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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I’m so fed up of being me and having this life. I’m so jealous of those who have nice lives.

212 replies

Itsalongtime · 10/04/2023 09:25

It’s not even a bad life I have at the moment. I’ve got things other people would like to have. I’m just so fed up of the life that has got me here. I lived through emotional neglect as a child then onto a 12 year abusive marriage. I’ve got good qualifications but never used them and I have my own house, a good partner now and 1 child and 1 baby.

Yesterday my partners brother came over and told us they are moving house. The sister in law is a lovely person. She had a normal childhood and met him young and have two lovely children and now buying a lovely big home. I’m so jealous. Although she never worked they are still young. She’s looked after the kids and they have worked up from a small flat to now a lovely big house. Why couldn’t that of been me. Why do I have to be 40 with all these awful memories and life experiences. I feel life is just one big fight. It’s left me with life long health issues and I’m tired. I’m never just going to be normal, I’m jealous of everyone who has nice lives. Why couldn’t that of been me, I had so much potential once.

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 10/04/2023 14:07

Itsalongtime · 10/04/2023 14:04

@allmyliesaretrue they are lovely people, so relaxed. I’m so jealous of that. On the outside they really do have it all. I know it can be taken in a heartbeat. I’m vulnerable now which maybe is why I’m having a hard time. I need to rely on my partner and it terrifies me. I don’t want to be vulnerable. If he leaves me I am screwed with 2 children now and bad health.

But he hasnt left you. I brought up my severely disabled son while I was severely disabled myself and I had no one apart from paid carers. No family to help. No husband. No partner.

I know it's hard but you have blessings. Don't lose track of those.

allmyliesaretrue · 10/04/2023 14:10

Itsalongtime · 10/04/2023 14:04

@allmyliesaretrue they are lovely people, so relaxed. I’m so jealous of that. On the outside they really do have it all. I know it can be taken in a heartbeat. I’m vulnerable now which maybe is why I’m having a hard time. I need to rely on my partner and it terrifies me. I don’t want to be vulnerable. If he leaves me I am screwed with 2 children now and bad health.

You are a part of all that too, if you let yourself be. You're also the mother of their grandchild. Would you feel more secure if you and your dp got married? It would give you more legal protection certainly. Plus you could just nip off quietly and get the 'job done'. Sounds to me like you are living in fear of it all going wrong. IF the worst came to the worst, he's still going to be your baby's father and they are still going to be blood family. You're not in the same situation you were before.

Itsalongtime · 10/04/2023 14:12

@Spottycarousel I don’t really know how to count my blessings. Nothing ever feels good enough. I just don’t seem to have that inner voice, I have an inner critic. I know that if I had a bigger house someone would have a bigger one. I don’t really know what is good enough.

OP posts:
palelavender · 10/04/2023 14:15

I work in a profession where I get to see what people's lives are really like behind the façade. You would be amazed at what often lies behind it.

People think my life has been blessed and in many ways it has been but people don't see the hard times we went through like my teenage son being diagnosed with cancer. We were lucky as they got a very rare cancer very early through a mere fluke. My son's prognosis was and is excellent. We were one of the happy parents leaving the clinic that morning but we were very aware that there were people who were not getting good news about their child's prognosis. We felt very fortunate.

I agree about your SIL being in a very precarious situation. She has children but is not married and has no qualifications or work experience. Will her name even be on the title to the new house? If I were her parents, I would not be extremely proud, I'd be extremely concerned. What if he were killed in a car accident or just left the relationship? Does he even have life insurance with her as the beneficiary?

Also, the more people are making proud declarations of things being so great, being so proud or being so in love are often people trying to convince themselves that something is so. People who are those things usually aren't making a big production of it.

Spottycarousel · 10/04/2023 14:20

Itsalongtime · 10/04/2023 14:12

@Spottycarousel I don’t really know how to count my blessings. Nothing ever feels good enough. I just don’t seem to have that inner voice, I have an inner critic. I know that if I had a bigger house someone would have a bigger one. I don’t really know what is good enough.

