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Original poster

Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

276 replies

Thelionguard · 04/04/2023 12:47

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

OP posts:
Jem57 · 04/04/2023 19:03

Not a chance would I have them living with me,sod that for a laugh

RobertsRadio · 04/04/2023 19:05

Littlethingsmeanalot · Today 19:00
It’s like some horrible scam. They’ve basically taken her house off her.now get her to pay for their food and cook it and clean up after them. And her partner is making sure she keeps doing it. They’ve taken her house. Her money. They treat her like a skivvy. Her kids have become like passing guests inwhat should be their home.

Yes, it's like a form of Cuckooing isn't it?

Daisybee6 · 04/04/2023 19:11

Fuck that!

Your oh needs to have a serious conversation with them about helping out, especially if 2 are not working and just sitting around all day

ScreamingInfidelities · 04/04/2023 19:11

EnjoythemoneyJane · 04/04/2023 14:08

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

That’s your problem right there. His adult kids have been raised to be lazy and entitled and he fully intends to continue enabling them at your expense. You feel like a skivvy and a servant because you are. How many more partners will be moving into your lovely hotel in the future? How many more kids do you think they can pop out whilst sitting on their arses rent-free and watching you scrub the toilets after a full day at work? How much more of your hard earned money do you imagine will be required to subsidise his growing tribe of cheeky fuckers?

Seriously, this is not the way the world is supposed to work - and I say that as a very family orientated person. You are being taken advantage of and disrespected in every possible way. No wonder life looks more attractive to you without the burden of these users and wasters. I’d be kicking them all out in a fucking heartbeat.

I wholeheartedly agree with all of this. You’re being used as a skivvy and your husband is allowing it.

Stop being a mug, take your girls and leave.

Doodar · 04/04/2023 19:12

feel really sorry for you op, the adults should be ashamed

Desertbarncat · 04/04/2023 19:24

What is best for your children? You spend time and money on people who take that energy, time and money away from being able to be spent on & with your children. Stop participating. Don’t buy and prepare food for adults who can take care of themselves. He and his adult children are using you. It’s beyond disrespectful.

gamerchick · 04/04/2023 19:29

Fuck that. Get your own house.

You don't need to split up or anything.

speakout · 04/04/2023 19:37

ScreamingInfidelities · 04/04/2023 19:11

I wholeheartedly agree with all of this. You’re being used as a skivvy and your husband is allowing it.

Stop being a mug, take your girls and leave.

Show quote history

I agree that the OP is being used as a skivvy- but it isn't up to the OP's OH to "allow it".
It's up to the OP to decide whether or not she allows it.
Her life, her boundaries.
It isn't up to her OH to create boudaries.

aloris · 04/04/2023 19:41

Her OP says they bought the home together, so her leaving is not as easy as just packing up and walking out with her girls. If she doesn't do it properly, can she not be categorized as abandoning the home? It would not be good to lose her investment in the home as that is part of her childrens' support system.

Mirabai · 04/04/2023 19:47

aloris · 04/04/2023 19:41

Her OP says they bought the home together, so her leaving is not as easy as just packing up and walking out with her girls. If she doesn't do it properly, can she not be categorized as abandoning the home? It would not be good to lose her investment in the home as that is part of her childrens' support system.

She needs to sell it and go back to separate establishments.

KTSl1964 · 04/04/2023 20:05

Op why is your partner making all the decisions about this. You are either a partnership or not.

ScreamingInfidelities · 04/04/2023 20:06

speakout · 04/04/2023 19:37

I agree that the OP is being used as a skivvy- but it isn't up to the OP's OH to "allow it".
It's up to the OP to decide whether or not she allows it.
Her life, her boundaries.
It isn't up to her OH to create boudaries.

Show quote history

Oh, I agree. OP is allowing herself to be walked all over and needs to take a stand BUT the older kids are his and he should be the one sorting them out.

samqueens · 04/04/2023 20:10

ChicoryDip · 04/04/2023 12:53

When the younger three are out of the house I would be sitting down as 5x adults and explaining clearly why the current situation isn't sustainable.

If Oh won't support this or the adult children aren't prepared to contribute fairly to the household I'd be moving out.

I can't believe that the grown up children believe this is ok. If OH won't back you up that's sadly your answer.

Seems as though this is a good approach. You can pre-discuss with your H what you’re proposing - it’s not unreasonable in the least and perhaps you can help him see that if you take the above attitude to it…

eg. Schedule of chores, especially for the non working adult without a baby, who could presumably pick up a load of household slack for the rest of you? When they get a job their chores reduce but they make a financial contribution.

What amount of money the working adult contributes or (if they are saving for a place and you can afford it) what amount they are giving you monthly that you will save for them - and a time frame for how long they can stay to save up.

A rota for meals and meal planner on a fortnightly rotation so you don’t come home (for instance) every Tuesday night to a bowl of cuppa soup!

If time with your girls is being infringed then perhaps an agreement that (say) every other Sunday the adult children will make plans that take them out for minimum 4 hours in the afternoon so you can chill out with your girls.

Is your H’s ex not in the picture? Why is this falling all to him (and you?) You could always suggest that, as long as they are needing to live at home, they follow their younger sibling’s schedule and go to their mum’s either on the same days as him or on the days that he is with you, so you don’t have everyone all at once!! Bet that would go over well… but if they want to behave as children and have the advantages afforded to children then I don’t think it’s out of bounds to suggest it as a last resort!

seems your H wants to be the parent who always gives them what they want so he never has to be bad cop… but it’s obviously not an attitude that’s helping them behave with respect or stand on their own two feet.

samqueens · 04/04/2023 20:11

(And obviously it’s all of them that should move out if it comes to it - not you. You have school age children and they are mainly adults!)

