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Original poster

DH on sick leave - feeling frustrated

385 replies

chocolatedaisy · 06/04/2023 18:41

Hi, just looking for other people's opinions.

Have been married to DH for 17 years. We have three children together, teens and pre teens. DH is 50 and works in a high pressure job three days a week. So he has four days off, and he totally relaxes on the four days - does no housework or gardening, very little cooking or house/ children admin. I work part time (two days a week) in a relatively low paid job, and do everything in the house/ garden and for the children.

I was a SAHM for a few years as one of our DC has additional needs, plus we moved around with DH's job.

My DH has suffered with his mental health, ie depression and anxiety, since I have known him. He is on antidepressants and has had a lot of therapy (still ongoing). He now seems to be burnt out with his job and has been signed off on sick leave. He is saying that he doesn't feel he can go back at all - he has some insurance in place for long term sick pay which may pay out, but it won't cover our household expenses.

I feel really conflicted - I feel sorry for him and really empathise as I know how much he has struggled. It's just that I have been his emotional support for years and I feel burnt out with all the problems. He actually spent a few years being very unpleasant to me (he has now apologised and admitted it was partly due to stress).

Things have been up and down with his jobs ever since I have known him. I have never been able to plan a nice holiday or finish decorating the house as it was never sure if he was going to stay at his job or not. This wasn't what I thought would happen in our lives. He has said that he would now be happy to just potter about the house and do hobbies for the rest of his life. If he really needed to, he would try to get a bit of work if we couldn't cover our costs but he would be happy never to work again.

Part of me feels like a selfish bitch for saying this, but the fact that he wants to just potter about at the age of 50 makes me feel a bit depressed myself. I used to really enjoy the days I had to myself when the children were at school and he was at work - now he will be at home all the time. I feel drained when he is around sometimes as he has such low energy and spends a lot of time lying on the sofa or just in his own world.

He loves the children and is a lovely dad, but just hasn't got much energy or "get up and go". I'm not really sure if he loves me any more - he says he does, but i don't really feel it - probably as he is depressed.

I should probably look to increasing my own hours at work. I have ADHD and need down time so I have been apprehensive about doing this before, but maybe I have to.

Any thoughts welcomed.

OP posts:
newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:42

@jemimapuddlepluck you really don't think a part time worker who has kids in school should be expected to do more? There's no reason whatsoever why someone with school age kids can't be working more anyway so why on Earth would they expect the full time wage earner to be doing it all?

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:42

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Dustybarn · 07/04/2023 09:43

In your shoes I’d go to work full time just to get out of the house! It’s important to be sympathetic to your DH’s problems but unless you can carve out something for yourself, 40 more years of watching him sitting on the sofa doing nothing will drive you crazy.

You work, he does all the housework- that’s the deal. If he doesn’t do it you just ignore it until he does it. No compromise! Or he can get a part time job to pay for a cleaner if he prefers.

Original poster
chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 09:44

Thank you to the supportive posters - really appreciate your comments

(and before anyone mentions it, yes I know this is an internet forum and I am fine with other people disagreeing with me. Some people have expressed their disagreement respectfully and others have been more vitriolic)

OP posts:
newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:44

@jemimapuddlepluck ahhh nothing else but the personal attack

Rosula · 07/04/2023 09:44

I'd seriously question whether "just pottering about" is any sort of treatment for depression anyway. IME being busy and productive is actually much more effective. It's a real shame that, by opting out of looking after the kids, he's missed out on most of the fun parts.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:45

chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 09:44

Thank you to the supportive posters - really appreciate your comments

(and before anyone mentions it, yes I know this is an internet forum and I am fine with other people disagreeing with me. Some people have expressed their disagreement respectfully and others have been more vitriolic)

It would have helped if you hadn't drip fed your husband does 3 ten hour days and not just a few hours in an office job...

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:45

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:42

@jemimapuddlepluck you really don't think a part time worker who has kids in school should be expected to do more? There's no reason whatsoever why someone with school age kids can't be working more anyway so why on Earth would they expect the full time wage earner to be doing it all?

Again, go be stupid elsewhere. What are you teaching your kids? If a man has a job he shouldn't have to do anything in the house? Once more for the idiots, he doesn't work full time. I work full time. I would be ecstatic working the hours OP's DH does. I STILL think he needs to muck in at home.

Codlingmoths · 07/04/2023 09:45

FloydPepper · 06/04/2023 20:40

Well I’m please you were able to. Some people with illness just can’t “get on with it”, be that illness mental or physical. Or do you think everyone can?

Show quote history

No, but for some reason many many more women than men don’t just drop everything, and continue feeding the children and shopping and washing etc.

Rosula · 07/04/2023 09:46

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:42

@jemimapuddlepluck you really don't think a part time worker who has kids in school should be expected to do more? There's no reason whatsoever why someone with school age kids can't be working more anyway so why on Earth would they expect the full time wage earner to be doing it all?

