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Original poster

OLD. My goodness grief.

282 replies

Joewessex · 10/04/2023 19:51

Evening evening and I hope you all had a nice Easter weekend.

if possible, I’d like to get a perspective of OLD from women.

if I’m honest, I find it hideous. Hideous in that it’s soul destroying. Whilst that sounds dramatic, I’m at my wits end wondering what I’m doing wrong.

Match after match and lots of silence. I don’t get why people are on it.

I thought I was a handsome guy, I’m definitely fit as I gym enough to have a body to show for it but I’m thinking something is wrong with my approach. I’m 47, no kids (I can’t have them) and I’ve been single 18 months. I’ve had a dozen dates but it just feels flat. One was quite amazing but she announced she was still married and with her ex at the date.

Im educated, dress well and have the usual stuff like my own home and a decent career. But finding a partner seems to be impossible nowadays. It used to be fun.

I do get out and about as I kayak, row, gym, climb and paddleboard etc but nothing comes of things nowadays. I’m a little bit shy so my confidence isn’t all there all the time but I soon warm up.

Any advice?

thank you ☺️

OP posts:
NorseKiwi · 10/04/2023 20:37

I find “the all there” reference confusing also - believe us all - remove it

Original poster
Joewessex · 10/04/2023 20:38

MagpieCounting · 10/04/2023 20:32

What dating site are you using?

Tinder. I tried bumble but you get hundreds of matches but they always time out as men can’t make the first conversation. It’s very artificial.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 10/04/2023 20:38

A couple of things stand out... Great that you're open about who you but as an 'aging' woman with kids and not the greatest body anymore to me that would be intimidating. You almost seem unapproachable because of your appearance. No one wants to feel like they're punching. (Please don't think, I'm trying to put you down for being fit or attractive. That's a good thing obviously)

And, could it also be the type of women you're approaching? Are they a certain type? Or are you approaching a wide range? Maybe make your profile more inclusive.

For example (I'm not looking but if I was...) being woman with kids, stable career, intelligent, busy life and no time for fitness but do enjoy the outdoors and physical activities etc. I'd feel out of my depth and unable to keep up. Not to mention, I'd be worried about whether or not you'd find me physically attractive. Some women have a fragile confidence and no one likes rejection especially based on appearance. Maybe less emphasis on how fit you are and more about your personality?

I'm probably describing this all wrong. I've never done OLD so have no clue about the ins and outs only from friends perspectives.

KillerSandy · 10/04/2023 20:39

Which age group are you targeting?

Original poster
Joewessex · 10/04/2023 20:41

KillerSandy · 10/04/2023 20:39

Which age group are you targeting?

39-47

OP posts:
MrMarkham · 10/04/2023 20:42

The 'all there' thing is a regional colloquialism so not everyone will get it, I would take that out (and don't mention your mother!) looks good otherwise. It's a difficult thing to do and truly represent yourself...

Original poster
Joewessex · 10/04/2023 20:43

OneMoreCookieMonster · 10/04/2023 20:38

A couple of things stand out... Great that you're open about who you but as an 'aging' woman with kids and not the greatest body anymore to me that would be intimidating. You almost seem unapproachable because of your appearance. No one wants to feel like they're punching. (Please don't think, I'm trying to put you down for being fit or attractive. That's a good thing obviously)

And, could it also be the type of women you're approaching? Are they a certain type? Or are you approaching a wide range? Maybe make your profile more inclusive.

For example (I'm not looking but if I was...) being woman with kids, stable career, intelligent, busy life and no time for fitness but do enjoy the outdoors and physical activities etc. I'd feel out of my depth and unable to keep up. Not to mention, I'd be worried about whether or not you'd find me physically attractive. Some women have a fragile confidence and no one likes rejection especially based on appearance. Maybe less emphasis on how fit you are and more about your personality?

I'm probably describing this all wrong. I've never done OLD so have no clue about the ins and outs only from friends perspectives.

That’s very honest and useful feedback. Thank you.