StaunchMomma · 04/04/2023 21:07

Thelionguard · 04/04/2023 13:02

1 is working

This makes it worse in my head sometimes. We're working all day, they are sat around doing nothing all day, we come home, cook clean, wash up, and they're like "thanks for dinner" and either leave their plates in their room, or at best leave their plates on the side. No, tell a lie, if we're really lucky they might scrape the remains in the bin!

Show quote history

Your OH might be OK with this but you're not, and neither should you be!

You don't need his permission to say what you think in your own home!

You're being treated dreadfully, I think.

Mari9999 · 05/04/2023 01:11

OP, you are a capable woman. You do not need your husband to speak for you. He is entitled to his opinion , and it need not be in agreement with your opinion.

You need to speak up in terms of what you are no longer going to do. Explain that you are only going to be cleaning , shopping, cooking, and doing laundry for the 3 minor children in the household if or until such time that the adults in the household assume adult responsibilites and contribute to the maintenance of the house.

I would under no circumstances expect my children to pay rent in the family home. We don't need any financial assistance from them and would not accept any money from them. I on the otherhand would not clean up behind them nor would I do their laundry.

I would not expect my children to have a child if they were financially unable to provide a home for themselves let alone a child.

Your husband might choose to say that he will step up and do all of the things that they are not doing. I would have no problem with that being the solution. My goal would be to have things done and my not having to do them. If your husband chooses to subsidize them financially , I would have no problem with that as long as he is making his agreed upon contribution to our home. I wou

AgentJohnson · 05/04/2023 07:50

Why did you so readily buy into your partner’s rubbish hands off approach to parenting? Why would his adult children ever move out given the royal treatment they’re currently enjoying?

Let your anger be the catalyst for change. Set a moving out date and in the meantime they pull their weight. You do not need your partner’s consent to set domestic ground rules in your own home. Stop tiptoeing around this ineffective man.

Pearlygates · 05/04/2023 08:59

Hi OP,
Any thoughts on the 11 pages of replies?

Ursualesther · 05/04/2023 09:01

Pearlygates · 05/04/2023 08:59

Hi OP,
Any thoughts on the 11 pages of replies?

Too busy ignoring her own young children
Instead making breakfast for someone else’s adult children
All the while with a pathetic look of “woe me” on her face

Morestrangerthings · 05/04/2023 09:55

I would under no circumstances expect my children to pay rent in the family home.

I absolutely would, and did, have my adult working kids paying me board money when they lived with me. Not a huge amount - the estimated cost of their food. I could not have afforded to feed them if they had not paid. The rest I was able to cover.

“I would not expect my children to have a child if they were financially unable to provide a home for themselves let alone a child.”

I understand the sentiment, and luckily my kids did not have kids before they could afford it. But some do. And also with cost of living, huge rents , paucity of rentals, and wage stagnation, what they may have been able to afford when they first had a child they may find they are struggling to afford now

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/04/2023 17:39

Mari9999 · 05/04/2023 01:11

OP, you are a capable woman. You do not need your husband to speak for you. He is entitled to his opinion , and it need not be in agreement with your opinion.

You need to speak up in terms of what you are no longer going to do. Explain that you are only going to be cleaning , shopping, cooking, and doing laundry for the 3 minor children in the household if or until such time that the adults in the household assume adult responsibilites and contribute to the maintenance of the house.

I would under no circumstances expect my children to pay rent in the family home. We don't need any financial assistance from them and would not accept any money from them. I on the otherhand would not clean up behind them nor would I do their laundry.

I would not expect my children to have a child if they were financially unable to provide a home for themselves let alone a child.

Your husband might choose to say that he will step up and do all of the things that they are not doing. I would have no problem with that being the solution. My goal would be to have things done and my not having to do them. If your husband chooses to subsidize them financially , I would have no problem with that as long as he is making his agreed upon contribution to our home. I wou

@Mari9999

I would under no circumstances expect my children to pay rent in the family home. “

that’s a privileged thing to say
you would expect rent if you needed the money

also why shouldn’t adults contribute to the running of the home in which they live, practically and financially? It’s just part of being a grown up

Mari9999 · 05/04/2023 22:59

@LuckySantangelo35
Please note that I said ,I would expect my children to pay rent in the family home because we do not need it. If circumstances were different, I might have a different perspective. It is not a matter of privilege. It is a matter of circumstances and perspective. If my children were living with me,it would probably be because they were trying to save money to use towards some other need or project. The house will eventually belong to them, and as long as they had goals that they were trying to accomplish, we would prioritize helping them to reach their goals over charging them rent. We have spent years teaching them responsibility; they are aware of adult responsibilities and they don't need reinforcement through a rent charge.

What I would not do is allow them to live without doing their part to keep and maintain a clean environment.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/04/2023 23:06

It is not a matter of privilege.

The house will eventually belong to them,

😂😂😂
Oh mumsnet, you never fail to deliver.

Being raised in a family where you can have Great Expectations of inheriting a house isn't privilege ...

Morestrangerthings · 06/04/2023 01:28

It seems OP’s husband doesn’t want to upset his adult children and wants the current arrangement to continue, but he’s fine with OP not being happy with the situation. His priorities are messed up.

Summerof85 · 06/04/2023 07:53

The OP hasn't come back to comment but I hope she is reading all this and is going to change her situation.
Remember OP, the others will resist the change as it suits them not to pay anything or do any work

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