I’m so fed up of being me and having this life. I’m so jealous of those who have nice lives.

[Itsalongtime]

It’s not even a bad life I have at the moment. I’ve got things other people would like to have. I’m just so fed up of the life that has got me here. I lived through emotional neglect as a child then onto a 12 year abusive marriage. I’ve got good qualifications but never used them and I have my own house, a good partner now and 1 child and 1 baby.

Yesterday my partners brother came over and told us they are moving house. The sister in law is a lovely person. She had a normal childhood and met him young and have two lovely children and now buying a lovely big home. I’m so jealous. Although she never worked they are still young. She’s looked after the kids and they have worked up from a small flat to now a lovely big house. Why couldn’t that of been me. Why do I have to be 40 with all these awful memories and life experiences. I feel life is just one big fight. It’s left me with life long health issues and I’m tired. I’m never just going to be normal, I’m jealous of everyone who has nice lives. Why couldn’t that of been me, I had so much potential once.

OP, My daughter had chronic fatigue for ten years. Couldn’t even get out of bed without feeling exhausted. It took a long time to get a diagnosis. Then the GP suggested CBT. It was once a week for just a few weeks. The transformation was incredible! She now runs her own successful business employing ten people and growing. Chronic Fatigue sucks the life out of you. See your GP - see what you can do. Good luck.

Yes, and people who don't get it will never get it.

Being sexually abused as a pre-teen, plus the neglectful conditions which allowed it to happen, plus the fact that I even disclosed and no one was interested to help, all put together ruined my life.

I got therapy, succeeded, have an independent pleasant life now blah blah. But it still ruined my life. I had no idea how to get to know and marry a nice partner who valued me. No chance of getting pregnant in a nice healthy environment with supportive extended family rallying round. I worked very hard in my career but was crap with boundaries and low sel-esteem so didn't make great money. So now my contemporaries in our 50s are enjoying Easter breaks with grandchildren in lovely houses and I'm doing some extra contract work in a small flat.

I'm used to it now and I really do enjoy my freedom but people who haven't been there have no idea.

My partner is doing the best he can. This is his first child and we kind of have been thrown together in a house and it’s a lot for all of us to get to terms with. We had been together for a few years and the baby was a surprise. He had lived alone for 32 years so it’s a learning curve for him. He seems to accept me but I do hide a lot of my fatigue as I feel a burden. He doesn’t complain about working, but I do find it hard at times being on my own with a baby and a seven year old who doesn’t listen to anything and no support. He can’t be home and work at the same time so I’m sure feels torn. He does lots of really kind things. But he can’t and I don’t expect him to fix in me what is broken. He does not praise me though, he has no idea what I’ve overcome because he came from a good home. I don’t think I’d want the praise. I want to be able to work and contribute. I need to have some value in who I am which I don’t feel I have. I don’t want to be a stay at home mum. I hate the idea of asking for money but I don’t have the energy either.

OP just because you've mentioned the mini pill - it turned me from someone who was always generally happy and had no MH issues to dealing with constant intrusive thoughts about what a bad mother I was and crushing depression.

I'm not trying to ignore everything you've been through because I can see from what you've said how hard things have been for you and the impact it has had, physically and emotionally - just that, particularly as it sounds like a similar thing happened last time you were on it, the minipill might be adding another layer of difficulty for you, and that's something you could change fairly easily. Wishing you all the best.

You are right, you shouldn’t have had to do that BUT YOU DID and I am in awe. That you did it yourself, you paid it off and more than that, you were so fucking good, YOU WON. That is unbelievable and if I knew you IRL and knew you had done that, I’d be shouting from the rooftops about how amazing you are and how proud I am of you. This is not a lie, I am genuinely in awe. Your resilience is astounding and you need a better counsellor to help you see that.

