Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OLD. My goodness grief.

282 replies

Joewessex · 10/04/2023 19:51

Evening evening and I hope you all had a nice Easter weekend.

if possible, I’d like to get a perspective of OLD from women.

if I’m honest, I find it hideous. Hideous in that it’s soul destroying. Whilst that sounds dramatic, I’m at my wits end wondering what I’m doing wrong.

Match after match and lots of silence. I don’t get why people are on it.

I thought I was a handsome guy, I’m definitely fit as I gym enough to have a body to show for it but I’m thinking something is wrong with my approach. I’m 47, no kids (I can’t have them) and I’ve been single 18 months. I’ve had a dozen dates but it just feels flat. One was quite amazing but she announced she was still married and with her ex at the date.

Im educated, dress well and have the usual stuff like my own home and a decent career. But finding a partner seems to be impossible nowadays. It used to be fun.

I do get out and about as I kayak, row, gym, climb and paddleboard etc but nothing comes of things nowadays. I’m a little bit shy so my confidence isn’t all there all the time but I soon warm up.

Any advice?

thank you ☺️

OP posts:
Notanothernewname · 11/04/2023 13:56

I laughed at the "she didn't put her knife and fork together" my mother used to tell us off if it wasn't at the half six position on the plate. It's like people who hold their knife and fork wrong and elbows on the table when eating (we used to get a fork in our elbow😂).

liveforsummer · 11/04/2023 14:24

I agree your profile is totally at odds with how you are coming across here. Mostly cringy and I'd expect to get a suggestive text within about 3 messages based on the writing style. The play in the sea thing to me is the worst, especially without the context of knowing you like paddle boarding etc with the second being the getting muddy. I'd assume you were opening the door to dirty innuendos (been on old too long 😆). I'd totally rewrite with your real personality and a bit of wit (that doesn't involve your mother)

Beeebeee · 11/04/2023 14:29

rewilded · 11/04/2023 13:14

So why would you expect a 34 year old to date you?

I'm 36 and actually prefer dating men ten years older just because, if they're actually grown and mature. Preferences are just what they are - preferences

Original poster
Joewessex · 11/04/2023 15:03

liveforsummer · 11/04/2023 14:24

I agree your profile is totally at odds with how you are coming across here. Mostly cringy and I'd expect to get a suggestive text within about 3 messages based on the writing style. The play in the sea thing to me is the worst, especially without the context of knowing you like paddle boarding etc with the second being the getting muddy. I'd assume you were opening the door to dirty innuendos (been on old too long 😆). I'd totally rewrite with your real personality and a bit of wit (that doesn't involve your mother)

Some of the issue is that lots of men (and some women) have made it hard work for those like me that don’t talk in sex talk or innuendos whenever there is a perceived opportunity. I don’t jump into bed on date 1/2/3 either so maybe that makes me different.

There is a place for flirty chat and what one needs to replace the banter at the bar we all used to have, but it doesn’t mean one can be degrading or filty from the outset.

OP posts:
AlexaPlaySomethingSexy · 11/04/2023 15:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

5128gap · 11/04/2023 15:38

Beeebeee · 11/04/2023 14:29

I'm 36 and actually prefer dating men ten years older just because, if they're actually grown and mature. Preferences are just what they are - preferences

Show quote history

I'm sure you'd have a queue round the block then, because unless the guy is wealthy or otherwise exceptional, you're in a minority. Also, it's all well and good at 30/40 something, but time marches on, and there's fewer mid 50s women who'd be compatible with the average 65 year old man.

gerbilcrocus · 11/04/2023 16:30

Joewessex · 11/04/2023 13:21

So we can all be in the know, I’ll be open about how the dates have gone:

  1. Lovely women with 2 kids. (48) My type but revealed on date one that she had just found out that her husband of 20 years had been having an affair for 4 years. She was very raw as it was a week ago. We are still in touch but she has a bit of a journey.
  2. Lovely (40), two kids we met in France as I was on holiday. We had 3 dates but she was a billionaires daughter and she didn’t think I was ready for “her world.”
  3. Very odd date. (42) She couldn’t even look at me she was so shy. I felt for her a lot but it wouldn’t work.
  4. Amazing date.(39) Still has the husband at home and getting divorced but we are still in touch.
  5. 3 dates in the same country pub (due to awful weather). (48)We got on but she didn’t feel it.
  6. Lovely date, (39) similar professions but she didn’t feel it.
  7. A younger date (37), very chatty, lovely and we kissed on the first date. Set a time for another date but I just didn’t feel a spark following the date.
  8. Sporty, (44) lovely on the date but very hard to organise anything. I gave up as I felt she was playing the field.
  9. Drink and a walk and a second date of dinner. (45) Loved this date but she didn’t want a relationship.
  10. Another younger date. (36) Dinner, walk, another dinner. She’s lovely, a bit younger than I thought I’d match with but she has odd table manners (doesn’t put her knife and fork together when she’s finished etc)
  11. Another lovely date and then dinner. She stayed the night but really couldn’t kiss. (41) It was very off putting. I guess I could help but not sure I’m that into her.