I guess I’m proud of being so fit as I was overweight 5 years ago and worked hard to lose 5 stone.

OP posts:
Newnamenewname109870 · 10/04/2023 20:44

AdamRyan · 10/04/2023 20:28

I'd get rid of this line
"“I’m all there” as my mother would say. Active, fit, cultured and a gent. "

I'd think you were a mummy's boy and people who call themselves "gents" often have a secret creep side so I'd steer clear

I agree remove that line

TwoBoysTooMany76 · 10/04/2023 20:44

@Joewessex you can take me on a date! 😁

i’ve been single for 6 months after ending my last relationship but I’m not sure I want to do OLD anymore. I’ve got a demanding job, two teen boys who are increasingly independent plus a house renovation project that has gone on way too long! And even though I occasionally think about dipping my toe into OLD, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Not sure how to meet people organically in real life either… I run (mostly solitary) and do yoga (95% women). I joined a London social FB group but can’t bring myself to attend a big event full of strangers either… well, if you find a better way, let me know!

Oopsiedaisyy · 10/04/2023 20:45

As a woman who wascon OLD for a while until I met my partner, you would have been in my age category. Frankly theres nothing in that profile that would grab my attention, so little about what you enjoy above and beyond the beige basics.

AlexandraJJ · 10/04/2023 20:45

I get what you’re trying to project but in all honesty when I was OLD I used to get approached by men with similar bios (amongst total non desirables). I would find your bio off putting but it depends what kind of woman you are attempting to attract. The ones I spoke to and met and there has been alot I found had a very high opinion of themselves and it just wasn’t attractive and they weren’t all that. For example saying that you like the finer things in life says nothing about your character other than you’ve pitched yourself in a particular way, which I personally do not find attractive plus you’ve gone on to emphasise this with descriptions of the alcohol you prefer. Doesn’t everyone like ‘fine’ things and ‘good’ champagne which again is subjective. It’s doing you no favours but again I guess it depends what kind of person you want to attract. The romantic paragraph is all well and good but it would put me off. If you are looking for the one much better to say so and describe what that looks like to you when you meet someone you like. I’m so sorry I feel like I’ve ripped you another one but I’m trying to be helpful. It’s so difficult isn’t it? I hope I haven’t offended you as no offense was intended.

Sugaspunsista · 10/04/2023 20:46

Where are you based? Eg a city or a small town? That can change the numbers available to you

EmmaEmerald · 10/04/2023 20:46

I don't date but I think you sound lovely!

lol at burning in moonlight.

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 10/04/2023 20:46

I’m considerate, genuine and looking for real romance. Sunsets, long days out together and being vulnerable.

Get rid of this para OP. 'Being vulnerable' is a bit 🤢 to me.

Also the reference to your mum.

MagpieCounting · 10/04/2023 20:46

Tinder is pretty grim in my experience. Tinder maths works a bit like this.
100 people - I only swipe on maybe 5 of them. Maybe one of those swipes on me. So one match in 100.

Then that profile needs to be real, somewhere in a reasonable distance, able to start a conversation and not cheating.

So maybe 10 matches a 1000 swipes, screened on the criteria above, so 1 match.

It really is a game of numbers - and as a 49 year old woman I've realised there are far less potential matches in the first place.

Keep swiping, take breaks, see friends and family and do things that feed your soul. And remember the opinions of random strangers who judge you on a photo (or a polo shirt!) count for little!

JulietBrown · 10/04/2023 20:48

Congratulations on your weight loss and fitness. That’s a brilliant achievement. I’m not looking, but if I was, I’d love to know a bit more about your non-outdoor interests too. You mention cultured early on, maybe another line about what you’re into and like doing. I totally second the woman who suggested you go on an activity holiday. You sound really lovely, I’m sure it’s nothing you’re doing wrong and all just the challenges of OLD. Good luck!

Ilovemyshoppingtrolley · 10/04/2023 20:48

I don't like the sound of Tinder, what with the swiping etc..... I am single, have used a paid OLD but have been quite shy to actually reply. You do sound nice, where are you based?

