I’m so fed up of being me and having this life. I’m so jealous of those who have nice lives.

[Itsalongtime]

It’s not even a bad life I have at the moment. I’ve got things other people would like to have. I’m just so fed up of the life that has got me here. I lived through emotional neglect as a child then onto a 12 year abusive marriage. I’ve got good qualifications but never used them and I have my own house, a good partner now and 1 child and 1 baby.

Yesterday my partners brother came over and told us they are moving house. The sister in law is a lovely person. She had a normal childhood and met him young and have two lovely children and now buying a lovely big home. I’m so jealous. Although she never worked they are still young. She’s looked after the kids and they have worked up from a small flat to now a lovely big house. Why couldn’t that of been me. Why do I have to be 40 with all these awful memories and life experiences. I feel life is just one big fight. It’s left me with life long health issues and I’m tired. I’m never just going to be normal, I’m jealous of everyone who has nice lives. Why couldn’t that of been me, I had so much potential once.

Are you getting any support for your ME? A GP who takes it seriously, or an online support group? Do you feel you are dealing with that alone as well? That is an enormous burden for anybody that carry, even without the struggles you have already faced.

I’m sorry you had such rubbish parents. The children in the same family are all parented differently, (different life stage for parents/relationship/birth order/personality) It’s no surprise your brother has been affected differently.

You didn’t choose what you’ve been through, no one would.

You are looking to others for happiness. No one needs to understand you. You do, however, need to understand yourself, and the only way you can do that is through therapy.

You have a partner, two children and a home. Your children are young and you have so many happy years ahead making their childhoods into what you never experienced.

I had a horrible childhood and live in a tiny house with dh and three dc, each of who has additional needs. I can't work because my middle dc is so seriously disabled. We lost our house last year because I can't work and moved 200 miles to afford another.

But I am really happy. I engaged in therapy for 10 years and I am at peace and able to enjoy my rather wonderful life.

OP you are young, it is never too late to heal.
I would totally recommend counselling or therapy.
The journey towards self compassion and love never ends, but as we travel we can start to find greateer joy, calm and contentedness.

Self nurture is crucial.

@maslinpan I belong to an online support group but other then that I deal with that alone also. Every time I bring it up it’s shot down. My partner understands to an extent but not really as it’s difficult if you don’t have it. I pretty much hide it and push through all the time. As I’ve done with everything in my life. His family don’t seem to care, well have never offered any support. I don’t think they’d have chosen me as a partner for their son. An ex abuse victim with long term health condition.

I think a lot of life outcomes are down to childhood experiences unfortunately.

Can you think about what would make you more fulfilled in life? What can you do to get there?

I go through phases of this sometimes, so please know you're not alone!

Everyone may be envious from time to time obviously you don't go around saying it in real life.

Perhaps people feel the same about you, you have a nice house and you own it. You can't think like this OP.

Hi OP

You write very clearly and compelling about your really difficult past. I wonder what your thoughts are on what is most useful for the next 4 decades of your life out of these two (admittedly poorly worded!) options -

1. Option 1: Use the next 4 decades to think about how badly you were let down in the last 4 decades.
2. Option 2: Use the next 4 decades to make and action little plans - around a hobby, wellness, perhaps a suitable job, perhaps children - and include some boring I know but still useful therapy.

Imagine you at 80. What would you like the last 4 decades to have looked like when you are turning 80? You’ve said how your life started but what happened in your 40s 50s 60s 70s? Paint us a picture of what might happen in these decades?

Sorry I didn’t mean this to be a woe look at my terrible life thread. I’m fortunate in some ways but unable to appreciate it really which makes it useless. I’m sorry others have also dealt with this and not had a great life also. I am just surrounded by people at the moment who have it easy or do not understand me at all and it’s really triggering me. My story to most people is quite pathetic or my fault, I take it to heart that there is something wrong with me.

I think you have done a lot that you can be proud of there OP. I get what you are saying though, people cannot see how far you have come, but you have come a long way and should be proud of that fact.
Can you spend less time with your partners family, they are really not helping with their attitude and comments. They sound absolutely clueless and a bit cruel really. I wouldn't share any problems or anything with them when you do see them, just talk about TV or sport or whatever. Do you have some good supportive friends you can properly talk to?

Also muting or deleting social media for a while would also help I think. You do just see people picture perfect lives on there. I barely use it for that reason.