To me, this is an example of OLD working... Sure, you've not found anyone to settle into a relationship with, and you've had some unsuitable dates, but you don't seem to have many issues in getting dates, you've only had 12 not 120, and they're not all running off after date 1. Even for the most eligible and attractive people on OLD, it's a numbers game... as it is in real life. With your tweaked profile and advice from all these wise MNers, you'll be fine.

I look forward to you coming back here in a couple of years when you've found love and you're happily engaged!

80s · 11/04/2023 17:06

Sounds like the kind of experience I had except that I was not looking for something serious so would have been fine with someone not wanting a proper relationship, not putting their fork in the position I expected, or if it was an amazing date but they were still mid-divorce. Also, all of the men I met would have been up for more dates; maybe women are more careful and say no faster.

Original poster
Joewessex · 11/04/2023 17:28

gerbilcrocus · 11/04/2023 16:30

To me, this is an example of OLD working... Sure, you've not found anyone to settle into a relationship with, and you've had some unsuitable dates, but you don't seem to have many issues in getting dates, you've only had 12 not 120, and they're not all running off after date 1. Even for the most eligible and attractive people on OLD, it's a numbers game... as it is in real life. With your tweaked profile and advice from all these wise MNers, you'll be fine.

I look forward to you coming back here in a couple of years when you've found love and you're happily engaged!

Show quote history

That actually made me feel quite encouraged. Thank you.

OP posts:
Aaaaandbreathe · 11/04/2023 17:31

Joewessex · 10/04/2023 22:16

Good questions.

i guess I’m looking to share my life with someone and everything that it brings with it such a being in love and being there for one another. Kids or no kids. We all have our own lives that we bring to the party.

I’ve filled my life with activities as I’m not a fan of sitting home alone all the time - I start doing DIY. So my outdoor activities are just my way of keeping busy. But the gym and healthy living are my church, keep me sane and healthy.

The woman I’d like to meet needs to be full of spirit and have a bit of her own thing going on that can complement mine if that’s possible . But sometimes, worlds collide and that’s fun too. You can’t beat intimacy and I’m tactile so cuddles are very much welcomed.

I’m quite independent and love my own space to think and get work stuff out of my mind and sometimes I need to just be left for an hour to process things. I have a very demanding job that like to leave at work. So the gym helps with this, it’s Joe time.

The gentleman bit is me saying I’m polite and have decent moral standards. Body wise I do have a muscular body but I work hard at that but I’m not looking for someone to gym like me, it’s just my thing.

I'm spontaneous and romantic and I do like to the dating stuff like lovely meals at restaurants and falling for each other. I guess I want a lot don’t I.

Show quote history

I'm 39 and what you've written here would interest me far more than your current bio. As others have said, to me it reads as what you think people want to hear rather than showing your personality. The freckles comment is funny and cute so I'd keep that but put more of what you've written here.

I don't think I could ever go OLD again after all the horror stories I've read so I'd probably try speed dating or joining a hobby to meet like minded people. Good luck!

module · 11/04/2023 18:34

It doesn't matter what you write, it's all about your pics. If someone likes the look of you, you get a swipe. The actual date is when personalities come into play.

MumofSpud · 11/04/2023 20:07

I would get rid of:
The reference to your mum
'All there'
Being vulnerable

Get a (sociable!) dog! A great way to instigate conversations!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/04/2023 20:23

gerbilcrocus

i have to say I’m envious of how many of his were lovely !!!

I’ve had some (fairly) lovely dates too - but a very common theme of a strong enthusiasm to advance to intimacy very VERY quickly with most I’ve dated

Leopardlives · 11/04/2023 22:08

David, is that you?

badacent · 11/04/2023 23:52

I'm not sure if this piece of advice has yet been given, but have a go on Hinge - I found the people there much more genuine, and more focused towards finding a long term relationship.

