I’m so fed up of being me and having this life. I’m so jealous of those who have nice lives.

[Itsalongtime]

It’s not even a bad life I have at the moment. I’ve got things other people would like to have. I’m just so fed up of the life that has got me here. I lived through emotional neglect as a child then onto a 12 year abusive marriage. I’ve got good qualifications but never used them and I have my own house, a good partner now and 1 child and 1 baby.

Yesterday my partners brother came over and told us they are moving house. The sister in law is a lovely person. She had a normal childhood and met him young and have two lovely children and now buying a lovely big home. I’m so jealous. Although she never worked they are still young. She’s looked after the kids and they have worked up from a small flat to now a lovely big house. Why couldn’t that of been me. Why do I have to be 40 with all these awful memories and life experiences. I feel life is just one big fight. It’s left me with life long health issues and I’m tired. I’m never just going to be normal, I’m jealous of everyone who has nice lives. Why couldn’t that of been me, I had so much potential once.

You might not have had a good start, but you can have a great finish.

Try counselling again. Try everything. You are worth it. You have survived and remember that there is no road without a turn. All these people you think are perfect and ‘people are proud of them’ could get a belt of a bus next week. Comparing yourself to others has to stop.

all the best

I don’t like doing this because I think dragging someone else down to make yourself feel better isn’t ever a good approach, but I’m just thinking about the advice the girlfriend would get if she posted on MN given she’s unmarried, doesn’t work, and has no income.

While things may be good for her now, she’s in a vulnerable position if they ever split up.

Nobody’s life is perfect.

Stop comparing up and start comparing down. Compared to millions of people in the third world, you have an unimaginably fabulous life!
You can let jealousy of others eat you up and spoil the rest of your life, or you can be proud of your progress and start enjoying what you DO have. The only person who is in charge of your future happiness is you.
Go and visit a slum or shanty town. Acknowledge your extreme good fortune, and let go of your envy. And perhaps volunteer your time or money to help those who actually DO have a hard life.

Are you in therapy? Are you on any medication?

I'm 24 a single mum living in a hostel with two small children. Was abused as a child, trafficked out then was in two abusive relationships.
im grateful I'm free from my past.
im glad I have two beautiful children and a roof over my head.
i love going to the park.
practice gratitude it will change your life and prospective. Good luck x

Hi OP. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my questions about how you see the next 4 decades.

Still sticking to the next 4 decades - can I ask you to see if you can try a little thought experiment? You have made some predictions about the future - “Partner will leave”, “I won’t cope”, “Home wont happen”. These predictions are of course all of negative scenarios. Is there any prediction you can try to make that might be neutral? For example “My children might stay healthy”, or “My partner may not leave”, or “Who knows - I might cope with what comes up”, or my little one might do something that makes me super proud”. Doesn’t matter if these predictions aren’t as strongly worded as your negative predictions - but can you make 1 or 2 neutral/semi positive predictions about the next 4 decades?

I found this a really helpful book https://www.benjaminfry.co.uk/the-invisible-lion/

The invisible lion by Benjamin Fry, it helped me understand the stress and trauma I have held on to, and why I suffered panic attacks after my life massively improved. Sending love op

I get it op. Everything I've got I've got for myself.

I feel resentful sometimes of others that have easier lives. I get angry when people who have had it easier don't get that my achievements are mine alone.

Like you I feel like I should be in a much better place financially and things should be easier.

@Babdoc see I didn’t want to post because I’m not worthy of the way I feel because yes others do have a worse life then I do. I’m fortunate that I fought so hard even though I was so low and wanted to roll over and basically die. It is something good I did. It’s not helpful to tell someone they can’t feel the way they do. It’s part of the reason I feel so down because I tell myself I shouldn’t feel the way I do when I do and I can’t push it aside.

The thing about the house isn’t about them owning a big house. It’s that they did it together with the support from each other and the family who’ve helped along the way. It’s that feeling they must feel that I so badly want to feel.

I get you completely. Because I was sa as a child. It's the trauma that's stored in the body. Mine went away when I went to see a reiki lady. All the trapped trauma just left my body. It was amazing. I no longer compare my life to others. I'm happy now and completely over it. Find a nice reiki centre, near you.

You keep saying no one is proud of you OP. I think you need to be proud of yourself - think of all the things you’ve overcome.

Also, isn’t your partner/husband proud of you?

It sounds like you have a good life now and perhaps some counselling would help you work through your past. Otherwise it’ll dictate your whole future.

As for your sister in law, how do you really know what’s going on behind closed doors? Maybe she has insecurities herself. But there’s no need to be jealous of her.

You can give this to your children. I think that's what you need to focus on - you can't get it for yourself, but you can do it for your kids.

Comparison is the thief of joy. No matter how good or how bad your life is, you will always find someone who you believe is doing better or worse than you.

Try and focus on the positives. It's hard to get out of an abusive relationship and you've done that - so even if you are feeling rubbish and weak now, you know you've got strength and fight inside of you.

And try and do something nice for yourself. A bit of self care can be invaluable at helping to change our mindsets.

