Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP locked me out for fun

189 replies

bookbu · 08/04/2023 08:05

He does have a form of these pranks that aren't even funny.

Every single time I have been told I'm unreasonable, don't have any sense of humour as anyone else would find it hilarious, and I need to start working on my behaviour and reactions to these.

He locked me out of home when I was hanging a washing in the garden yesterday. He just stood there in the kitchen looking at me when I was knocking the patio door asking him to let me back in. Eventually I started crying there and went straight upstairs once he finally let me in. Then I have been told how wrong my reaction was.

My ex husband used to lock the door so I couldn't leave the house when we argued. This prank just triggered me so much. What's the best reaction when someone does this type of jokes? DP won't listen if I asked that he stopps doing these. I have asked yesterday and only been told to stop being so boring and to start working on my behavior because my reactions are all wrong. I'm so sad, upset but deep down I'm not even sure if that's the right thing

OP posts:
ehb102 · 08/04/2023 10:12

That's not a prank. A prank is when he is out there with you and pretends to have lost the keys. Still not a funny one but whatever. What he did was a dominance exercise. You had to beg to be let in. He held the power. He liked welding the power.

namechange3394 · 08/04/2023 10:15

It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks it's funny. It upset you, so he should have apologised and he should never do it again.

If I did something I thought was absolutely hilarious to DP and he was upset by it I'd be mortified and I couldn't apologise enough - not defensively saying that he should have reacted differently.

Your "D"P doesn't give a shit about your feelings sorry OP.

MyriadOfTravels · 08/04/2023 10:21

whyhelloo · 08/04/2023 09:51

Unlike what everyone says, I don't think pranks (even idiotic ones like this) are inherently abusive, especially if you started crying suddenly and he wasn't expecting you to cry. Everyone has a different tolerance for playfulness in daily life.

But the aftermath is most definitely emotionally abusive. If someone is upset and crying, you acknowledge you've gone too far and apologise, and don't do it again. Even if you might secretly think they're overreacting / boring / have a stick up their arse, you have to respect that they don't want you to behave that way around them, end of story.

@whyhelloo i could at a push agree with THE FIRST TIME he did that.
But these ‘pranks’ are something he is doing constantly and he has repeatedly been told it’s not funny.

Instead of listening and acknowledging the OP simply doesn’t have the same sense if humour and doesn’t like it, he has decided to think that he thinks he knows best and that the OP is wrong for feeling differently….
What sort of ‘partner’ does that??

MyriadOfTravels · 08/04/2023 10:26

@bookbu the best reaction to these actions (I cannot and will not call that a joke or a prank) is to establish boundaries and mean it.

Its either you stop those so called pranks or you leave.

Doesn’t matter if he thinks you are boring (you’re not) or that you are over reacting (again you’re not, they are your boundaries. Up to him to accept them or not).
But you SHOULD NOT find ways to bully yourself into accepting those or looking like they dint bother you just to keep the peace. He’ll just ramp up the ante because what HE is finding enjoyable is to see you distressed.

He isn’t a good man @bookbu

HomeTheatreSystem · 08/04/2023 10:30

If you were minded to do the same to him, would he laugh about it? Doesn't sound like he would. He'd have a go at you along the lines of your joke not being in the same spirit as his or badly timed. He sounds quite vile. Dump him and do the Freedom Programme.

BelindaMelinda · 08/04/2023 10:32

Playfulness? Jesus, some people have a low bar. He knows locked doors trigger her. That’s not being playful

You're writing your own history here. The op didn't say that.

pinkyredrose · 08/04/2023 10:35

Why are you with this immature twat?

saythebellsofstclements · 08/04/2023 10:35

Lock him out and see how funny he finds it. Laugh at him through the window then shut the curtains/blinds and leave him out there.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/04/2023 10:37

BelindaMelinda · Today 10:32
Playfulness? Jesus, some people have a low bar. He knows locked doors trigger her. That’s not being playful

You're writing your own history here. The op didn't say that.”

What are you talking about? She said:

My ex husband used to lock the door so I couldn't leave the house when we argued. This prank just triggered me so much”

ConstanceOcean · 08/04/2023 10:40

I always do these sorts of pranks.
We even do them at work.
So for me it’s no big deal.

We never do it for long and if someone says stop then we stop immediately.

Is it all of the pranks that you don’t like?
If so you need to sit him down and tell him you don’t like it and that he’s not to do it again.

If it happens again then ask him why he’s done it again when you specifically asked him not to and if he even wants to continue the relationship if he’s going to completely ignore your feelings.
Then tell him if it’s happens again then you will be ending the relationship and follow through.

Certain pranks are fun and in most circumstances fine.
Not listening to your partner and completely disregarding their feelings is not fine.

When he does on then don’t react.
If you tried the handle and it was locked then knock on and tell him to please unlock it in a serious voice. Then go and sit down in the garden and don’t give him the satisfaction of it working.

You do need to tell him about your past and how it triggered you as that sounds horrendous and he needs to understand that what’s minor to him is a massive deal to you.