I’ve suffered major health trauma over the last 6 years and I’m having to cut right back on work. Everyone thinks I’m amazing. I don’t. I’m 50, single, no children, no partner for 20 years and celibate for that time. I have one friend who has just emigrated. No man has loved me enough to want to be with me or even say that to me. I’ve got nothing to look forward to. I have to do it all and I can’t. But as I say, others are are amazed at my attitude and I can’t understand why.

Who knows what you have done in the past to keep your kids safe and happy? Who have you given the opportunity to be proud of you other than your twat of a FIL?

I hope one day, you will realise that what you have already managed to do is more than enough to feel proud of.

I understand. I live with something I don’t talk about to anyone anymore as they won’t get it, and their not getting it just makes it worse.

And yes, the exhaustion of always trying to keep yourself just about mentally ok, having to manage your thoughts and feelings.

Yes, it’s hard and it’s isolating.

If she's no qualifications and doesn't work a divorce will have her on her arse and living in social housing on benefits. She hasn't earned any of that off her own back, I would not be remotely jealous, this is not something to aspire to. She could lose it in a blink once her husband decides he wants a younger model.

If that's what your partner's dad said to you, then I am not sure they are the immaculately lovely family you've decided they are.... that's horrible. Any child can act up, and maybe one day those lovely, wonderful cherubs will do it too. Social media is a pile of fake crap. Don't let it get to you.

My siblings and I all live in 4 bed detached houses. I'm not "proud" of that - it just is.

Everything may be lovely in the garden right now but if anything were to go wrong in that marriage, she would be up shit creek without a paddle, no income, no work experience and poor qualifications. You have achieved way, way more off your own back than she ever will. She married a man who could afford to keep her - that's all.

@BrainWontWorkAnymore thank you, your post made me cry. My IDVA at the time said I have resilience. I had no idea what she was talking about. I just wanted at the time for the pain to stop and to secure the future for my child. But then I hid it all from everyone because of the shame about the mess I got myself in. No point telling people who only make it worse. I would have told my dad but he died a year before I left my marriage. I was in court over lockdown so I was completely alone.

^ exactly what I was saying at the same time lol!

She's nothing to aspire to.

@allmyliesaretrue they aren’t married

It’s not the house or the money it’s that people look at them and see success and look at me and see a mess probably. There is no one externally saying I’m proud of me but they have so many saying it to them. I know it’s selfish of me to just want something. All the school reports are perfect, they bake perfect cakes go away all the time. They get commented about how they are amazing parents etc etc. I know I must sound like a twat.

OP I get it, I didn’t have normal parents and made some very bad relationship choices in my 20s although it sounds like you’ve been through worse.

You don’t sound narcissistic at all! You sound like someone who wasn’t sufficiently cared for as a child and that’s left a void within you. I know, because I had it too.

It also sounds like the people around you aren’t very supportive - why do your partner’s family speak to you in such a dismissive way? they don’t have to have experienced your history themselves to have some empathy. My experiences are mild compared to many people but I can still empathise and understand how these things leave a mark. Have you opened up to your partner about how you feel? You should be able to do that with a good partner who cares about you.

I do think fixating on what your partner’s brother and girlfriend are doing is the wrong outlet for your feelings, though. What they’ve “achieved” really isn’t that much of an achievement - it’s more luck and privilege! You’ve achieved much more by turning your life around and breaking the cycle of abuse, and I’m sorry the people around you can’t see that. You absolutely should be proud of doing that.

It is a fact though that there are always going to be people who have easier lives and more money and different/better circumstances, and while I totally understand why you feel resentful of that, it won’t help you feel better. You need to start believing that you are worthy, and be proud of yourself.

They met as teenagers and achieved all that together it must feel so nice and on top of that to have family saying lovey things. Yes if they split she would be in trouble but they were so young when they met neither had anything.