You are seeking inner peace but thinking it comes from acquiring more and having what others seem to have. It doesn't.

It comes from having love and compassion for yourself and accepting who you are.

It takes a lot of work in therapy but you will get there. If you're so inclined, meditation and forms of spirituality help too.

Itsalongtime · 10/04/2023 14:20

My ex husband told me I was a parasite who fed off others. He said I was nothing on my own and would be in a council house living off benefits. I am terrified of him being right. I fear I’ll sabotage what I have then will feel justified that I am a parasite. I don’t think I am one though deep down. My mum says I’ve wasted my life and it’s too late. They wasted money on putting me through my higher education. Everyone thinks I’ve failed in my past so I think everyone I meet can see it in letters above my head.

OP posts:
CAJIE · 10/04/2023 14:21

How is a nice life defined? Yes I get youcand therapy doesnt always help.Some people get less support in life.Some people seem golden.Do not compare yourself to others.Im proud of you.Of course that will mean nothing but make friends witu people who will be your support
Family can be limiting. Life can change in an instant.I was deeply patronised and pitied by a woman at work for my status and relative poverty.She flaunted her lifestyle.I saw her again a few years later.Hubby had left het for an older woman artist who had a child with autism.He fell in love with the older womans spirit
But all peoole feeling like this we need to support each other.
Do remember that many nice lives are had at someone else suffering.Nothing is free.
And fyi i do have a right ro question why people have so many kids
.i get hassleed about lack of bio kids constantly.

Fantasmagoricalan · 10/04/2023 14:28

It sounds you’ve achieved a fuck ton more than the people you’re comparing yourself unfavourably to. Not to detract from them, but there’s not much merit in having an easy ride, never parking and getting a big house anyway.

I hope therapy would make you realise how much you have achieved, how much you’ve had to endure and overcome, and to value yourself for it.

Fantasmagoricalan · 10/04/2023 14:28

Never working, not never parking.

Itsalongtime · 10/04/2023 14:30

I was never into possessions when I was younger. I was a bit hippy like and got my masters in design. It’s like that part of me has been destroyed by my ex husband. He said he was drawn to me because of my spirit and ability to see the good in everything.

OP posts:
Spottycarousel · 10/04/2023 14:33

I lost a lot through my abusive marriage too.

A good therapist will help you regain your good qualities and recognise your inner strength- but the process does involve a lot of grief too. You'll come through this. My life has been so hard I don't know how I'm still here but I appreciate what I have and the past is in the past.

HappyMe6 · 10/04/2023 15:26

Nailsandthesea I’m lost for words! What a turnaround! Wishing you every happiness

HappyMe6 · 10/04/2023 15:30

You are saying you don’t know what is good enough op let me tell you and listen up! YOU yes YOU are good enough! Don’t focus on big houses and what other people have. Focus on you and your family

GerronBuzanDoThaWomwok · 10/04/2023 15:41

Yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come, today is all we have...
For me, there will always be that heavy weight, never belonging anywhere, not being the person I should have been.
But here's the thing, I won.
I got out.
I'm proud of me, even on the worst days where I fail at normal life stuff.
I escaped.
I won.
I'm a warrior.
I live
💕

Jetstream · 10/04/2023 15:41

I’ve read your messages OP, you are amazing. Posters are suggesting therapy. Unfortunately sometimes it doesn’t help. Or does focussing on the positives. Personally, I wish to God I wasn’t born.

Orangebadger · 10/04/2023 15:52

You're getting your worth from others rather than from within you. I am not surprised that you seem to have such low self esteem with what you have told us here. But true self worth, self respect and strength, comes from within you. Not easy to achieve, but you have to try and change this mindset with small things and build it up. What other people think about you and your achievements really is a lot less important that what you yourself think.