You never know what goes on behind closed doors i.e you don't know the issues that your SIL faces. And also comparison is the theif of all joy, as you said you have much to be thankful for.

I am sorry but this thread has really riled me. I also had an awful childhood and
have had to get where I am kicking and screaming. I still don't own my own home and probably never will (too old) and my dp is in the main pretty unsupportive (I am in the process of trying to move out). So if your life is so awful I wonder what you would make of mine? Yours sounds pretty wonderful to me. I try not to get down by my life and always look to the positives. Then I see something like this from someone who is actually much more fortunate than me and doesn't see it that way. Comparison really is the thief of joy op

You should be proud of yourself! You’ve come a long way. I am proud of you!

I had some not best moments in my life. I made a point of mentally shutting the door on them and looking forward. On odd occasions when that part of my life pops up in my thoughts I now feel it wasn’t really real and chase those thoughts back behind that door and firmly shut it.

When I did sociology back in the day a lot of the research pointed to being at the top of whatever friendship circle and neighbourhood who live in. Everyone says comparison is the thief of joy but it’s hard skill to not to compare.
Basically get out and about amongst the people who don’t have what you do.
Use you’re experience and qualifications to help others.
Also I think remembering you are not the first or last helps. It’s not just you. Hope things get better for you Op.

@SittingNextToIt ive taken up knitting which I enjoy. I would really like to be able to contribute financially or even more physically but my health is not that good. I feel like he will eventually leave me. I have a house and he has one that if we both sold we could get a lovely home together. But I don’t want to because if he leaves I won’t be able to cope with that again. I’m pretty scared about my health and being a burden but I’m so so tired all the time. I feel I’m no real use anymore.

I think it’s so easy to look at other people’s lives and assume they have it better, especially on social media where people put on a front to try and look their best. I guarantee everyone has something in their life that is challenging, even if they don’t show it in public

I understand how you feel. My life has been shut. I had a bad childhood followed by an abusive marriage and a severely disabled dc. I wish I'd even had a typical child to help me heal from the pain of my own family.

It helps me to recognise that everyone has difficulties and there are always people in worse situations than me. Not to minimise my feelings which I've sought therapy for, but to not get lost in despair and jealousy.

There's nothing wrong with you, you have just been dealt a shitty hand in life, and you've achieved a lot in getting to where you are.

I do think you should consider whether these "perfect" people around you who appear to put you down and devalue you are actually quite toxic, rather than living ideal lives. Nobody decent would say what your FIL said to you.

You need to get unstuck from the pattern of being jealous, because it's harmful to your happiness. But you're not wrong that it isn't fair the start in life you had and your experiences, nor that people without those experiences are starting with an advantage. Shit it isn't fair you have ME.

But you need to focus on the good in your life now, your kids, your home, and surround yourself with people who are radiators not drains to you. If people don't make you feel valued or good, then reduce contact with them.

You grew up in a dysfunctional family and you are trying to break the cycle. You sound like a legend.

"I want to go back". But you can't can you? This viewpoint is not practical. And blaming anyone else is a pointless emotion aswell. All you can do is take charge of your own destiny/view of it, from here on in.

I have a nice life and people looking in will often comment on it and show envy.

But there is deep rooted trauma. Lots of bereavement and whilst not an abusive childhood, not a happy one either.

It sounds like you've done incredibly well to get to where you are. Your life is in a good place, no one can erase your trauma but I hope you can focus on the present

@category12 I’m always so scared of being rejected. I don’t even think my partner will stay with me because I can’t contribute really now. Instead of accepting me with open arms I’m sure his family think he can do better. What mum wants their son to marry a burden on their life financially, career wise etc etc. I know what they think. Unfortunately one aspect of being abused is that I’m really good at reading people.

Really?

you are a mistake or your life is?

Really?

Being authentically you - you are a survivor. Despite abuse you are well qualified, a great mother, broken the cycle, and a compassionate and empathetic human being.

My parents are millionaires yet couldn’t bring themselves to be compassionate to me. I had siblings they doted on. I was an amazing happy child despite daily beating - some so bad I was put in hospital yet no one suspected child abuse - especially not against one child and only one child.
I got a degree and a phD despite them not because of them. I married an abuser.

but I divorced him and fought for my children. Despite everything my children are happy and NC with my parents as my parents started favouring one over the other - repeating the pattern.

