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Original poster

Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

276 replies

Thelionguard · 04/04/2023 12:47

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

OP posts:
threeplusmum · 04/04/2023 13:16

I hope you like the road, as your being taken for a ride!

Lcb123 · 04/04/2023 13:17

That’s ridiculous. You need to sit down with you, DH and the 3 adults for a serious discussion. Assuming the 3 adults all
working they should make a contribution to food and bills. And the couple should have a strict savings plan if they are living rent free, and a plan to move out.

Danikm151 · 04/04/2023 13:17

Time to call a house meeting.
They will need to start contributing to the household.
If 2 of the adults aren’t working I’m sure they’re claiming UC or should be. They can contribute towards some food and towards bills.
Household tasks need to be split amongst everyone.
Family should support each other

Rowthe · 04/04/2023 13:20

This is absolutely shocking to read, and I cant believe you've let it go on this long.

I wouldn't have been able to cope and got out ages ago.

A 26 year leaving their plate to the side, not working. I mean what are they expecting in the future? How long do they expect you to do it all?

I would just stop. And just start caring for your own kids, reduce your contributions to the household and ask his son and girlfriend for a contribution.

Wnikat · 04/04/2023 13:20

If he won't do anything about it then he's given you no choice but to move out. He doesn't respect you and nor do they.

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 13:21

OP,

I feel so sorry for your children that you have allowed yourself to be so utterly used by this man.

You must be so desperate for a man to have accepted such a ridiculous situation.

You are paying for this family, probably more than your own children.

I don't mean to be unkind, but you have utterly and completely failed your children by walking into this situation.

You buy a house witj this user and then he moves all his children, girlfriend, grandchild in, and you the mug and skivvy are paying and skivvying for the lot of them.

Your poor poor children.

You have utterly failed them.

He saw you coming.

Your children are going to judge you so harshly in the future if you allow this to continue, and you will deserve every single bit of their judgement.

He won't like you bringing this up?

Of course he wont.

He has a really silly woman skivvy and paying for HiS children whilst she neglects her own.

Apologies if my post is too harsh for you, but your choices are terrible and it is your poor children who are paying for it.

Badger1970 · 04/04/2023 13:21

Thing is, he's being a friend rather than a parent to them. And you may not be able to change that.

What you can change is how it affects you. In all seriousness it sounds a miserable existence... is moving out an option?

TomatoSandwiches · 04/04/2023 13:23

I'd not be paying 50% of fuck all, there are 5 adults, I would sit down with your partner and tell him what share tou are now going to pay, he can cover the rest or he can grow up and talk to his adult children about contributing their fair share.

I would not be cooking for anyone but myself and my children.

Then what I'd be saving goes in a moving out pot.

Once it is at the amount needed I'd be moving out and putting that house up for sale.

Gtfo, your partner is taking the piss and you are right, it would be easier with just you and your girls.

Hellno45 · 04/04/2023 13:23

Your OH isn't helping his kid. They are adults and should be working towards independence. They currently have no expectations or responsibility. They should all be working, paying housekeeping and doing housework. That's what adults do. He and they are treating you like a maid. I would be clear that your not happy with things as they are and be clear what you want to change. Put a time limit on it. If it doesn't change then he can buy you out or sell the house and move on.

KnitFastDieWarm1 · 04/04/2023 13:23

I'm thinking DH is reluctant to rock the boat because its win win for him, he's got a good set up. Live in housemaid, scivvy, someone to deal with all the physical and emotional burden of him and his kids. Why would he give that up?
And no wonder the older kids don't want to leave, they've learnt off their father that its a perfectly acceptable lifestyle choice.
If you stopped buying and making food, cleaning, etc what would happen? I'd be going on strike if I were you, I bet they soon decide to move out when everything isn't so easy for them.
I'm so pissed off for you, you really are being used.

Naunet · 04/04/2023 13:24

For god sake OP! You are paying him for the privilege of playing skivvy to his adult children?! What are you thinking?? Stop doing this. If he doesn’t want to ask them to pay their way or help around the house, that’s fine, but he doesn’t get to demand you do, HE can be the one to pay for them and cook for them etc. Stop financially supporting these adults, stop doing anything for them, and ideally, move the fuck out.

Botw1 · 04/04/2023 13:24

Work out how myth rent you want to charge them each and start charging them.

Amd then stop doing any cooking, shopping or cleaning for them

Cmon op.

Get a back bone!

StrongTea · 04/04/2023 13:25

A friend has a large household, all adults, they have a rota for cooking etc, all contribute to the household. I would have exploded by now, just rude and bad mannered doing nothing to help. Really time the older ones left home, far too easy and comfortable for them.