Also social media is the thief of joy if you take the shiny perfect insta photos literally, it's all a load of bollocks. People show you want they want you to see, which is often not the reality at all! Think of it like photo shopping their life, not just their face and body. It's at the root of so many metal health problems now as it's so integral to our lives. Either just avoid avoid avoid or take off the rose tinted glasses about other peoples lives. It's a facade.

Itsalongtime · 10/04/2023 17:28

Thanks for all the support. I absolutely look for validation in the wrong places. My partners mum for example bought a big Easter egg for us to share and said we can all have our bit if a) makes sure he is up on time for work all week, b)*makes sure she does her homework without being asked and c)*does all the housework well. I don’t really fit into this identity. They also said that looking after the baby baby is my responsibility. And many other comments that just don’t fit with me. I’m really not the perfect housewife sort of person. My ex wanted me to be but I always pushed against it, I try but I’m definitely not and I’m getting super frustrated trying to be something I’m not because others are doing it so well and getting feedback. I’ve always been a black sheep.

OP posts:
Itsalongtime · 10/04/2023 17:33

My partners brother and girlfriend have this identity and it fits with the parents so they get on well. I think they think I’m a crap girlfriend.

OP posts:
Orangebadger · 10/04/2023 17:38

Yeah, I'm not the perfect housewife either, I have actually no idea what my partners family think of me, as they are more traditional with gender roles. But whatever they think of me I don't care and neither should you. Be true to yourself, it may take some guts but once you get there it's very liberating! You only get one life, you can't spend it trying to live to others expectations of you.

Beenalongwinter · 10/04/2023 20:42

GreyCarpet · 10/04/2023 12:16

This might not sound like a very nice way of dealing with it but sometimes, needs must...

I was brought up in an emotionally/physically abusive family. My brother was the Golden Child and suffered differently but I didn't see that at the time. He was also abusive towards me because my parents had convinced him that I was the problem. I had a good relationship with my grandma until my mother sabotaged that too with her lies. I have no other family.

I've been nc with mother for 11 years and also found myself in a loveless, sexless, emotionally and financially abusive marriage.

I put myself through university and got a first class degree and a masters in my 20s. I entered a profession but will never progress because a) the thought of it scares me (I have huge imposter syndrome) and b) after living with so much stress, I can't cope with it. It's taken years to be able to work full time. I'm now in my late 40s and this is 3rd year of working full time. That's an achievement for me.

I live in a nice, but small, house in a pretty crappy area. It's rented. My mother sabotaged my attempts/plans to buy a house (she deliberately gave me very bad advice and, by the time I realised she'd intentionally sabotaged that too it was too late for me financially).

She told me from being a young child that no one would ever be attracted to me, love me or want me because of... well reasons that were everything about me physically (body shape, hair colour, fingernail shape, ankle/wrist size, waist size, neck length, skin colour etc) and everything about my character and personality - too intelligent, too opinionated, too outspoken, too... everything else. But also not quiet, compliant, demure and everything else enough.

I was trained to be as mediocre, as middle of the road, as inoffensive as possible in the hope that some day someone would settle for me. Ultimately, she failed. That is an achievement on my part.

She spoke to my school to try and get them to reduce the number of GCSEs I did because I was a girl - want did I need qualifications for? And it might put a man off me if I got ideas above my station. School (fortunately) and I ignored her. That is an achievement.

I was a gifted musician but she sabotaged my plans to become a musician because a man wouldn't tolerate a wife in that industry. I didn't pursue a career in music but I have made it part of my job anyway and now play for pleasure in a gigging band. It took until I was 44 to do that but that is an achievement.

I resisted her attempts to teach me to cook because it didn't occur to me I'd need to feed myself one day, she only talked in terms of feeding my future hypothetical husband and entertaining his boss and the boss's wife. I had no intention of ever doing that. I taightyself as an adult and I'm a pretty decent cook now. That is an achievement.