Good luck, you sound lovely!

aurynne · 11/04/2023 23:55

gerbilcrocus · 11/04/2023 16:30

To me, this is an example of OLD working... Sure, you've not found anyone to settle into a relationship with, and you've had some unsuitable dates, but you don't seem to have many issues in getting dates, you've only had 12 not 120, and they're not all running off after date 1. Even for the most eligible and attractive people on OLD, it's a numbers game... as it is in real life. With your tweaked profile and advice from all these wise MNers, you'll be fine.

I look forward to you coming back here in a couple of years when you've found love and you're happily engaged!

Show quote history

I agree. When I was in OLD that was the kind of interaction I was getting. Many of the women who told you "they're not ready for a relationship" most likely should have added "...with you". Some women may fall in love easily with most guys they get along with (and guys with women), but in my experience I feel the spark with very few men. Having a great first date does not mean I fancy the person romantically. Keep at it and the right person will eventually appear.

zaramysaviour · 12/04/2023 02:28

You sound nice, OP. I agree with PPs that you should aim to show more of your personality in your profile. Genuine, honest, sunsets etc seem to be in the majority of male profiles I read (along with no bunny boilers lolz, but let's not go there...). If I were messaging you I'm sure we'd move to a date quite quickly, but the profile needs to be there first! (I'm an author and the saying in the indie writing world is that doesn't matter how good a book is, the reader has to get to the stage of actually buying it. So cover, blurb etc all need to be on point, as one could write the best book in the world but that doesn't matter if no-one knows about it.)

I also agree with a PP that it sounds like you're being quite successful in actually getting dates, which is great.

zaramysaviour · 12/04/2023 02:30

'... that it doesn't matter...' 🙄

(I do write for a living, really...)

gerbilcrocus · 12/04/2023 11:37

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/04/2023 20:23

gerbilcrocus

i have to say I’m envious of how many of his were lovely !!!

I’ve had some (fairly) lovely dates too - but a very common theme of a strong enthusiasm to advance to intimacy very VERY quickly with most I’ve dated

I'm guessing that's the difference between the typical man and typical woman on OLD.

Men on Tinder tend to be looking for a quick shag
Women on Tinder (even though it has the reputation of being a hook-up site) tend to be looking for a relationship.

Obviously there are lots of exceptions to this, as evidenced by the OP.

Original poster
Joewessex · 17/04/2023 14:54

Just a quick update. Thanks to all the great advice, the profile was updated and last night I had the best date in 18 months. We are meeting again on Saturday evening. Big romantic dinner. ☺️.

Thank you 🙏

OP posts:
Blondey2023 · 17/04/2023 14:58

@Joewessex I'll go out with you 😀 you sound lovely

Beenhereforever1978 · 17/04/2023 15:12

Do you ever get down to the beaches of West Sussex? Asking for a friend 😃

Biggestdoormatever · 17/04/2023 15:27

Joewessex · 10/04/2023 22:16

Good questions.

i guess I’m looking to share my life with someone and everything that it brings with it such a being in love and being there for one another. Kids or no kids. We all have our own lives that we bring to the party.

I’ve filled my life with activities as I’m not a fan of sitting home alone all the time - I start doing DIY. So my outdoor activities are just my way of keeping busy. But the gym and healthy living are my church, keep me sane and healthy.

The woman I’d like to meet needs to be full of spirit and have a bit of her own thing going on that can complement mine if that’s possible . But sometimes, worlds collide and that’s fun too. You can’t beat intimacy and I’m tactile so cuddles are very much welcomed.

I’m quite independent and love my own space to think and get work stuff out of my mind and sometimes I need to just be left for an hour to process things. I have a very demanding job that like to leave at work. So the gym helps with this, it’s Joe time.

The gentleman bit is me saying I’m polite and have decent moral standards. Body wise I do have a muscular body but I work hard at that but I’m not looking for someone to gym like me, it’s just my thing.

I'm spontaneous and romantic and I do like to the dating stuff like lovely meals at restaurants and falling for each other. I guess I want a lot don’t I.

Show quote history

I think your reply here should be adapted and put into your bio.

Conkered · 17/04/2023 15:28

LOL at replies to the update 🤣

Well done @Joewessex good luck for Saturday!

KillerSandy · 17/04/2023 15:38

Beenhereforever1978 · 17/04/2023 15:12

Do you ever get down to the beaches of West Sussex? Asking for a friend 😃

You gals need to go over to the dating thread on here. There is an important rule - never date within the thread or something 😂