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 13:25

This reply has been deleted

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Annasgirl · 04/04/2023 13:25

Of course you would be better off living with just your 2 girls. Jesus OP, sorry for the pile in - but come on, you are depriving your girls of your money, your time and your dedication at their most important time - time you will never get back - to be at the beck and call of 4 adults who are not related to you.

Otterock · 04/04/2023 13:25

Why are the grown adult couple with a baby not supporting themselves? Why aren’t any of them working actually? Do they think money grows on trees?

Xjshdvf · 04/04/2023 13:25

Either he asks his adult children and girlfriend to pay their way and each take a turn cooking or he pays for them all and does the extra cooking. If neither happens then leave. This is madness that you’re looking after them all

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 04/04/2023 13:26

Annasgirl · 04/04/2023 13:25

Of course you would be better off living with just your 2 girls. Jesus OP, sorry for the pile in - but come on, you are depriving your girls of your money, your time and your dedication at their most important time - time you will never get back - to be at the beck and call of 4 adults who are not related to you.

Agree.

Why, seriously?

Deathbyfluffy · 04/04/2023 13:26

There's loads of jobs out there - those of working age need to get out there and do their bit.
The couple with the baby need to leave, I'd never have one of my children raising their own kids in my house!

I'd also strongly encourage all of the adults in the situation to leave; failing that they need to actually do a good chunk of chores around the house and pay rent / digs.

HanSB · 04/04/2023 13:27

This situation beggars belief. I can't understand how you haven't questioned this before! Of course you should not be doing all this yourself. His children are never going to take any responsibility for themselves with a free hotel service and free food. Their dad is doing the a dis-service too as they will never learn to look after themselves let alone how disgustingly unfair this is.
The couple with the child need to move out on their own asap and you need to set a timeline in which they do this. In the meantime the adults in the house all need to contribute, both financially and in the home. I wouldn't be doing any housework or cooking if there were adults sitting at home doing nothing whilst I was out working! Disgraceful their expectations and treatment of you

Chewbecca · 04/04/2023 13:28

Thelionguard · 04/04/2023 13:02

1 is working

This makes it worse in my head sometimes. We're working all day, they are sat around doing nothing all day, we come home, cook clean, wash up, and they're like "thanks for dinner" and either leave their plates in their room, or at best leave their plates on the side. No, tell a lie, if we're really lucky they might scrape the remains in the bin!

Show quote history

This is shocking. And you think you are being selfish?
You need to put your foot down or leave.
All adults need to work, contribute fully financially and pull their weight with shopping and housework. Anyone not working and not financially contributing takes on the workers load of shopping and housework.

GirlOfTudor · 04/04/2023 13:32

Too many adults in one household. Is your house even big to fit so many people?
Also, you saying you've bought a house with a man you've been with for 3 yrs is worrying!

BlobLobIaw · 04/04/2023 13:33

The adults need to pitch in.
However, with the cost of living, and how hard it is to find rentals, and what a waste of money rent is anyway, I'd hope to support young adults in the family home, but they do need to help. When your children are adults, will you kick them out as soon as they are 18?

Sadly, life is very hard for most of our young adults, and I'd love to have been helped by parents at that stage rather than struggle financially. But absolutely I'd have contributed to bills and house work.

As yours are younger, you could even argue that your partner will be financially supporting them for more of their lives than you will his kids (though granted he has three (plus baby) to your two).

KnitFastDieWarm1 · 04/04/2023 13:33

Its depressing that any woman would actually be in this situation in 2023. And think theyre being selfish for questioning it.
You're basically a slave to a man and his kids, under the guise of marriage, blended families and stepmotherhood. Fuck that shit!

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 04/04/2023 13:34

Of course it's not okay.

We've told our children already that once they leave full time education they'll be expected to contribute 1/5 of the running costs of the house (as we're a family of 5 but obviously as parents we'll pay the share for those in full time education).

The only exception I think would be for anyone unable to work due to health/ disabilities / the first few weeks after having to move back in due to job loss or relationship breakdown (or having given birth within the last six months to a year, depending upon individual circumstances/ income).

1/5 of the running costs is still a massive amount less than moving out and even renting a room in a house share, so anything less is taking the piss I think. Really if they could work but are being picky that's not a reason not to contribute.

Obviously they also need to be doing their full proportional share of cooking and cleaning. Personally I only cook for people who eat at the table - anyone wanting to eat in their room can cook for themselves having first checked the ingredients aren't needed for a planned family meal (or bought their own). Illness/ exceptional circumstances aside of course.

Talk it through with your husband then family meeting to lay out new rules.

Don't accept wishy-washy crappy token efforts like £50 a month and putting their own laundry away - you're effectively living in a house share with 5 adults, and the work and finances need to be split accordingly.