Original poster
Joewessex · 10/04/2023 20:48

AlexandraJJ · 10/04/2023 20:45

I get what you’re trying to project but in all honesty when I was OLD I used to get approached by men with similar bios (amongst total non desirables). I would find your bio off putting but it depends what kind of woman you are attempting to attract. The ones I spoke to and met and there has been alot I found had a very high opinion of themselves and it just wasn’t attractive and they weren’t all that. For example saying that you like the finer things in life says nothing about your character other than you’ve pitched yourself in a particular way, which I personally do not find attractive plus you’ve gone on to emphasise this with descriptions of the alcohol you prefer. Doesn’t everyone like ‘fine’ things and ‘good’ champagne which again is subjective. It’s doing you no favours but again I guess it depends what kind of person you want to attract. The romantic paragraph is all well and good but it would put me off. If you are looking for the one much better to say so and describe what that looks like to you when you meet someone you like. I’m so sorry I feel like I’ve ripped you another one but I’m trying to be helpful. It’s so difficult isn’t it? I hope I haven’t offended you as no offense was intended.

All good feedback. I’m not great about talking me up so
it comes out as less authentic and just dating app waffle.

I’ll have a think and try to be a bit more me.

OP posts:
NemoandDoris · 10/04/2023 20:49
  • *“I’m all there” as my mother would say.

Take this out, I would advise you never mention your mother in a dating profile. Just an instant ick. Sorry.

I’m considerate, genuine and looking for real romance. Sunsets, long days out together and being vulnerable.

Once again, it sounds like your mum write this. The first sentence is OK, the second one less so.

icelolly12 · 10/04/2023 20:49

Also keep in mind that most women in your age range will likely have children and won't have the time for kayaking, rowing, gyming, climbing and paddleboarding. If your profile pics are all active it might seem a bit much to keep up with.

lljkk · 10/04/2023 20:50

Friend (female) has hugely enjoyed OLD. She does a huge amount of talking & flirting before she meets anyone IRL. She enjoys the banter a lot.

JulietBrown · 10/04/2023 20:51

Chipping in again to say I really like the sunset and romance paragraph. Was my favourite bit! ♥️

KillerSandy · 10/04/2023 20:52

Joewessex · 10/04/2023 20:18

My pictures are all clothed, just polo shirts etc and I’ve been very open about myself.

This is my intro:

6’1 and “I’m all there” as my mother would say. Active, fit, cultured and a gent. I like finer things, getting muddy on hikes and I play in the sea on whatever the wind or tide will allow.

I’m considerate, genuine and looking for real romance. Sunsets, long days out together and being vulnerable.

Love a good whiskey, a vodka martini and a glass of a decent fizz.

I’m held together by freckles and burn in moonlight so factor 50 all the way.

These are only my thoughts ....

You like finer things - what do you mean ? Could be considered being a bit of a dick and out in to impress. Maybe give an example?

I don't mind the mother comment !

Play in the sea - don't like that ( I do get you are trying to be upbeat and fun)

Maybe too much mention of booze - again it sounds a bit dickish and trying to impress

*being vulnerable" - hmmm sounds a bit needy.

I do get that it is a hard line between being run of the mill and a dick. Try to say something about looking for new experiences maybe and yes your character. How long do you talk for before meeting?

Original poster
Joewessex · 10/04/2023 20:52

Ilovemyshoppingtrolley · 10/04/2023 20:48

I don't like the sound of Tinder, what with the swiping etc..... I am single, have used a paid OLD but have been quite shy to actually reply. You do sound nice, where are you based?

Tinder is hideous.

im near Guildford but I also
work in London.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/04/2023 20:52

The only comments I’d make is that the profile text is very generic
id maybe use less poetic language (sunsets and vulnerability ) and more real language that shows your personality and what you’re into ?

the fact you have a personality shows on this thead alone , but the profile wording isn’t necessarily showing that as it’s generic

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