental but as much as I shouldn't admit it, it's true.

Emotion & vulnerability are great but after the sale, but not in the advertising!!!

Also make sure you smile in your photos and have a female friend or your sister take them or at least review them.

I'm sure you won't be single for long. Best of luck.

Yes, that plus what you’ve just said above, is much better!
When I reactivate my Hinge, (when I can cope with venturing back into OLD😖) I’d send you a message if we matched, with that profile.
Good luck!

I'd definitely swipe right. Probably one of the best I've read tbh.
Plus I'm active too so this is a non negotiable for me.

I really like the sound of you in your posts here,. But I'm wondering how important to you is the 'outdoorsy' type? - as opposed to someone who just likes the sound of you based on the the rest of your profile?

I'm 36.5 and single. Alive and kicking but yet to hack OLD too.
@Joewessex You seem nice. If the profile upgrade yields little, let's go for a coffee when you're in London :)

It's been a while since I dipped in to OLD but your profile does sound a bit forced
What do you really want from someone?
I find the romance bits at my age (middle 40's) a bit naff
I don't mind the mum thing
The physical side would put me way off, feels intimidating.
Best of luck to you, I'm sure it will happen and probably where you least expect it

You sound right up my street, if I read your profile on an app I'd definitely be keen to get to know you (also single, also 47, not on dating apps as too soul destroying).

I think it could be the culture of online dating, its pretty horrible and really knocks your confidence

I've done a lot of OLD dating in the last five years and what you wrote in your last message is much more attractive than your actual profile.

Be brave and pop your pic on here, you might get lucky

If you're matching then met with silence, what line are you starting with? As they've like you enough to match, it cant always be your photo. Comments that have put me off straight away are 'how's your weekend' or comparing me to a celeb, humour that's a bit too cheeky without so much of an introduction. Subtle compliments are fine, nothing too ott. No long copy and paste essays. 'What are you looking for' questions straight away, read the profile.

Pick something about their profile, that you like and ask a question, that always goes well that you've taken the time to actually read it.

Not everyone will respond and theres no pleasing everyone but taking interest and asking the right questions should help with more replies.

A good question about whether you need to find an outdoorsy woman - I’d find your profile interesting and then read the bit about the sea with a sigh as I HATE anything to do with having to get in the water! And I’d know that I’d just feel like an unsportsy, unadventurous person next to someone who permanently had paddleboards strapped to the roof rack. Now, if you want to avoid people who hate the water that’s all well and good and we’d be a terrible match anyway, but if it’s just something you enjoy and wouldn’t mind your partner not being into, it’s worth taking out maybe? And just including some photos to show you like it? Just an idea. But overall I find it fine. The rewritten version is better-worded but I thought it was better than a lot I’ve read.

I would absolutely not swipe right on any of the profiles, either ones you’ve written or had written for you. Full of cliches - I like the finer things in life - really? like what? Getting muddy and going in the sea aren’t the finer things - they’re fun but it makes it sound like you don’t know what the finer things in life are you’re supposed to like, you’ve just seen it on other peoples profile.

drinking “whiskey, vodka or a glass of fizz” makes it sound like you’ll drink anything so…I don’t want to be horrible but it sounds like you don’t really know what you like. Pretty much stopped short of adding “blue WKD” on the end there.

put in something funny and interesting because right now it’s like 99.9% of all dating profiles. There is nothing to make you stand out from the crowd. Everyone says they’re genuine, likes keep fit, wants romance and is looking for love.

oh and saying you’re all there - if you reverse it, saying someone isn’t all there is extremely negative and an insult so either you’re referencing that or giving the impression your mam thinks you’re well endowed. Either way, it needs removing immediately

Is it just me who is dying to know how many DMs @Joewessex has had 😉

I second the paring down of the longer reply about what you really want. It sounds genuine and reflects a lot more of how you’ve come across on the thread as a whole. I’d have swiped right on that on tinder.

Only one small nit pick. “Gyming” is not a verb! But overall you write really well and that was always a big plus for me when initially chatting OLD.

Good luck OP! I’m sure you will find someone lovely.

I haven't read the thread, but why don't you try dance classes to meet people in real life ? Salsa, kizomba, bachata? Many dance places do monthly dance socials. It's a good way of meeting people in a non pressurised environment.

Sounds good to me, OP, apart from the sunsets and vulnerability bits which are a bit barfy. Also maybe take out one of the drinks, as mentioning three could make you seem like a bit of a boozer.
Good luck!

Haha! Yes! That he's not replying quickly on this thread makes me think he's fielding PMs left, right and centre. Either that, or he's busy drinking vodka on his paddle board.

