Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
Hellno45 · 07/04/2023 09:55

It's hard to be constantly caring for someone and trying to meet their needs. Always having to always be the strong and supportive one.

I think stopping working will be a terrible for him and his mental health. At the moment he has a purpose and a reason to get up. I don't think it's going to solve his problems. Could he possibly reduce his hours?

I think you need to up your hours. He needs to reduce his hours. You need to redistribute the household tasks so he and the kids are more involved in the household tasks and he needs to take on more parenting. You need to find a balance where everyone contributes and has down time. One person can't potter while the other person takes the load.

Anyhow, good luck with it.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/04/2023 09:55

@newjobnewstartihope exactly the same women would have completely different answers if OP was suffering from depression. Poor bloke needs some time to sort himself out and OP cant up her hours.
The highest suicide rate is between men, as a fact the male suicide rate was 15.8 per 100,000, compared to a female suicide rate of 5.5 per 100,000
Males aged 50-54 were found to have the highest suicide rate (22.5 per 100,000).
Depression is more common than we think. People jus need to learn to be a bit more tolerant and sometimes yes, one partner is peddling the bike for both but isnt that what a partnership is about? Obv if it goes on then one feels like a mug, but if OPs DH needs time then They both have chat on how this will work for both of them. And if needs be OP works more hours and DH needs to just be picking up OPs chores at home. For a time that they both deice works for them.

adultdds · 07/04/2023 09:56

I would suggest to him that he find a lower paid, less stress job three days and that you will increase to three or four days too. But housework/ garden /kids need to be equally divided. It's not your job to carry him. And those saying he carried you are wrong. You worked partime but also supported your family, did the housework and looked after kids. He's not wanting that he wants to retire basically.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:56

@MichelleScarn of course they don't. He's a man. The money he earns to give op a comfortable life (16 hours with all kids at school) and working compressed hours is irrelevant and not worthwhile as he happens to have a penis

katepilar · 07/04/2023 09:57

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:21

Lots of women 'potter' about when they have kids though - they either give up work altogether or do a few hours paid work- it's never ever questioned. I know in MN world we are automatically meant to side with women but there really are some massive double standards in this thread.
If he wants to give up work for good at 50 he needs to make sure he can allow for it financially, it doesn't sound like the work op does would make up his income even working full time. But if he could afford it why not?

Show quote history

I am shocked that you dont see a difference between a woman pottering about home who is looking after children and household and managing family and home and a man who potters about home and does nothing except sitting on a sofa and playing with a phone.
How can we ever move forward if we dont see the difference?!

Hellybelly84 · 07/04/2023 09:57

Interested to know (sorry if missed it)

  1. What mental health support/care has he reached out for?

  2. Has he looked into working a less stressful job that would be better for his MH?

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:57

Minniliscious · 07/04/2023 09:55

Absolutely love this 🤣🤣🤣 A bit of tough love - like we all need sometimes.

Really - a woman has a chronically ill DH who lifts not a finger around the house and with the kids, and you think it’s funny?

Rosula · 07/04/2023 09:58

MichelleScarn · 07/04/2023 09:54

DH works around 30 - 35 hours over three days. He works in private healthcare.
Do you really not see this as full time?

Show quote history

OP has clarified that he works 24 hours a week. That's not full time.

Plus most men who work full time also expect to pull their weight at home and with the children.

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:58

katepilar · 07/04/2023 09:57

I am shocked that you dont see a difference between a woman pottering about home who is looking after children and household and managing family and home and a man who potters about home and does nothing except sitting on a sofa and playing with a phone.
How can we ever move forward if we dont see the difference?!

Show quote history

We will never move forward. Depressing but true.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:58

@katepilar like ive said before - what the hell is there that needs doing with all kids in school?

Hardbackwriter · 07/04/2023 09:59

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:50

I never said I was mentally well. You have no idea what I face everyday. I can't go down though because I don't want to take everyone down with me. I don't have the luxury.

Show quote history

Oh gosh I'm sorry that you're so bitter and resentful about your own life - do you think you should take it to your own thread rather than allow it to shape the advice you're giving the OP?

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:00

Err Rosula it is- he gets paid for 30-35 hours. That's the full time wage earner right there as someone asked

Hankunamatata · 07/04/2023 10:00

If he can't go back to work due to his mental health then unfortunately op you have to work full time. Yep it sucks and yes you will be resentful but if he can't cope working then that's only solution for now.
Could you also explore roles where he could use his medical knowledge in a less intense environment. Even wfh role

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:00

Ha ha @Hardbackwriter bang on

But she is a vagina owner so can do no wrong silly!

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 10:01

Hardbackwriter · 07/04/2023 09:59

Oh gosh I'm sorry that you're so bitter and resentful about your own life - do you think you should take it to your own thread rather than allow it to shape the advice you're giving the OP?

Show quote history

That poster is not the one who is bitter and resentful. She has given positive support to the OP, unlike you.

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 10:01

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:00

Ha ha @Hardbackwriter bang on

But she is a vagina owner so can do no wrong silly!

Why not try and make it less obvious you’re a bloke?

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:02

Lol
First I'm a troll now I'm a man 😂
Sorry @Mirabai keep going. I'm waiting to be banned for being a troll anyway..

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:04

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:58

@katepilar like ive said before - what the hell is there that needs doing with all kids in school?

Children are in school 30 hours a week for 38 weeks a year. Once you take off OP's work and commute times, that's around 11-12 hours a week. It's not hard to work out what work OP may be doing during that period, is it?

Minniliscious · 07/04/2023 10:04

@Mirabai I was actually quoting another poster’s response - however as I’m new here, seems I didn’t click on the @ 🤦‍♀️ So calm down dear - no drama here.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:05

What high powered job do you do @jemimapuddlepluck ? Hopefully not a judge...oh yes she killed him but he didn't cut the hedge after performing three life saving surgeries that week and it impacted on her time buying new cutlery so let her off...

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:05

Minniliscious · 07/04/2023 10:04

@Mirabai I was actually quoting another poster’s response - however as I’m new here, seems I didn’t click on the @ 🤦‍♀️ So calm down dear - no drama here.

lol she doesn't want no drama though seemingly

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 10:06

Ignoring the twats OP - is it possible that DH would accept a low stress WFH job instead? Otherwise you might be better off divorced - you wouldn’t have to carry his dead weight.

BungleandGeorge · 07/04/2023 10:08

Has he thought about getting private medical treatment? Years of therapy and anti depressants and he’s still unable to function? Maybe he needs to try a different and more novel approach?

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:10

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:00

Err Rosula it is- he gets paid for 30-35 hours. That's the full time wage earner right there as someone asked

He gets paid for 30 hours of which he works 24. That's not full time.

Hellybelly84 · 07/04/2023 10:10

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:58

@katepilar like ive said before - what the hell is there that needs doing with all kids in school?

You must have a pretty filthy house if you dont have a huge list of things that need doing when the kids are at school.

I get 2 days off work whilst the kids are at school and I wont stop for more than 5 mins to have lunch. Housework (have a fairly decent sized home), washing, ironing etc and shared with the DH when he gets a day off too. School is 6 hours a day minus anytime it takes travelling there and back.

Everything should be shared-whoever’s home, crack on with stuff at home and whoever’s working, work! If you’re both home, share the load.