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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP locked me out for fun

189 replies

bookbu · 08/04/2023 08:05

He does have a form of these pranks that aren't even funny.

Every single time I have been told I'm unreasonable, don't have any sense of humour as anyone else would find it hilarious, and I need to start working on my behaviour and reactions to these.

He locked me out of home when I was hanging a washing in the garden yesterday. He just stood there in the kitchen looking at me when I was knocking the patio door asking him to let me back in. Eventually I started crying there and went straight upstairs once he finally let me in. Then I have been told how wrong my reaction was.

My ex husband used to lock the door so I couldn't leave the house when we argued. This prank just triggered me so much. What's the best reaction when someone does this type of jokes? DP won't listen if I asked that he stopps doing these. I have asked yesterday and only been told to stop being so boring and to start working on my behavior because my reactions are all wrong. I'm so sad, upset but deep down I'm not even sure if that's the right thing

OP posts:
Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 08/04/2023 08:57

I would leave him. You've told him you don't enjoy this behaviour and yet he simply doesn't care and makes it your problem. This isn't a you problem, this is a him problem. He's an abusive twat and he has shown he won't change. You deserve better than that.

SoggyPigeon · 08/04/2023 09:01

Why do you want to be with a man who makes you cry?

Livinghappy · 08/04/2023 09:02

He can't tell you that your reactions are wrong. They are your reactions based on your emotions, personality traits and experiences. It's really invalidating when he says this.

Think about it..he is telling you that YOU have to change so that HE can continue to behave (stupidly) how he wants to.

Is this your house as well? I suspect there is an element of control to this. What is the payoff for his behaviour? Maybe during the time you are outside getting upset he feels in control??

It might feel like a massive over reaction but I would ltb. I doubt this is the only time he upsets you but the biggest red flag is him telling you that your emotions are wrong. You are not an animal to be trained...you are you and that's perfectly OK.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 08/04/2023 09:02

Do it to him, next time he's in a rush or watching something he's interested in, on the telly, when it's the least convenient time, ask him to grab something from the car or back garden, lock the door and leave him out there for 15 minutes. When he gets cross say exactly the same to him.

Showersugar · 08/04/2023 09:02

Locking the door automatically puts him in a position of power over of you, which he enjoyed (that's evident from him considering it a 'joke' - he gets pleasure and enjoyment from having power over you).

Policing your perfectly-reasonable reaction to it and critiquing your character is gaslighting, a classic attempt at creating disreality and trying to make you doubt yourself.

The fact this isn't the first time he's mocked you this way means it's a pattern of behaviour.

This is abuse. It is illegal (not the individual incident, but the wider pattern of behaviour).

Mumma · 08/04/2023 09:03

What a prick. That would seriously upset me. He's acting like a teenager.

samqueens · 08/04/2023 09:06

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 08/04/2023 08:10

This behaviour is emotional abuse as he is totally dismissing your feelings. I had this for 8 years. He's my ex for a reason. It's even worse if he knows what your ex did as he would then know how that would make you feel.

This I’m afraid…

You might find it helpful to read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (You can download on kindle app - read discreetly of course).

I’m so sorry OP - but it’s not you, it’s him 💐💐

Houseplantmad · 08/04/2023 09:07

So he’s getting entertainment from your obvious unhappiness - what a shitty thing to do to anyone. I’d show him this thread.

Straycatblue · 08/04/2023 09:09

It sounds like sadly you have swapped one abusive relationship for another.

It's not a funny prank (maybe in a different situation but most folk would find that annoying when they are trying to get on with workload)

He didn't care that his partner was crying outside

He blamed you for being upset and not reacting in the way he wanted you to (or & have a think about this.. maybe he actually was trying to make you cry )

He knows you were in an abusive relationship where you have been held against your will in a locked room , he either is monumentally stupid that he can't see being deliberately locked out against your will would be triggering or he did it deliberately.
Whichever it is both would make me question the future of relationship.

Rightsraptor · 08/04/2023 09:10

Lock him out. See how funny he thinks that is.

Penguinsmum · 08/04/2023 09:11

Ask any stand up comedian...a joke is only funny if the audience laughs. His behaviour made you cry. He sounds like a bully.

Easterfunbun · 08/04/2023 09:12

That isn’t funny and I would be inclined to lock the cunt out for hours and then see how he reacts and then berate him for his “over reaction”. Then I would divorce him.

Fraaahnces · 08/04/2023 09:13

Is he twelve? What kind of fuckwit finds someone else’s stress response funny? Does he hurt animals as well? Laugh at farts? Pull the wings off butterflies for funsies? Is he Benny bloody Hill?

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2023 09:14

Unfortunately it's not uncommon to go from one abuser to another. It looks like this is what you've done.

Who owns the house or the tenancy? If it's you, I would tell him to get out. If it's him, I would leave. I don't think I would tell him I was going either.

AgnesX · 08/04/2023 09:15

I really hope you're given serious thought to leaving him. On the face of it his pranks aren't a big deal, but that they upset you so much and he keeps on doing them definitely is.

He comes across as being immature and actually a bit mean. Do you really want a man child for the rest of your life?

ACynicalDad · 08/04/2023 09:16

Play a prank on him, change the front door lock.

Alargeoneplease89 · 08/04/2023 09:16

See how funny he sees it when he has no clean clothes etc. Honestly I couldn't be bothered with such childish behaviour.

samqueens · 08/04/2023 09:17

YellowGreenBlue · 08/04/2023 08:31

This is awful. You are not overreacting and he is behaving like a dick. If you don't want to end the relationship, I would ask him to attend couples counselling with you so that you have the opportunity to explain in front of a third person how upsetting you find this.

I know this advice is really well intentioned, but please do not be persuaded to go to couples counselling with this man. You should never go to counselling with an abuser - it is not a safe process with someone who displays this type of behaviour/mindset, and can make matters much worse for you.

(Sorry @YellowGreenBlue there’s no reason most people would know this, but sadly it’s true)

PurpleReindeer2 · 08/04/2023 09:18

SoggyPigeon · 08/04/2023 09:01

Why do you want to be with a man who makes you cry?

☝️this

PuppyMonkey · 08/04/2023 09:20

Not the least bit funny even without your history. Next time he does it, turn around, walk out the gate and never go back.

RosesAndHellebores · 08/04/2023 09:20

The bullies response is often that it was a joke. It isn't a joke if another party doesn't find it funny. At best he's a poor comedian, but most likely a bully.

You deserve better op.

Ameadowwalk · 08/04/2023 09:22

Life’s too short for this kind of behaviour in your life. As others have said, you were doing household tasks and he thinks it’s funny to lock you out? Even without the trauma, he is wasting your time and laughing at you. How’s that a partner?

To the person whose husband was ‘furious’ about being locked out by accident, it was an accident, ‘furious’ is an overreaction if you explained the situation and let him in as soon as you realised.

ClairDeLaLune · 08/04/2023 09:22

He made you cry and you’re the one who needs to work on their behaviour? Fuck that. He’s a bully and an emotional abuser. Show him the door permanently OP.

Backstreets · 08/04/2023 09:23

yabu for getting with an eight year old

MatchsticksForMyEyesReturns · 08/04/2023 09:27

I would also add: don't do any 'pranks' back on him. They can never take it, they just like to dish it out. I second those recommending both Why Does He Do That? and The Freedom Programme. They both helped me see it for what it was. I hope the number of people telling you this is abuse hasn't scared you away. It is daunting when you start to consider you need to be out of a situation, so I hope you have some RL support.