I’m so fed up of being me and having this life. I’m so jealous of those who have nice lives.

[Itsalongtime]

It’s not even a bad life I have at the moment. I’ve got things other people would like to have. I’m just so fed up of the life that has got me here. I lived through emotional neglect as a child then onto a 12 year abusive marriage. I’ve got good qualifications but never used them and I have my own house, a good partner now and 1 child and 1 baby.

Yesterday my partners brother came over and told us they are moving house. The sister in law is a lovely person. She had a normal childhood and met him young and have two lovely children and now buying a lovely big home. I’m so jealous. Although she never worked they are still young. She’s looked after the kids and they have worked up from a small flat to now a lovely big house. Why couldn’t that of been me. Why do I have to be 40 with all these awful memories and life experiences. I feel life is just one big fight. It’s left me with life long health issues and I’m tired. I’m never just going to be normal, I’m jealous of everyone who has nice lives. Why couldn’t that of been me, I had so much potential once.

It's much easier to move forward from a stable start. That's why some people are 'ahead' of you. BUT the fact that you've achieved so much given your awful start is a huge credit to you. As a PO said many struggle to break free, and you should be very proud that you are one that has. It's no mean feat.

I second the whole therapy recommendations again.

One thing I always get people to do,when they are despairing is to stop, and loom back. To acknowledge how far you have come, what you have overcome. To recognise and celebrate your achievements, which are many when you really think about it. Really taking the time to acknowledge

Listening to what you've achieved and overcome in your life OP I think you should be very proud of yourself. I bet your brother and partner are very proud of you.

I feel you.

I’m mid-30’s and I am so disappointed at my life from my teens till now. And stuck in a situation I can’t get out of and I wonder when I will, if I ever will, enjoy life. It’s shit.

I do think you’re focusing on the negative. Surely your partner is proud of you?

Maybe take some time to shift your perspective.
Volunteer at a food bank or a women’s refuge or an animal care centre. It won’t take long before you realise that you’re living a life other people dream of having.

Ah shit so many typos and hit send too soon
*look and PP

To finish off, really take the time and give yourself the pat on the back you so richly deserve. I don't know you and I'm in awe (I chose that word carefully) of you and how far you've come. You and all posters who've had a shit start and made good lives are remarkable and wonderful. Sincerely.

There's a thread on here somewhere asking people where they were 10 years ago vs now. Give it a read. It's amazing to hear the (mainly positive) stories of shit turned to good. It's amazing what's possible.

Social media is a great liar, OP. You don't know what goes on under those picture perfect lives. As I also learned, those with apparent picture perfect lives have fragility. My child died. Picture perfect lives can change in an instant. My social media looks idyllic just because I'm not the kind of person to share what's not going so well. To me, anyone who has all their kids alive has it made. Not to minimise the struggles you have been through, just to show how you can't trust the appearance of picture perfect.

@lightlypoached I have achieved but they are not things that people see. I want to feel that sense of pride when others say you’ve done so well. On the outside I look like someone who hasn’t done much at all. No one says anything to me, they feel like they aren’t achievements at all. The people around me think I chose my abusive husband. They think my parents were good so why do I complain. I can’t speak about anything.

OP, I feel exactly the same as you although I’m not where you are in life. I’m grateful to you for starting this thread.

I’m in my 40s and childless because of some now-resolved health issues. We are trying now but it’s probably too late. We can only afford to buy our first home now, right when interest rates have rocketed, and we just lost out on a house we really wanted. The house we rent is pretty awful (although at least the rent is currently low) and I am surrounded by people with houses, families and years of savings.

I don’t think it will help if I tell you others are worse off or would like what you have, because that’s not what matters here. What matters is how you feel. You need to grieve for what you didn’t have. I really would recommend therapy, it has helped me a lot.

What a shitty thing for your FIL to say to you.

Is your eldest from the previous abusive relationship? I can't fathom saying that unless he just meant your dd's dad.

If not, he's an arse and perhaps the people you're surrounded with aren't very nice, and it not being you, but them?

External validation won't change the way you feel. I second the recommendations to re-explore trauma therapy

They aren’t good parents if they say shit like this to people!

Try not to brood over what you see of other people's lives on social media, mute your partner's family on FB because it's only going to feed your feelings of being different. It's so superficial of them to be constantly praising each other in public, what value does that actually have?
It might be more useful to reflect on what would allow you to be proud of yourself, is there any achievement which would actually get you to that point? Are you ever going to acknowledge where you got to after all the barriers you have overcome? Can you give yourself credit, or are you too used to being hard on yourself? Getting out of an abusive marriage, and into a positive and healthy relationship is a major achievement - you did that, on your own.