Can't believe how many people don't get the 'all there' part?! Is it an age or regional thing? I'm in the NW and knew exactly what it was. I'm 35 btw! I can tell you're a full shilling! Quoting your mother had no effect for or against on me.

Your reply to TheNefariousOrange was way better than your bio (sorry!) It came across way more genuinely and thought out.

I'd read vulnerable as abit.. wet lettuce. Generally I'd want a protector or atleast someone who has a good head on their shoulders, I'd rather find out about the vulnerable part as we date, see it organically if that makes sense.

I have children, I have a generally good body, I'm not intimidated by you or your outdoor activities 😉 I'd keep them in as I can't picture you wanting a couch potato waiting at home while you're out living life! Might aswell be honest about your lifestyle!

Been a long time since I did OLD but banter is a two way thing. I'd generally ignore the 'hi, how are you,' 'some forced comment about a comment in my bio and tend to reply to the ones who spoke to me like we were already friends. I'm super playful and can give as good as I get, abit of cheek would go down a treat. But I can imagine that wouldn't work for half the other MN'ers.

Just be yourself. Don't give it all away in your profile .. but it's definitely good what you wrote about what you're looking for. I assumed you were a red head too by the freckles and pale complexion, not my cup of tea so perhaps mentioning '...despite not being a redhead' or whatever. But don't take it too personally, maybe they're all just too boring for you to bounce off and the right one will come across soon enough... Good luck, couldn't resist adding my two pennies after seeing how good your reply to TheNefariousOrange was!

No one has answered the main question.
Match after match and silence.

When I used Bumble, plenty of dates, but sesh there were definitely some matches that didn't make the first move, in the spirit of the app. Ultimately who knows why, and does it really matter?

I'm a 44yr old single mum on OLD, and although you sound lovely, I would be intimidated by how much value you attribute to outdoor sport, thinking that you'd expect the same from me/I wouldn't be able to keep up...?

I think your messages later give a much better sense of who you are, and what sort of person you'd like to meet.
I've recently started OLD again after about 12 months off, and it feels a much harsher place than before.
But you seem polite and engaging, so I'm sure you won't stay single for long

"i guess I’m looking to share my life with someone and everything that it brings with it such a being in love and being there for one another. Kids or no kids. We all have our own lives that we bring to the party.

I’ve filled my life with activities as I’m not a fan of sitting home alone all the time - I start doing DIY. So my outdoor activities are just my way of keeping busy. But the gym and healthy living are my church, keep me sane and healthy.

The woman I’d like to meet needs to be full of spirit and have a bit of her own thing going on that can complement mine if that’s possible . But sometimes, worlds collide and that’s fun too. You can’t beat intimacy and I’m tactile so cuddles are very much welcomed.

I’m quite independent and love my own space to think and get work stuff out of my mind and sometimes I need to just be left for an hour to process things. I have a very demanding job that like to leave at work. So the gym helps with this, it’s Joe time.

The gentleman bit is me saying I’m polite and have decent moral standards. Body wise I do have a muscular body but I work hard at that but I’m not looking for someone to gym like me, it’s just my thing.

I'm spontaneous and romantic and I do like to the dating stuff like lovely meals at restaurants and falling for each other. I guess I want a lot don’t I."

@Joewessex just use this. (Maybe a shorter version).. a lot better than what you originally wrote and sounds more authentic

Agree with PP that your last post was much more interesting and genuine sounding than your profile.

I'm your target age range...

You lost me at gent, in my experience, those who describe themselves as such invariably are not. Ditto those who use the word genuine. Also, your prose manages to be rather prosaic yet trying too hard.

If your dates are not going anywhere, then either your picker is off, you're just not presenting yourself in the best light, or a combination of the two.

I would rewrite completely and try to make it far more personal to you, not what you think women want to read.

Age is relative, surely. If at 47 you want to date 20 or 30 somethings, you're too old. If you're looking in your age group - 40 to 55 is typically where you'd fall in surveys - then you're fine!

There are lots of single woman in that she group, so keep looking just be a bit discerning about who you want to give your time to.

Good luck.

It would put me off that you were only looking for younger.

I’m thinking “I’m all there” doesn’t translate. My mother is Canadian and it means quick witted

I'm Canadian and live in Canada - and it doesn't mean quick witted to me. The expression "being all there" or "not all there" reads to me as having or not having mental difficulty.

But there are very different sayings/understandings in different parts of Canada so maybe it is the way your mom sees it where she lives 🤷‍♀️