I’m so fed up of being me and having this life. I’m so jealous of those who have nice lives.

[Itsalongtime]

It’s not even a bad life I have at the moment. I’ve got things other people would like to have. I’m just so fed up of the life that has got me here. I lived through emotional neglect as a child then onto a 12 year abusive marriage. I’ve got good qualifications but never used them and I have my own house, a good partner now and 1 child and 1 baby.

Yesterday my partners brother came over and told us they are moving house. The sister in law is a lovely person. She had a normal childhood and met him young and have two lovely children and now buying a lovely big home. I’m so jealous. Although she never worked they are still young. She’s looked after the kids and they have worked up from a small flat to now a lovely big house. Why couldn’t that of been me. Why do I have to be 40 with all these awful memories and life experiences. I feel life is just one big fight. It’s left me with life long health issues and I’m tired. I’m never just going to be normal, I’m jealous of everyone who has nice lives. Why couldn’t that of been me, I had so much potential once.

I know this is trotted out all the time, but have you had counselling to try and deal with your past?

@Exhibity yes but it doesn’t take away the time and the memories or the feeling I could have been someone different. I have to constantly deal with my thoughts and it gets tiring. When others do well I’m happy for them but I’m sad for myself because I wish I had a different path. It wasn’t my fault and it’s not fair really.

Many of us have horrible pasts in ways that aren’t obvious to others. I was raped aged ten, and despite lots of therapy, it’s with me to this day, but very few people know about it. You can’t possibly know this other person has had no ACEs.

Focus on you. Can you start to use your qualifications now? And yes, have you explored therapy?

I get it. I feel the same. The phrase 'comparison is the theif of joy' is so true though.

I'm nearly 50. Had an abusive marriage. Left alone with my autistic child. Full on job. Worked my ass off with tons of qualifications and senior position but don't have much to show for it. The house needs tons doing to it. I have a chronic illness. I'm too exhausted to do any decorating. The mortgage doesn't end until I am past retirement age. I watch all my contemporaries with their supportive families, big mortgage free houses and partners. None of that is me.

I'm alone a lot..I don't get fancy holidays or even days out much. I work, I look after my child and I rest so I can work. That's about it. I have to be grateful for the good days and good things.

I'm afraid life is not fair or equal.

Counselling is helpful but I still find it hard some days.

I think I understand what you are saying, and after a difficult year the context of my childhood and that of my siblings has really come home to roost. Recently I have looked around at my happy and stable looking colleagues and friends and felt lost and alone.

However, although it might sound trite and overdone I think counting blessings / looking at the positives can help. Also we don't know others troubles - most peoples struggles are hidden . It sounds as though you have a lovely partner and family now. You are more than your past, and can have a bright future with your children. Counselling can be helpful. Also don't underestimate the strain of having a young baby / the postnatal period. Look after yourself 🌻🦋

You've got a lot of your life still left so is it worth trying some alternative counselling / therapy to find some way of letting go of past bad experiences and looking forward?

It is not fair that you suffered as a child when others didn't and it was not in your control. However you cannot absolve yourself of all responsibility for your future. Bad experiences don't need to define you and colour your whole future.

There is no easy fix for dealing with this stuff but spending some time in therapy might be worthwhile. It takes a long time and a lot of effort but could be rewarding. Nothing will change unless you make it change.

Thing is OP- I had a crap childhood in many ways, but I have a nice life now- lots of people, through no fault of their own, have an awful upbringing and can never break the cycle. So many people are living a current hell, so whilst I’m not dismissing your experiences you need to realise you aren’t the only one and look at your life now if you’re happy. I would keep trying different counselling because whilst you’re bitter about the past you can never enjoy the current.

I just seem to be surrounded by people with great lives at the moment. I know it can change in a moment. I guess it’s the fact they’ve been supported and I’ve never had that from anyone. I’m really jealous of people who have family members saying how proud they are of their achievements. My partners bro and sister have so many family members proud of how they raised 2 wonderful kids and now achieved their big new home. No one has ever been proud of me. I’ve just big one big mistake.

I assume people will look at me and think I have “the” life. I’ve had time off with the children, met my husband really young (married at 18 and have been married for 20 years now). Big house, lived in several countries etc. Great education.

But I feel just like you.

Your sister in law May feel just like you do too.

She may have adverse childhood experiences just like you.

Most people believe I had an amazing, privileged childhood. To some extent I did. I went to great schools. I went to school with Tamara Ecclestone, just to give example of school. I lived in amazing places and countries throughout my childhood. But the reality always will be that I was left on an orphanage doorstep as a newborn, abandoned by my birth parents, who couldn’t even be bothered to take me inside or leave a note. They wrapped me in newspaper like I was fish and chips. Like I laugh sometimes at that sentence but it still hurts deep.

What I have learned though is that comparing yourself to others is the thief of joy. Just live your life. I know it’s hard sometimes but you do only get one life, as far as we know.

I really relate with what you are saying, I had a similar upbringing and then a string of DA relationships.

Get ready for people to tell you you're depressed on here, I'm not going to say that as it's how I often feel about my life and I don't have depression, just quite a hard life. I don't talk to people about it much now as my horrible exes would say I was 'making excuses' but the truth is that childhood trauma changes you and then can mean you make poor relationship decisions in your later life just like we have. It's really hard but you're not alone.

These two videos are brilliant at explaining the long term effects of childhood abuse/neglect/trauma.

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I've worked with several people who's traumatic childhoods have stayed with them for decades. It IS possible to leave it behind - the subconscious mind needs to understand that you are no longer in danger and that holding onto the bad memories is damaging your adult happiness.

I get it, OP.