ConstanceOcean · 08/04/2023 10:41

saythebellsofstclements · 08/04/2023 10:35

Lock him out and see how funny he finds it. Laugh at him through the window then shut the curtains/blinds and leave him out there.

Do not do this.

If he enjoys pranks then he’ll love this and then carry on pranking you.

If you don’t like it then you need to shut it down completely, not join in.

BelindaMelinda · 08/04/2023 10:41

@MrsSkylerWhite

Exactly 🙄

The op hasn't said her husband 'knows locked doors trigger her', as shown by your quote. Hence my mention of the other poster writing her own history.

aSofaNearYou · 08/04/2023 10:42

Sad to say I think you've found another abuser here OP - this one's a gaslighter. You've told him your history and he is saying your reactions are wrong?

Frankly, history aside, most people wouldn't find this funny. It's annoying behaviour. He sounds like an annoying kid that was never told how annoying he was, and now doesn't get that if he's annoying people, he needs to change his behaviour, not them.

But in the context of what you've been through before, this is just shockingly unempathetic. He sounds like an utter arsehole.

SoggyPigeon · 08/04/2023 10:43

Lock him out while you pack your bags. Or his bags depending.

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/04/2023 10:45

BelindaMelinda · Today 10:41
@MrsSkylerWhite

Exactly 🙄

The op hasn't said her husband 'knows locked doors trigger her', as shown by your quote. Hence my mention of the other poster writing her own history.”

No idea why you’re so keen to defend his ridiculous behaviour.

whyhelloo · 08/04/2023 10:45

Still abusive as part of a pattern, but it's simply not mentioned in OP's post whether her husband knew / knows about her trauma from her ex-husband.

saythebellsofstclements · 08/04/2023 10:45

DustyEmbroidery · 08/04/2023 09:27

I’m afraid you have swapped one form of abuse for another.

I get that people can have different senses of humour but if he is doing stuff that upsets you to the point of crying that’s very wrong.

I had a phone call yesterday, I had accidentally locked DH in the garden yesterday as he has decided to clean off the patio at the end of the garden. I just felt bad as he was stood there covered in dirty water spray. I was wearing a headset talking to a group of friends and he had been knocking for ages.

You see - now that is actually quite funny, but ONLY because it was accidental

whyhelloo · 08/04/2023 10:48

MrsSkylerWhite · 08/04/2023 10:45

BelindaMelinda · Today 10:41
@MrsSkylerWhite

Exactly 🙄

The op hasn't said her husband 'knows locked doors trigger her', as shown by your quote. Hence my mention of the other poster writing her own history.”

No idea why you’re so keen to defend his ridiculous behaviour.

I don't really like this idea (frequently seen on MN) that in order to condemn abusiveness, you have to exaggerate/fabricate/assume things immediately. It makes one lose all credibility.

Her husband could well be aware, he might not, both are equal possibilities but either way, his behaviour is still not on.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/04/2023 10:50

He sounds nasty. He's not going to get any better. You've asked him not to do this, he does it anyway because he thinks it's funny seeing you upset. He likes the power over you. This can only get worse, so leave him while you still can.

MyriadOfTravels · 08/04/2023 10:58

whyhelloo · 08/04/2023 10:48

I don't really like this idea (frequently seen on MN) that in order to condemn abusiveness, you have to exaggerate/fabricate/assume things immediately. It makes one lose all credibility.

Her husband could well be aware, he might not, both are equal possibilities but either way, his behaviour is still not on.

Show quote history

And it doesn’t matter because the OP explicitly states that it’s not the first time he is doing pranks that upset her.
And she is clear that she has told him to stop.
And that his answer is ALWAYS that it’s her fault because there is no reason to get so upset and she is just over reacting….

mrsbyers · 08/04/2023 10:58

I’d be locking him out permanently , you’ve told him your boundaries and he’s totally disrespecting you then gaslighting you

whyhelloo · 08/04/2023 11:08

MyriadOfTravels · 08/04/2023 10:58

And it doesn’t matter because the OP explicitly states that it’s not the first time he is doing pranks that upset her.
And she is clear that she has told him to stop.
And that his answer is ALWAYS that it’s her fault because there is no reason to get so upset and she is just over reacting….

Show quote history

Yes, agreed completely.

Cherrysoup · 08/04/2023 11:15

Not remotely funny. He’s controlling you then telling you it’s your problem that you got upset. What a fucking arsehole.

bigdecisionstomake · 08/04/2023 11:16

This sort of thing ceased to be a 'prank' or 'joke' the the first time you asked him not to do it again. From that point onwards it became bullying. TBH I wouldn't have found it funny in the first place and couldn't be in a relationship with someone whose idea of humour was to lock me outside when I was putting the washing out - but that's just me.

You can be sure that it is his reactions not yours that are wrong and it is him who needs to work on his behaviour not you. Frankly - he needs to grow up and learn some empathy.

ittakes2 · 08/04/2023 11:16

I am sorry this might sound dramatic but I think you need to plan to leave him. I doubt this is the only controlling bullying thing he is doing in your relationship. He doesn’t respect or care enough for you for you to spend you life with him.