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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP locked me out for fun

189 replies

bookbu · 08/04/2023 08:05

He does have a form of these pranks that aren't even funny.

Every single time I have been told I'm unreasonable, don't have any sense of humour as anyone else would find it hilarious, and I need to start working on my behaviour and reactions to these.

He locked me out of home when I was hanging a washing in the garden yesterday. He just stood there in the kitchen looking at me when I was knocking the patio door asking him to let me back in. Eventually I started crying there and went straight upstairs once he finally let me in. Then I have been told how wrong my reaction was.

My ex husband used to lock the door so I couldn't leave the house when we argued. This prank just triggered me so much. What's the best reaction when someone does this type of jokes? DP won't listen if I asked that he stopps doing these. I have asked yesterday and only been told to stop being so boring and to start working on my behavior because my reactions are all wrong. I'm so sad, upset but deep down I'm not even sure if that's the right thing

OP posts:

TooOldForThisNonsense · 08/04/2023 11:24

He’s an abusive, gaslighting wanker

Whatnowfgs · 08/04/2023 11:29

I have to say I think @Greenfairydust called it

"This is a calculated act to unsettle/hurt/humiliate you and then gaslight you by passing it as a ''joke''."

Daffodilsandtuplips · 08/04/2023 11:30

“I don’t need to work on my reactions to your domestic abuse…yes you heard me right..you are an abuser. You know my past history with my ex, how he locked me in and how it affected me…and yet here we are, with you treating me in exactly the same way yet you think it’s funny. This in my eyes makes you no better than him. It’s cruel and is making me re think our relationship, I deserve better from you”

evtheria · 08/04/2023 11:31

PortmeirionTiles · 08/04/2023 08:10

I wouldn’t be triggered as such by this because I fortunately don’t have the history you’ve had, but I wouldn’t think it was funny in the slightest. Where’s the joke? That you were busy doing household chores and he was stuffing around stopping you getting on with it? I fail to see the funny side. I’m completely with you, OP.

Agreed.

FictionalCharacter · 08/04/2023 11:43

What a horrible bully. He’s doing it to humiliate you and enjoy your distress. But the fact that he’s telling you your reactions are all wrong is very sinister. If he won’t stop, and continues to laugh at you and tell you you’re wrong, there’s no future in the relationship. He needs to understand that.

As always with people like this - would he do it to his dad, his work colleagues or his boss? 🤔

Hellno45 · 08/04/2023 11:44

It's not funny. It's not a joke or a prank because you don't find it amusing. If he can't respect that and stop you need to end the relationship.

If he knows about your past and has done this then he is a cruel, sadistic bastard who is abusing you. If he doesn't know then it's a a joke gone wrong.

What I find even more worrying is the fact that instead of being mortified that he upset you and begging forgiveness he is trying to blow smoke up your arse and act like your the problem. That is abusive.

TBH @bookbu I think you need to end this relationship and do the freedom program.

slowquickstep · 08/04/2023 11:51

He is a cruel man that gets a kick out of reducing you to tears. He obviously has no love for you whatsoever. You deserve so much better.

itsgettingweird · 08/04/2023 11:53

You know you need to leave right?

No one should be telling you how to behave or react to events where they are controlling what you can and can't do.

oachkatzl · 08/04/2023 12:10

Awful man.
What other "pranks" has he played? I presume this is just the latest in a long line of similar behaviours.
You've asked him to stop and he has ignored you and continued to do it. That shows that he's doing it deliberately to upset you and then telling you that you need to work on your reactions and behaviours. No, he needs to stop doing something which he knows upsets you.

I wouldn't put up with this at all. If he kept doing this to me when I had clearly asked him to stop he would be out the door - because this sort of thing gets worse, not better - ie. length of time locked out lasts longer, he thinks of other "pranks" to upset you with.

Dustybarn · 08/04/2023 12:14

The idea of him staring at you through the door as you cry is beyond unsettling. There is something very wrong with this man. Please pack your bags before his “pranks” escalate to full scale abuse.

Topseyt123 · 08/04/2023 12:16

Not funny at all. Abusive even.

What a wanker! I'd seriously consider dumping his sorry arse.

Couldyounot · 08/04/2023 12:17

What's the best reaction when someone does this type of jokes?

"Do anything like that ever again and I will break your fucking hands."

Pranks are only if you are a psychopath who delights in making people upset, or if you have some sort of brain injury.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/04/2023 12:17

Dustybarn · Today 12:14
The idea of him staring at you through the door as you cry is beyond unsettling. There is something very wrong with this man”

This, with bloody great bells on.

AxolotlOnions · 08/04/2023 12:19

He's either an abusive bully or he's 12 years old. Either way you need to send him home to his mum, you should not be dating him.

