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Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
Minniliscious · 07/04/2023 10:11

@Mirabai So Mirabai - you came at me because you thought I was laughing but you have just advised the OP to divorce her (in your words to me) ‘chronically ill husband’ as he’s a dead weight 🤔 Hmmmm - yep much better response. Why are you wasting your time here? Shouldn’t you be manning the phones at the Samaritans?

MichelleScarn · 07/04/2023 10:12

Rosula · 07/04/2023 09:58

OP has clarified that he works 24 hours a week. That's not full time.

Plus most men who work full time also expect to pull their weight at home and with the children.

Show quote history

Where? As I've copied from one of OPs own posts.
Or is it a quick 'whoopee, better change what I said, as doesn't make me look good'?....🤨

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:17

@MichelleScarn trying to get common sense out of that poster is like trying to pin diarrhoea to the wall..good luck

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 10:18

Minniliscious · 07/04/2023 10:11

@Mirabai So Mirabai - you came at me because you thought I was laughing but you have just advised the OP to divorce her (in your words to me) ‘chronically ill husband’ as he’s a dead weight 🤔 Hmmmm - yep much better response. Why are you wasting your time here? Shouldn’t you be manning the phones at the Samaritans?

FYI I have been chronically ill and I have supported a person who is chronically ill and it is a massive dead weight to carry. At no point did I ever do nothing around the house. HTH

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:18

does something very intense (if he's getting a two hour lunch break in health care every single day then that suggests that whatever he does either side is such that it's not actually safe for him to not take a long break)

He works in private health, so it's not comparable to the situation in the NHS where someone would only be allowed to take a two hour break if it was a safety requirement.

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 10:18

MichelleScarn · 07/04/2023 10:12

Where? As I've copied from one of OPs own posts.
Or is it a quick 'whoopee, better change what I said, as doesn't make me look good'?....🤨

Show quote history

Try reading OP’s posts?

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:18

Minniliscious · 07/04/2023 10:11

@Mirabai So Mirabai - you came at me because you thought I was laughing but you have just advised the OP to divorce her (in your words to me) ‘chronically ill husband’ as he’s a dead weight 🤔 Hmmmm - yep much better response. Why are you wasting your time here? Shouldn’t you be manning the phones at the Samaritans?

Clearly these people have never had a caring loving relationship where it's the norm to step up and support their ill partner instead of automatically worrying their days at home alone will be interrupted and they may have to work another day

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:21

@Mirabai literally from one of the OPs posts

resentful. I think I have been trying to avoid this. (I understand that many people, single parents or married/in a relationship have to work full time and run a house. I am just explaining my situation. I'm not saying my lifestyle is "right" or that I'm right to have the feelings I do. I just knew that even I worked full time, DH would not pull his weight in the house. Maybe I was trying to avoid arguments and feeling resentful by sticking to just working two days a week)

DH works around 30 - 35 hours over three days. He works in private healthcare. I work for the local council. We are very fortunate that we have both been able to work part time - I know that most people have to work full time. DH's mental health meant that he didn't want to work more and I have explained above why I haven't, added to which I have ADHD which I have struggled with. We don't have a lavish lifestyle (but again, I know we are luckier than many).
Hth

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:22

MichelleScarn · 07/04/2023 10:12

Where? As I've copied from one of OPs own posts.
Or is it a quick 'whoopee, better change what I said, as doesn't make me look good'?....🤨

Show quote history

"DH usually works 10 hours a day, occasionally during busy periods one or two hours more. However I would say that he usually works 30 hours a week. Within that he usually has a two hour lunchbreak, so in reality it's actually more like 24 hours a week."

