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Original poster

Sick of looking after his children, 9 people is just too much

276 replies

Thelionguard · 04/04/2023 12:47

This doesn't feel right but I'm sick of shopping, cooking, cleaning up after his children. I know this is selfish but i can't help it

We have been living together for 3 years. We bought our home together. I have 2 girls, aged 7 and 10, he has 3 children, 15, 21, and 26, and also his sons gf lives with us as they have had a baby. So 9 of us in total
The youngest 3 spend approx 50/50 time with their other parents.

The cost of food, constantly going shopping for huge amounts of food, constant tidying up for a home of 8 people, cooking for 8 people. All of it, it feels like too much.

My OH does his fair share, not grumbling about him from that perspective, he's very good. We both work full time. But nobody else in the home lifts a finger, not to cook, clean, wash up after dinner, or contribute financially. And it just feels like it's getting worse. I'm finding it overwhelming.

My OH will not entertain the idea of asking them to help in anyway.

When we first moved in together, his eldest didn't live with us, and neither did his gf and baby. They asked if they could come home, my OH was more than happy about it, I didn't feel like i could say no. Now a year and a half in and it feels really tough.

My head is in a really negative space about it all, I want to snap out of it, but i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls. I know life isn't all about being easy. But seriously, it feels like i'm a servant to his adult children.

I spend a large portion of my time and money on shopping, cooking, and cleaning for his children. There is an imbalance. My children feel like part time guests here now

It's even got to the point where i'm questioning if the shopping bill should be split accordingly. Why am i paying 50%?

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 04/04/2023 13:50

You're being taken advantage of financially and emotionally. Your h's kids are lazy fuckers. They need a short, sharp shock. And no way should you be paying anywhere near 50%.

Whose house is it?

Bananalanacake · 04/04/2023 13:51

I can't work it out but are you saying that the dad of the baby isn't working? Why not, assuming the baby's mum is looking after the baby all day, I can't stand healthy adults who don't work.

Why live with him in the first place, date him once or twice a week and live with your DDs.

kitsuneghost · 04/04/2023 13:51

I would literally do nothing for them
Cook you and your girls meals. Do you and your girls laundry and stop running round after them.

If all else fails I would move out for a few months until they learn to sort themselves out.

Namechangethisonetime · 04/04/2023 13:53

RunningFromInsanity · 04/04/2023 13:50

I think you are actually harming your daughters here. You are spending time and money that should be spent on them, on unrelated adults.
You need to put them first.

and whatever contraception your are using, double it. Do not tie yourself to this man and this shitshow.

I agree. I’d be very surprised if this situation is in any way healthy for your own children OP. Your husband also has serious issues with setting any form of reasonable boundaries or expectations on all of his adult children- and you are suffering directly as a result.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/04/2023 13:53

@Thelionguard

why does your DH think they shouldn’t be pulling their weight around the house?

billy1966 · 04/04/2023 13:54

She's bought a house with him.

He couldn't have found a bigger mug.

Pays for ahouse and 50% of the costs of his lazy entitled children.

I have absolutely no doubt he went looking for a desperate woman no boundaries or self respect, who doesn't prioritise her children.

That she allowed him to quickly move all of his children in to benefit from her skivvying tells you everything.

Could those poor little mites be more vulnerable.

BarrelOfOtters · 04/04/2023 13:54

Nope, just nope.

I'd say to them all that you and DH are going out for the evening and when you come home you want it tidy. And you and him need to have a long hard talk about how this all will work.

Think about what you actually want, them to help, them to look after themselves in the house, them to leave?

AllstarFacilier · 04/04/2023 13:56

Just don’t run around after them. Have an agreement that they sort themselves out. If you don’t have any of the little 3, go out and do things. Don’t be waiting on them.

WheelsUp · 04/04/2023 13:57

Yanbu

I wouldn't be paying 50% and I wouldn't tolerate no children (including the adults) doing any chores. No wonder the one with a child came to live with you. Everybody in the household should be contributing how they can. I would not be playing maid or paying to play maid however great this man is in bed.

