Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

[Thelionguard]

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

Well everyone from the ten year old up needs to be pitching in! Why are you doing the bulk of it? Are the 3 other adults financially contributing? You need a household discussion!

100% this.
feel sorry for you OP and your younger kids who deserve better - just in terms of a happier parent who has more energy and tome
for them but how can you after w full time job and then full time housekeeper role of grown adults.

This can’t continue. You have to live separately to him and decide whether or not you want to be a couple on that basis.

That is just not acceptable. The adult with the GF and baby should be making plans to move out and stand on their own feet

This is awful, OP. I don't quite understand how you got into this situation but you definitely need to get out of it. Your H and his adult children are taking the piss. You and your girls deserve better.

If your husband can't see how ridiculous this situation is, he really doesn't care about you and he isn't worth keeping.

For a whole week I would write down what you have done versus what the other adults have done. Present that to your other half and tell him what you want whether that s everyone pulling their weight, him having honest conversations with his kids or you moving out with your kids for a greater sense of calm and order. Your life sounds so overwhelming 💐

Just stop doing it. Cook for yourself. The adult kids should be paying rent. The couple with the kid need to move out.

Your husband should be ashamed that he's raised such lazy disrespectful kids.

Run for the hills, and when you get there keep running.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway. this s the first thing to address.

Also, no asking, telling.

What issues do you have that you are putting up with this?

Please just stop doing everything, once they realise you aren’t doing it they’ll have to roll their sleeves up. Honestly, there is no way I would be doing that for my biological teen/adult children nevermind step children. Yes, the financial balance is not right also, esp I’m assuming you’re not married.

I'd suggest you live separately. You and your girls in one place, him and his lot in another. You can spend time at each other's places, but have somewhere to go back to.

You're enabling this situation by cooking, cleaning and picking up after so many people. You need to woman up and prioritise your dc, it beggars belief that you say they are like guests in their own home but yet you don't want to talk to your partner about it.

All adults need to contribute. Financially and/or domestically.

Family meeting. Rota.

If they aren't in they are OUT.

@Thelionguard
WAKE UP
MOVE OUT

Sorry but you are being treated like an absolute MUG.

Five adults, and a 15 year old?

There are only 2 children in that house that you are responsible for.

Is the house big enough for that many people? How does stuff like washing and cooking work?

The other thing is, you mention they only started living with you once you moved it, your dp must’ve assumed you’d be taking on the ‘mum’ being the free ‘child’ care role because otherwise surely they’d have been living with him when he wasn’t with you. If you moved out I guarantee the current living arrangement would fall apart and he’d tell them to sort themselves out.

Good god, I’d take my own two children and just leave. Is this set up even working for your daughters anymore?

Sorry OP you are a mug here

totally crackers that you are a slave to his adult children.
the working one needs to contribute significantly immediately.
the non working ones also need to contribute a bit if they get benefits
all three of them have to step up with the housework. If not working what tf are they doing all day (yes I know a baby is hard work but it is still possible to do some housework too, I managed)

Dear god, this is appalling. Bunch of lazy free loaders!!

Whose house is it @Thelionguard ?

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

Why??

All adults should be doing an equal share.

The kids should be helping as appropriate for their age.

It's totally ridiculous that you have taken on this massive role.

You have a h problem.

I'd draw up some house rules, sit down with every one and tell them what needs to change. If they don't like it, they can move out.

@Thelionguard Unfortunately, you’re going to get tough with your DP. Tell him you are thinking of moving out with your DDs because you are not prepared to be a skivvy anymore. Start looking at suitable flats and get legal advice about getting your share of the house money back. Nothing will change until you have the difficult conversation. Your OH needs to feel the fear of realising that he is about to lose you and his home!

Bloody hell Op.

Get out!

That's not good for your daughters to see!

I think you are actually harming your daughters here. You are spending time and money that should be spent on them, on unrelated adults.
You need to put them first.

and whatever contraception your are using, double it. Do not tie yourself to this man and this shitshow.