What full time wage earner would that be? There isn't one in OP's scenario.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/04/2023 09:47

@Rosula depression is a disease , an illness. Is described as a systemic disease. One that affects the whole body rather than just a single body part or organ system. This differs from a localized disease that only affects a single part of the body. Labeling depression as a disease does not entirely capture the complex nature of the illness. However, it is a move toward understanding it as a disorder of both the mind and body. So do not minimise his suffering. Yes hes suffered it all his life but he has also provided for his family. Now the bolke is asking for some time off. He should be allowed that. We should all have time to recharge and get better when its needed. OP needs a conversation with him and who does what and then deal with this so they can decide together whats the best for the family

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:47

Once again for the stupid people (naming no names...) he's struggling with his mental health and works a 30 hour week...lucky you @jemimapuddlepluck being so mentally well and resilient!
And people wonder why so men end their lives compared to women...when you get understanding like this 🙄

FiddleLeaf · 07/04/2023 09:47

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:34

Oh I'm a loon now- well with the way mental health is disparaged on here im not surprised 🙄

Yes, that’s the main takeaway. Ridiculous.

The OP can feel how she feels and because of him being a.) male and b.) mentally unwell, she’s getting hammered by plonkers & he can carry on doing sweet FA 👌🏼 And yes, working 3 days a week & being on the sofa the rest of the time is sweet FA to me.

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:47

chocolatedaisy · 07/04/2023 09:44

Thank you to the supportive posters - really appreciate your comments

(and before anyone mentions it, yes I know this is an internet forum and I am fine with other people disagreeing with me. Some people have expressed their disagreement respectfully and others have been more vitriolic)

Look after yourself OP, if you are shouldering everything you need to stay strong. If you buckle, everyone's fucked. Good luck navigating it all.

Mirabai · 07/04/2023 09:49

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newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:49

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/04/2023 09:47

@Rosula depression is a disease , an illness. Is described as a systemic disease. One that affects the whole body rather than just a single body part or organ system. This differs from a localized disease that only affects a single part of the body. Labeling depression as a disease does not entirely capture the complex nature of the illness. However, it is a move toward understanding it as a disorder of both the mind and body. So do not minimise his suffering. Yes hes suffered it all his life but he has also provided for his family. Now the bolke is asking for some time off. He should be allowed that. We should all have time to recharge and get better when its needed. OP needs a conversation with him and who does what and then deal with this so they can decide together whats the best for the family

Honestly some of these women should be ashamed- we are meant to be understanding towards men and mental health and why they don't seek the support they need. Well here's why- they are called cocklodgers, pathetic and told they are causing the burn out of women working 16 hours a week

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:50

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:47

Once again for the stupid people (naming no names...) he's struggling with his mental health and works a 30 hour week...lucky you @jemimapuddlepluck being so mentally well and resilient!
And people wonder why so men end their lives compared to women...when you get understanding like this 🙄

I never said I was mentally well. You have no idea what I face everyday. I can't go down though because I don't want to take everyone down with me. I don't have the luxury.

newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:50

Aww @Mirabai all you have is troll hunting how sweet!
Feel free to report me to MNHQ sweet cheeks see what they say 😍

KnickerlessParsons · 07/04/2023 09:51

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newjobnewstartihope · 07/04/2023 09:51

So now you are being resentful @jemimapuddlepluck ?

DarkDarkNight · 07/04/2023 09:51

newjobnewstartihope · 06/04/2023 19:21

I don't get how so many women feel they should do minimal hours and get to enjoy leisurely days whilst their partner struggles working all the hours god sends in a job they hate?

He only works 3 days a week himself and does very little with his 4 days off. Hardly a great imbalance.

Rosula · 07/04/2023 09:54

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 07/04/2023 09:47

@Rosula depression is a disease , an illness. Is described as a systemic disease. One that affects the whole body rather than just a single body part or organ system. This differs from a localized disease that only affects a single part of the body. Labeling depression as a disease does not entirely capture the complex nature of the illness. However, it is a move toward understanding it as a disorder of both the mind and body. So do not minimise his suffering. Yes hes suffered it all his life but he has also provided for his family. Now the bolke is asking for some time off. He should be allowed that. We should all have time to recharge and get better when its needed. OP needs a conversation with him and who does what and then deal with this so they can decide together whats the best for the family

He's had the equivalent of 316 days every year to recharge. What is going to change if he has 365 days a year? The problem seems to be that it's pointless having a conversation about who does what, because his answer seems to be that OP does everything and he'll sulk if he's so much as asked to put his washing in the machine.

MichelleScarn · 07/04/2023 09:54

Rosula · 07/04/2023 09:46

What full time wage earner would that be? There isn't one in OP's scenario.

Show quote history

DH works around 30 - 35 hours over three days. He works in private healthcare.
Do you really not see this as full time?

jemimapuddlepluck · 07/04/2023 09:55

@newjobnewstartihope Eh?

Minniliscious · 07/04/2023 09:55

Absolutely love this 🤣🤣🤣 A bit of tough love - like we all need sometimes.