It is overwhelmingly hard to look at our futures in a way that’s relatively independent of our pasts. Because our pasts and presents are the only things we know! OP - whilst this thread may be useful (and I do hope you can return to the content of peoples posts in time and read each reply again, carefully - because at your lowest now most of it feels like “noise” I suspect) - but what you really need is proper, sustained therapy to break some of these thought patterns. I don’t know what you can afford or whether you feel strong enough to refer to the fully free local IAPTS services for talking therapies in your county - but I do wish you’d take it up as a 6 month to 1 year project and see what your thoughts are - and what your relationship to your past is - in say Easter 2024.

OP - have you tried counselling?
You do sound like you have both underlying depression, and with that you are more susceptible to PND. As you mentioned having a baby - it might be possible that this is adding to how you feel.
I don’t think an anything we tell you here will change how you feel. But working with a professional, and possibly some medication may help.
I am saying all this as someone who had been to pretty dark places myself.

Get help - for the sake of yourself and your kids.

@Itsalongtime I haven't read the full thread op but are you sure you see what others see? I see a stable wife and mother, who has obtained qualifications and has worked despite a difficult childhood and abusive first marriage. You journey had been longer and harder than that of others so you have travelled further and found a successful destination. You can't change the past, only the future and I apologise for the platitude.

From what you have written about your SIL I don't see what you see. I see a young woman who has no independence, reliant on her dh for every penny and who probably has no commercial work skills and who has been enabled to be a homemaker, probably by a patriarchal environment and home. I wonder what her reality is now and will be. She certainly won't have a full state pension.

Please be aware that social media only shows the parts others want you to see.

I am absolutely exhausted. Baby doesn’t sleep well at all. I also started taking the mini pill a month ago. I’ve had problems before with this making me feel sad but then that was very soon after I left my home. My oldest daughter is also finding it hard and is acting up. Life is challenging at the moment and I’ve not got the time for my own emotions so I try to ignore but they end up getting stronger.

GP appointment - change your contraception and talk about the low mood you're experiencing.

Funny it never occurred to me that others should be proud of me. I think of pride as something you aim to give yourself. That form decisions you make. Well I’m envious of you and everyone who has more than one child. Whatever external circumstances they have that’s something which is hard to influence if it can’t be.

I’m fortunate in some ways but unable to appreciate it really which makes it useless.

Have you thought about volunteering?

Not working has an awful impact on your MH and what’s worse is that you are going to be even more affected because all you do is sit and dwell on the past and think about how unfortunate you are.

Volunteering will not only help your MH because it’s keeping your mind active but if you volunteer for a homeless charity or for children who are victims of SA you will actually put into perspective how fortunate you are and how you have the opportunity to live life to the full and not just wallow in self pity.

FWIW I think it’s really good to reflect on our past and see where things went wrong but it’s not good to wallow in it.
Use it as a way to make sure you don’t make the same mistakes.

It is not nice for your DCs if you have any or your DP to be around someone who is never satisfied and constantly comparing themselves to everyone else, when actually you have a nice life.

Your past was shit - this was out of your control.
Why let your present and future be shit too - this is in your control.

Hi @Itsalongtime I know what you are talking about. I too have been through lots like you (I won’t bore you with the details) but it’s like a weight that you can’t help but carry around inside you. Sometimes it’s heavier and sometimes lighter and occasionally you may even been able to put it down for a very short while, but it’s always always with you and seems inescapable because it follows you everywhere even in your happiest moments it is with you.

There are many people who haven’t had this heavy weight that you carry, and to you their life seems light and easy like they have some kind of inner peace and inner happiness that seems unattainable for you.

I know that for you it’s not about their big house, or the fact she’s never worked, the perfect kids or happy proud parents, it’s the fact that they have had it easy in a way that you feel you can never experience because all these things stem from the luck of having had a happy childhood, good parents that were supportive then and still are now. To you all this seems so lucky and effortless for them (and maybe it has been and maybe it hasn’t) but I totally understand why you would feel the way you do about it, when everything just seems an insurmountable effort for you.

I don’t want to tell how or that you should try and fix it, or heal yourself because I am still on the journey myself, but I just wanted to come on here and validate your feelings and to tell you that they are entirely understandable and reasonable feelings to have and not to beat yourself up for having them. 💐

We don’t have any idea what our happy looking colleagues are dealing with behind closed doors I’m afraid.

You're being very hard on yourself. I think you've got a lot to be proud of. You don't need others to be proud of you though, or point that out. You need to recognise it yourself.

You say that you own a house. That's a massive achievement. It doesn't matter if it's a 2 bed terrace or a massive mansion. You own it.
You also say you have lots of qualifications. Be proud of that. Loads of people have qualifications they haven't used. It just means you have opportunities.

The past shouldn't drag you down either. Your past doesn't define who you are now. It doesn't even need to affect who you are now and how you feel or determine your actions.
I've got things in my past I'm not proud of, but I've not let it get to me, because it's in the
past, and stays there.

Also, don't presume everyone around you has a happy life.
I suppose I'm the sort of person you're talking about. No emotional trauma as a child, good upbringing, good education, good career, nice house. Comfortably well off.

My mental health, however, is terrible. I'm constantly telling myself I don't deserve any of it. I work part time and my DH brings most of the money in, and I feel guilty and awful about it.
People around me presume I have an amazing life though, and the fact that I'm not appreciating it and feeling shit about it, makes me feel even more guilty and worse about myself.