Thesharkradar · 04/04/2023 13:57

Danikm151 · 04/04/2023 13:17

Time to call a house meeting.
They will need to start contributing to the household.
If 2 of the adults aren’t working I’m sure they’re claiming UC or should be. They can contribute towards some food and towards bills.
Household tasks need to be split amongst everyone.
Family should support each other

I wouldn't bother, she's outnumbered and when they look at her they see someone in a maids outfit with mug tattooed on her forehead.
Just take your girls and move out OP, think about how lovely and relaxing your life will be 🏖️🍇🌞🍓👒🍧

Beautiful3 · 04/04/2023 13:57

That's not okay and you know it. My girls are 10 and 14. They do chores, tidy up after themselves and help cook dinner when I ask. Of course they're all happy with the situation, they have a slave/maid/cleaner/dogsbody. I wouldn't be paying 50 percent either. Thinking sit down with them all and ask if the son, his gf and baby could look to live else where. Assign chores to everyone living in the house. More for unemployed people, milling around the house all day. If they refuse, I'm sorry but I'd leave with my girls. I'm sure your partner will buy you out of the house? If you can't face leaving, then please consider only cooking/washing/tidying up after yourself/husband and girls. Leave theirs for them to do. You're making it too easy for them, they love living with you. So do the opposite! You are living a miserable existence. You can do better because you deserve better. But no one can change this apart from you. You go girl, get your life back and teach your girls how life's supposed to be. You're their role model. Don't let them believe their future is becoming a slave.

ginandlemonade23 · 04/04/2023 13:57

You are being taken for a huge mug here! Why have you allowed this to carry on for so long and only questioning paying 50% of the bills now?

Think of all that money you're depriving your own children of by funding lazy adults!

SkyandSurf · 04/04/2023 13:57

Move out, sell the house, take your share and spend it on setting up a good life for you and your two girls.

It will be better for everyone.

Absolutely pathetic for those adults to lounge around all day while you work and not even contribute to the household.

Clarabella77 · 04/04/2023 13:59

This is not sustainable. Talk to your partner about how you feel before something erupts.

Find a way forward with your partner and talk to the other adults in the house as a team. Take it from there.

Strawberrydelight78 · 04/04/2023 14:00

Don't do anything for them they obviously don't appreciate it and respect your home. Do they pay they're way?

Sasha07 · 04/04/2023 14:01

How can any self respecting adult let one person do all that and think it's ok? Are your children going to follow in their footsteps or chip in with the housework with you to look after the rest of them? Must be so suffocating for you! They all need a reality check and if your partner doesn't see sense, do you really want to settle for a worm of a man? Imagine this is still your life in one years time. No wonder you can't snap out of it, they're basically holding your head under water to keep themselves afloat. For you and your childrens sake, something has to change, fast.

SapatSea · 04/04/2023 14:03

Sounds like your DC are with you only 50% of the time and the 15 year old is at his mother's 50% too, so you are basically catering to just adults for half the week who don't contribute financially or physically and you are paying50% of their costs to be their skivvy! You are mad. Money and time that your Dc should have. Your Oh has done a number on you - buying a bigger house together to move all his layabouts in and have you sub them. Playing the "big man" not asking for any sort of contribution from them.

It could also be a pita to sell the house on if you split. It will look untidy and overcrowded to buyers , especially if they all and OH want to slow down the sale. The adult (C) will have to sign legal disclaimers agreeing they have no claim on the house and will move out when the house is sold. They might cut up rough on this.

You really need to lay it on with your OH and get him onboard with reducing your % contribution getting some of the UC money out of the others for food etc. Pushing the baby couple to save and get their own place. Have a cleaning and dinner rota etc.. You have such a good heart but it is being trampled on!

ThePreacherLikesTheCold · 04/04/2023 14:04

They've been raised this way and it will cause them a lot of problems when they have homes of their own. Does he not realise this? He is shaping them into entitled lazy adults who aren't doing their part in the household. He's doing them no favours longterm and it's certainly not good for your marriage.