I'm sure you find it convenient to your argument to ignore that, but that's perfectly consistent with practice in private healthcare where paying patients tend to expect their carers not to be too exhausted to do their jobs, and it's just possible OP knows more about it than you do.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:22

I don't get why people including the OP are still insisting he works part time just to paint the OP as being hard done by. Like I say peak MN

Hardbackwriter · 07/04/2023 10:23

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:18

does something very intense (if he's getting a two hour lunch break in health care every single day then that suggests that whatever he does either side is such that it's not actually safe for him to not take a long break)

He works in private health, so it's not comparable to the situation in the NHS where someone would only be allowed to take a two hour break if it was a safety requirement.

Do you work in private health? Do you think that private healthcare companies are somehow much more willing than all other private companies to give their employees two hour lunch breaks for no reason?

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:24

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:18

Clearly these people have never had a caring loving relationship where it's the norm to step up and support their ill partner instead of automatically worrying their days at home alone will be interrupted and they may have to work another day

Show quote history

Or perhaps they are able to empathise with someone who has been providing unstinting support to their ill but functioning partner for years on end while he does sod all to help her and plans to do even less?

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:24

And we can only assume by what the op has said he's some kind of medic/surgeon
Again only on MN would you get people implying he's a 'dead weight' because despite the amazing stuff he does in his career he didn't book the kids their parents evening appointments...

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:26

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:22

I don't get why people including the OP are still insisting he works part time just to paint the OP as being hard done by. Like I say peak MN

I'm not insisting that he's part time for any motivation other than that I like accuracy. He works part time.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:27

Okay so his employer would agree would they? No they wouldn't....

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:27

'Your' accuracy is not the actual truth sadly

1AngelicFruitCake · 07/04/2023 10:28

I get the feeling you live in a big house? It must be hard with your husband. Many people work longer hours or full time and have to do all of the admin and cleaning for school aged children. If you have 3 full days off a week that’s a lot of time to yourself to get sorted. It seems unfair he works 3 days and gets to relax on his 4 days but then his job has meant you only have to work 2 days.

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:28

Hardbackwriter · 07/04/2023 10:23

Do you work in private health? Do you think that private healthcare companies are somehow much more willing than all other private companies to give their employees two hour lunch breaks for no reason?

Show quote history

Yes. Private healthcare companies, like other private companies, pay in accordance with the contractual arrangements with each employee. If they have negotiated a deal whereby an employee gets a two hour lunch break they pay in accordance with that deal.

HubertTheGoat · 07/04/2023 10:28

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:24

Why are people saying he only works 24 hours lol
He does 3 ten hour days

No that's not 24 hours but that's also not full time. To me, a 10hr day is pretty normal for a professional job and if you were full time you'd do that 5 days a week.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:29

Again it's a MN only phenomena that someone goes out to work 3 ten hour days but people fall over themselves to say BuT iTs OnLy PaRt TiMe

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:30

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:24

And we can only assume by what the op has said he's some kind of medic/surgeon
Again only on MN would you get people implying he's a 'dead weight' because despite the amazing stuff he does in his career he didn't book the kids their parents evening appointments...

He plans to stop work altogether, and doesn't plan to help with booking parents' evening appointments or anything else. Is that amazing?

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:30

1AngelicFruitCake · 07/04/2023 10:28

I get the feeling you live in a big house? It must be hard with your husband. Many people work longer hours or full time and have to do all of the admin and cleaning for school aged children. If you have 3 full days off a week that’s a lot of time to yourself to get sorted. It seems unfair he works 3 days and gets to relax on his 4 days but then his job has meant you only have to work 2 days.

Exactly
If he does a 37 hour week at Tesco you can guarantee op would have to work full time and then probably move to a smaller less nice house in a less nice area. And then still the housework/life admin would remain

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:32

@Rosula amazing how you can read his mind regarding what he plans to do 😂and know all about his working pattern- are you he?

Rosula · 07/04/2023 10:32

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 10:27

Okay so his employer would agree would they? No they wouldn't....

This is nonsense. Of course they can and do. If they are paying him for 24 hours a week, why would they object to him doing what he is paid for around two hour lunch breaks?