Yes my eldest is from my abusive marriage. They very much you get what you reap people. The girlfriend came from a nice family, she is calm and a great mother. Me on the other hand well I’m shit apparently. I’m fed up of trying to look perfect when I’m a shit mess most of the time but I’m trying .

Delete your social media accounts. Focus on the here and now.

Look to the future OP

Your children will be proud of you. They sound a bit young at the moment.

You will be proud of them.

You can't change the past,. But you aren't going that way.

Who wants a "big house"?

A cosy, love filled house yes. But big is JUST big.

Your body has created two new humans. You have access to the world wide web full of knowledge and, might take a while to find them, good people. Spend your time seeking out ways to improve your health. There are thousands of people who have been through everything online who are kind enough to pass on knowledge, experience, what has worked and not worked for them, for free, online. Use their kindness.

We all get buried in the same size box OP. Try and not let what you don't have absorb your life.

Cuddle your baby, play teddy tea set with toddler? Splash in a puddle. Have a second childhood playing with your children. I did. I never had a train set as a child but I made up for that with our kids. Think I was the most upset when they outgrew it. (I put on a brave face as I handed it to their nursery school).

My H's mates are all high achievers. H took a bit longer to get going. We were much more let's see where today takes us. It took me and the kids and over a decade to get H where he is now. And the high achievers, ove half their kids are on ASD medications, the parents are stressed keeping up a lifestyle that looks from the outside hard work and shallow. Give me a more modest life and kids not on medication anyday of the week.

You have a house, good partner and two kids despite your previous marriage and childhood. You are stronger than you know. Don't let your past continue to suck joy from your future. That really would be a waste.

Wish you well OP.

@maslinpan im tired of always having to do it alone. Ive fought and fought until I have chronic fatigue syndrome now and ache all the time. I can’t work and do what I want to to make my life better. I did a lot. I took my ex to court alone, my family I hid it from, I hid the ptsd, I’ve no idea how, I hid the abuse. It took 2 years but I got the divorce and got him out of my house as he refused to go. That took two years. When I got the house back I had to redecorate top to bottom, on my own as no one wanted to help that took a year as I got so tired. It took 2 years to pay off the solicitor on my own. Then 3 years at family court, again on my own. At no point does anyone ever say anything to me. But when someone gets a nice house or something everyone says how proud they are.

You have had a rubbish time.
Buy you should feel proud of yourself. You have a house, a marriage and 2 children. In fact those are often 3 main boxes people want to tick.

You’re only halfway through your life. You have the benefit of entering this second half with a whole load of life experience. A lot of it you’d rather not have had, but you will understand things others don’t, and at times this can be a huge help.

What qualifications do you have? Would it be possible to look into this again?
What actually would make you happy?

@Wishona id like to go back and start all over again but this time have nice parents. I’m entering the next half of my life unwell from all the fighting. I’ll be unwell and fatigued and in pain forever. It’s going to be another potential 40 years with M.E and dealing with that. I don’t want that.

This "perfect" set of people around you are arseholes, OP. Empathy-free, stone-cold twats.

You don't want to be like them, you really don't.

Is your current partner like them?

I would spend less time with them and start looking to develop a social circle of people who are actually nice to you.

Who is telling you you are a failure and a bad mother?

And you are amazing, OP. Well done, you've got incredible grit.

@category12 I shouldn’t have had to do that though. I’m so jealous of those who haven’t wasted all their youth and energy and health fighting. I want to be like them.

@Itsalongtime I can relate so much. My life is similar only guess what....I don't have the nice partner nor any prospect of one. I didn't get my home back from the abusive ex, I lost it. I did get the MECFS and I have to keep working or I will lose this house (that I can't decorate or maintain) . I could look at you and feel envy!

The only answer is to look at yourself with compassion. Give credit to yourself and not seek external validation.

I just seem to be surrounded by people with great lives at the moment.

What is wrong with your life?

You sound like you have a great life and I would love to own my own home and find a nice partner.

I’m a single parent with zero help and work FT just to cover my rent and bills with barely any money left over, so chances are I will never own my own home.

There are not many people who are envious of my life but I still love my life because me and my child are in ok health and we both feel safe and secure in our home.