Start rephrasing - I’ve been in counselling for two years - done me the world of good. To be listened to and appreciate that parents who hired a boat for my sisters 21 st party and then did nothing for mine - and I mean nothing no card nothing - they said they forgot. This is not normal.

even surviving is a miracle

find you

what do you like? What makes you happy?

it has taken me 50 years to understand that for me what impresses my parents doesn’t make me happy as they are impressed by money and I haven’t got any. But I have two amazing happy well adjusted children and two dogs and I’m happy sitting in the garden reading a book.

do things that make you happy - sod everyone else eg a nice cup of coffee and feel the sun on your face and understand you might not have been blessed with nice parents but you are a blessing to others xx

@Itsalongtime Do you really feel that your father-in-law was criticising your parenting or just your child’s father? If he really was putting this on you and that’s not just how you feel, I wouldn’t engage with him any further.

People have asked if your partner is good to you and says he is proud of you or does things to take care of you and make you feel safe. If he does, surely that is important. If he doesn’t, maybe he isn’t the right man to be with either.

The things you seem to want are all very superficial. I mean this in the nicest way. If any of those had ill health or something significant happen, the big house wouldn’t mean a thing. I’m presuming that they’ve also bought it with a hefty mortgage, so they’ve got a big house on credit, which they do not own and won’t own for some time. If the house prices change/mortgage rates go up, that could all be gone in a flash.

If you now have a decorated home and you are secure in your property, there is a lot to be said for that. All they did was get a loan to buy a big box - hardly worth a lot of praise. You have protected your child(ren), fought hard to take care of them, created a loving, cosy home for them. That is definitely something to feel proud of. It isn’t something you will talk about with most people so of course you’re not going to get external validation but your children are the ones that matter and they will see (eventually, even if not yet) what you sacrificed for them.

For a bit of background info, I didn’t have the best childhood with emotional abuse, some physical from my father and to this day, feelings of inadequacy. I’ve had therapy and it has helped a little but it doesn’t remove those negative thoughts. I have to do that on a daily basis. I never felt good enough as a child and of course I now compare myself. I’m in a stable job which is fairly average in terms of salary, prospects etc but it makes me feel good (despite days I moan about it) because that is my purpose, to do nice things for other people. It pays my bills and I pay myself on the back for giving my family stability.

I live in a nice area but we are definitely the poor ones in our area. I do look and wonder how they all got their perfect lives, but having got to know the school mums in this area, I know so many are unhappy. Lots of sahm mums that have no purpose, husbands that work away for weeks on end to afford the big house and they hate being sole parent, husbands that then come home and expect to do things with friends etc and still not spend a lot of time with their family/kids. We don’t have all that wealth, but my DH and I spend lots of quality time with our kids and it is paying off. That makes me proud.

I used to look at my children’s friends who were all jetting off to the Maldives or Mexico for half term and feel so jealous, but when we go on our little Haven holiday, my kids are happy, the rest does me good and I don’t know how much happier they really are from jetting off somewhere exotic. I’ve now found some really reasonable ways of getting abroad (albeit not in their luxury) but that is exciting and just having something to aim for, is giving me purpose again. If I can get abroad, I won’t care that it’s not somewhere fancy.

Coming back to you, could you think of a few things you would like to achieve and find ways of striving for them? If not the big house, maybe a move somewhere new. If not a fancy holiday, maybe a little trip somewhere and you find ways of earning enough to get there and then pat yourself on the back when you get there. I use the money boards like earn £10 per day, to earn money for little treats and the sense of accomplishment is massive - even if it pays a lot less than my day job. I congratulate myself because I found those threads and was proactive about doing the work and the treat is the reward at the end. Seeing my family benefit from that, makes me feel happy.

I apologise for the length of my post, but hopefully it may give you some ways of giving yourself a little boost! I still don’t have family but I find ways of making up for that in my own determination and motivation. I put my energy into being the change for my kids and as you know, feeling loved, appreciated, congratulated etc is all far more important than just having a big house. I know lots of kids that have grown up in a big house (myself included) that are miserable because they had the kind of life you had, or they just grow up to be entitled little shits that don’t appreciate it and will never have that sense of joy when they achieve something.

I’ve only recently discovered that my childhood had been so bad and I’m sad about it and angry and hundreds of other emotions. I wanted to find out why I picked an abusive husband and it’s opened a can of worms. I keep trying to shove them back in the can but things like them buying a house and out they come.