The only way I’ve found is to live in the present and be grateful and joyous about what I DO have. I can mostly do that now, although sometimes I have bad days.

Mindfulness & meditation, exercise, a daily gratitude list and being part of a support group for a specific trauma I have experienced all help me. These things help me separate what I can’t control (other people) or change (the past) and what I can control and change (how I act on my feelings, how I respond to other people, what I choose to focus on and give energy to in my life).

Therapy has never helped me, but I have friends with traumatic childhoods for whom it has been life changing.

@Everybodywants i don’t class myself as depressed. But I feel like I’m not whole. People always say to parent those missing parts but I can’t. There is and has never been a single person proud of me. I left my abusive marriage and pulled myself back but no one knows. Nothing I’ve done in my life has been something someone has said I am so proud of you. My partners bro and sis hear it all the time as they have achieved the nice house and family.

Are you proud of yourself? Fwiw this online stranger thinks you should be.

What is a good life for you? What do you want your life to look like?

@JustDudeIt no one in my life understands me. My brother despite our upbringing found a lovely wife and is not like me, he sees me as just being a victim. My family are all dysfunctional. My partners family are all lovely and perfect and do not understand me so I try and pretend I’m perfect when I’m not. I don’t fit in anywhere currently. I feel different.

I can relate to what you're saying. My family life was quite dysfunctional growing up, even though from outside it looked nice and rosy in the garden. I had a horrendous experience at college, from which I have PTSD and I will always be a bit damaged from. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and appreciate what I have. I have a beautiful daughter and one on the way and a lovely husband. We are not mega rich but we do OK and live in a 4 bed house in a safe, quiet neighbourhood. My career is OK but it never really taken off as I hoped it would. My salary is good but I never seem to get the promotions I go for. At this stage, I just try and be grateful for what I have. I know that an awful lot of people would be jealous of what I have. I relate to feeling flat and fed up at times though. Life hasn't been easy for me at all, whereas I have watched others sail through it with little difficulty. I have no supportive family either and my mum is dead. Sometimes it gets to you!

I so get it. Mine is that I've never had someone to actually look after me or take the reins in times of difficulty. Never. Neglected as a child and fully estranged from that awful alcoholic parent now. But I've never had a Mum to help or rely on or look after me after childbirth or when I'm ill or anything.
I chose an older husband possibly trying to chase some sort of security. Turns out he was an alcoholic prick too and I he was fully useless and I still did everything.
I've never even had someone make me dinner consistently or put food in the fridge, it's all down to me and me only and now as a lone parent of one it's all still me. I have nice friends who I love but there is no practical real life help, no team mate or anyone I can truly rely on.

I don't have a house I own or much of a pension despite like you being highly qualified, this is because all my money goes on outgoings so I can't save. Can't even afford to finalise my divorce at present.
It's really sad.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale no I’m not proud of myself. My whole life has been a constant struggle and then me trying to undo the mess. I feel different all the time and certain family, especially on my partners side make me feel like I’m not really worth it. My life is mostly about me managing my feelings and trying to rationalise my hurt from my past. I hide myself away a lot because no one in my life understands me.

DH said to me a very important thing, and I think it might be useful to you too. He told me that I tend to look at certain parts of people's lives and think they are perfect, instead of looking at the whole picture and see that no one's life is perfect. For example, almost everyone around me gets pregnant easily. I don't. However I do try my best to look at all of the good things that I DO have. 💐

It's quite common to have a hard start in life, I suffered phydical and emotional abuse at home from age 14-18. I did really well at secondary school but my studies fell apart at a levels as the abuse escalated before I left home. It's not the sort of thing people talk about freely but from the outside, few people would guess what I'd been through. It's true that many people have comparatively very easy starts in life but although I shouldn't have had to go through what I did, in some ways it has made me who I am today and I have a better and wider view of how people and the world can be. I think it's really important to value what you do have because no matter who you are you have individual strengths and comparing.youraelf to others is just going to stop you seeing and appreciating them.

You say you've got good qualifications, own a home, and have 2 dc, and escaped an abusive relationship. Those are all good things.

What would make you proud of yourself?

I think the answer to my earlier question (what is a good life for you) is a life with some external validation, and better self esteem. What steps are open to you to get that in your life?

Oh OP i understand. You just want that warm feeling of being loved and feeling like you are precious to someone. I just lost a parent recently and understand this feeling of just being alone and it’s not nice when you see others being surrounded with love and support. The only thing for it is to build it all up within yourself. Be really kind to yourself in your thoughts and decisions. Be your own biggest fan! It tends to naturally give a more positive outlook and engagement with others may get easier xx

You don't know what battles everyone who looks like they have a great life might be fighting, OP.

I know what people are saying but honestly my partners bro and girlfriends life is immaculate and it’s difficult for me to be a part of. On social media for example every post will be from family saying how proud they are. They’ve had it easy. She never worked, he works and takes care of them, the kids are perfect. I’m having trouble with my eldest. I spoke to partners dad the other day about the trouble I’m having and he just respond with well they have good parents and yours didn’t so she bound to be acting up. I feel at fault for everything.

I suffered huge emotional trauma most of my childhood and into early adulthood. But in the nicest possible way one day you just have to decide to get over it and move on, no one will give you the validation you feel you deserve. No one is proud of me, but I am proud of me and that’s all that matters. Only you can make the life you want. Make your glass half full not half empty. Get up and make every day count. Forgive your past and stop looking back, the past is done, you can’t change that but you can change your future, but that is for you to do and no one else. Do it for yourself not external validation. I live a life now that I dreamt of 10/15 years ago and it came from hard work, determination and positivity, if I can you can.