At their ages I'm not sure I would even have a chat with him only. They are old enough to all sit together and listen to what you've got to say. Time for a family meeting!

CantGetDecentNickname · 04/04/2023 14:04

What would you do? I want to tell my OH that something has to change. I know the conversation won't go well. It's like he's afraid of upsetting them, or pushing them away, like if he says something they don't like he's afraid they'll move out.

Bit worrying this bit. You sound very mild and afraid of him. Of course the conversation won't go well. He is banking on this to keep you in your place. What really needs to happen is that the 3 other adults do need to move out, yet they'll have to pay their own way if they do so I doubt they want to. They'll probably agree to pay a little or help out a little but after a while will slip back to how things were before and you will be in the same situation again.

Tough love is needed all round - the 3 adult DC need to grow up and support themselves, OH needs to stop being so clingy with his DC and trying to buy their affections and you need to set a better example to your DDs and stop spending money that should be for them on others.

What would be better to have happen is that you sit OH down and explain in very plain terms to him that you are moving out with your girls and the house is going on the market so you get your money back. While this sinks in, stop doing anything for them at all. Just cook, laundry and cleaning for you and your DDs. Pay 1/4 of the household bills (think that's roughly about right) and start inviting EAs round to value the place. Show you mean business. You would probably have a better relationship if he was a BF you saw a few nights a week and he may be able to offer to buy you out which would mean he doesn't have to move and can continue with his DC minus the skivvy. You on the other hand would be able to spend more time with your DDs and not be so tired after a working day.

Crumpleton · 04/04/2023 14:04

Otterock · 04/04/2023 13:25

Why are the grown adult couple with a baby not supporting themselves? Why aren’t any of them working actually? Do they think money grows on trees?

Because they're doing just fine freeloading, why would they want to change that?

OP at the very least if no help is forth coming after having spoken to them I'd stop doing any washing/cooking/cleaning and shopping for all of the adults, including your OH.
You certainly shouldn't be going 50/50 on food/bills.

I'd also make it known if they so much as steal any of your or your children's food they'll be out on their arse.

You really do sound on your own on this one and are going to have to pull up your big girl pants and start with your OH, as his DC probably see him excepting their behaviour as being ok for them to carry on.

AlexiaR · 04/04/2023 14:05

So your husband doesn’t want to upset his fully grown adult children, by asking them to help out, but is happy for you to waste your life, running yourself into the ground just to keep everyone else happy? How is that right? You deserve better than this crap.

dapsnotplimsolls · 04/04/2023 14:07

Options:

  1. Split
  2. Divide up jobs around the house more equally and adult children pay rent
  3. Buy food and cook for you and your daughters only. Let your DH do the same for him and his kids.
KettrickenSmiled · 04/04/2023 14:07

What is behind this feeling of you being selfish?

You are paying 50% of the costs of 9 people, didn't feel like you had a choice about 2 other adults moving in (with a baby!), & are undermined by DP when you question why 3 of the 5 adults are doing no chores & - it seems - paying nothing toward the cost of their keep.

There are 5 adults being selfish here, & you're not one of them.

You've been railroaded into a situation you are uncomfortable with, & it's entirely unfair on you.

i honestly can't help but think life would be easier if it was just me and my 2 girls.
Do it.
My children feel like part time guests here now
Do it for your DC, if you can't bring yourself to do it for you.

GreenClock · 04/04/2023 14:07

Your partner and his freeloaders need to go. Obviously. Can you afford to buy out his share? If not, explain to him that you’ve had enough, give his adult children a week or two to move out, and get the house on the market.

This miserable domestic situation is unfair on your daughters and you really must pull yourself together and put them first, unless you want them choosing to spend more time at their father’s house in the coming years.

dottiedodah · 04/04/2023 14:07

I think the one who has a baby needs to move out pronto! Just say to them ,Its been nice ,but we need our house back! The older ones to follow.You will be ill with all the stress of so many people to cater for.Why did you say yes when they asked to come in the first place? You need to tell DH them or me and mean it!