I’m so fed up of being me and having this life. I’m so jealous of those who have nice lives.

[Itsalongtime]

It’s not even a bad life I have at the moment. I’ve got things other people would like to have. I’m just so fed up of the life that has got me here. I lived through emotional neglect as a child then onto a 12 year abusive marriage. I’ve got good qualifications but never used them and I have my own house, a good partner now and 1 child and 1 baby.

Yesterday my partners brother came over and told us they are moving house. The sister in law is a lovely person. She had a normal childhood and met him young and have two lovely children and now buying a lovely big home. I’m so jealous. Although she never worked they are still young. She’s looked after the kids and they have worked up from a small flat to now a lovely big house. Why couldn’t that of been me. Why do I have to be 40 with all these awful memories and life experiences. I feel life is just one big fight. It’s left me with life long health issues and I’m tired. I’m never just going to be normal, I’m jealous of everyone who has nice lives. Why couldn’t that of been me, I had so much potential once.

I knew I was going to get upset when opening this thread.

I was also neglected and my life is actually shit.

You have a partner, kids and a home.
Seriously, what are you missing?
You have my dream life.
I’ve never had any of the things you’ve listed, seriously - I’ve never been an a single date, seriously!
I’m also an only child and I will die alone.

I’d happily swapped lifes with you.

Even with a bad start, you ended up in a good place, some of us don’t get that.
Enjoy what you have.

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs I’m sorry that has happened to you. I can’t stop the way I feel by telling myself other people have it worse, I don’t think it works like that. How I feel is valid to me. I’ve been treated appalling by people who said they loved me. I mean raped by my husband, had abortions that stay with my me my whole life that I’m deeply ashamed of because he tool my choice away. My body has been abused, my mind, my soul. I’ve been hit, thrown, mocked by another. I’ve fought my sodding heart out to get to where I have, I really have because I don’t know where I got it from but I’ve had resilience. I truly want to be happy otherwise I’d have stayed a doormat.

I don’t know why this has happened to me now and why I feel like this now. Perhaps because the first time in my life I’m not living to make another person happy anymore, I’m done with that. I see so many faults in myself now. I’ve always been the one to tell others to appreciate what they have but I can’t take my own advice. I think my husband has given me brain damage because I don’t see things the way I did when I was younger.

@Itsalongtime Most people have given similar advice though, that nothing will change unless you change. If not a massive change at first, how about just listing some positives now.

Tell us something you enjoy. It doesn’t matter how small, but something that makes you smile, that helps you to relax. Tell us something you hope for, either for yourself or for others….your reasons for getting up and facing another day.

Have you been able to get outside and enjoy a little of the good weather? Even just going to the park or sitting outside on your garden, if you have one, will help.

I noticed the daffodils all around where I live and that lifts my spirits. I woke up early today and sat outside with my cuppa and heard the birdsong. All a reminder that Spring is here and things are going to be brighter and renewed. We can renew too.

Start small. If you haven’t managed to get outside, make that a first step. Could you go to the library (with your kids if they’re on half-term) and get a new book to read? Do you have a nice cafe with an outdoor seat where you can people watch? Anything that might lift your spirits.

Could you join one of those groups for meeting people and try to develop a bit of a support network? I’m guessing some will allow you to chat online or via text to start with, a bit like online dating. People sometimes have to make their own family and find likeminded people.

It can be cathartic to clear things off your chest, but eventually, you come back to the same place and need to commit to trying to change things. Are you ready to start? It would be lovely to read about some of things you ARE able to do and things you ENJOY. It can become more positive.

@Bobsyouruncleand a lot of the things I did to make me feel better I can’t do currently as I can’t put the baby down. I like to do the garden but I put her in the bouncer and she screams. She won’t sleep independently so I can’t really do anything which makes me feel down. There is no one to help so I can get some time. We like camping but can’t do that either. I barely get the time to bath. I started knitting but do a line then the baby cries or I need to help with older child. I feel like I have no identity which I know normal mums feel.

My partner helps as much as he can but we also trying to do up and empty his house to get it rented to get money in from it, we can’t do that either. At the moment we both feel frustrated.

I love my baby to bits but she is incredibly hard. Has terrible reflux and milk allergy, she sleeps only 3 hours at night. I’m sure it will pass but at the moment we just surviving. Me not so well as I started lower. I need more practical support but have none. I’ve invited everyone for a coronation party and it’s my aim to knit the bunting but I’ve got zero time.

