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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:31

Oh and I'm a person with one of those there high pressured jobs, i work far more hours than the OP's DH too. I've had the last week off and bar house and kids I haven't left the sofa. I'm exhausted. I wish I could opt out and concentrate on my hobbies. I dont have a wife to pick up after me though so I've no chance.

Jojobalone · 07/04/2023 09:32

Despite not working full time hours Op, would I be correct in thinking that your DH is a high earner?

Rosula · 07/04/2023 09:32

Hardbackwriter · 07/04/2023 09:25

Tbh the OP makes me really cross too, and it's not because I'm jealous or whatever - it's that she's so clearly deliberately underplayed the fact that he actually works full-time just in shifts, does something very intense (if he's getting a two hour lunch break in health care every single day then that suggests that whatever he does either side is such that it's not actually safe for him to not take a long break), and then has been so faux-eye-wided disingenuous 'oh did I mislead people into thinking that we worked basically the same hours? Oh I had no idea, the pages of people saying he only works one day more than me and slagging him off on that basis gave me no clue at all that I'd massively misrepresented the situation!'

Show quote history

How is 24 hours a week working full time? A full time job is at least 35 hours a week. Most men working 35-40 hours a week (including those in stressful jobs) also expect to do at least some household work and looking after their children on top of that.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:32

@Hardbackwriter 😂

This place at times never mind the Mumsnet chicken and 8 stone being over weight we now have the working 16 hours a week and doing life admin and laundry makes women warriors 🙈

FiddleLeaf · 07/04/2023 09:33

chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 06:54

@newjobnewstartihope "The fact the OP has tried to make it sound her husband just does a little leisurely job to get everyone else on side doesn't surprise me."

I genuinely didn't mean to do that, I am sorry if it came across like that

It hasn’t. They’re just being a loon.

If he’s burnt out, he does need a break - I’ve had the same myself. BUT… there needs to be a plan of what happens in that period. Sure he can potter forever but I think he will become very isolated and dependent on you.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:33

@Rosula never mind the lunch break- he is paid for a 30 hour week .

Rosula · 07/04/2023 09:34

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:26

Please
What is this 'constant' household work that needs doing when kids are at school?
People really are trying to dramatise this so the husband is automatically in the wrong

Self-evidently, the kids haven't always been at school, nor are they always at school now. But OP has been bearing the entire child-related workload from day 1.

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:34

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:27

If someone who works 16 hours with kids at school has such a hard life then god help the rest of the world. Call me stupid all you like love but live in the real world

Show quote history

Imagine working 30-35 hours a week and doing absolutely fuck all else apart from hobbies 😂
I know who's got the best deal in OP's house and it ain't her. Anyway, its pointless arguing with stupid/misogynists so you have yourself a wonderful day!

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:34

Could the bitter, resentful and unpleasant posters start their own support thread, so that OP can get the help she needs?

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:34

Oh I'm a loon now- well with the way mental health is disparaged on here im not surprised 🙄

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:35

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:34

Imagine working 30-35 hours a week and doing absolutely fuck all else apart from hobbies 😂
I know who's got the best deal in OP's house and it ain't her. Anyway, its pointless arguing with stupid/misogynists so you have yourself a wonderful day!

Show quote history

The misogynists in thrall to any dick no matter how sorry.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:35

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:34

Could the bitter, resentful and unpleasant posters start their own support thread, so that OP can get the help she needs?

Soz hun- op asked for opinions and that's kind of how the internet works

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:36

In thrall?

Sausagis · 07/04/2023 09:36

I'd be offering him 3 choices...

  1. Go back to work
  2. You go full time, he stays at home but doing a majority of all home jobs (ie switch home jobs - you only do what he would have done). Be clear what this entails (cooking daily, cleaning to your standard, managing kids school etc etc) and get him doing this pronto.
  3. Split up, because this isn't what you signed up for. And remember it may be better for you financially to divorce someone who has a job rather than is living off you? (Not a lawyer disclaimer).
Hellybelly84 · 07/04/2023 09:36

Rosula · 07/04/2023 09:32

How is 24 hours a week working full time? A full time job is at least 35 hours a week. Most men working 35-40 hours a week (including those in stressful jobs) also expect to do at least some household work and looking after their children on top of that.