I guess I just want to feel accepted but every-time I release a part of the real me it gets rejected. I am proud of myself because although I did want to roll over and die I never did. I’m always hiding myself away because unfortunately that person is not acceptable.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 they aren't married, well she's an idiot then, none of what you see is hers, not even half of it. People are saying they are "proud" because they have a big house, take that way what do you have? A woman who doesn't want to work and a man who won't even marry her even though he'll happily have 2 children with her. It'll all unravel, you watch.

Yes, starting life with the knowledge that there are people who love you and will help you to succeed. Just knowing that they're there for you. It doesn't matter whether it's a hut or a palace.

@Coffeetree I only went to uni then onto a masters to avoid having to move home. I then moved in with my abusive ex ASAP so I didn’t have to move home. I never knew this at the time. It must be nice for those who’ve always known they have a place for them at home. There is no place I feel at home.

She's in an even more vulnerable position then @Itsalongtime . Perfect brother isn't willing to "put a ring on it" then.

I get you. I'm 20 years older than you are, and I'm having therapy, not for the first time. Like you, everything in life seems to have been a struggle. The only thing in life that ever came easily to me was education. Complex childhood, huge negative work experience many years ago that has blighted my life/career, fertility issues, miscarriages, difficult marriage, loss of close family members, sibling outfalls, being let down massively by what I'd always considered close family. shitty ILs, yada yada yada, you name it, all on top of each other. You wouldn't know any of that looking in from the outside. Lovely family in the end but not always easy either.

I'm almost embarrassed telling the counsellor something else that's set off!! She keeps using words like resilience, integrity, warrior etc but I don't feel any of them, except that I have always fought tool and nail to retain my integrity - but as I said to them, integrity doesn't pay the bills.

I think my parents were proud but they were always ones to criticise the negative rather than celebrate the positive.

What I will say is, don't be me in another two decades with so many regrets. You have years ahead of you. If you need professional help with your little girl, look for that. (Your partner's father is an utter shit for saying that to you!!) Life isn't easy with a small baby either. I think you just get to the point where you feel so exhausted that you just feel that there's nothing left in the tank. That you have finally used up all that resilience and that you just want someone to carry the load. Plus you do get to certain points in your life where you do take stock of all that's gone before.

I think it's important to always have something lovely to look forward to. Be kind to yourself. You've had tough times (and I honestly believe that everyone gets their turn; even Queen Elizabeth had an "annus horribilus". No-one gets out of this life thing unscathed. I think you need to find a way to recognise the good in your life and let go the bad - and trust me, I know it isn't easy xx

@allmyliesaretrue I really do feel I’ve ran out of my resilience. I can’t stop this chronic fatigue no matter how much I try and push through it. I can’t put resilience it and it’s getting me down.

I literally know two couples who got together as teenagers who are still together now.

She has literally achieved zilch off her own back. She's left herself utterly dependent on him. Especially as they aren't married.

There's a lot of people in the world who feel they don't belong or feel at home. Me bring one. You're really not alone in experiencing what you have. It's extra painful to believe everyone else had/has it great and you lost out. In fact suffering is everywhere.

@allmyliesaretrue they are lovely people, so relaxed. I’m so jealous of that. On the outside they really do have it all. I know it can be taken in a heartbeat. I’m vulnerable now which maybe is why I’m having a hard time. I need to rely on my partner and it terrifies me. I don’t want to be vulnerable. If he leaves me I am screwed with 2 children now and bad health.

You don't always have to @Itsalongtime - sometimes you just have to keep 'being' until you feel stronger. What age is your baby? Have you spoken to your GP recently? I think (in my totally unprofessional opinion) you would benefit from some support right now? Whether it's medication or therapy, whatever it takes. When you think of all you have been through and triumphed each horrendous experience - you got this girl. I'm educated to masters level too, but nearly 20 years on I am still answering to people who don't have even a fraction of my qualifications.

Maybe you could speak to a career counsellor and look at ways you could start to use those qualifications? I wish that's what I had done but life got in the way and I never did. Baby steps xx

I am reminded of something that my father used to say to me when I was a child: "nobody ever said that life would be fair."