Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

[Thelionguard]

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

Him and his children are massively taking the piss out of you. It’s time for you to put your own children first, they feel like part time guests in their own home. That’s not right nor fair, how would you feel if they moved in permanently with their father? They may reach a point where they decide that’s what they want if this continues.

I don’t say that with malice either, my middle child felt a bit like this when he hit 10. He couldn’t take the busyness of the home anymore and asked if he could live with his dad. We decided to see if we could fix his issues first, massively changed the way our household functioned and he’s much happier and more settled.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

That’s your problem right there. His adult kids have been raised to be lazy and entitled and he fully intends to continue enabling them at your expense. You feel like a skivvy and a servant because you are. How many more partners will be moving into your lovely hotel in the future? How many more kids do you think they can pop out whilst sitting on their arses rent-free and watching you scrub the toilets after a full day at work? How much more of your hard earned money do you imagine will be required to subsidise his growing tribe of cheeky fuckers?

Seriously, this is not the way the world is supposed to work - and I say that as a very family orientated person. You are being taken advantage of and disrespected in every possible way. No wonder life looks more attractive to you without the burden of these users and wasters. I’d be kicking them all out in a fucking heartbeat.

You don't need to ask them to "help" so your dp doesn't have to worry there.

You need to tell them that as there are enough adults here a schedule and rota will be implemented all adults will partake in.

Then have all chores and food prep shop etc ready on agree between all of you who does what when.

Leave. Take your little girls and be a happy little threesome.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance.

I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well.

Can you identify why his entitlement to your free labour is more important to your reasonable wish to be treated fairly, to be able to focus on your own DC & their emotional & financial needs?

You actually PAY to labour for this household - it's worse than servitude.
Sounds like he knows how to manipulate you to ensure that it al goes his way, never mind the cost to you.

You’re being taken for a fool.

Why are you taking money, time, and effort that should be used for your daughters and using it to house a boyfriend’s grown children and grandchild?

You can change this.

You need to have a very firm word with them en masse; there are a million adults there and you're only one of them but you're supporting all of them with the help of your dh. Not good enough. What makes them think that they deserve free board and lodging? They wouldn't get it anywhere else.

Speak with your DH and tell him he either calls a family meeting and changes things, or you're gone.

I think this is the wake up call you and the household need.

Regarding bills, every adult in the household (ie over 18 unless in full time education) contributes to the running costs of the house.

Under 18 children, pay proportionally, he has one and you have two.

non -working adults - given household chores to do. Make a rota so each person had a specific job to do each week - cleaning, washing, ironing, etc

Each adult child can also cook for the household each week.

if they don’t like it, they can lump it, and if they move out, so what. Basically. Change has got to happen.

Worse case scenario, you move out, sell the house, take your 50% of the house and he and his kids can fend for themselves.

The situation is insane. You should have felt able to have an equal say about who lives in your own bloody home and with your kids. That you didn’t suggests it’s not a good relationship and that you know he doesn’t care about your needs or feelings.

So accurate it needs saying twice.
OP - your feelings count. You are not his skivvy. Stop being his cash cow!

Honestly - I would look to move out with your girls. Doesn’t mean you have to break up with him but having your own space with the girls will be so much less stressful! The added bonus is the rest of them will realise all that you do for them.

He’s just a boyfriend? One of you needs to buy the other out, or get the house sold. There’s absolutely no need to choose to live as a servant to some crap man and his offspring, what a terrible example you’ve given your kids. Choose happiness, peace, and not being made a complete mug of.

I wouldn't even bother to have a conversation about this. I would find somewhere for me and my girls and I would be gone. There's no point having a conversation where everyone agrees to change and then nobody does. Your partner thinks this is fair. Why would you stay with someone who thinks that's fair? It sounds incredibly dysfunctional on his side and I wouldn't want to be involved with them at all.

Move out or kick him/them out.

This is ridiculous. You’re being treated like an absolute mug. A service human.

No.

Bear in mind that moving out means the house has to be sold. Either he buys you out or it's sold. Don't settle for anything less. He has used you all this time.

Op this is madness. You have adults in the house, parents in fact, who aren't working but they refuse to lift a finger to help. No wonder they don't want to move out!

You need to put your foot down. Call a family meeting and put your cards on the table. They'll either step up and help out or they'll sulk and move out...either way it's a win.

Sounds like ultimatum time. The other family and baby have to :

1. Preferably get their own place or
2. Muck in, clean up after themselves and do their own cooking, maybe only being included in the odd Sunday roast at weekends if you feel generous.
3. Start paying you for being their general cook and skivvy.

Or you put up the house for sale and don’t live together, keeping any relationship left, should it continue, for weekends only. ( the option best I think)

I don’t understand how it’s got this bad. What is the other mum, at home all day with her baby ,doing whilst you slave away?
Please tell me you don’t do the 26 yr old’s family’s laundry too?!

Suggest they go and stay with her family or your partner’s ex for Easter so you can have a break and you can all consider these options.

Just stop! Starting today.

My children will always be welcome in my home, whatever their age.

But honestly, I wouldn't tolerate that level of lack of contribution from my 13 and 16 yo now, let alone in 10 years' time! They cook, they clear, they clean the house along with everyone else.

As far as I'm concerned, if there are five adults in the house, one is responsible for cooking each day of the week, weekends everyone fends for themselves. Everyone takes it in turns to clean the common parts of the house (teenagers included!) and everyone is responsible for their private areas.

Mine have been helping since they could pick up a hoover!

Next meal time when everyone is round the table pull out a rota and tell everyone they need to fill in which jobs they're doing.

I would just leave. None of them have any respect for you, especially your partner as he has enabled this entire situation. FFS! LEAVE.

You're being completely used and it sounds like any change would be a massive uphill struggle. I would just go straight to moving out of he wouldn't entertain the children pitching in and the adult ones paying their way. What's the financial situation? Is the house owned or rented? By whom?

Everyone in the house is old enough to help out, bar the baby. It’s a pain but draw up a rota, allocate jobs, you do the jobs allocated to you and nothing else. All adults need to contribute to food or buy their own. Your husband must think you have MUG printed on your forehead. Why have you to ask your husband if it’s ok for his adult children to do chores? If they don’t like it they can F off. Stop being so bloody wet.

OP this is really tough on you but it’s also really tough in your two girls. You really must prioritise them.

You’re wasting precious time, money energy on a bunch of adults you’re not related to who are taking the piss and could totally look after themselves.

You need to take your two girls, move out, focus your energy on them and bank money for yourself and your retirement.

You owe it to your two girls to quit now. Enjoy a life of 3 as their time young is fleeting.

Your time, energy and money are being stolen by this man and his adult children with not even recognition of it. I would be moving out with my children asap before the set up destroys my relationship with them. These people dont value you, if they did they wouldnt be treating you like this.