Show quote history

Mine works ridiculous hours and shares everything on his days off. In a high pressured job and I cant remember how many years ago I last saw him lie on the sofa on a day off. Certainly before kids came over a decade ago.

When you agree to have kids, you agree to work as a team. If he has MH problems, he needs to seek help straight away for it.

Hardbackwriter · 07/04/2023 09:37

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:34

Could the bitter, resentful and unpleasant posters start their own support thread, so that OP can get the help she needs?

Could we maybe start two threads - one for us 'bitter and resentful' people, and one for the the people who are desperate to insist that working 16 hours a week with primary aged kids is basically working down a mine in order to tell themselves that they, too, are so very busy and stressed that they couldn't possibly work another hour?

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:38

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:35

Soz hun- op asked for opinions and that's kind of how the internet works

Show quote history

If you just want to throw your weight around go and post on the Daily Mail.

The way advice threads work is not to be an arsehole to the OP.

Kokeshi123 · 07/04/2023 09:39

There seems to have been a weird shift in recent years to "I have poor mental health. I will therefore perform mental self-care, by lolling around the house doing nothing, looking at screens, not being physically active, not having a job etc. Anybody who suggests that there is anything wrong with this approach is mean and does not understand mental health"

The people engaging in this kind of mental self-care never actually seem to feel any better as a result of it.

Rosula · 07/04/2023 09:39

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:33

@Rosula never mind the lunch break- he is paid for a 30 hour week .

The question was why people were saying he worked 24 hours a week, that was the answer. Clearly he does only work 24 hours a week, not matter what he's paid for.

frozendaisy · 07/04/2023 09:39

FiddleLeaf · 07/04/2023 09:33

It hasn’t. They’re just being a loon.

If he’s burnt out, he does need a break - I’ve had the same myself. BUT… there needs to be a plan of what happens in that period. Sure he can potter forever but I think he will become very isolated and dependent on you.

Show quote history

He could potter about with the laundry.
He could potter about taking the kids to school and back
He could potter about in the garden
He could potter about cleaning the house
He could potter about preparing dinner

But he doesn't mean this sort of potter about does he?

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:39

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:35

The misogynists in thrall to any dick no matter how sorry.

Show quote history

Honestly, they expect nothing from men its pitiful. As long as they have a job, they are not expected to contribute in any other way. Since I joined Mumsnet im actually grateful for mine who is a doer (more than me!) Imagine being grateful for a man cracking on with it!

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:40

Be an arsehole- not agree their husband is an absolute lazy cunt and that op is working harder than anyone ever?

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:40

Hardbackwriter · 07/04/2023 09:37

Could we maybe start two threads - one for us 'bitter and resentful' people, and one for the the people who are desperate to insist that working 16 hours a week with primary aged kids is basically working down a mine in order to tell themselves that they, too, are so very busy and stressed that they couldn't possibly work another hour?

Show quote history

And we’re back to your resentment about your own life, rather than the issue of the thread which is that the OP is carrying her dead weight of a DH.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:40

@jemimapuddlepluck but he doesn't contribute nothing does he- I'm sure OP enjoys the home comforts his full time wage brings in 🙄

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 09:41

@Hardbackwriter "Could we maybe start two threads - one for us 'bitter and resentful' people, and one for the the people who are desperate to insist that working 16 hours a week with primary aged kids is basically working down a mine in order to tell themselves that they, too, are so very busy and stressed that they couldn't possibly work another hour?"

When did I say that? Or anyone else for that matter. I have said numerous times that I am going to work more. And continue to do everything else, including supporting my DH with his depression.

OP posts:
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