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Original poster

Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

276 replies

Thelionguard · 04/04/2023 12:47

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

OP posts:
Marchforward · 04/04/2023 12:49

There are 5 adult in your house. You shouldn’t be doing it all.

JaneFondue · 04/04/2023 12:49

YANBU at all. Move out or make the kids do their fair share.He saw you coming.

JaneFondue · 04/04/2023 12:49

Sorry thought this was AIBU.

Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 12:50

son and girlfriend need to be sorting themselves out, not relying on you

Boomboom22 · 04/04/2023 12:51

Why does he think his grown up child partner and grandchild plus the other grown ups should be paid for by you? Weird.

TwilightSkies · 04/04/2023 12:52

Does your partner care about your feelings? You’re being treated as a skivvy.

ChicoryDip · 04/04/2023 12:53

When the younger three are out of the house I would be sitting down as 5x adults and explaining clearly why the current situation isn't sustainable.

If Oh won't support this or the adult children aren't prepared to contribute fairly to the household I'd be moving out.

I can't believe that the grown up children believe this is ok. If OH won't back you up that's sadly your answer.

Glamoureader · 04/04/2023 12:53

He has to be made to face the fact that this could break your relationship.

No one should have to do what you are doing and it's just not sustainable.

Shoelacesundone · 04/04/2023 12:53

This is insane. The adult children need to move out. Not "help". Leave. If not you should leave. Some people might like that set up but you don't and yes you're being treated as a cash cow and a servant both!!

Quitelikeacatslife · 04/04/2023 12:53

Are the 3 adults working?

MinnieEgg · 04/04/2023 12:54

This is absolute madness. And no, you shouldn't snap out of it. Your feelings are correct and I can't believe that nobody in your real life has said anything to you before.

Of course your life would be easier if you were just living with your own two children. Looking after and paying for three people instead of NINE.

OriginalUsername2 · 04/04/2023 12:55

This is awful! How overwhelming.

In a good relationship both people’s feelings matter. You’re upset. Don’t be afraid to upset him.

Tell him what you said here, that it can’t go on. I would be dreaming of a flat with just my girls too.

Scalottia · 04/04/2023 12:55

A 26 year old still living at home? Heaven help us.

All the 'adult' children need to step up and do way more.

Notbeinfunnehbut · 04/04/2023 12:57

Definitely ultimatum time

not fair on you

MrsMoastyToasty · 04/04/2023 12:58

Who owns the property?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2023 13:02

Life would be much much easier if it was just and your DC, easier, cheaper, you’d have more time and energy, fewer stresses. I’d do that. Houses can be sold.

The situation is insane. You should have felt able to have an equal say about who lives in your own bloody home and with your kids. That you didn’t suggests it’s not a good relationship and that you know he doesn’t care about your needs or feelings.

I’d split up. If this is how you’re feeling I can only imagine the toll it’s taking on your young children. You’re miserable and exhausted and what they deserve is a happy mum.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/04/2023 13:02

MrsMoastyToasty · 04/04/2023 12:58

Who owns the property?

She said they both do.

Original poster
Thelionguard · 04/04/2023 13:02

Quitelikeacatslife · 04/04/2023 12:53

Are the 3 adults working?

1 is working

This makes it worse in my head sometimes. We're working all day, they are sat around doing nothing all day, we come home, cook clean, wash up, and they're like "thanks for dinner" and either leave their plates in their room, or at best leave their plates on the side. No, tell a lie, if we're really lucky they might scrape the remains in the bin!

OP posts:
qpmz · 04/04/2023 13:06

Nimbostratus100 · 04/04/2023 12:50

son and girlfriend need to be sorting themselves out, not relying on you

Agree. The baby must be nearly 2. They should both be out earning money and living in their own place. Why aren't they even doing any housework and shopping? Sounds like a really dysfunctional family.

The older children should be cleaning the house and doing part time jobs. How many bedrooms do you have to accommodate all 9 people? Must be really cramped and I hope things change soon.

PandaTears · 04/04/2023 13:06

Well your OH can put more in to sub his 2 adult children and the GF but he really needs to ask them for a contribution.

For me personally I would be out of that situation.

Ponderingwindow · 04/04/2023 13:07

Do the 26 yo and gf at least have a savings schedule they are sticking to for moving out? Is the 21 yo about to complete education and could be out the door soon as well?

Disneyblueeyes · 04/04/2023 13:08

Threads like this really piss me off.
Stop being a doormat.
21 and 26? They're grown adults.
If they want to leave the plate in their room then fine. When you run out of clean plates to serve their dinner (why are you even serving their dinner? They can make their own), refuse to serve them any until they bring them downstairs and wash them up themselves.
Or better, stop making them dinner.

They either help round the house or they move out.
They should also be paying towards the bills, or they don't live there.
If one of the 20 somethings doesn't work, where do they get money from? All that should be going to you until they get a job.

You're being walked all over.

HiScore · 04/04/2023 13:11

Something needs to change!

When your daughters are 26 will you expect them to help out if they are still living at home? They are learning from their older step siblings that mum will do it all.

Also the older son and his girlfriend should be cooking and contributing at least a third of the food bill and household bills! They are lucky to be living with you.

Number24Bus · 04/04/2023 13:11

It's absolutely shocking that his DC aren't helping at all at their ages. And even more shocking that he refuses to agree that they need to.

escapingthecity · 04/04/2023 13:14

OP, it doesn't feel right because it isn't right. No self respecting adult should sit back and let their stepmother do everything that you're doing. If they don't work, and aren't looking for work, then they need to do more around the house. As an absolute minimum, they clean their own rooms and the bathrooms they use, do their own laundry and cook their own meals, or take turns to cook for everyone else (including buying the ingredients). It is unsustainable - and presumably extremely cramped. If DH won't change it - and he's the one who's got to have this conversation, and make clear it's coming from him, not shift the blame onto you - then it sounds like you will need to give an ultimatum.