Hi OP. You have achieved so much. You’ve got a masters degree; you’ve got two children; you’ve just had a baby; you’ve left behind an abusive ex and worked through many of the emotions associated with your traumatic childhood. I think you need to congratulate yourself on making such progress. It’s natural to compare yourself with others, but it gets you nowhere emotionally. Don’t expect too much from your in-laws. Spend your time and energy on nurturing yourself. I found mindfulness meditation really helpful in managing negative thinking. There’s also the Freedom Programme for survivors of DV. Plus you’re sleep deprived, so talk to your partner about him helping you get some rest. Turn the focus onto your own needs; don’t worry about everyone else.

@Itsalongtime could you join the ‘Earn £10 a day’ thread on the money boards and see if you can earn enough to put baby in nursery one day per week? I am able to earn enough for that, even around my full time job as there are lots of good ways to make money on there.

I totally agree that it’s hard work when they’re little. Could you get a baby carrier and strap them to you? I used to do that when my mine were small.

OP it sounds like you suffer from complex PTSD still. When I had it all I could focus on was negatives and everything triggered me. I constantly felt like there was something wrong with me and was obsessed with the idea that people could somehow see how damaged and different I was.
I tried to fix it by having normal life, starting over but it resulted in more emotional trauma. And that's when all the hard work on my part started because I decided that I can't rely on external factors anymore, that I need to heal myself from the inside.

I can also relate so much to not being able to share what you went through with others as they don't understand. All my trauma is difficult to talk to and explain to the point that I had fantasies of my marriage ending in death instead as at least people would understand and offer support etc.

But anyway...

I don't think you should suppress your emotions but what you should do is to observe them and figure out what needs to be done about them.
First it's important to separate valid feelings that are there for a reason and the pain we add on top of it by having our our beliefs.
Beliefs like - life should look certain way, this should not happen to me, I need other people in order to feel validated etc.
Beliefs are results of our conditioning, they are not truths. For example if we lived in society where success was defined by strength of character, overcoming obstacles and growing spiritualy rather then by facades of having a house, marriage and an easy life - would you feel the same? You probably wouldn't.
So first it's important to get rid of all the voices of your parents, your ex, society which don't serve you and are not yours but cause you unnecessary suffering.
Then you will be able to access raw emotions resulting from the experiences you went through and slowly start to let them go.

And in the meantime feel free to vent here and share your feelings freely. 💐

Thanks guys for all your insight. I think it’s made me realise there is a real blurry line between victim and abuser. It does feel nice to be praised, almost addictive. Not a million miles away from my abuser. He had his abusive upbringing used to make me and others feel sorry and it worked a treat. He loved that constant validation, kept him victimised. I don’t want that for myself.

I think I could use my story also to make others feel sorry for me. It’s a horrible story after all. But I don’t want to force it from people or hurt my family to get it. I don’t want to remain a victim forever in order to get that supply and for others to fix me. It hurts me to constantly look back at how bad others have treated me. It’s how to put that identity forced upon me down I struggle with? It’s also difficult when you’ve never received that as a child so it’s missing inside you.

I'm in awe of your self awareness and strength. I absolutely get it. There is a very understandable temptation to remain in the victim (or abuser) identity because of the validation you get. At the end of the day you didn't get validation as a child so why wouldn't you need that? Letting go is painful for so many multi layered reasons. But don't run before you can walk. It IS important to tell your story without judging your need to do that. Because telling is cathartic...for a while....as long as the focus is on moving through the grief, not getting stuck in it. Feel your feelings and use your story as an aide to let the emotions flow. Find a good therapist who both validates you and teaches you self compassion and self validation. In time the gap you're feeling will feel smaller. It won't ever go away completely but you'll find other ways to fill the missing piece, like your own family, and there will be less need to hold onto past identities because you're forming your own from the healing process. Just keep focusing on where you want to be.

I definitely have a victim mentally at times. Well I guess I was one for a long time and my ex kept me as one so that he could rescue me and receive gratitude. It’s not one I wish to keep really.

hi there
I’m sure someone has suggested this but have you spoken to a (supportive) GP about how you’re feeling? You could be prescribed a test dose of 50mg of Sertraline and see if it helps lift this heavy weight of sadness. I tried it while getting to grips with my second child and some PND and it has done wonders. It feels like ‘anti-depressant’ is an old fashioned word for these drugs, which simply boost your serotonin levels (which might be lower due to your challenging upbringing). Anyway, I’d hugely recommend speaking to a GP (and asking to speak to another GP if you don’t get someone empathetic first time round) and trialing them for 3 months. You have nothing to lose. Good luck xx