Therealjudgejudy · 08/04/2023 12:20

He is an immature, bullying prick.

I'd lock him out....for good

SkiingIsHeaven · 08/04/2023 12:34

I would have put all his washing in the mud and stomped on it. Then left it there.

Countdown2023 · 08/04/2023 12:43

This is not normal behaviour for an adult.

Original poster

bookbu · 08/04/2023 12:44

That's right, he gets off reactions to his jokes. It all escalated since we moved in together earlier this year. It seems like everyday there is something going on. Yesterday was that, earlier on the day he tells me I will need to look after his DD od Friday all day because he is going to do some overtime at work. I work from home so why would I not? It seems like I no longer have a say on what happens in my life, I'm just told that his DD is here to see me too and why would I want to let her down and refuse to spend a day with her.

He has promissed happy home, exactly what I wanted, peace, family, beautiful future but from the time when we moved in together it gets worse and worse. We're two months in and I'm at the point where I don't even want to talk to him. He is pestering me for sex and bjs, but I think I've lost all respect for him and not sure if it is repairable.

I wouldn't do pranks in him, he is very good at hiding emotions but will take it out on me later. Dangerous driving when I'm in the car it's one of the other things he does. Joking that he would burn someone's car is something else I keep hearing. Because he doesn't seem to understand basic logic now (something that he is as able to do in the past) I'm scared anything I do will escalate it even more.

I have family and friends. None of them like him, although all of them were happy that I was in, what I thought a loving relationship with decent plans for a future.

How am I going to tell them I'm in the same mess again. They will just think I'm stupid I've done it again. I'm so naive.

We have rented a home and its a joint tennancy and as far as I know both of us must agree to end it. All the furniture in the house is mine but I don't think I can afford paying rent on my own, it's about £1k a month. I'm in such a mess emotionally I'm not sure where do I stand in this. What if I move out but he refuses and I'm going end up having to pay the rent I can't afford?

OP posts:

Original poster

bookbu · 08/04/2023 12:47

Apologies for typos...

OP posts:

America12 · 08/04/2023 12:51

He's an abusive bully. Not funny in the first place but then to tell you to change your behaviour when you're crying is abuse.

samqueens · 08/04/2023 12:55

where were you living before you moved in with him? You’ve not been living together long, so however hard it feels it will be easier to make a break now than wait…

please don’t worry about your family and friends - there’s a reason they don’t like him and they want you to be happy. They will be glad you’re getting out of an abusive relationship and that you dodged this bullet to some extent.

Take responsibility for your contraception - moving in together is often a moment when abusive men ramp things up, but getting pregnant/having a baby is the same and it seems unlikely you want to be tied to this man for the rest of your life.

talk to someone you trust, read your tenancy agreement carefully to see what’s possible, make a plan and leave safely. Whatever the cost it will be worth it to be able to rebuild your self esteem and well being. Call women’s aid - they will be able to advise you on how best to deal with some of the practicalities and on how you could approach this with him.

do read the book I mentioned earlier - the idea that there’s anything you can do to change this behaviour is (sadly) unrealistic. This is his problem - don’t give him any more of your life

good luck 💐

oachkatzl · 08/04/2023 12:55

Get him gone. The relationship is already over.

How am I going to tell them I'm in the same mess again. They will just think I'm stupid I've done it again. I'm so naive

If they judge you for this they aren't your friends.

How long is the tenancy for? Do you have a copy of the rental contract so that you can check up the clauses about termination of the contract?
Could you boot him out and get a flatmate to move in for a few months until the tenancy is up? This all depends on the legal situation of the contract of course.

bellissimiaow · 08/04/2023 12:57

First off, find out what the terms of the tenancy agreement are and how much notice is needed to end it.
Then tell him living together is not working for you so you need to discuss how to end it - either you both move out and find your own separate places, or one or the other stays in the house (and gets a lodger to help pay the rent?)

Apologies it's probably not as easy as that but a conversation needs to be had SOON because this will not get better for you. It will get a lot worse if this is what he's like after only 2 months.

category12 · 08/04/2023 12:57

Speak to Shelter about your options with the tenancy.

This isn't reparable - he's not a good man. He thinks he's "got" you which is why his behaviour was worsened since you've moved in together.

I'm sure your family and friends would rather you got out and be glad that you're seeing him as they do, than you were too embarrassed to leave.

bellissimiaow · 08/04/2023 13:01

Agree with @samqueens do not whatever you do get pregnant with this guy otherwise you'll be tied to him and his idiotic jokes for the rest of your life.
You don't need a reason to break it off with him, your friends and family will know why though and they will understand. They already don't like him.

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