I reached adulthood with no sense of who I was other than a failure in relation to men. Told I'd only ever live half a life without a husband but possessed none of the attributes required to find one.

And so it went on.

I've been homeless (at my mother's hands); I lived in a hostel with my newborn son. Nine of the staff understood why I was there. The other women were drug addicts, sex workers, women undergoing parenting assessments with the LA. I didn't have my child removed from me. In that environment, that was an achievement.

She tried to get SS involved with my son. Using the fact I lived in the hostel as the reason amd everyone else there had one. But everyone else had serious reasons for being there. My mum just wanted to perpetuate the narrative that I was a problem and she was my victim. I went to university upon leaving there. That was an achievement.

Anyway, I bumped into one of the women from there when I was in the final year of my degree (I was 29 then). She was still invovled with SS. Her boyfriend was in prison. She lived in a crappy flat where you could smell raw sewage in the bathroom. She didn't work. She'd had a 2 more children. She was on drugs. She'd been a really sweet girl who'd just had a shitty hand dealt in her early life and she'd never managed to get herself out of it.

And I took from that that at least I wasn't her living her life. And that was also an achievement.

There will always be people who have it easier and have better lives than you but there will always be someone who is worse off. That you have achieved what you have is your achievement.

Therapy will help but it isn't a magic wand. You have to see what you have overcome and the life you have built as valuable.

Everything you have. Everything you have done. Everything you have had to overcome in order to provide yourself with those things. That is your achievement.
Stop expecting external validation. Quite frankly, who gives a shit what anyone else thinks?

Truly inspirational.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 10/04/2023 21:40

Why is your partner's mum micromanaging your lives via Easter eggs as if you and your partner are 5? I reward my toddlers with treats like that for good behaviour. Honestly ignore that shit , that is weird. Lots of women are not traditional housewife types.
You are putting far too much emphasis on what your partners family think. You need to create some distance.

Eyesopenwideawake · 10/04/2023 22:14

Itsalongtime · 10/04/2023 14:12

@Spottycarousel I don’t really know how to count my blessings. Nothing ever feels good enough. I just don’t seem to have that inner voice, I have an inner critic. I know that if I had a bigger house someone would have a bigger one. I don’t really know what is good enough.

Have a look at this article about Core Beliefs, I think it will help you make sense of why you feel the way you do;

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance/

Core beliefs and self acceptance | Better Relationships

Core beliefs are basic, underlying "truths" we hold that determine how we perceive ourselves and the world, so it's important to make sure they're positive.

https://www.betterrelationships.org.au/well-being/core-beliefs-self-acceptance

Itsalongtime · 11/04/2023 00:56

I’ve had a look at core beliefs before. It’s hard to change them when they end up being true. People don’t tend to accept me or I don’t feel accepted. I can tell by the comments made to certain things I say. Eg with his parents I will say something subtle and it will be brushed off or put down. I will say I’m struggling with tiredness as the baby doesn’t sleep at night and it will be met with oh well. Where is the supportive words. I’ll tell my mum I’m feeling tired today and she will say something like you wanted a baby. None of these comments are supportive and loving. I don’t want it fixing but something, maybe a kind word or a hug like other people give to my friends. My partners brother and sister spend a huge amount of time with her family. They are supportive and tell her all the time how proud they are. That must be so nice to hear. Even on the days you find it hard at least you know people have your back. I feel absolutely lost at sea most of the time and with this constant inner critic it’s hard going.

OP posts:
Spopssas · 11/04/2023 02:50

Huge loving arms around Aussiegirl.

Spottycarousel · 11/04/2023 02:56

The trouble is you tend to reflect back what you give out. If your core belief is that you're worthless you give out those vibes and people treat you in a worthless manner. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

A good therapist can help so much with all this. You need to learn self compassion and acceptance and these things are part of any successful therapy. It's just finding the right therapist who you click with and is prepared to go deep into inner child work.